HIV & Dating: Part II How to tell a neggie you are Poz

[Suntropic98]

After my infamous dating thread I have found myself in a peculiar situation and need some serious help.

How do you tell a neggie you are poz? Better yet, one who tells you she thinks the two of you hooked up?

Honestly, I have absolutely no recollection of anything happening between us.....sexually. I do however remember making out with her and have even seen the pics on myspace & via email. To put it short, she's hot. Like 6'0, D boobs, cool as can be and all week long we have been talking. Problem was I was so drunk last saturday I only remember bits and pieces. I even got in a car accident that night. It was the season opener for my college football team if that tells you anything. I blew like $600 on alcohol in a town known for cheap as dirt drink prices, I think I drank a bottle of Jagaer Meister on my own alone. I'm not going into more details because it's irrelevant but this now brings me to the point of this thread....

How do I tell her I'm POZ? Given my state the day we met and our mutual infatuation, I feel like I should let her know. Even worse, it's a very real possibility I'm going to have to tell her regardless of whether I want to or not....given the bruises we both have on certain parts of our bodies.

This is so unlike me and out of character but as she put it "I came after you". She pointed to me and said I'll do quite nicely....which I don't even remember. That point on we ran around, hands locked and tongues in each other's throat.....all night! I'm so ashamed of myself.

I guess I need advice on how to tell her and what I should be prepared for in response. I straight up asked her if we had sex and her response was "we'll find out in 4 weeks." WTF!?!? I'm flipping out!! Since last weekend I've lost 8 lbs. I can't eat. I feel tired. I can only go to the gym for an hour max each night. I don't know what to do. To make matters worse I forgot my Atripla that night and took it the next day around 3pm so I have no idea whats going on inside of me let alone inside of her.

Can anyone offer some advice? Please!!!

-Suntropic

[Moffie65]

Honestly, I have absolutely no recollection of anything happening between us.....sexually. I do however remember making out with her and have even seen the pics on myspace & via email. To put it short, she's hot. Like 6'0, D boobs, cool as can be and all week long we have been talking. Problem was I was so drunk last saturday I only remember bits and pieces. I even got in a car accident that night. It was the season opener for my college football team if that tells you anything. I blew like $600 on alcohol in a town known for cheap as dirt drink prices, I think I drank a bottle of Jagaer Meister on my own alone. I'm not going into more details because it's irrelevant but this now brings me to the point of this thread....

Can anyone offer some advice? Please!!!

-Suntropic

OK Sun,

I'll be the first to respond, and to me the obvious issue is the paragraph above.  You have some serious issues with "self" which would be the first place to start.  What difference does it make to know "how" to disclose when you are obviously struggling with some very deep personal issues already.  I don't know you, but it appears from this posting that it matters not how you tell her; simply do it.  What happens after that is up to fate, which you have already built a very precarious foundation for in your previous actions.

I suggest you deal with Sun first, and then try to figure out how you are going to deal with dating.  Otherwise all else is futile.

Love,

[Buckmark]

If you want to see her again, and it sounds like you do, then you make a date to meet again and come clean with her, just as you've done here.  And be prepared to offer her some education if she is not really up on HIV and how it is / is not transmitted.  Relationships require trust, and by not disclosing your HIV status, you're not starting this relationship on solid footing as far as trust goes. 

If indeed you were involved sexually without disclosing your status, you should expect a very cool -- possibly even angry -- response from her.  Remember, there may be laws in your state that *require* you to disclose before sex.  Even if you were only involved in kissing and making out, she still may have preferred to know beforehand.  Oh, and in my mind, it makes no difference that she pursued you.  While she has a responsibility to protect herself (just like we all do), I believe you have a responsibility to disclose before engaging in sexual intercourse.

Let's do a rewind to all that alcohol you were drinking.  Unfortunately, for most people, excessive drinking causes us to make decisions and do things that we might not normally do.  Like not disclosing our HIV status.  Or having unsafe sex.  Or getting someone pregnant.  If you want to prevent this again, you have to take control of the situation, and I think that in part means controlling your alcohol consumption.  Plus, how much fun is it if you can't remember what you did?

(Ummmm... what's up with the bruises?)

Come clean, take control of the situation.  You'll feel a lot better.

Regards,

Henry

[Suntropic98]

OK Sun,

I'll be the first to respond, and to me the obvious issue is the paragraph above.  You have some serious issues with "self" which would be the first place to start.  What difference does it make to know "how" to disclose when you are obviously struggling with some very deep personal issues already.  I don't know you, but it appears from this posting that it matters not how you tell her; simply do it.  What happens after that is up to fate, which you have already built a very precarious foundation for in your previous actions.

I suggest you deal with Sun first, and then try to figure out how you are going to deal with dating.  Otherwise all else is futile.

