Just had a party!

[Lovinglife]

I just threw myself a pity party!  Wow, I haven't cried like that in a long time.  So I got on line and started reading some of the forums.  I feel better.  It is amazing where my head will go when I let it.  I have been positive for 23 years and still try to stuff my feelings and pretend I am "ok".  You have to let it out sometime or you'll explode.  My life is actually pretty good.  Working on my second Master's degree, T-cells aren't bad, viral load is good . . . I just feel stuck sometimes.  Currently on Medicare and medicaid, I want to go to work but scared as hell to give up the benefits I have.  Resistent to most of the meds out there, some kidney damage but most days I feel okay.  These are the days I have to write a gratitude list and be thankful for the things I do have . . .

I am grateful for my wonderful, loving, fiance who treats me like a queen!
I am grateful for the meds, many people throughout the world do not have access to!
I am grateful for this forum that helps bring us all together.
I am grateful for all the people in my life who are supportive and caring
I am grateful I have a safe place to live
I am grateful for my dogs, Spike & Tina, who love me unconditionally.
I am grateful that I can walk, see, hear, and sing & dance (not very good but I can do it)
I am grateful for nature which always brings beauty into my life
I am grateful for my tears because I always feel cleansed!

Thanks for hearing my words and thanks for being here!

[BT65]

Loving, I feel ya.  I've been positive for 19 years and am almost done with my bachelor's in psych.  I'm on Medicare and Medicaid also and don't want to give up disability.  It's just one day at a time I suppose.

[Lostgirl]

Hey Loving
After 23 years positive and still going strong, both in mind and body, you deserve a party - pity or otherwise!  As for your second Master's - congrats on doing so well.  Whether or not you go to work after completion of your degree is really neither here nor there.  Completing the degree is what counts.  I did that four years ago and haven't been back to work in that field but the knowledge, understanding and confidence it gave me has most certainly helped me deal with the trials and tribulations over the past year.  Maybe, if you don't want to give up your benefits (and that is really understandable) you could put a 'toe in the water' by using your qualifications in a volunteer capacity?  That would help you know whether you would be ready to step out into the employment world in time.  Just a suggestion - its something I did and was of great personal growth for me without, I was going to say commitment, but there was commitment to my volunteering, but you know what I mean!
Anyway, just saying congrats on all you have achieved so far!
Hugs
LG

[Lovinglife]

LG & Bettytacy thanks so much for the reply.  I actually do a lot of volunteer work.  I am  getting ready to join the board of directors at a local AIDS Service Organization and I have a number of other committments in the community and I have my own cleaning business, plus go to school.  I guess sometimes I just want so much more . . .  I am also in recovery and a virgo, LOL . . . addicted to "more".  I can be pretty hard on myself.  Most days I feel really good about myself and then there are days I just want to hide from the world.    I know it has a lot to do with my lack of confidence, acceptance of my situation, and just plain loving myself, which I find difficult to do at times.  I am usually the happy go lucky person that is more than happy to help others but I often neglect myself.  Damn it, if I didn't know better I would think I need a dose of anti deppressants . . . tears just keep streaming down my face . . . maybe that is not such a bad idea.  Thanks again.

Lovinglife