POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Christine on October 03, 2007, 11:40:07 pm
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Hello Everyone!
I thought I would give a little update on how things have been going. I am still taking HAART meds, and have not started hospice care as of yet. I have been slowing down a little more each week. Sleeping more, having trouble eating & keeping food down and in. The pain in my lower intestine is getting worse, and the pain meds are sometimes hard to balance so they decrease the pain without the side effects.
My bone marrow is not producing enough red or white blood cells, so I have had a few transfusions, and have added a sub-q shot to help increase the white blood cells. I have also had an annoying cough that is slowly getting better.
Emotionally things are confusing. I naively thought that death was very defining. One day you are here, and then you are not. I understand now, that death is just a slow degradation of ones self, a little each day. Like a light bulb dimming each day.
I have been struggling with a fear of going to hell after I die. All the irrational thoughts I had as a child fearing hell, fearing a judgmental God are all right in my face. It is hard to sleep some nights, because I think if I fall asleep it is one less day that I have to live. So I try to stay awake to keep the day going. The crying jags start then, and I end up sobbing and usually make myself throw-up.
Part of me wants it to be over, part of me wants to keep fighting and not let the little bastard win. It is getting harder for Chris, and for my Mom. I don't want to leave them. I am going to miss them so much.
My crazy, wonderful family asked me what I wanted for my birthday. I asked for home made spaghetti, home made sauce and soft, squishy rolls with butter…yummy! What I did not know is that they themed the party with Mickey and Minnie Mouse. They rented costumes, and were standing outside when Chris and I drove up. Everyone was standing outside with mouse ears on; they had balloons all over the house, and decorated the tables with mousy items. It was wonderful! I laughed and laughed. I am blessed to have them.
I added some pictures. Minnie and Mickey started to act a bit inappropriately towards the end…Minnie was groping my husband, and we had to have words! ;)
Sorry I have not kept in touch lately. It's hard to write about it. Love all of you. I think about you all every day.
Christine
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Oh Dear Christine, I just don't know what to say, other than I love you and think of you everyday.
Love,
Hal
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Like a light bulb dimming each day.
Christine,
Matty the Damned keeps you, Chris and all your loved ones in his daily anxieties.
For all of us here your light will never be dimmed.
I love you.
MtD
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Christine~
I am glad that you posted tonight. I remember when I first joined the Forums in late June, I would always look for who lived close by. You're just up the road from me, sweetie. I have always felt I would impose if I suggested a visit, as I read about what you were going through. It fills my eyes with tears to read your post tonight. You are so brave, so strong, I only wish that you felt better and didn't have so much to deal with. Its so wonderful to see your pictures, all smiles on your birthday. Hang in there as best you can and please know that a lot of us think about you, all of the time.
You are loved here. God Bless You, Christine.
~Cindy
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Christine, you're a brave and beautiful person and my heart goes out to you.
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Christine, do NOT take your eyes off Minnie. I've seen that look :)
Your courage, humility, and candor are marvels beyond my ability to articulate. Thank you for taking precious time to write what you did. If there is indeed a hell, you will be in a place that it is farthest from.
Please write as much as you can, here or elsewhere. Your words (and your talent for putting them together) are powerful, powerful things. Selfishly, I want as many of them in my head as I can get.
I hope you got your soft, squishy rolls! Also, I hope that decorating the table with mousy things did not include dropping chocolate nonpariels at random on the plates. I had a mouse once, in my apartment, that decorated my table thusly :)
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What a wonderful birthday your family planned. I am thinking of you.
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Christine,
All I can say is that I am still thinking of you and praying for you. I wish I could just give you a big hug (hug)! This is a difficult thing -- just lean on your family and on us! Take the joy of your great surprise party to bed with you at night and wake up knowing that you have our love in the morning. Please know that you are a strong, strong woman, and one who's posts comforted me when I was first diagnosed. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to comfort you now.
All my love and well-wishes,
Ty
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Christine, I am so happy that you laughed and laughed. This IS a wonderful birthday surprise, and shows how much people love you. I keep you in my thoughts,
Milker.
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Well, there is at least one other mouse around that loves you and worries about you and is always eager to hear from you.
(By the way - I never trusted Minnie. I don't know what Mickey was thinking, to be honest. I guess it's just one of those relationships.)
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Respectfully I bump.
MtD
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christine, thank you for updating us im sure i was not the only person wondering how you were doing. i love what your family did for your birthday and the pictures, it brought a smile to my face hearing about it and imagining you having such a fun time. keep fighting!
lots of love
xxxxx
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Hi Christine
I just want to send you a big cyberhug and, as a newbie, I want you know that your posts have inspired me and calmed this troubled soul.
Shaun
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Dearest Christine
I don't know what to say, I just can't find the words that would adequately describe how I feel right now or what your post meant to me.
I know birthdays are meant to be enjoyed, and I know you enjoyed your day, the photo's say it all..but it's with tears in my eyes that I celebrate with you and your family.
Your strength never ceases to amaze me....I hope you can feel the love that is coming your way.
Love
Jan :-* :'(
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Christine~~
It is so good to hear from you and get an update. You are indeed an inspiration!!!!! Glad that you enjoyed your birthday, loved the pics. You are always in my thoughts....