Love,

Moffie, I'm totally freaking right now. I'm sweating bullets all day every day. And the scary thing is she is saying things like "If we have a kid it will look hott" and I'm just like thinking yea, as long as the fucker doesn't have 3 arms, 2 penises or 4 tits. WTH!?!?!? She's 25 and I'm a couple of years older than her. I mean yea, I'll admit I have some issues....who doesnt? If I was negative I would be fine with the situation as is and would definitely be seeing her again this weekend (we live in different cities) but the fact that I have HIV and am now involved with her terrifies the shit out of me. I flat out told her when we see each other again there will be no physical interaction, I'm cool with just hanging out. Now she wants to go to Mass (church) with me and wants me to teach her the prayers and she wants to go to confession. Not only that but I get this feeling that she really really really likes me.....which is not really a good thing because she's really hot and if she were to jump on me again I don't know how I could control myself. Put it this way, if I could give a physical description of the woman I'd want to have kids with she'd exemplify it with the utmost intensity. Not only that but we actually get along and she's just as crazy as I am......which may not be a good thing. Add to the fact that we look really good together and I feel like I have a recipe for disaster.

So I should work on myself first. Ok, got that. How?

[Dachshund]

I guess I need advice on how to tell her and what I should be prepared for in response. I straight up asked her if we had sex and her response was "we'll find out in 4 weeks." WTF!?!? I'm flipping out!! Since last weekend I've lost 8 lbs. I can't eat. I feel tired. I can only go to the gym for an hour max each night. I don't know what to do. To make matters worse I forgot my Atripla that night and took it the next day around 3pm so I have no idea whats going on inside of me let alone inside of her.

Suntropic

Sorry man, but it is of little concern to me that you can't work out right now. This is no longer about you. Drunk or sober, whether she thought you would do or not, you owe this person the truth. Your issues can be dealt with once you tell this woman that you are HIV positive. Man up and tell her.

[ademas]

I'd be sweating bullets, too, and I'd be worried as hell about her status and the legal repercussions.

Sorry, I'm not very helpful, but I just don't see an easy landing anywhere here.

[Moffie65]

So I should work on myself first. Ok, got that. How?


Well, each one of us has to find our own pathway, and that isn't something that happens overnight, but you can do somethings to help things start in the right direction.

Do you know someone who is further along in the road of life, and someone you tend to look up to because of their balance and progress in this life?  If so, try to figure out a way to get them alone and without alcohol or drugs as part of the picture.  Buying them dinner is always a good way to start.  Open up to them and make sure you hold nothing back, because if they are well balanced, they will not be shocked by any of the details you state above.  

Go to your local ASO and ask if they have anyone hooked up with counseling, because in that atmosphere, you probably won't know them, and can absolutely say anything without the fear of judgement.  

On that note, please don't think that my posting was judgemental, as I have done and said things in the past that were of the same intensity of "off base behavior", so I am not sitting in judgement of you at all.  I am so very far from being "perfect" that I cannot and will not judge you.

You can also do one of my favorite things, which I still do in bad times in my life.  Get a nice nonalcoholic drink and some nice soft music, and sit down in front of a large mirror naked.  Now, stare into those eyes that you give to the world daily, and have an out loud conversation with that soul that lives behind those eyes.  Yes, this type of counsel terrifies some people, but you don't seem like the kind that shies away from truth or challenge.  Figure out what makes you tick, what your real fears and hopes are, and talk them out with you, and you alone.  This exercise can bring real clarity to just about any situation, and if you really do it, you will find I am correct.  

These are a few tangible ways you can REALLY make a difference to yourself.  Only thing that is required first is a total commitment and total focus on changing some of the things that are standing in the way of you being totally honest with "Self".

On a last note, Doxie is totally right when he says "Man up and tell her." because no matter what you do for yourself, you now have included an innocent party, and hopefully only one innocent party. 

Hope this helps.

Love,

[Suntropic98]

I'd be sweating bullets, too, and I'd be worried as hell about her status and the legal repercussions.

Sorry, I'm not very helpful, but I just don't see an easy landing anywhere here.

I've never had sex with someone and not remembered it so I really don't think I hit it. She says she doesnt remember either but even still I'm going crazy right now.

[Suntropic98]

If you want to see her again, and it sounds like you do, then you make a date to meet again and come clean with her, just as you've done here.  And be prepared to offer her some education if she is not really up on HIV and how it is / is not transmitted.  Relationships require trust, and by not disclosing your HIV status, you're not starting this relationship on solid footing as far as trust goes. 

If indeed you were involved sexually without disclosing your status, you should expect a very cool -- possibly even angry -- response from her.  Remember, there may be laws in your state that *require* you to disclose before sex.  Even if you were only involved in kissing and making out, she still may have preferred to know beforehand.  Oh, and in my mind, it makes no difference that she pursued you.  While she has a responsibility to protect herself (just like we all do), I believe you have a responsibility to disclose before engaging in sexual intercourse.

Let's do a rewind to all that alcohol you were drinking.  Unfortunately, for most people, excessive drinking causes us to make decisions and do things that we might not normally do.  Like not disclosing our HIV status.  Or having unsafe sex.  Or getting someone pregnant.  If you want to prevent this again, you have to take control of the situation, and I think that in part means controlling your alcohol consumption.  Plus, how much fun is it if you can't remember what you did?

(Ummmm... what's up with the bruises?)

Come clean, take control of the situation.  You'll feel a lot better.

Regards,

Henry

Hey Henry! Thanks for responding.

About the bruises.....don't know how they got there but I asked her if we were violent with each other. She started laughing and would say no more other than she liked saying the word "fuck" a lot. Apparently I'm not the only one with bruises....she has my hand markings in the same spot on both thighs if that tells me anything. The odd thing is I actually had a lot of fun last weekend shy the drama that ensued.....somehow I lost 27 ambiens pills, my wallet (yet retained all my cards and DL) and my Gucci sunglasses.

