Lesbians with hiv

[ubotts]

Hello everyone,
I have been gay from the age of 14..Dated guys, but knew in my heart i was a lesbian..
I was very confused because a nice catholic girl shouldnt be feeling these emotions..
I did attempt suicide at the age of 15, but it didnt work thank god..Eventually i got into drug use to
hide my pain...BIG MISTAKE.........
Later on i told my mother that i was gay and i was on drugs..She responded, "ill love you no matter what
your sexual prefence is, but i will not tolerate drug use........Eventually i winded up in rehab..Met a girl
there and we got along just great..We moved out together..She had been married and had a daughter. Her
husband watched her child when she was in rehab with me..
Long story short...She was bi sexually and we shared needles..We both went on methadone clinics..She was on one and i was on a different one..
She was losing weight and i thought it was the cocaine, then she was diagnosed with aids in 1986. She failed
to let me know this and continued to share needles with me..She must of been thinking misery loves company.. I had to find out the hard way that she had aids.. I visited her in the hospital and at that time the
drs and nurses were covered up in white gloves and masks..I couldnt believe my eyes....I asked whats wrong with her..Then the drs told me she had aids.....She never told me a thing and she knew for almost 2 yrs but
kept it to herself..Guess she thought id walk out on her or something..But i didnt and stayed by her side.
She passed away in 1992....I should of asked her alot more questions..but after she died, then i started to
question myself..Like..why didnt i see it in her..and at that time aids wasnt a girly thing..mostly among gay men, so we thought...It was a horror show...Watching her change from a beautiful women into a walking
skeleton..At that time there was only azt..and she sold her meds to get money for drug use..Alot of gay
men didn't want there family Dr's to know that they were positive, so they bought azt off the streets to
keep everything hidden....I know iam jumping from here to there with this post.. But thats how my minds
been working..Long story short..I learned 2 yrs after her that now i was hiv positive. MY tcells were 675 and i was told not to worry..Yeah right..easy for them to say...I didnt start meds till 2002 because of what i had
seen in the past of all who took azt...Most of them are dead now and when they were on there meds they
looked horrible......So i waited till my tcells dropped down to 27.. I felt strange, tired, weak and started to
get rashes..so i finally saw my dr. and she put me on meds.........My tcell count is 241 and it seems it never
gets past 300......Five yrs of meds. and still never have been beyond 300 tcells..
I feel better, but my body is starting to change..You know..The skinnylegs arms and big belly started last year,
so i just changed my meds from combivir to Truvada...It wont reverse whats already there, but it doesnt
have any azt in it and the dr. said it shouldnt progress..I hope he is right..We are still all ginny pigs and time
will tell whats good and whats not..At least i waited till there were cocktails out there.Maybe waited too long,
but better late than never..Right??..Ok enough..ha..probably bored you with my story that doesnt make
sense to anyone but me.............thanks for your time and patience...
Is there anyone in this group who is gay or am i the only one?  Need help with this..thanks again.

[IzPoz]

Hey Ubotts,

I'm not gay, but do understand your story. You have a lot going through your mind right now, and that's understandable.

As for the lipo, I agree that it may not be reversed completely, but perhaps you can reverse some of it. I was able to lose some of the belly fat (2 inches!) and am going to try for more. But I exercised it off, which I've stopped, and am having a hard time getting back into it...

Just keep active, and keep focused. I hope that you find some comfort somewhere. Sounds to me like you need a shoulder.

[apple]

Hi Ubotts,

Well, whats been done has been done. I am glad to notice that you seem to have accepted your condition long time ago. Its indeed true that once the body start changing, it is difficult to accept. I was never told about the side effects of the drugs and when at first i started feeling numb in my legs, i thought nothing of the drugs, then i started developing the hump and belly and getting skinny legs and arms. In the end, i started researching more on the HIV drugs and that helped a lot.

It is okay i think to write and express oneself on this forum. I have found that there is always someone who has been through more or less the same experience as oneself. I am not gay but I was happy and sad at the same to read your story. It happened, but let us look into the future....there is hope.

Hugs and Love to you,

Apple

[penguin]

no, you are not the only one 

kinda weird, minority within minority feeling, which pops up now and again for me...like, "so where do i fit?" in this hiv business. the answer, i eventually conclude, is "with everyone else".

