Positive!! -- Awwwww

[insearchof]

Greetings,

After reading numerous entries of people from all walks of life I was inspired to put my experience in text on this site. Thank You to everyone who shared, what a selfish act. You have helped me to understand not only myself, my partner but the disease and life after.

I am dating a wonderful guy! He is everything that I've always wanted in a partner. Physically, this guy is exhaustingly good looking and the words that come out of his mouth? They make me melt. I couldn't believe I met the person who seriously had me thinking of "love, committment, long-term, marriage, LIFE". He really does make my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

Because he cares for me and wants us to have a realistic shot at making this work, he decided to share a few things about himself. Mind you we already shared our fears, likes, dislikes, hopes .. desires all that. Around our 4th date we started to kiss passionately and I remember in my mind saying; "If this is the day we have sex, I'm gonna go for it .. I like this man". Instead of a full on romp, we had outercourse. This was led by him, after all we were in his house on his bed and he does have the "leader" quality that I like. I was disappointed a little, I wanted some hot sex (it had been 5 months).

After we finished I notice he became sort of 'paranoid'. Asking if I touched his cum (he pushed my hand away as he ejaculated) and asked that I wipe my had off on a towel. I realize he did this for me. He was unsure of my knowledge about the disease and didn't want me to feel like he put me at risk. I respect that, greatly.

We went into the living room and he said; "Ready to have the sex discussion?" I asked him prior his HIV status and he said it was something he would talk about but when the time was right or if we were to be initmate. That kind of made me nervous because I thought "If you're negative, just say you're negative". But he said it's more than just saying either result, it's a discussion ANY person needs to have and in person. (I asked him about his status over the phone).

He said; "I am HIV+" and I said "Okay ... ". I was kind of shocked but remained very cool and calm. I didn't want to intimidate him with my paranoia or make him feel rejected. We sat and talked about it and he gave me insight as to when and how long he's been dealing with it. I wanted to cry at this point, because I cared for him so much .. so I thought. But really, I wanted to cry because I thought my "happily ever after" was snatched out from under me.

I went home and starting have irrational fears; "I kissed this guy ... do I have any cuts on my fingers .. did he have blood in his mouth?" ... really dumb stuff typical of someone ignorant to the disease and transmission. I sat and thought of reasons why I could no longer be with him and the risks invovled. But also, I remained optimisic and decided to get knowledege (hence why I'm here).

I realize it's crucial to dislose one's status and most say early on in a new relationship. I agree totally. I know it was hard for my partner to tell me, after all .. things were magical between us. A wild fire of emotion and enjoyment. So I appluad his effort and realize that he cares for me and wants me healthy. Because of his honesty and willingness to take things at my pace, I decided to give it a shot and stay.

Since then we've had intercourse. (You will see a post of mine in the 'Am I Infected' thread). Of course I'm still learning about the illness and I have a history of anxiety and irrational behaviors. It's when I'm home alone that these anxieties creep in and I start to ponder ways of transmission. This forum has been a godsend in that respect. Reading how others in my situation are happy and negative. My journey is still taking place and so far the good has severly outweighed the bad from my initial thought of 'can this work?'.

My advice to those in my situation would be:

Communication! Don't hold anything in, if you have fears .. voice them! Don't expect your partner to read your mind and act accordingly. It's unfair and can/will cause problems. Communication is vital in all aspects of your relationship, and for those having sex, make your partner aware of your risk/comfort level prior to practicing or engaging. Far to often we rely on "body language" to set or approve boundries.

Acceptance! Accept the things you cannot change and cherish the things you can. Your partner did not ask for this disease and it's likely to affect his emotions. Give him time and take time out for yourself and find ways to be supportive although you don't clearly understand what's going on. Remember; "You are dating/in a relationship with the person you love, not a disease".

Education! Get to know more about this virus and draw your conclusions based on FACTS and not something you googled. Ignorance about this disease is abundant and for some reason, those who think they know it all feel the need to run to the internet and tell everyone. Make sure your information is accurate and from a trusted source. Trust me, once you've had some education and better understand this virus, it will do wonders for your relationship.

And lastly,

BE HAPPY! There is life after diagnosis. Modern science has proven over and over that this disease is nothing like it was in the early 80's. People are living a hell of a lot longer and that is cause for all of us to celebrate. If your brother, sister, daughter, mother, father, child or lover has been diagnosed, although hard to take in but the silver lining is this: They are not going anywhere anytime soon! Start enjoying every single day with them and be sure to tell them you love them!

God Bless You

[Snowangel]

Insearchof-

Nice post!

What does the the "Awwwww" mean?

Snow

[insearchof]

I just now realized that the "awwww" I added in the link can be misconstrued as ill-hearted or as negative. Shoot .. I guess I added it express how learning the news made me feel, initially of course. I figured, after readers read the post they will see that the "aww" can be done away with. My apologies.

[Snowangel]

No need, I was just wondering, because when I think or say "awwwww"  there is something small and cuddly in the vicinity.

Doesn't matter, your post was very nice and thoughtful.
Snow

[insearchof]

Thanks Snowangel

By the way, I just read a few posts that you wrote in various threads. You seem like very nice person and I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis. Man, there has been SO much support in these threads .. I'm amazed. I've bumped around the net and looked at other sites that offer support and stuff, while they are excellent I consider this site to be like a home-base for support.

Here's what is strange .. my very good friend was diagnosed in 2007 and I had no idea. He looks fine and just never did feel the need to bring it up. One morning he came to the house and said we should have breakfast and hang out. Nothing out of the ordinary you know, we used to hang out all the time before he moved. Then in a very smooth fashion he just sorted blurted it out: "Oh, did I mention to you that I'm HIV positive?".

He said this while I was preparing to take a bite of my eggs lol. I stopped mid-flight and looked at the egg dangling on my fork. Wasn't sure if I should look at him, take the bite .. put the fork down, cry .. or hug him. He said immediatley; "Don't cry ... don't worry .. all is good". His confidence and boldness, VERY comforting. Seeing how he was so comfortable with himself and with me ... it sparked something inside me. You know what it did? It de-stigmatized this disease in a very real way for me. We started to joke and laugh and he said he is down to 1 pill a day and has a UD VL (I had no idea what that was at the time). But the smile on his face made me feel so good.