I'm not sure if we had sex or not but I think it's unlikely....probably I munched some serious carpet and now she thinks I'm just god's gift to women.

[Suntropic98]

Sorry man, but it is of little concern to me that you can't work out right now. This is no longer about you. Drunk or sober, whether she thought you would do or not, you owe this person the truth. Your issues can be dealt with once you tell this woman that you are HIV positive. Man up and tell her.

Have you ever been in this situation before?

[Dachshund]

Have you ever been in this situation before?

sorry player, you don't want advice or answers, you want absolution. you had fun, she says fuck alot, you still got your shades. it's all good, move on. I am.

[thunter34]

About the bruises.....don't know how they got there but I asked her if we were violent with each other. She started laughing and would say no more other than she liked saying the word "fuck" a lot. Apparently I'm not the only one with bruises....she has my hand markings in the same spot on both thighs if that tells me anything. The odd thing is I actually had a lot of fun last weekend shy the drama that ensued.....somehow I lost 27 ambiens pills, my wallet (yet retained all my cards and DL) and my Gucci sunglasses.

I'm not sure if we had sex or not but I think it's unlikely....probably I munched some serious carpet and now she thinks I'm just god's gift to women.

Well, "god's gift":  come up from the rug and do as Dachshund told you...man up and tell her.  No matter how it went down, so to speak, that's the one aspect of this that won't change.  She deserves to be told the truth.  The thing is: you sound kind of like you are just as into her as she might be into you, so that bridge has to be crossed regardless.  No to mention the obligation you have if you really did more than, um...carpet munching.  

[Suntropic98]

sorry player, you don't want advice or answers, you want absolution. you had fun, she says fuck alot, you still got your shades. it's all good, move on. I am.

No, I don't have my shades. And I'm not a player. And it's not all good. I'm so stressed I'm droppin weight like a crack addict.

[Suntropic98]

Well, "god's gift":  come up from the rug and do as Dachshund told you...man up and tell her.  No matter how it went down, so to speak, that's the one aspect of this that won't change.  She deserves to be told the truth.  The thing is: you sound kind of like you are just as into her as she might be into you, so that bridge has to be crossed regardless.  No to mention the obligation you have if you really did more than, um...carpet munching.  

Either way man I feel like I'm stuck like chuck. Point taken. I'm going to tell her, but should I do it over the phone or in person? I would prefer in person but is that the best route to go? She's blowin my cell up today with text messeges wondering why I'm not paying attention to her. I told her I'm stressed and having a really bad day. Her response? "You will have days far worse than this. Trust me!" 

[emeraldize]

Hey Hot Shot!!

You're back posting so soon! And, oh my goodness, this time you're asking for help...again. Well, you've heard it from some of the boys now you're gonna hear it from one of the girls.

Let's reverse the tables here. Let's pretend she was the drunk, you were so into her (in every way possible and you remember every bit of it) and let her know you really wanted to continue seeing her. Imagine, too, that she's HIV positive. Would you want her to tell you?

I doubt Moffie saw your dating thread or he would have been slightly more emphatic I suspect as Dachsund indicates in his thread. That thread screamed about what you find important at present in your life. Try to get over yourself.

And, while you're in worried mode, look up co-dependency. Your 6' D boob hot stuff said things to you which make me think she's got co-dependency issues (the church stuff is a clue) which, sadly, would just help her hook up with a self-centered, drunk, can't-remember-if-I-fucked-her, now-scared-shitless you.

Bottomline. Do the right thing. Tell her. ASAP!!! Tell her when she should get tested and let her know the options as to where. Pick her up and drive her there that day and then pick her up and drive her to the follow up testing appointment.

Why? For a couple of reasons. To be accountable, to be responsible and to protect the next drunk person with whom she might fall into shagdom.

This is big brain time not little brain time. Time to think as the guys noted Man Up. Maybe in doing so you'll start to learn some things.

Right now, you scare me with your disconnection to your actions. I really doubt that you simply "munched some serious carpet". WTF...even your language is so objectifying, so locker room-esque. You are either concerned about this woman as a human being whom you may have exposed to HIV, or not. You don't know, so therefore, you really don't have a humane choice but to agree with her story.

AND CONSIDER THIS....if she were not telling the truth and you talked about transmission likelihood with intercourse vs oral sex, dontcha think she would be the first one to say OH THANK GOD WE ACTUALLY DIDN'T FUCK, YOU JUST ATE ME! I WAS YANKING YOUR CHAIN TO SEE HOW YOU'D REACT IF I WERE PREGNANT BY YOU. Huh? Would that not be music to your ears? Wouldn't you think she'd be so relieved as to blurt it out and not have to be tested?

I'm getting cranky. You have your head so far up the inner sanctum of your gymnasium I'm not sure any of this will actually reach you. I sure hope it does. This thread shows zero maturation since the last time you were seeking input from others.

[Suntropic98]

dude I feel like I'm going down in a blazing glory. like my life is over. my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i'm in need of some serious damage control. true, i have friends that are worse off but still i'm so confused.

[thunter34]

dude I feel like I'm going down in a blazing glory. like my life is over. my stomach hurts, my head hurts and i'm in need of some serious damage control. true, i have friends that are worse off but still i'm so confused.

