Anxious and Positive and Scared

[positivelyscared313]

 

[ronaguon]

You will be okay!  With all the new advances in medication/treatments, you can and will have a "normal" life.  You are not alone!

[Theyer]

Sane reaction.
m

[positivelyscared313]

Thanks.
I found out I was Poz on 23 Oct 2013. I went to the doctor due to a soar throat, swollen gland in neck. I requested a full STD test including HIV because  the guy I dated previously called and told me he had a "skin Infection" and I should get checked out. seemed fishy to me, ya know. I thought I'd come out syphilis- then BOOM...
I took it well as possible. No tears, screaming or punching. The next day, I went to an ID clinic. Of course they said all the things they would typically say to an infected person. I'm thinking man just tell me how long do I have...
I know that there have been some great accomplishments in treatment, but in my mind, I see scenes from Philadelphia, pics of Rock Hudson. I remember the ridicule...years ago, a friend had a friend w/ HIV. I can remember her bleaching the toilets, giving her disposable cups and flatware. This was back in the nineties. I don't want that. I have decided not to tell any of my family or friends. If they knew, they will slowly distance themselves from me. My in laws would try to take my child(10 y/o) away- as if I am putting her at risk.
I am just so pissed. pissed at myself- pissed for letting someone have this control over me. The person who infected me will not admit they are infected. I said I would wait for the Health department to contact me (ID said they would be calling me) so I can give them their name. I just don't want anyone else to get infected. It is not fair. This may not prevent him form doing this to anyone else- but at least he'd be on record.
I cannot worry about that now...I rcvd a call from the ID nurse who said I have a very healthy immune system- did not give any numbers. I want to know. She has not returned my calls re: my FMLA paperwork- that she suggested I get in case I need to go to an appointment and needed the day off. I just do not know what to do.
When I look at myself in the mirror, I see the letters H I V traveling through my veins. When I see blood, I see Infectious, death. I wonder If people can tell I have HIV  by looking at me. I constantly ask myself- can they tell.
I felt so fatigued for the last couple of weeks. I was unable to eat. I still find it a little hard. I have to force myself to eat. I still take my vitamins- multi, d, c, and fish oil. I stopped Echinacea because I read that it can cause the virus to multiply(?). I find myself crying off and on, thinking how I will never be in another relationship again. I will never have another life partner. Who is going to want to mess with me- to deal with this? Most of all, I am angry at myself, I knew better, and now it is possible I may not see my daughter walk across the stage to get her diploma-degree-marriage. I have dealt her the short end of the stick. I suck. if it was not for her, I would be dead. I would have killed myself after finding out I was poz- eventually. If she wasn't here........
Sorry if too long. Thank you for allowing me to rant/vent. I found this site the day I rcvd the news- it has been very helpful knowing there are people who have lived and continue living with this disease.
Thanks for sharing.
More to come...

[Theyer]

That is an excellant example off a Dam Good Vent , get it out, as a LTS I could point out that you are very wrong about your forecast for the future , but I will not linger on that. What I will stress is you have a medical condition NOT a moral judgement , somewhere you also know that , please remind your self off it as soon as the moral choir turn up for a sing song.

Congrats on giving your ex sexual partners name to the INfection control people .

You are going to see your daughter learn to curl her lip at you and say  whatever,  slam the door in a way that you hate, worry you sick by staying out late and the 101 good things Mums and Dads have.

Your in laws will continue to be her Grandparents , no more no less.
The film Philideathia is a historical depiction off Hiv , it is not the script off your life.

So I will end my welcome by sending you a great big cyber hug. Keep posting .
Theyer