cry and then cry and cry and cry

[lylanova]

 Hi ya ladies!
... it's a while I don't come here to the forum...
Since I was diagnosed a lot of emotions, feelings and things have changed...
At the beginning I was calm, and reasonable... I trusted on doctors, and though I would have had a normal life, except for the daily pills and the three months labs...
Now... it's starting to be a little bit hard...
Maybe I spent the first months just thinking about the others (my fiancé - who was the first to discover to have HIV between us, and that has passed it to me, trying to reassure him that nothing could have changed; my family... etc..)... now that everyone seems to be quite "calm" around me... I'm so depressed, and cry for anything... and sometime I also think to say goodbye to everything and move alone somewhere without leaving any sign... just desappear...
It's hard to lie about my conditions, it's hard to be different from the others, it's impossible to think that everything is like it was before, because it's not.
I know I won't die... or at least not now (hopefully) and not just because I am positive... but... life seems so different now.
Everything is so big and heavy now... everything is so hard and heavy  to do. I start to cry and sometimes even cannot breathe... I start to cry even without knowing why I am crying sometimes... and sometimes i feel like if something is treading on me.
I really would like to have a friend here where I live, but noone of my friends know about my conditions and they are all living so far. I've met two wonderful people herein the forum.. and it's a good think to share my emotions with them, and see that they're happy that they go on with their lives... but I feel so... empty now... there's nothing that makes me happy. Nothing. I also started to doubt about my love, lately. Next year we should marry... but now I just would like to run away far from all this. I just would like to switch off my mind.
I cannot recognize myself like this... where I am now? Who's this person???
Why I find it so hard to stay in the office? Why it's so hard to talk to other people, having the daily usually relationships? Once I was a perfect public relator!

I just would like to stop. Stop everything. Desappear.


Lyla

[emeraldize]

Hi Lyla,

I'm sorry you're feeling down or depressed, but if I've read your previous posts correctly, it's only been four months since your diagnosis.

That's not a lot of time to make all of the adjustments to a life-changing event.

Give yourself time and make sure to talk with your doctor to see if you need a medication to address depression and/or anxiety.

Em

[BT65]

Lyla, what you're going through is perfectly normal.  It's normal to sort of mourn, like you're doing.  You know, mourn what we think would have been a "normal" life, etc.   I wouldn't make any big changes right now; wait until you get through this period in your life.  If it gets too unbearable, please seek professional help (a counselor). 

What I can tell you is this:  I've been through exactly the same emotions you're going through, and it does get better.  You have to give yourself time, and tell yourself that what you're going through is something we've all gone through.  And tell yourself also, that things will be alright.  You just need to get through this, and the way you're dealing with it, (crying), is perfectly normal.  Good luck, and please feel free to vent; we're here.
  Luv,
Betty

[lylanova]

Thanks Em, thanks Betty...

I am so nervous right now... I feel like if I am putting everything in the dustbin. And the thing is that I want to put everything in the dustbin.

I can find comfort only in dreaming... my actual life doesn't have anything I would like to have.
And these thought are horrible for me.

What about my fiance? I still feel to love him, but if it's still love... why I only would like to desappear, leave him alone... move away.
I'm even starting to hide things to him... and starting dreaming about another man, a man that exists only in my dreams...

I've just started with the psycologist... but... it has no sense at the moment.


I would like to fly away from all this sh*t.


Thanks for understanding and caring.

Lyla

[emeraldize]

Thanks Em, thanks Betty...

I am so nervous right now... I feel like if I am putting everything in the dustbin. And the thing is that I want to put everything in the dustbin.

I can find comfort only in dreaming... my actual life doesn't have anything I would like to have.
And these thought are horrible for me.

What about my fiance? I still feel to love him, but if it's still love... why I only would like to desappear, leave him alone... move away.
I'm even starting to hide things to him... and starting dreaming about another man, a man that exists only in my dreams...

I've just started with the psycologist... but... it has no sense at the moment.


I would like to fly away from all this sh*t.


Thanks for understanding and caring.

Lyla

Hi Lyla

Glad to read that you're seeing someone. Everything you're describing makes sense to me. And, I'll bet it's making sense to the psychologist, too.

Getting a diagnosis of HIV is traumatic and you've got to take time to sort things out. Understandably, you've got to sort things out for yourself, not as a partner, or engaged person, but as a separate person.

So it probably feels as if you need to feel even more separate, sort of shutting out all other noise or demands.

Follow your instincts on some things. You'll be okay.

Em

[debsd222]

Lyla, I;ve been aware of my diagnosis for about 18 months and I've got to tell you there are just alot of ups and downs. I'll feel really positive and ok with everything for a bit, then do like you are, just cry and cry at the drop of a hat. Seeing my numbers improve has helped alot, but some days Im just in the pits. I think its normal. I also found that once I was able to tell a few select people it helped SO much. Keeping that secret can make you feel really awful. I have a women's support group here where I live and I thought I wasn't a "support group" person, but it turns out to have been a great source of support and understanding for me. It really does get better.   Deborah

[lylanova]

Sorry if I haven't been there for a while...
I just want to thank Emerladize and Deb for their support. It is a great help ladies!
Now it' a little bit better, bnut I know tears aren't so far...
I try to go on on the better way... trying to be happy for what I have...
I know I will fall again, but also know I will be able to restart...
We're such strong women, aren't we?

A big hug

[emeraldize]

Hey Lyla,

It's good to know how you're doing.

And, it does come in little bits which turn into bigger bits and they all eventually become bricks.

You'll use the bricks to create a path for yourself.

Then, someday, you might read a post or hear a friend tell a story and you will draw on your experience to put that person at ease.

Em