OK.  Now we're at the point of "Barbara, please".

Really?  Really??  It's as bad as all that, eh?

Mind you, there are people reading this at various stages of disability and some even closer to death than any of us would care to be.

And you feel like your "life is over" because you got some and now might have to grow some and fess up some?

I think Dachshund is right.  You aren't really wanting serious advice.  You are wanting absolution.

[woodshere]

My question is when this scare is over, what are you going to do next time this same thing happens?  And take my word there will be a next time unless you do some major changes and realize the days of drinking to oblivion and fucking your brains out are over.

Woods

[Suntropic98]

OK.  Now we're at the point of "Barbara, please".

Really?  Really??  It's as bad as all that, eh?

Mind you, there are people reading this at various stages of disability and some even closer to death than any of us would care to be.

And you feel like your "life is over" because you got some and now might have to grow some and fess up some?

I think Dachshund is right.  You aren't really wanting serious advice.  You are wanting absolution.

Yes. I'm wanting advice on what to do. No, I don't think I had sex with her. At all. My god, my head smelled like a vagina the next day. And think about this.....if we had sex how in the hell could she have my hand prints embedded on her thighs? It's not physically possible. I'm too huge and she's too tall. I know I'm going to have to fess up....just don't know how to say it. Should I just randomly say something like.....btw i've got the ninja, but don't worry....i'm undetectable. Or should I go the informative, intelligent route? She's not exactly the brightest apple on the tree so to say. But I can tell she's a very caring and loving person.

[Suntropic98]

My question is when this scare is over, what are you going to do next time this same thing happens?  And take my word there will be a next time unless you do some major changes and realize the days of drinking to oblivion and fucking your brains out are over.

Woods

There won't be a next time. This is exactly why I quit drinking and going out. I don't know what happened. Things just got a little out of hand. It's like I was 18 all over again. I feel like my life is an excerpt from Eddy Money's song "Walking on Water".

[Dachshund]

And take my word there will be a next time unless you do some major changes and realize the days of drinking to oblivion and fucking your brains out are over.

Woods

Woods, I hate to disagree, but those days aren't over and that is why a newbie registers just about every other day.

[Miss Philicia]

I thought drinking so much that you had no memory of orifices getting plugged was an urban myth.

[thunter34]

Yes. I'm wanting advice on what to do. No, I don't think I had sex with her. At all. My god, my head smelled like a vagina the next day. And think about this.....if we had sex how in the hell could she have my hand prints embedded on her thighs? It's not physically possible. I'm too huge and she's too tall. I know I'm going to have to fess up....just don't know how to say it. Should I just randomly say something like.....btw i've got the ninja, but don't worry....i'm undetectable. Or should I go the informative, intelligent route? She's not exactly the brightest apple on the tree so to say. But I can tell she's a very caring and loving person.

The "ninja"??  Never, ever heard that one.  That must be playa speak.  

Why not just take her out to dinner and just before eating say, "Oh shit.  What was I thinking?  I can't eat anything now.  I have to take my medicine."  Then whip out your big old bottle of Atripla.

That oughta do it.  

That way even someone lacking the pair to say it manstyle can get the message across.  And even a gal who isn't "the brightest apple on the tree" can figure it out.

[woodshere]

Woods, I hate to disagree, but those days aren't over and that is why a newbie registers just about every other day.

Yeah you're right, guess I should have said "should be over".

[Suntropic98]

Woods, I hate to disagree, but those days aren't over and that is why a newbie registers just about every other day.

Thats messed up. Really. It is.

[Suntropic98]

The "ninja"??  Never, ever heard that one.  That must be playa speak.  

Why not just take her out to dinner and just before eating say, "Oh shit.  What was I thinking?  I can't eat anything now.  I have to take my medicine."  Then whip out your big old bottle of Atripla.

That oughta do it.  

That way even someone lacking the pair to say it manstyle can get the message across.  And even a gal who isn't "the brightest apple on the tree" can figure it out.

Is that your idea of trying to be sarcastic? I'm being serious here. I don't know what playa speak is because I'm not a player. Thats just the bottom line.

Seriously though...aside from not drinking anymore, what steps can I take to prevent this in the future? And what do I do if she breaks down crying aside from telling her it will be alright?

[Suntropic98]

I thought drinking so much that you had no memory of orifices getting plugged was an urban myth.

There have been plenty of times in the distant past where I blacked out while drinking. Like 5 years or more ago....hence the reason why I started smoking pot. And if you're wondering I quit that about 6 weeks ago.

[Miss Philicia]

There have been plenty of times in the distant past where I blacked out while drinking. Like 5 years or more ago....hence the reason why I started smoking pot. And if you're wondering I quit that about 6 weeks ago.

OK... so you blacked out... I'll assume that means you were laid out on the floor.  Not sure how anyone could have sex in that position myself.

[woodshere]

Seriously though...aside from not drinking anymore, what steps can I take to prevent this in the future?

If you are serious here are a few of my thoughts.

If you were so drunk you can't even remember whether or not you had sex, than how do you even know  "....she's a very caring and loving person".  You could really care less what type of person she is other wise your concern would be more sincere and you would never have gotten in this position.

Start thinking of a woman as a person rather than boob size or carpet to munch on.
Would you want some guy making references to your mom, sister or daughter in the manner and tone you choose to use.

