Coming Out of the Closet & HIV

[Pepperino]

Hi everyone,

Three years ago I left my country to study abroad and during this time I found I like more men than women and I also got infected with HIV. Only my best friend here knows that I'm gay.

This year I'm planning to travel and visit my parents and friends for Christmas and I would like to disclose my HIV status and come out of the closet at the same time.

Any advice or experiences to share?

I'm absolutely terrified about the idea and I don't know what to expect but I really want to do it now because I have the opportunity to meet with them soon.

[Irish Eyes]

I was dx in Dec. 2013 and have yet to disclose to anyone and it will be a long time before I do.

You were dx just last June.
My advise would be to hold off.
Time and circumstances will permit.

[buginme2]

You were dx just last June.
My advise would be to hold off.
Time and circumstances will permit.

Ya, your planning on telling them your gay and hiv positive at a family gathering at Christmas?  I agree with Irish, time and place

[zach]

aye with the irish

[Dan0]

What purpose would it serve? Especially on a holiday. Would you really want ten years from now the conversation being about 'THAT Christmas when our son came out to us between the main course and dessert.......'

Just go enjoy the holidays like you've always done.

[Miss Philicia]

Heaven forbid you ruin your family get-together with sordid admission of sodomy and God's retribution. Talk about putting a damper on Santa.

Once you've made the decision to come out about both, the longer you wait and let if fester as to the when/where/why the worse your anxiety will be. You could always just pick the phone up in the coming weeks and have the conversation that way, then by the time you're home for Christmas it will be water under the bridge.

[Since2005]

Hey OP,

Welcome, sorry that you had to find this way but glad that you have. I also have done same - came out to my family with my status and sexuality at the same time couple of years ago.

I still remind myself time to time reading those earlier threads and trust me it is not easy when I tell you this - it was tough to go though accepting and coming out process.

I have noticed that you are from Germany so things are to be a bit easier for you rather than someone who is in the Middle East or India. I know I am south Asian so culturally it was a bit harder and I am glad that you may not have to face extra social burden ( relative grapevine - trust me it does exist in some culture). So, I have decided to tell my siblings ( they live in Europe and N. America). I still didn't tell my mother and my brother told me that he will tell her when times are right. If she were here ( I live in US) , I would probably have told her.

Having said that, It's not easy for any parents/ siblings to accept any news on any kind of chronic diseases for their son/ siblings. It's always hard. However, once you tell you will feel the weight off your shoulder. It took me a while to tell but you are already way ahead of me since you are already thinking and/ or talking about it.

I say go for it!! You will feel better and get the support that you need. I would wait though (if you want to tell in person) till New Years so you can enjoy the gathering as usual.

Good luck to you OP. We all go through this , you are not alone.
Best Wishes.

[mecch]

Hi everyone,

Three years ago I left my country to study abroad and during this time I found I like more men than women and I also got infected with HIV. Only my best friend here knows that I'm gay.

This year I'm planning to travel and visit my parents and friends for Christmas and I would like to disclose my HIV status and come out of the closet at the same time.

Any advice or experiences to share?

I'm absolutely terrified about the idea and I don't know what to expect but I really want to do it now because I have the opportunity to meet with them soon.

Sorry you got HIV.  Glad you figure out more about your sexuality.

Welcome to the forums.

More info on your parents, please.  On the family.

Are they liberal or conservative about social issues? Religious? What was said in the family about gay people in public life, on TV, cinema, news, etc? What has been said about LGBTQ civil rights?

Any LGBTQ members of the extended family?

What do you expect the response will be to you?

Telephone sounds good.

If you are expecting a pretty good response about the gay, and to create some normal anxiety about being HIV+, then telling them on the phone seems like a good move. 

If you are expecting a pretty negative response about the gay, telling them on the phone is also a good idea because that gives you distance to protect yourself, and also time to heal.

Personally, in your shoes, if you are expecting negative response to the gay news, I wouldn't compound it with a double reveal.  I would come out.   Let that work its way into the relation over some months, and do the HIV+ later on.... Thats just my gut feeling.

[weasel]

Heaven forbid you ruin your family get-together with sordid admission of sodomy and God's retribution. Talk about putting a damper on Santa.

Once you've made the decision to come out about both, the longer you wait and let if fester as to the when/where/why the worse your anxiety will be. You could always just pick the phone up in the coming weeks and have the conversation that way, then by the time you're home for Christmas it will be water under the bridge.

   
   I agree completely on what Miss P has said . 
    Just  do it 

     Oh ?   Very nice to meet you , I wish you well .

                                                                        Weasel 

[xinyuan]

The setting and circumstances are too vague to recommend one path or another. In some situations and relationships, things could get incredibly better. In others, things could be shattered beyond repair.

I've watched people on this forum find the love of their lives (find myself jealous) and become closer to their families . I've also watched people on this forum lose previously close friends and family, their jobs, and control of their financial situation (wish them the best). All from disclosing.

Despite what others tell you on this forum, it is still YOUR choice over what and with whom to share. With us, your friends, co-workers, etc. Except where certain draconian laws may apply.

As for setting ... any reason Christmas in particular?

After all, you can't unring a bell after the fact.

[joemutt]

I disclosed the week of my diagnosis.
I came out to my family at 16.
No incidents, no drama 

[wolfter]

You've rec'd some great advice concerning the timing.  Holidays are not the time for family drama and this revelation would certainly cause that.

In general, it's difficult for anyone to determine the appropriateness of coming out.  Everyone's family dynamics are unique and what might work for one could be devastating for another.

Personally, I wish I could get a "do-over" and not hold this information to myself and partner.  It caused extreme stress and put me in a constant state of worrying about my secrets.  I suspected I'd be ousted from my family and was pleasantly surprised that the opposite happened.

Whatever your decision, wishing you well.

wolfie

[Pepperino]

Thank you everyone for the great advices!

Well, it is not that I am planning to shout in the middle of the Christmas dinner that I'm gay and have HIV. But somehow I thought that being a special time where the family is together, it would be a good opportunity to get their support and see their reactions.

I wanted also to come out and disclose my status at the same time, to avoid giving at a later point of time "stressful" news again.

In general, the society where I grew up is fine with the gay lifestyle, at least so it is in the last years. Still it is a bit frowned upon from the religious point of view but nothing dramatic, I think. Of course, it will give the people a lot to talk about. I also think my closest friends and family suspect already about my sexual orientation.

My family has always supported me in many ways throughout my life and I'm sure that when I decide to give them the news, I will probably still find the same love and support. The same goes for my closest friends.

I'm not planning to tell everyone on my family yet. My parents are divorced, so telling my father will be another story. This time, I wanted to talk only to my mother and sister because they are very close to me. I'm not planning to ruin the holidays but having another chance will be also rather complicated as I get to see them only every 1-2 years unfortunately...

I have thought about the telephone option too and also by reading the comments made me realise I could do it when the holidays are over. Or maybe should I do it before?. I'm not sure... I have even thought just telling them via Whatsapp!

Well, any comments? Thanks for your help

[mecch]

Whatsapp?!  just text?  Oh please a little more dignity.... 
Video call? Sure, why not

Yeah, call this weekend.

Wishing you the best. 

[Irish Eyes]

I'm not sure... I have even thought just telling them via Whatsapp!

Well, any comments?

Watsapp will definitely soften the blow. NOT !