stable numbers this year

[leatherman]

Finally! I can start a thread with some good news, instead of talking about all that other bad stuff that has happened in my life since the first of the year (spinning wheels and treading water) I should warn you that although this really is good news, I'm not as happy about it as you might expect.

After being rescheduled twice since Summer, I finally got to see my doctor. Since this appt. had been put off for nearly two months, I haven't seen my doctor since early June. Goodness! Five months is probably the longest stretch  that I've ever gone without seeing a doctor! Luckily I had blood work done for the last rescheduled appt and knew that my counts had stayed stable; so it was okay that I went a while without seeing the doc.

First, he and I chatted about whether some current symptoms are the result of all the crap I breathed in the other day while out working in the yard (damned hay fever!) or whether my friends "passed" some bug on to me the other night while we were playing cards. (I've been pretty healthy for a while and they seem to have forgotten my germ-ophobia - and susceptibility - and didn't warn me about their "terrible head colds that must be from some bug that's been going around" LOL)

Of course, then we discussed how I've been coping since Jim's passing. Last time I was in the office, Jim had barely been gone a month, so I gave the doc the condensed version of living without Jim, packing and moving, and then the issues with the new housemates. Having been "trapped" together in the hospital, because of the blizzard this past March when Jim was first hospitalized, my doctor and I have formed a much better bond. He was very comforting and sympathetic, while I talked about how hard it's been for me - first by how fast this situation came upon us me (gotta go back to talking in the singular person again) without any warning, to the upheaval in my life by having to move.

But it wasn't all bad news I passed along. I also told him about how much of the actual moving I did, along with cleaning up the jungle of a yard at the new place, fencing it in for my dogz, building a backporch - with steps!, painting rooms in the new house and several other smaller projects that I've completed since moving in. Of course, he was quite pleased to hear that I'm moving along and moving forward with life. Even with my slightly fading tan, he mentioned that I looked the healthiest he's ever seen.

(turns out it was my friends that passed this bug to me and it isn't hay fever. The day after seeing the doc, I stayed in bed all day - stuffed up, sneezing, running a fever, and fluid coming out of too many orifices. Not so healthy after all, was I? LOL)

Then we got around to the nitty gritty of the appt - the results from my bloodwork. Unbelievably, once again, my counts were stable! My tcells bobbled down slightly from 256 to 243, which is negligible. Amazing my viral load was again "undetectable". I found these results so surprising because I keep thinking that at some point the stress, grief, unstable sleep patterns, poor nutritional intake, physical exhaustion and depression that I've been through since Feb is going to take a hit on my health. If not any of those reasons, then surely my poor med adherence should be having some effect.

Part of me is happy that my numbers have stayed stable, and a part of me is confused about how such a thing could happen with the problems I've had this year. I'd like to be just happy about this news, but somehow seeing that I've stayed alive (and fairly healthy) just to suffer through losing Jim, having to move, and now having to live into the future without a companion sorta dampens my exuberance about having these results.

(Re-reading through this post, I sound a little schizo. LOL I'm happy about the numbers. I'm not happy about the numbers.  Having been down this road before, you know, I'm still probably just talking through the grief and depression. Give me some time, and I'm sure results like this in the future will be making me nothing but happy.)

so here's quick look at my labs for this year:
DATE       VL      Tcell
02/28      189     250
04/10     2545*   225
05/29          0     214
09/04        75     256
10/02        50     243
*this was the last of 5 "blips" that I had in my VL over the past 2 yrs

not so bad considering my first undetectable took a decade to reach. Since June 04, I've now had 8 tests resulting in undetectable. My 3-yr average for tcells is now 250; and that's a lot better than the 5 yr avg of 170; and much better than the 10 yr avg of 161.

[Andy Velez]

Good deal! Good to read that you're doing well. And if you feel like grouching some, that's ok with me too.

Fingers crossed for upward trend to continue.

Cheers.

[BT65]

Congratulations, Mikie.

[bear60]

HI Mikie
It is good news. And talking about grief is probably going to go on forever. It just gets less painful with time. Give yourself some slack. You seem to be in a very good place.
Who won at the card game?

Joel

[Iggy]

Happy to see the numbers giving you a break. 

[pozguy75]

Good to see some good stuff going on!

[leatherman]

Who won at the card game?

since it was just a friendly card game (euchre) with the housemates and my OhioMom (and no money was involved LOL), we left the game in a tie 2-2.