Show a little modesty and come down off your high horse.  Referring to your endowment, your fucking skills and such doesn't really impress anyone.

And by all means think before you act.

Don't mean to be harsh but you asked.

Woods

edited for grammar

[Suntropic98]

OK... so you blacked out... I'll assume that means you were laid out on the floor.  Not sure how anyone could have sex in that position myself.

And it's not just that. I was so drunk I'm almost 100% sure I had wiskey dick, hence my oral adventure. Anyone who would have drank as much as I did would need a 100 mg Viagra to even attempt to hit it, and thats not even a for sure thing given the state I was in. I think I either got in a fight and almost a couple others or almost got in a couple and the girl broke it up. I almost went to jail for blowing ciggerette smoke in a cop's face in the stadium. I rearended someone going like 30 or 40 mph and passed out by 10pm in the hotel. Hotel security called me the next day and said they found my keys the next morning in someone else's car along with my blanket, evidently I thought someone else's car was my own and I crawled in it. They only knew it was my keys because my gym card has my name on it and they ran the name with names in the register after the owner of the vehicle turned them in. Like wild is not even an accurate description of what my night was like. Complete chaos might be a slight indication.

[emeraldize]

Don't mean to be harsh but you asked.

I did mean to be harsh and I find it absolutely fascinating that no acnowledgement whatsover was made to what I posted. Ooo, perhaps I was too rough on the Beaver.

Ward, oh Ward, can you get Wally to come in and we'll talk as a family with the Beav about self respect, respect for women and oh yes, how to be responsible for himself and others now that he has HIV. Thanks honey.

From my perspective (and then I'll respectively bow out in my mist of non-person-ness here) if you like her and want to see her dim (as you see it and said it) self again then you have to talk with her about this possible exposure promptly. If you decide you don't want to see her, you still have a moral and possibly legal obligation to tell her about your status.

Why not jump off-line. Call her. Get the meeting set up. Meet her. Then, come back and tell us all how it went. Yep, takes some anatomy. I had to do it. I know just how hard it is. And, my person was 700 miles away, so I could only do it by phone. Thought I would barf, but knew I was doing THE only and right thing. Thankfully, he was negative when tested both times.

I never want to go through that again. And, hopefully, you won't want to either.

Silver-lining ... she might think so highly of you for doing the respectful thing she'll actually learn about HIV and how to navigate a sero-discordant relationship...with you.

[Suntropic98]

If you are serious here are a few of my thoughts.

If you were so drunk you can't even remember whether or not you had sex, than how do you even know  "....she's a very caring and loving person".  You could really care less what type of person she is other wise your concern would be more sincere and you would never have gotten in this position.

Start thinking of a woman as a person rather than boob size or carpet to munch on.
Would you want some guy making references to your mom, sister or daughter in the manner and tone you choose to use.

Show a little modesty and come down off your high horse.  Referring to your endowment, your fucking skills and such doesn't really impress anyone.

And by all means think before you act.

Don't mean to be harsh but you asked.

Woods

edited for grammar

Have at it brother. I deserve an ass ripping.....no pun intended.

I've been conversing with her each day and night and we hit each other up on the blackberry. Sooooo, I have an idea what she's like.

I don't recall referring to my endowment but if that night was any indication of my skills.....I have none then.

And I do think of women as people....I love women. They have feelings, even more so than us if you want my opinion. If I didn't care about this chick I wouldn't be here asking for help for ways to disclose my status to her. Seriously. I do care about her or I would have avoided her completely after that night.

[Suntropic98]

I did mean to be harsh and I find it absolutely fascinating that no acnowledgement whatsover was made to what I posted. Ooo, perhaps I was too rough on the Beaver.

Ward, oh Ward, can you get Wally to come in and we'll talk as a family with the Beav about self respect, respect for women and oh yes, how to be responsible for himself and others now that he has HIV. Thanks honey.

From my perspective (and then I'll respectively bow out in my mist of non-person-ness here) if you like her and want to see her dim (as you see it and said it) self again then you have to talk with her about this possible exposure promptly. If you decide you don't want to see her, you still have a moral and possibly legal obligation to tell her about your status.

Why not jump off-line. Call her. Get the meeting set up. Meet her. Then, come back and tell us all how it went. Yep, takes some anatomy. I had to do it. I know just how hard it is. And, my person was 700 miles away, so I could only do it by phone. Thought I would barf, but knew I was doing THE only and right thing. Thankfully, he was negative when tested both times.

I never want to go through that again. And, hopefully, you won't want to either.

Silver-lining ... she might think so highly of you for doing the respectful thing she'll actually learn about HIV and how to navigate a sero-discordant relationship...with you.

I'm sorry. I did not mean to avoid you at all. I am actually waiting to respond to both your threads when I get home tonight or tommorrow morning. You, I think, can relate more to me and this situation and after reading your posts I think you can offer some really good advice. Again, no disrespect at all. I actually would like to talk to you more in depth about this. Seriously.

[Moffie65]

Sun,

There is another lesson which you need to learn from this experience, and that is "if you would have told her within 72 hours, she could have taken PEP to maybe thwart the inevitable"  PEP is a round of HIV meds to possibly stop infection in its tracks.