I hope you can find the support you are looking for here - and thank you, for sharing a bit of your story with us.

kate

[ubotts]

Hi and thank you ladies for your support...
and Hi Kate, glad to see iam not alone in being gay..ha
Well theres two of us now who have come out of the closet.
Having aids and being a lesbian, is like having to come out of the closet twice..For you other ladies,
Just image how it felt to tell people you hiv pos..Its harder than hell..
So was telling my family n friends i was gay...Infact, they handled gay quite well..as far as aids..oh boy,
that's a different story..Some people are so ignorant, when it comes to being positive...Some that found out
though someone whom i trusted with my health info, told others, which hurt...and the other now are
pulling there children away from me,,and when i was invited to a thanksgiving dinner, The table was set nicely
with pretty china, only my seat had a plastic plate, with plastic fork and knife..........I was so embarrassed, I got
up and walked out..One other girl walked out behind me as well..She wasn't positive, but she was gay and saw
the pain in my face as i tried to hold back the tears..I believe its harder to tell people your hiv positive than to
tell them your gay...
Geesh..2 huge closets to come out of........and i did....Not sorry I did it..It had to be done for my own
peace of mind...Now i just have to try an educate people that they cant catch hiv from hugs kisses or sipping from the same cup....You would thing people would know this already, but they don't and some don't want to know...Sad, very sad world we live in at times.............oh well i say La Dee DA my life will go on..

[zachysmom]

sorry if my typing is a little off, trying to ween myself of Ambien and didn't get much sleep last night.
I have to applaud you for your positive attitude, everyone of us has been through the "ringer" so ta speak, but how you deal with it is really how you come out of it. Laughter is really the best medicine, I found that when I'm happy my t-cells go up, try renting more comedies it could help.
I was like you and didn't want to start meds until I felt I really needed to. And I am having a hard time with the side effects as well.
but HIV/AIDS  is a disease I will die with, not from. That's for all you ladies, wheher you are  gay or straight, we have to stick together, because we're really the only people who understand.
Good luck,
we love you,
Nicole

[IzPoz]

Laughter is really the best medicine, I found that when I'm happy my t-cells go up, try renting more comedies it could help.

Nicole seemed to hit this right. I have to agree with her here, because before I started dating my boyfriend, I was just alone, me, a widow, and lonely. Sure, my life was great, I wasn't unhappy, I was doing well. My CD4 was stable between high 300's and low 400's. After I started dating this guy, I was more happy than I'd been since before my husband died nearly two years ago. And just a month after I started seeing him, I got my labs back and my CD4 jumped to over 500, and the % jumped 4%.... and there was no change in my medications.

Find your happiness and enjoy life. Make it the best you can make it, and let the water roll off your back. Watch a lot of comedies!

[BT65]

I'm bisexual, so, even though I "swing both ways," it is hard being, like you said, a minority within a minority.  Just keep smiling, it sure helps.

[Ulong]

Well, so much for my being in a demographic group of one.   

Like Bettytacy, I would say I'm more on the bisexual side since I was married to a guy for many years. Unfortunately many women think "bisexual" is code for "I'll eventually break your heart when I dump you for a penis". So I'm not into labels. Too scary. But I've not dated a guy for several years.

I think dating women is harder because like the gay male community, it's a pretty small world. Everyone knows everyone else. But for the guys, there is a subset of HIV positive men, and much more acceptance. (Not that the men don't get slammed by ignorant jerks, there's plenty of posts here to prove it.)  It's no big news if a gay guy is poz. But a HIV+ lesbian...that's a tag that would really set me apart in the community, it it were widely known.

Information on safer sex is centered around the condom. Uh, not really much use for those on my Saturday nights. Information on transmission is pretty sketchy, that may be a blessing in disguise, saying it's really hard for a woman to transmit HIV to another women thru sex.

it is hard being, like you said, a minority within a minority.

And there's always that part too. I don't have that feeling all the time, just on occasion. It does seem to make life a bit different for the reasons above.

Just keep smiling, it sure helps.

You betcha. Chicks dig  big smiles.   

[ubotts]

Thanks for you input ulong...
Its very hard for a lesbian to catch hiv from another lesbian, unless u shared
needles..which we did..Other than that, i have since been with 2 other lovers
both who are negative and been negative for 12 yrs and the other for 4 yrs..
So i know not to be so scared when being with another women..
Anyways..Iam smiling really big  Ummmmm so u said the girls like that huh? haha.. We shall see..(just kiddin witcha)..thank u all for your replies. luv Ubotts