POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: scottieman on August 21, 2013, 01:46:58 pm
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I finally met a guy that I really was into (after about 5 years of being single) we laugh, we have a great time together and I really thought this could work out. He can't deal with the HIV issue, says that if I weren't POZ it would be a different story. Kinda sucks, was the first time that's ever happened. Sure it won't be the last, but was wondering what others experiences have been? Thought about only dating POZ guys but I guess you can't really help who you really like.
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I finally met a guy that I really was into (after about 5 years of being single) we laugh, we have a great time together and I really thought this could work out. He can't deal with the HIV issue, says that if I weren't POZ it would be a different story. Kinda sucks, was the first time that's ever happened. Sure it won't be the last, but was wondering what others experiences have been? Thought about only dating POZ guys but I guess you can't really help who you really like.
Though it's nice that your friend was honest, it scks that his irrational fear made a choice for him. Maybe he will educate himself, maybe not.
There are tons of serodiscordant relationships in this forum. Since my diagnosis I have been in two long term serodiscordant relationships, and am two years into my third one.
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Im sorry. It sucks to be rejected. For any reason. Here's a guy how has HIV on his apriori "deal breaker" list. Also, how gross that he likes you and has a good time with you and "otherwise" it would be OK. So, you're just a virus carrier, really...
You can't change your status so there's nothing you can do its a brick wall.
Everyone has a right to have their lists of deal breakers. Some have more than others. Some of the deal breakers, well, they'd surprise you!
But I suspect that some of these people with HIV on the list, aren't such good prospects for long term relationships. What if they meet someone HIV-... And then AFTER the relationship is going for awhile, the partner gets HIV. I do bet some of them couldn't adjust. Just seems like a sign, that MAYBE there is a small mind, or a rigid person there. What if the partner got cancer? Would they split, too? One starts to wonder.
We are all completely human with some baggage like anyone. Someone wants to focus on my scary distasteful HIV handbag, and can't deal, well, what can I do...
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That's what happened to me... I was in a wonderful relationship and then took a home test. Bad news. even though we hadn't ever done anything unsafe, he drove me crazy freaking out but wouldn't go to the doctor's appointments I made for him to get a definitive viral load test. The guilt and anxiety his reaction caused me didn't make grappling with my own diagnosis and treatment any easier. Finally he got a definitive answer, bought me a parakeet "so I wouldn't be alone" and stopped answering my texts and calls.
Better to find out now than when you're in a moment of crisis.
I don't know what I'm going to do about dating in the future, but I'd have to be with someone who is comfortable with me and the precautions that my status entails.
For now I'm going to concentrate on my own health and well-being.
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Dating is so last millennium.
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I had protected sex on a first date recently and didn't go all the way
but didn't disclose (CD4 1000, VL undetectable).
I feel very weary about it now since we start to get into each other (didn't have more sex yet) I suppose my experience is not unique but I am unsure how to bring it ip now. I suppose this deals more with fear of rejection than having put someone at risk, however I took his freedom of choice away.(People might say that's why you disclose before sex etc but that didn't happen so it's not of much help now).I need some feedback please.
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(People might say that's why you disclose before sex etc but that didn't happen so it's not of much help now).I need some feedback please.
Disclose early and often. It's not too late, but (I think) the more you wait, the more uncomfortable it will become.
I forgot to tell someone recently, but I recalled at a very, um, inopportune moment. I went ahead and told him on the spot. It turns out he was poz too. Ha. No harm, no foul.
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Disclose early and often. And sometimes you forget.
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Lol I would love to forget! Right now it seems it's all I think about...
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Disclose early and often. And sometimes you forget.
Hey, I had just met the guy in an elevator. I hadn't had time to disclose. ;)
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After the end of my last relationship I made a pact with myself that I would disclose upfront, it meant not many dates. And then I met a guy a liked and disclosed, his reaction: not a problem. We've been together two years now. We have our ups and downs, mostly when I'm feeling down but he's very supportive and has held me a lot through the tears and the happy moments.
My advice: don't give up looking, always be open. Then you will find mr/mrs right.
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Thanks everyone, I needed some of that advice. I was really taking it personally like there was something wrong with me, and how do I fix this so he will still like me and want to be with me. Reality sets in and I realize that there's nothing wrong with me, I did the right thing and disclosed up front. At the end of the day, he just isn't the right one. You get all of me, or nothing.
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13 years once. 12 recently. Discordant couples, my guess pretty prevalent. Love and heart has a mind of its own.
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This same thing happened to me earlier this year. It sucks. But if he can't deal, and can't deal with the issues life throws your way. He won't make a good hubby.
Such is dating.
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Thanks everyone, I needed some of that advice. I was really taking it personally like there was something wrong with me, and how do I fix this so he will still like me and want to be with me. Reality sets in and I realize that there's nothing wrong with me, I did the right thing and disclosed up front. At the end of the day, he just isn't the right one. You get all of me, or nothing.