Appears you are so very wound up in yourself and your problems, you didn't have the gujmption to think about this tiny, but very important fact.  Now of course it is too late as it is now almost a week later.  

This thread is so very sad, I can't read many more excuses for ignoring the obvious, and the total denial about reality.  Your weight loss in the last week is the least of your problems now.

NOW, you have the absence of mind to post this statement, If I didn't care about this chick, and in your posts above you have referred to her as one would judge a piece of livestock at a county fair!  This is blatant acknowledgement that you have no idea what really caring is, or you wouldn't objectify any woman!  In the end, women will take you down I predict, because they are not tolerant of the way you are dealing with them.

Love ya bud, but you need to love yourself a bit more before you will be able to understand most of these posts.

Sadly!

[Miss Philicia]

Referring to your endowment, your fucking skills and such doesn't really impress anyone.

::summons Youth Pastor Tim::

[emeraldize]

SunT

I appreciate your reply. Whenever you have the time. If you wish, PM me. I'll be gone for several hours, but checking back in later.

Em

[woodshere]

I've been conversing with her each day and night and we hit each other up on the blackberry. Sooooo, I have an idea what she's like.

You have been conversing with her each day and night and are so concerned about her that you still haven't told here.

I don't recall referring to my endowment but if that night was any indication of my skills.....I have none then.

In a post above you say you are huge, I assumed you were referring to your penis, my fault.

And I do think of women as people....I love women. They have feelings, even more so than us if you want my opinion. If I didn't care about this chick I wouldn't be here asking for help for ways to disclose my status to her. Seriously. I do care about her or I would have avoided her completely after that night.

This just doesn't hold water based on everything else you have said.  And I go back if you do care and were this bothered you would have addressed this issue days ago.

Now with all that said, I wish you well, now get off here and take care of this matter.


Note to self:  learn to do quotes better

[Dragonette]

tell her NOW and get it done with!

I read your post before it was so overwhelming I didn't know what to reply. You need to get sorted out, pronto. Driving around shitfaced you could have killed a dozen people, getting into fights, losing possessions, unremembered sex. You are a bomb waiting to explode and all the apologetics and feelings you express here don't change anything about that. It is your actions not your words that matter and your actions are extremely destructive to yourself and others. Start by calling her immediately, then work on getting a grip. You say you have family and friends to support you, well now you need their support before they have to support you by pushing your wheelchair and helping you onto the toilet seat as a consequence of your next party. Your behavior screams self hatred and violence. Only you can rescue you and the first step is calling her, the next is asking for help, immediatly.

Good luck

[Iggy]

Sun,

I think she has a right to know and you should tell her.

The fact of the matter is that you sleeping with her under the influence without disclosure is not as bothersome to me as you being self-indulgent in worrying about that and (as Moffie already noted) costing her a chance to do PEP if it was deemed necessary.

It's obviously bothering you and it's not going to go away - so I advise telling her ASAP...as in the second you read this line.  Keep in mind that though you may have been under the influence then - you certainly are not now and you have no excuse to wait another second.

On a related note - regarding some of the other responses here: I think you elicit certain passionate responses with your posts  because they way you choose your words very carefully - and please don't waste my time stating that there is anything accidental about the way you come off  ...so in a sense I think you sort of reap what you sow with board reactions, however I have to admit I do find it strange that this sort of situation of having sex without disclosure (even without being under the influence) by a gay man is usually met with a lot more sympathy, or they were just as responsible, or talk of no one should throw the first stone.

[Moffie65]

You asked how to help yourself, I have a suggestion that works for me.

Print this thread out, put it in a binder, and in two years; pull it out and read it.  You will either be in wonder of how far you had let yourself go and are happy to have changed that to someting positive, and wonderful.................  OR  .............  You could also look back at these days as good times, and I wonder why I made myself so sick, I'm afraid I will die!  

Yes Sir, this DISEASEis not a dress rehersal, it is real!  

Only you can choose the correct path for you. The time is now!

Love,

[Moffie65]

Forgot to say; the women's responses here are worth the keep anyway, women are still one of the wonders of the world in my eyes.

Rock on women!

[Queen Tokelove]

Let's get some things out the way first...."Ninja" is slang for saying you got that "shit" or AIDS. Just from peeping this thread, missed part 1 and I think I am grateful for that, I would say Sun is what we affectionately call in my parts a WIGGA or in other words a white nigga. Hey, I don't create the slang, I just translate....

After reading this thread, I feel like I'm in a nightmare and stuck in an episode of the Real World. I can only agree with what all the others are saying as far as how you treat females and your drinking habits. What stuck with me was this:

"I guess I need advice on how to tell her and what I should be prepared for in response. I straight up asked her if we had sex and her response was "we'll find out in 4 weeks." WTF!?!? I'm flipping out!! Since last weekend I've lost 8 lbs. I can't eat. I feel tired. I can only go to the gym for an hour max each night. I don't know what to do. To make matters worse I forgot my Atripla that night and took it the next day around 3pm so I have no idea whats going on inside of me let alone inside of her."

Now correct me if I am wrong cause stuff has changed since I was knocked up but it sounds to me like girlie is trying to get pregnant by you or hoping to. It usually takes about 4 weeks for a positive result to show on a pregnancy test, the ones done by drawing blood and are more accurate than the piss ones. Hate to add more to your plate but now what if she's pregnant? Can you say Eminem, Kim, and Hailey? If no one else gets the joke, you should Sun...If not, I suggest you listen to Eminem's Bonnie and Clyde '97....