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Dear Christine,
Thank you for writing, I am praying for you & your family. I don't know what to write otherwise, it's all tears knotted in my stomach and throat. Big hug & love,
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So glad to hear from you. What an inspiration you are. Thank you for checking in, I think of you often.
Peter
Happy Birthday!!!! so glad it was a happy time.
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Dear Christine,
Please know there is a light at the end of that tunnel - and it sure ain't the fires of hell either!
When You Wish Upon a Star (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EkkzydIwdjU) I thought you, as a Disney fan, might like to hear Dame Shirley Bassey singing this classic Disney song.
Sending you a thousand points of light and a parcel of peace...
((((((Christine))))))
Ann
xxx
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Thinking of you Christine, and wishing you all the warmth and comfort that friendship can bring.
Gynormous hugs,
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Christine,
You have my thoughts, my wishes and my utmost awe and respect for how bravely and tremendously you face what you do.
You are loved by many here.
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Christine -
Your strength and your postings have always inspired me. Know that you and your loved one's are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sending you hugs and love.
Vince
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Christine,
I have just seen your post today. I think of you every day and was wondering how were you doing. I send you love and hugs. Happy birthday. I think you are already 41...2 more than me. I will be waiting for you to post next birthday´s pictures.
:-* :-* :-*
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Hi Christine. Wrote you a bit of a note. Check your personal mailbox, sweety.
Hugs,
Mike
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You're an awesome lady! Thanks so much for sharing the pics; it's good to see you smiling and partying.
:-*
Creighton
edited because I can't type my own bloody name correctly
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You're such a beautiful lady -- both outside and inside.
In my thoughts and sending positive energy your way!
:)
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*bump*
Ann, that's a great song you've linked us to!
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*BUMP*
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Hello Christine.
The dinner sounds delicious. You're spot on with that roll. You certainly know how to call it.
My prayers are with you.
robert
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Christine,
I may have said this before, but what a gift you have given to all of us here at AIDSMEDS.
Thank you for sharing of yourself with us all.
And just between you, me and the fencepost...I never trusted that tramp Minnie. :P
Big hugs to you,
John
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Then it's agreed: Minnie's a whore! :)
MtD
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Then it's agreed: Minnie's a whore!
Absolutely..those red knickers are a dead give away...did she really think she could fool us with those big eyes, that little turned up nose and her pretty polka dots...no siree, she didn't have us fooled for a minute... ;)
Hugs
Jan :-*
(Who thinks Mickey could do better)
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Cristine,
Your posts are a delight. You are in my thoughts allot, love and hugs to you. You are such an inspiration, lovely lady.
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* a beach bump for Christine*
:-*
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Love you Christine!
I think of you each day!
(((HUGS)))
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Dear Christine,
I also think of you quite often....Sending lots of love and hugs your way !!
(((((HUGS)))))-----Ray
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Christine,
What a wonderful birthday party!
You are loved by so many and you are truly an inspiration!
I keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Much Love
Teresa
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Hi Christine, what a nice pics, and you look great!
I wanted to tell you "¡¡¡Feliz Cumpleaños!!!" (it means Happy Birthday). You deserve the best day ever and i can see you got it. So glad for it.
You know... I have been told there is so much love waiting for us once we finish our things here on earth, that u really shouldn't worry about hell before going to sleep, naah ;).... I am sure all angels that are with you everyday were also wearing mickey mouse ears that day and sharing the party. None who is such a shinny soul like you are and such a beloved person should have worries, only love, peace, great dinners and great parties!!! Just remember God is love... and that is true.
Don't trust Minnie, a friend of mine dated her and said she wasn't a trustable girl :). I agree Mickey could have chosen better ;)...that is also true LOL
I send you a big hug from distance, you see... your birthday is one of the most appreciated all over the world!!!
Juan Carlos (who would have gladly dressed as Pluto or Donnald Duck... or even Daisy Duck :P to make you happy that day)
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What a wonderful birthday! You seem to have amazing strength and an amazing supportive loving family, which in my mind makes all the difference. I send you my thoughts of love and strength as well!
JP
(PS minnie is such a little trollop)
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Christine-
I'm so happy to see your post. I have been thinking of you quite often and asked about you. The minnie and mickey sounds like a blast but definitely dangerous pair.
You are truly amazing and an inspiration.
Hugs to you and the puppies
Cammie
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Christine, Glad to see your post. The party sounds like fun. Hope things go smothly for you.Glad that you have no hospice yet and such a fun and loving family to be with you. Cristy
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I have been struggling with a fear of going to hell after I die. All the irrational thoughts I had as a child fearing hell, fearing a judgmental God are all right in my face.
Christine, just exchange the word judgmental to forgiving. Please do not let this part of your beleif system scare you... Our prayers and spirit are with you always... You are never alone. NEVER!
In Love,
Eric & Will
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Its good to hear from you Christine.
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Christine,
Never ever trust a mouse in heels. ;)
When an ex of mine was dying with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, I remember feeling mostly a jumble of emotions. Reading your words has brought that time all flooding back. Clearly you are deeply loved and that speaks volumes to who you are as a person.
You will not be forgotten.
Daniel
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Had a delightful chat with Christine today. She's back home from the beach and sends everyone her best. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers.
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bump