This is a great attitude. I haven't had to deal with dating with HIV, so I can only imagine the stress and heartache. Of course, there are many, where it doesn't end in heartache.
You have to remember that his decision was about him, and not you. You are not damaged goods. And, it doesn't mean he's a terrible person (I realize you never insinuated that he is).
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I went on my first date post diagnosis and break up yesterday, in technicality it was our second.
We get on really well, we have so much common ground and are able to laugh and joke with ease over everything. I told him with all honesty and while he didnt actively reject me his uncertainty and change in demeanour (covered in his impeccable sense of politeness) felt like it was enough confirmation for me that its nit something hed want to actively deal with. I dont really knownwhere i now stand on dating as i have a bit of a bad taste in my mouth and cant expect everyone to be okay with it.
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When I told my husband I was positive I also told him it was OK for him to file for a divorce, but I was in hospital, and I did have a very high fever at the time. ;).
His exact words were : F*ck that you don't get rid of me that easily" some people can handle it fine others sadly not so much.
When I'm sick he is the best caregiver I could ever wish for, I was a nurse for 30 years and he is almost better than I was...( almost). :D
Hold Tight Scottie there is someone out there just waiting for you.
Aroha
Jan
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Going on 6 years in a serodiscordant relationship here. He's fine, I'm fine, everyone's fine. I was and wasn't looking at the time we connected, but I'm sure glad we did!
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I'm kinda posting here to ask if anyone has any thoughts/opinions/experience with my current Sero-Discordant dating issue
Anyway my first relationship (ever) is a Sero-Discordant one, and I being the poz one, am the top in the relationship.
We have been together for just under 2 years (about 1 year 9 months) and after about a year into our relationship he said something along the lines of "I want to share this burden with you so we dont always need to use condoms and whatever happens is okay with me"(Worded a little more poetically of course but that was the gist of the converstation) and it even got to the point he mentioned he might just go at it with out a condom while im semi asleep/morning wood type situation.
Flash forward to yesterday (i have a topic asking about the risk chances with pre-cum and being undetectable) a situation arose and now he is in fear for his life mode (which i can understand I'm not trying to undermine his reaction)
And is saying I broke his trust and that we need to pull back the relationship a bit (hes not fully sure what he means by this but atleast no more sex for a while)...
I'm kind of at a lose with what happened. Everything that had been talked about in the past (including certain fantasies of his) justification of barebacking, mentions of the act happening between us and even a time where he tried to get me inside him with no condom, made it seem like he was okay with what happened.
Has anyone had any sort of experience with something like this/thoughts/opinions
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As someone who "dated" poz guys pretty much exclusively when I was negative, I can tell you that honestly thinking you might be OK with being positive and realizing, "oh shit, I might actually be positive because of what I just did five minutes ago" can be two different things. By the time I seroconverted, I really was OK with it (for the most part), but over the years prior I had had a few scares that made me think "what the fuck is wrong with you" to myself and which probably made me act strange, to say the least, to the other parties involved.
I don't think either the laissez faire attitude he showed earlier or the freaking out he's doing now has to be necessarily his definitive opinion on the subject. The reality is probably a complicated mess of mutually inconsistent beliefs and feelings that even he doesn't understand. Which leaves you in an uncomfortable position, I'd say.
Sorry you're getting mixed messages and having to deal with your own issues plus someone else's. I hope things work out. I recommend as much communication as possible, but I'm lesbian like that. If I were in your position, and depending on the legalities of your location, I might look into making him sign a paper accepting his share of the responsibility in case of an accident before I'd agree to have sex again - if such a paper would even hold up as a legal document. That's not really romantic, but neither is prison because of someone else's regret.
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Im sorry but the HIV- partner sounds emotionally unstable and intellectual inconsistent.
First of all, have you been undetectable all through this relationship? If so, the fantasies he had at some point, about you being a vector of his infection, - well, i bet you would have to try DAMNNED hard to transmit HIV and it might be well impossible. So technically, you can't be a "gift-giver" or not easily or reliably.
Second, this whole "I want to be HIV+" to share your burden is emotionally and intellectually muddled....
Third, I don't get what just happened. You had a pre-cum incident? And now hes having a freakout about possible risk? Sounds like there is ignorance about transmission risks....
So again, returning to the idea, that the HIV- is rather confused and inconsistent.
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Thanks for the replies. (Very blunt, and helpful).
Honestly we probably both lack the necessary information to really be putting ourselves in the position that we did. We both have very high anxiety and are pretty reliant on eachother for support so it all snowballed out of control, but we are at least talking it out between each other now.
I should have made the effort to inform myself further than I had previously done, (I mean I had read reports here and there but I still feel I should be more knowledgeable then I am about my status.)