[Miss Philicia]

Yeah, it's the first thing I thought Queen -- this girl is doing some creative entrapment or something.

[thunter34]

Yeah, it's the first thing I thought Queen -- this girl is doing some creative entrapment or something.

Yep.  Coming on like a locomotive.

He could fix her little wagon FAST with just some simple disclosure.

[Miss Philicia]

Yep.  Coming on like a locomotive.

He could fix her little wagon FAST with just some simple disclosure.

What do you expect from someone with Size D's?

[Queen Tokelove]

Yep.  Coming on like a locomotive.

He could fix her little wagon FAST with just some simple disclosure.

I was trying too stay light with my post but making him aware of what she meant by 4 weeks. The last thing she is thinking is taking a hiv test. Considering he said she is not the sharpest tool in the shed, I would say she has some brains even if she is going about it the wrong way, she seems to me like she is playing dumb to him. I have seen her type plenty of times. Trying to get knocked up to keep a guy close because if he mentioned to her spending 600 on some booze and taking him at his word, she is thinking Cha-Ching. Now what I am trying to figure out is who was playing who? No one else has said this but considering what Sun has shared, I don't see this having a rosy outcome. For her sake, I hope she is not infected and definitely not pregnant but I think this whole thing can turn ugly and just might quick. Sun, you made your bed, not you gotta be a man and deal with the outcome. I think she deserves to know and not by text message or a phone call, don't be a wuss.

[BT65]

Totally agree with Queen.  And yes, tell her face-to-face.  You need to stop thinking about only yourself and start thinking about this woman.  I wouldn't be concerned with your weight loss problems right now.  You should've told her no matter what you guys did (if it was just eating pussy) instead of being so blasted out of your mind that you let yourself get so irresponsible.  Get some help dude.  And for God sake, tell the woman!

[englishgirl]

i dont think there is much to add as the others have all given you good feedback with which i agree wholeheartedly. but here's my input, should you want to hear it.

how to tell a neggie you are poz? well i disclose waaay before i get into anything physical and if they dont want to know after that then so be it, goodbye. but i guess that i dont have the issues that you clearly have with your poz status so it's easier said than done. i think that this is what you need to be working towards, and then you will not just avoid this problem in the future but also you will have gone a long way along the road of coming to terms with your poz status.

what to do in this particular situation? TELL HER as soon as you possibly can!
how? face to face and with lots of humility. she may be very pissed off and she has every right to be, so acknowledge that fact. how i would tell someone in this sort of situation would also include some printed information and also tell them some info websites such as aidsmap.com so that if they wished they could educate themselves some more. i wouldnt tell her about this website because then you would deprive yourself of the opportunity to have a private discussion area away from her prying eyes.

im unclear as to whether you want a hookup or a potential long term relationship with this girl. i get the feeling that it's just a hookup as youve described her as a bit dim and otherwise in purely physical terms. but having read your other thread im also aware of your thoughts on women in general so i'll steer clear of that topic. regardless of your intentions romantically you must tell her. personally i would invite her over to mine for a chat. give her a nice glass of wine, explain and offer a heartfelt apology which includes the acknowledgement that you shouldve known better and that she has every right to be angry, listen to what she has to say even if you dont like what youre hearing, give her a bit of info (if she hasnt exploded and stormed out), state that you like her and would like to see her again.

final thoughts: you have potentially broken the law here and you need to be man enough to deal with the consequences. you havent even come clean quick enough for her to get pep. you should be feeling shitty about this, but before you start wallowing in the self-pity or whatever else you need to right a wrong and tell her the situation. regardless of how she takes the news you need to come clean to have any self-respect. and that can be your first step on the long learning you need to undertake.

good luck

[Suntropic98]

I have not read all the repsonses but will at some point down the road....

We had the talk. Worst. Thing. Ever. I mean it was good and bad......good in that we didnt fuck, bad in that me having HIV was a deal sealer for her. I'm so upset right now I can't even talk. I really hope none of you told me to tell her in spite of me. Goodbye.

[thunter34]

I really hope none of you told me to tell her in spite of me. Goodbye.

Not quite sure what you mean here.  "In spite of you" meaning telling you to tell here just to be evil toward  you?  Or do you mean telling you to tell her even though it might be a rough road for you?  If the first one, No.  If the second one, Yes. 

I wouldn't have told you to tell her just to set you up for heartache.  I would have told you to tell her regardless of how upsetting it might be- just because it was a necessary and right thing to do. 

Sorry to hear it has been such an upset, but I still think it is something that would have had to happen regardless.

[englishgirl]

im sorry the talk didnt go well but well done for doing the right thing. also, i hope you feel better knowing that you hadnt actually shagged after all, that is a relief. 

you may feel shitty now but honestly, if someone isnt prepared to accept you bug and all then the relationship has no future. better to wait for someone special to come around. as time goes on hopefully this will be part of your learning curve.

I really hope none of you told me to tell her in spite of me.

none of us would ever do that. we told you to tell her not as 'punishment' to you but because it was the right thing to do. hopefully in a few days you will be able to believe that.

