tested positive , 7-15

[tmiller31]

hi guys...

i decided to register to this website to seek for answers and advises from those who have knowledge of this matter or those who share the same experience with me. last week, my doctor informed me that i am HIV positive. i wanted to cry, i wanted to be angry at myself, be mad at that person who infected me . . i felt ashamed of myself, i felt dirty... then scared - bec. of what other people would think of me, or be judged by them.. i wasn't prepared for this .. scared of how my friends , my family and my partner abroad would react on this.. i feel so alone and weak.. i feel scared while reading some articles on the net. i don't know where to start ..

i'd appreciate all the advises that u could give me. thank u so much

[spacebarsux]

Hi,

Sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

I understand what you are going through. Receiving a positive diagnosis is a trauma and can really knock you off your feet. It does take some time to adjust to this life-altering news and you should allow yourself this time.

You are lucky to have found your way to these forums. I myself am relatively newly diagnosed and I can assure you that you will receive an immense amount of support and a wealth of information from the people here who have been living and thriving with HIV, for many many years.

you must realise that you are exactly the same person you were before you found out about your status. You have nothing to feel dirty about. You were just unfortunate, like the rest of us.

Also in case you haven't already done so, it is important that you get your CD4 and Viral Load tests done which can help you (and your doctor) decide if and when to commence teatment.

Look forward to getting to know you better.

Hang in there

Welcome to the Forums.

[mikeyb39]

Hi tmiller,
Welcome to the forums.  You will be fine, but it will take a while to get you're mind in the right place.  The one bit of advise I can give is to not search the web for HIV, you will get a lot of uninformed information and lots of scare tactics etc.  Stick with getting you're advise from you're doctor or from a place such as this one.

Good luck, hope to hear more from you soon.

I'm newly diagnosed back in November, so it still mentally is challenging from time to time, but i'm getting there step by step.  The folks on her will be happy to answer any questions you might have.

mike.

[emeraldize]

Dear tmiller,

Welcome. First, you did find a good place to land for answers, humor, and a sense of connection. I do wish I'd known of this place early on after my diagnosis. The anxiety and insanity of it all ran rather unchecked.

You've got an incredible library here to read -- not only of the formal sort, but the informal in the form of first-hand stories of med regimens, side effects, support from family and friends and on and on.

Hardest to fathom, early on is that it will get better. The "it" I refer to is your acceptance of this change. Over the long haul, various things will be bothersome and then not, joyous and then not, painful and then not---BUT that would be true if you were HIV negative.

So, try to live, which is a good challenge to take on, as comfortably and fully as you can. Go for the true basics: enough sleep, enough good food and vitamins, some walking or exercise and contact with people who love you and can put up with a tad of moaning or bitching from you now and again. Good friends do that for friends as they cast about in finding a path through a problem. You're going to need time to wrap your head around this new aspect of your life and wrap your arms around yourself.

Do whatever you can reasonably do to take care of yourself. Over time, I've found this collection of people to be my "other world" where there's a constant lively flow of considerable give and take and laughter and self-education and all in a fairly safe setting.

If you post something in the wrong place, it will be re-shelved in the proper forum. If you've overstepped your bounds, you'll be nudged back into your seat, if you're totally lost and forlorn, someone will get it and respond to you.

The fact that this site exists is exceptionally good for all of us and today, in responding to the desperate tone in your post, I'm reminded of how truly grateful I am that there is this place where others do understand what you are experiencing and can give good guidance, good shoulders and more.

Keep coming back.
Em

[tmiller31]

thank you so much for the warm responses. it's really nice to feel accepted and having someone to turn to and be welcomed like family. whenever, i feel scared again, i'll just read all of your replies.

im only 27 and it just bothers me if i'd still reach the age of 50.. i promised by parents that i'd take care of them when they get old bec. my other siblings have their families of their own, and this unfortunate happened to me. this really makes me hate myself.  sometimes, i tend to think too much - like what are the right food to eat, vitamins (if any) and/or meds to take. These things makes me paranoid.

[Matty the Damned]

thank you so much for the warm responses. it's really nice to feel accepted and having someone to turn to and be welcomed like family. whenever, i feel scared again, i'll just read all of your replies.

im only 27 and it just bothers me if i'd still reach the age of 50.. i promised by parents that i'd take care of them when they get old bec. my other siblings have their families of their own, and this unfortunate happened to me. this really makes me hate myself.  sometimes, i tend to think too much - like what are the right food to eat, vitamins (if any) and/or meds to take. These things makes me paranoid.

There is no reason to think you won't be able to honour your obligations to your parents just because you have HIV. Provided you have access to affordable health care, of course.


It's not uncommon for the newly diagnosed to worry about things like diet, supplements and all that other stuff. It really doesn't make any difference -- eat a healthy diet and you'll be ok.

