POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: justin on November 02, 2009, 10:43:38 pm
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Hi
I know this is probably a common thing but,
My wife is + & has been since 2007
I was negative & know I should be retested now well, actually sooner than now.
But I am having such a hard time with it.
I thought I would put it off till last xmas. That came & went. Then I had other reasons of course.
Now I keep thinking ok after this next event what ever I can think of.
I was going to go to the free test my wife went. Then I thought no I will buy the kit & test anonymously first.
Still have done neither.
I guess I run scenarios thru my head & wonder. If I am now + what will I do.
It is already expensive just getting her meds. Then also I live in a small rural area & always worry
when we take her for her tests. We are lucky they have been able to get us tested in areas that are not so obvious. In our area if you see a certain doctors everyone there knows that doctor specializes in one thing.
Ahhhhh I know it is dumb but other negative spouses, can you tell me if it is always this hard?
Hope I posted in the right forum.
Thanks
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Justin, the best thing you can do for all concerned is to get tested. Knowing your accurate status puts you in the best position to protect your health.
You haven't indicated if you and your wife are having unprotected intercourse. Please clarify.
Also, stop starting new threads. Yours are spread around so I can't merge them as I would ordinarily do.
Keep all of your entries here.
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Hi Andy
Yes thanks for the reply. Yes I know testing is the best thing.
Also yes we have unprotected intercourse. I have never used condoms.
About posting new threads...Sorry I had actually forgotten about that post in July.
But that was in someones thread wasn't it?
I will keep it here.
Thank you
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Justin,
I've moved your thread into the Someone I Care About forum as this forum is the more appropriate place for you to post.
If you're so worried about becoming hiv positive, then WHY aren't you using condoms? Sex without a condom lasts only a matter of minutes, but hiv is forever.
Saying that, hiv is much more difficult to transmit from a woman to a man. I was with a negative man for 18 months before we discovered my status - during which time we never used condoms - and he tested negative. However, when we discovered my status, we started using condoms. Why tempt fate?
You need to go test and if your result is negative, you need to start using condoms. If you're already positive, then there's no point to the condoms anymore.
Ignorance is not bliss where hiv is concerned. You need to know your status so you can start taking care of yourself one way or the other, whether that be through the use of condoms or monitoring your health so you know when you need to start meds. Meds may be way down the line for you yet (should you be poz) so the expense just isn't a good enough excuse.
Go get tested and get it over with. Chances are good that you'll still be negative, especially if she's undetectable, but you NEED to know one way or the other.
Ann
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Thanks Ann for both the reply & moving the thread.
Yes there is no real excuse other than I have tried condoms & they just do not work for me.
I know that sounds dumb but I have tried all brands all lubes etc.. I have asked on this forum before about the problem & tried the suggestions all to no avail.
I will go & get tested & yes I know ignorance is not bliss in this case. I also know I was using excuses this year. I had a parent die & the other is almost there now. I know those were excuses but I also felt I just could handle no more.
I will start towards test today thank you for your post.
Justin
PS: Update...Home Access Express test is on its way. Should be here Monday
Thanks
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Happy to say I followed your advice & tested.
Also happy to say I tested Negative.
Was not easy & I know how other -/+ couples must feel.
Thanks
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Good news, Justin.
I don't recall seeing the post from the other day, but, you're welcome.
If you find it difficult to use condoms, at least make sure you're using lube as this will minimise the risk of her becoming irritated or torn. You'd also be wise to avoid sex when she has her monthlies. She should keep on top of any women's health issues too. If you two are securely monogamous, you shouldn't need to worry about other STIs, but if there is the least amount of doubt, then you should both get a complete STI screening done. Pre-existing STIs can make transmission more likely. If either of you has herpes, you (the person with herpes) should be on a prophylactic dose if acyclovir. Although I'd rather that you guys used condoms, the things I list here are what's called harm reduction techniques. If you're not using condoms, you need to reduce your risks in any other ways you can.
Another option would be for her to use the female condom. If you look in the left-hand column of either the lube info or condom info links in my signature line, you'll find a link to information on the female condom. I've used them before when I was in a poz/neg relationship and they're pretty good, although they take a little getting used to.
Good luck - and here's to many more negative results to come.
Ann
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Thanks Ann
Yes we were both tested for everything a year & a half ago when we found she was positive.
Also I do use lubes as you suggest.
You know I have seen your posts regarding oral & I can say that is a large part of our sex life too.
So I believe what you have said many times in the past or at least my results so far indicate it is true for me.
( regarding a neg man giving oral to a pos woman )
Yes I have never used condoms & I know the many good reasons to do so.
Also as you mention of course we do not have sex during her monthly. But I will also say that a month or so before we knew she was infected...Not to be graphic & we would not engage during that time but I guess it had started during & we didn't notice till done. I was covered in blood & washed off. That was a big concern back a year & a half ago when I tested my 1st time. The test was probably 3-4 months after that encounter with blood.