[cjc]

Hello, i followed this thread even though I did not reply. Glad you had the talk and sorry it didn't go so well. Personally, i believe no one here would have told you to tell her to spite you. They told you to tell her because it was the right thing to do.  Hope you get to feeling better. I sent you a PM. Take care.  Cristy

[David_CA]

Hi Sun,

It sucks that, no matter how attracted somebody might be to us, or us to them, once we disclose our HIV status, things change.  It's like what appears to be a nice newish car at a low price ... with a flood title (ie totaled due to flood damage).  It generally scratches that vehicle off of ones 'possibles' list.  It takes a determined, talented person to buy such a car, and I think it'll take a similar individual to overlook something as big as HIV / AIDS.  This is especially true in hookups.  The main point of a hookup, to me, is casual sex without obligations or worries.  HIV sure changes that. 

Take this experience that you've just been through and learn from it.  Learn to avoid being caught in it again.  I guarantee you that a lot of people who've given you advice here have been in a very similar situations.  What can you do?  Ignore it, not learn from it, and experience it again -or- try to do the right thing with disclosure.  You may fail, but being that wasted sure won't help.  In fact, it'll give you an 'excuse' to not disclose... I didn't think I could get it up, we didn't plan on having sex, etc.  Remember when getting pregnant was what people worried about?  Those same excuses didn't work then, either.  It's not easy, but I don't see that you have any option other than disclosing pre-sex.  Also, I don't know you personally, but maybe seek some help with accepting your HIV status and yourself.  It almost sounds like there's a bit of sexual addiction going on (no offense meant).  Good luck with it all and take care.

David

[Queen Tokelove]

Sun~~

You will have more than enough to catch up on when you do decide to read the rest of the posts. I hope you do read them because there is some good advice given here. I'm not sure what you meant by in spite of yourself but I did warn that the outcome may not be rosy. I didn't say it to be mean but just being realistic. Yeah, some do have good outcomes from disclosing but there are also the bad, the ones who can't accept you despite the bug. But hey, it's their loss. Despite you feeling bad you did do the right thing and still with a pretty decent outcome. You didn't sex her so no worries of infection or pregnancy but you should take this as a learning experience in many ways. So dust yourself off and continue to learn and grow....

[tigger2376]

I was infected by a pos man who didnt tell me. However hard it is to be honest you MUST. In my case, I was drunk, a one off, but I'd like to think that being told the truth would have at the very least sobered me up enough to use a condom. In the Uk infecting someone with knowledge of your condition is an attempted murder charge. You HAVE to tell. You have in this case to do the right thing and TELL HER,  we've all been through it, its horrific, but how would you feel if you dont...she could go years undiagnosed if shes unlucky enough to get the virus...at best severe neuro problems, at worst DEAD.
But next time, beer goggles off, THINK what your'e doing to someone elses life...if they know, or even if they dont they have certain responsibilities to protect themselves, but so do you.

[emeraldize]

Hey ST

First, congratulations on having the talk and chalking up a memorable learning experience you'll draw on in the future. Second, along with everyone else, I'm sorry it was not a great outcome.

I think Englishgirl's got a good attitude about disclosure and letting it be the filter it can be when choosing someone with whom you want to spend time.

I hope you understand how sincerely all of us are replying to your concern about our possibly encouraging you to do something we knew would go wrong.  Could NOT have been farther from the truth.  We were digging in to all of our own experiences, knowledge of law and frankly, although rather in-your-face, because of concern for you.

You are the next generation. We're simply trying to save you time, wake you up, keep you safe...sappy as that may sound!

I'm going to throw this out there for you to consider. Just to give yourself the best shot possible both physiologically and psychologically, is there any chance you have a problem with alcohol that warrants seeking help?

Em

[Dragonette]

I'm sorry to hear it was such a lousy experience, I'm glad to hear that apparently you didn't have sex after all and she was not at risk. I guess she knew all along that you didn't and was playing with your mind.

I know from first hand experience how awful it feels to be dumped over being poz. Neverthless, since we are poz and it will not go away, if somebody won't accept that, they have no room in our lives.

Telling somebody before something sexual happens is a better way to ensure that they stick around although there are no guarantees.

It was very hard to do what you did but you did the right thing and I really appreciate you for that.

Take good care,

[Miss Philicia]

So basically this girl was a liar and trying to entrap the guy.  It's what I thought all along.

[Queen Tokelove]

So basically this girl was a liar and trying to entrap the guy.  It's what I thought all along.

Great minds, Philly Dearest...... Now let's hope she doesn't put him out there, so to speak. She reminds me of some the hood rats around here.

[tigger2376]

I'm sorry if my post was harsh. I agree with englishgirl that the 'poz talk' is a great way to filter insincere and possibly pointless approaches. I am proud to say I have NEVER slept with a man (or woman if that was my style  ), who did not know my status. Yes, its bloody hard telling a negative person,or anyone else for that matter BUT I personally could not live with myself if I didnt tell a sexual partner. Dont get me wrong, I'm NOT sitting in judgement, each situation has its own difficulties and nuances.

[Miss Philicia]

Great minds, Philly Dearest...... Now let's hope she doesn't put him out there, so to speak. She reminds me of some the hood rats around here.

Please girl... I've got my street smarts finely honed after dating so many Puerto Rican boys   You gotta have your game on for those kids.