MtD

[Maelrod]

Tmiller, just wanna share something, a year a go I found my poz status I was 27 too, is natural all you living now,I used to hate myself,hate everyone, I used to think same  your thinking now, how can happen to me, but been poz is no our choice ya the price we pay for our mistakes...anyway after almost one year on medication im doing well... I try my best day by day...just try to forgive yourself, forgive the person where you get it from is a big help cuz this is more mentality...in  personal I know where I get it from, and last week this person call me to know how I'm doing...we talk by fhone and after went to visit I a sweet and sour feeling but help me a lot last thing is STOP LIVING IN the PAST

[Joe K]

Hey Tmiller, welcome to the forums and right now, I think you need to meet someone like me.  My name is Joe and I have been poz, for as long as you have been alive: 27 years.  While your journey with HIV will be very different from mine, the emotions experienced will always remain the same.  For now, I encourage you to allow yourself to feel, whatever it is you feel, without the need to do anything about anything.  Emotions are neither right or wrong, they just are.  It is the behavior caused by emotions that be troublesome and right now, you just need to allow yourself to feel.

I can also tell you that some of the feelings you will have will be very uncomfortable and that is perfectly normal.  Nobody can prepare you for how to deal with something like this, so go easy on yourself.  This is not the time for blame or guilt, as there is nothing you can do to change your status.  What you can do however, is to allow yourself some time, to adjust in your own way and to realize that you are not going to die anytime soon.  I urge you to take care of you and that includes your mind, body and spirit.  Do something, everyday that you love, even if only for 15 minutes, because you matter.

Try to remember that you are the same person you were before infection and nobody deserves HIV.  There is also no shame in seeking the support of others, because there are some things in life that nobody can face alone.  Give it time and I promise it will get better.  You have been given life-altering news, so be fair to you and give yourself time to adjust.  Use these forums to rant or ask questions, as we "do" understand what you are experiencing.

While we cannot tell you how your journey with HIV will be, we will be there to walk alongside you.

[tmiller31]

thanks again guys for the responses, I really appreciate them. At least now, my worries are being lessened after reading those replies and other informative topics and posts in this forum. although there are times I'm still having a hard time sleeping whenever I think of that day when my doctor told me abt. my condition.. I hope I could gain friends here because I haven't decided if I'm going to tell this to my friends yet. I don't know when is the right time to tell them, or even my parents in the states. Do you guys think I should go to the hospital for immediate medication or whatever we call it? Bec. I'm scared to receive another bad news...

*pardon me for my english for it's not my native tongue.

[spacebarsux]

thanks again guys for the responses, I really appreciate them. At least now, my worries are being lessened after reading those replies and other informative topics and posts in this forum. although there are times I'm still having a hard time sleeping whenever I think of that day when my doctor told me abt. my condition.. I hope I could gain friends here because I haven't decided if I'm going to tell this to my friends yet. I don't know when is the right time to tell them, or even my parents in the states. Do you guys think I should go to the hospital for immediate medication or whatever we call it? Bec. I'm scared to receive another bad news...

*pardon me for my english for it's not my native tongue.

Hi tmiller,

The first few weeks/months can be hard but it is good you have realised that you will be ok if you take the right steps and have the right attitude.

When I was diagnosed I pretty much went through (and sometimes still go through) the same range of feelings/emotions as you are.

One on one counselling with a mental health professional was of immense help. Is it possible for you to avail the services of a professional counsellor?

Going for a run/long walks, listening to music, watching silly movies, hanging out with friends and family and generally doing things I enjoy also eased the pain somewhat.

Regarding disclosing to friends and family, I think everyone’s circumstance is unique and you know your situation best. There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach. I am of the view that rushing to disclose is usually not the right way to go, although keeping a monumental secret for longer than necessary is likely to harm your mental state (but you needn’t worry about that right now!!).

It certainly does help to confide in close, dependable and trustworthy friends and/or family though. However, if you feel you are not ready to disclose to anyone just yet, then that’s perfectly ok- you have us to talk to. We’re always here for you.

As for medical treatment, it is important you see your doctor who will ask you to run a battery of blood tests such as CD4 count, viral load, screening for Hep A, B and other STIs, liver function test etc. Based on these results, your doctor will advise you about treatment. If you are recently infected and/or if your blood counts are healthy, it is entirely possible you could go without treatment for quite some time.

Hang in there mate.

[tmiller31]

After having found out that I am +, how soon should I tell my betterhalf? And how should I tell him? He's in another country since last year.. Every time I wanted to confess to him, I having second thoughts because I'm scared of his reactions or what's next after having found out. . .    pls help. . . 

[buginme2]

After having found out that I am +, how soon should I tell my betterhalf? And how should I tell him? He's in another country since last year.. Every time I wanted to confess to him, I having second thoughts because I'm scared of his reactions or what's next after having found out. . .    pls help. . . 

You should have told your "betterhalf" as soon as you tested positive.  You need to man up and come clean. 

[Since2005]

Hey Tmiller,

Sorry about the news. I hope you are coping up with this well. Its a been a while ( month or so may be?) since you got diagonsied. I know its harder to tell your bf since you are having a hardtime to deal with this yourself. Do you know when is he coming back? I know it is going to be hard for you, but for his sake, you need to let him know on ASAP basis. If he is coming back very shortly then I would tell him face to face, otherwise, its time because he very well could also be HIV+ and he needs to take care of himself too. I hope the best for you with this issue. Hope it goes well for you. Best luck!

- Since