I was neg but always in the back of my mind I worried that it was 3-4 months & maybe the infection didn't show yet.
So that was a big one for me & this test.
Since that time she went on Atripla right after + test & has undetectable V levels since. So not to say that validates my not using condoms but I read that study that suggested perhaps risk would be very low or non existent & hoped it was true.
I will continue to be careful as possible & know condoms would be a good idea. I just wish it was an option for me.
Thank You for your suggestions & help.
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Justin, her being undetectable will certainly reduce your risk quite a bit, but it won't eliminate it completely. And please do check out the female condom. You just might be able to get along with them - my partner said it wasn't really any different to not using a (male) condom.
Ann
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Ok Ann Thanks I will have a look at that.
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Justin,
Trojan has a new microfiber condom out and it is hardly noticalbe for either person, try them, they are more pricy, but worth it in the end because it will help you both to not worry.
I understnad the difficulty in getting tested, but do it and you and her will feel better afterwards--I learned that first hand, it was more a relief to my partner that my test came back neg than it was for me, it was a truly a sign of how much I am loved and how much he cares about my health as well as his own. I figured if it did come back positive, we would deal with it and was prepared that it was a possibility--not likely, but could be possible, but knowing either way is better than not knowing. it is sad that money is a concern when it comes to our health, but don't let that be the thing that holds you back from getting tested. I play yhe powerball faithfully and when I hit I intend on spending millions on HIV medication for those that can't afford it and don't qualify for any assistance because they just barely are over the income guidelines--its a dream, but stranger things have happened.
God luck
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Sebastian, when you say microfiber, do you mean Trojan microsheer polyurethane condoms? Just wondering. I couldn't find anything on microfiber condoms.
I'd just like to remind everyone who may be using or thinking of using thin condoms for anal sex to make sure you're using plenty of lube. It's usually recommended that stronger condoms are used for anal, but if you lube up well and are careful, you can usually get away with the thinner condoms without them breaking.
Ann
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Ann--that's it.
It is my understanding that right now they are too new to say that when used they would prevent HIV because all test aren't back, the information that came with them said the test thus far are all supportive that they are effective at preventing HIV transmission--I think I am saying that right.
They seemed as strong as other condoms we have tried in the past, but felt like nothing was there on both sides.
Condoms are not an easy thing to get used to and can be difficult, but without getting to graphic-using them when masturbating or over toys on the recieving partner helps in getting used to them.
EROS--best lube ever:)
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Condoms are not an easy thing to get used to and can be difficult, but without getting to graphic-using them when masturbating or over toys on the recieving partner helps in getting used to them.
Very true, Sebastian. Sex therapists often use the masturbation-with-condom technique for men who have a difficult time maintaining an erection when wearing a condom. It helps make wearing a condom be associated with cumming. It also helps you get used to the process of putting them on correctly so it soon becomes second nature and less likely to interfere with the moment of passion with a partner.
And by the way, while we're on the subject... having your partner put the condom on you as a part of foreplay can help make condoms sexy. You can even put it on using your mouth, provided you mind where you put your teeth, but ideally you should be careful with your teeth in this situation anyway. ;) Using your imagination when using condoms can lead to some hot encounters. Try it! I have, when I was with a negative partner, and it really works.
As for the microsheer condoms protecting against hiv, I think there shouldn't be a problem as polyurethane is pretty good stuff. The only problem I ever found with polyurethane vs latex is that it isn't as elastic as latex. If you can find polyurethane condoms that are a good fit, the elasticity issue doesn't seem to come into it so much.
I have to admit that I never liked condoms much myself - the latex ones tend to irritate me, although I don't have a latex sensitivity elsewhere. The polyurethane ones are expensive, which is irritating in a different way. I'm glad I'm with a poz partner and don't need to worry about condoms with him. ;D
Ann
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Thanks Sebastian & Ann
I will look for those & see.
I do not hold much hope but will try.
Also Yes Sebastian I will admit that once I tested I was relieved.
I spent a lot of time worrying recently & it had been over a year since last test.
Must admit even before I got the neg result I was feeling better.
You know for me condoms have always been a problem even when I was young.
I tried them all. They were just so dang tight they are downright painful.
Then of course I have absolutely no feeling once their on.
Will try this new one you mentioned & see.
Thanks
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I tried them all. They were just so dang tight they are downright painful.
Then of course I have absolutely no feeling once their on.
My current partner has this problem with condoms. Are you aware that condoms are available in sizes? You won't generally see sizes in the shops, but you can find them online. The Condoms are a girl's best friend (http://www.condomerie.com/condoms/shop.php) link in my signature line has a section on sizing condoms. My partner says that a condom that isn't tight on him allows for more sensation. Being a "big boy" shouldn't have to mean not being able to use condoms.
Ann