I am glad I found these forums and now have a place to look, and ask if I don't really understand something. (I don't know of any support groups near me given my modes of traveling. And my Case manager has a habit of not always returning my e-mails/calls in the most timeliest of manners so sometimes I forget she exists)
The risk I was talking about was basically over zealous foreplay where precum ended up acting as lube and a few seconds of penetration happened with no condom. Which I had read before there was no risk for such things and given previous talks it seemed like it was okay. But then I think that it ended up with a panic attack and what oksikoko talked about.
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Hey, there is risk for penetration without a condom. Assuming there is viral load.
Even if its "just a few ins and outs" or "just the half" blah blah blah blah blah
There may be, MAYBE, risk for penetration without a condom if there is undetectable viral load. there are plenty of magnet couples who do screw without condoms, in this new era, if the partner is reliably undetectable. What science might say, as a GUARANTEE, or what ones individual doctor might say, or what a partner might be willing to accept. THIS is a big complicated dialogue.
Different people are going to give you different responses.
Maybe you need to discuss more the "theoretical" risk versus the risk as observed in practice, for the things you want to do, and for the mistakes that might happen.
If he was so worried about the small risk, or the "question" - was this a risk or not. He could go to a doc after an accident and get a professional opinion.
If you haven't discussed ahead of time what you would do in the case of some real risk, maybe it is time. Is there an interest in PEP or not.
Maybe also decide if you two want to explore PREP. Just discussing it and NOT doing it might help.
I think its a difficult spot -- magnetic gay couple with the poz partner undetectable.
If Im not mistaken, the science only did hetero couples so all the gay couples going unprotected don't have the 100% official approval of science. Even though there are lots of numbers about its success in practice there are a few cases that throw a wrench in the whole shebang.
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You two can probably reduce the friction and anxiety about risk if you communicate on the topics, as oksikoko says, and if you increase your knowledge, as you say. And maybe some automatic action plans already decided.
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Well I totally understand the fears... My first thoughts after Oct 2012 when I found out my status, that okey, I should prepare my life to be single. But even if my work is my hobby, so it fulfill very well my life, sometimes you get bored to hug just your pillow :)
But I had a lots of fears, mostly emotionally, and about the "how can I tell anyone on a date?" problem. I made, planned long speeches hundreds of times. And sometimes I catch myself, I standing in front of the mirror, and try to say out: I'm HIV+. And I can't voice it. Even to my mirror-face... So how can to tell it someone you get love?
And a few weeks ago I met a girl, she was really adorable, and felt very close, and suddenly I realized I called her for a first date, just a simply date. We went out for a long walk, with lots of talk. She let me hold her hand, that never happened to the first date, never ever. On the second date we went out for a walk again on a nearby island, and I kissed she...(also: never happened to me to kiss my girlfriend on the second date...) Oh God, I was really upset inside because I wanted to tell her my status before kiss, but it happened and I was happy as well, but angry on myself too.
Today we go to a concert, not typically well for "coming out". So my plan was originally, yet before our first date, that tomorrow, the day after the concert I go out with she for a walk again, and I tell her my story... Because I can't play with her emotions further. It will be the hardest talk in my life. And I still standing in front of the mirror and try to voice it... :S
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Disclose early and often. It's not too late, but (I think) the more you wait, the more uncomfortable it will become.
I forgot to tell someone recently, but I recalled at a very, um, inopportune moment. I went ahead and told him on the spot. It turns out he was poz too. Ha. No harm, no foul.
that was awesome. im in a magnetic relationship. i told him after about a month. we had broken up but were still hanging out. i told him for some unfathomable reason and he kissed me then asked me back out. so my bf is negative and im positive. he freaks out about once a month (dude, do you think i can get it) but he wont read up on it or go to the drs. i keep telling him he needs info from sources other than me but he trusts me and is kind of lazy ::).
so our fights and breakups run the mill. we are still here though and it has been a bit rocky. while i would prefer to be in a relationship with a poz person it did not happen that way and i really dig this guy a lot so he gets a pass :). someone here posted that a virus is an awfully little to have in common with another person. i believe this to be true.
ive also been rejected a few times by some negs and im a bit apprehensive to disclose. it worked for me this time and practice made it easier. the rejection still sucked when it happened but it was good to screen those people and get it out of the way.
best of luck to you. it is working for me and a number of other people. have a good one.
best,
~d
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I've had the same problems to be honest. I actually had one boyfriend ask me to just give it to him so he didn't have to worry about it, needless to say we broke up. I am now staying away from Sero Disco relationships. The hardest part is finding other positive guys who want more than sex.
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Someone wants to focus on my scary distasteful HIV handbag, and can't deal, well, what can I do...
That's funny because I think of HIV as a pair of heinous shoes glued to my feet. I guess it's just an unattractive accessory.
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Mine's my favorite pair of jeans. Go figure.