I just wish that my OhioMom hadn't left this bug with me. It's been 4 days now, and though I'm not as sick feeling as I was Friday and less stuffy in the head, I've been sitting here shivering running a 102 degree temp today. (it's not fair either. She didn't get this sick!)

Though I still have those oddish feelings about being "lucky" enough to be this "healthy" (not counting PN, gastro issues, and that damned puking from my meds) and staying alive when it's meant having to live through losing Randy and now Jim . . .

. . . today, I have to say that I am totally HAPPY about those numbers I just got!

I'm sure some of you who have been through OIs, hospitals, long recovery times, and lingering side effects can understand a fear that I'm having. I've has such low tcells for so many years and was so sick for quite a few of those years, that back then I became kinda germ-ophobic. For a couple of years, I didn't venture outside my house too much. I wasn't quite a hermit cause I really was that sick, weak and tired; but it was close enough to being a hermit. (You know, it was Jim who was the one to get me out of my house and back to thinking I might just live for a while, so I oughta live it while I had it. Sigh!) I can even remember, three separate times, leaving shopping carts at the local grocery because somebody sneezed or coughed in next aisle.

So even the smallest bit of "extra" sickness used to really worry me. Was this pneumonia again?  Both times (pcp the first time, which got me that "aids" moniker), I would have sworn I only had the flu. The starting symptoms are so generic, that without an xray you almost don't know how sick you are till too late. (I've often thought that's one of the reasons that pneumonia is such a killer epidemic. In a similar way, like Jim, to finding out you have HIV/AIDS by being so sick that you are admitted to the hospital. Either situation can definitely put your life in balance.)

So while I'm sitting here with this fever, I hear the little voices again. Is this pneumonia? is it something worse? the beginning of the end? (don't just poo-poo that! I WAS that sick for many years, and always had to consider that) Remember how Randy ran the unexplained fever for a month before he started getting sick? Remember how Jim was sick with a fever for a month before ending up in the hospital (where the fever plagued him for weeks)? Remember my own unexplained 9 day fever just a few years ago?

(Ok, I'm going to pull this all together now LOL I wish I could blame the rambling on the fever but it's down to 99 now, and most of you already know I'm not one for short posts. LOL)

But I'm not listening to those voices from a different time in my life. I have those wonderfully stable numbers telling me that whatever I've got wrong right now, underneath it all I'm healthier than I've been in nearly 15 yrs. So quit worrying and don't fear the fever.   Drink plenty of fluids. Take Tylenol. Eat popsickles, and don't huddle under the blankets, to reduce the fever.

[bear60]

Mikie
If its any consolation....there IS something goiing around and Kurt is just getting over a TWO WEEK bout of a bad cold. It was the cough that scared me.....he didnt sound good and he was very tired but couldnt sleep because he was coughing.  I was one day away from taking him to the emergency room when it all cleared up ...just like that.  With that fever you want to watch getting dehydrated and the possibility of pneumonia.

[leatherman]

With that fever you want to watch getting dehydrated and the possibility of pneumonia.

now, dude! I just told you that I wasn't thinking those kinds of thoughts. 

but it's hard not to think like that sometimes, isn't it? After enough HIV complications, you learn to watch your health and try to anticipate what actions you need to take when something isn't right. (you also learn to be a little leery of going to the ER - they have the tendenecy to keep you! LOL)

and it does seem that there is something going around alright. Two more friends that I spoke with are ill, and one of the housemates just came down with it today. Whatever is going around in Ohio sure hits fast and hard. I'm not really coughing, though everyone else sure is complaining about that. It looks like it's 50/50 on whether you get a fever. It's day four for me now, and the fever comes and goes. Luckily, it's already getting cool enough in this area, that sitting on my back porch and steps (that I built just a couple weeks ago!) for a few minutes is a sure way to get my temp back down.   Don't worry though. I don't stay out too long; I'm drinking plenty of fluids (and eating fairly well); and taking Tylenol for the fever.

[leatherman]

I thought since I had turned my "good numbers" thread into whining about being sick, I should at least pass along the good news that I'm feeling better. 

I haven't had a fever in three days, and though I'm still just a little bit congested, all the other crappy feelings are gone. I would like to complain about some really achey joints I still have; but honestly, I have to credit that problem to age (oh the horrors of being 46 LOL) and this damned chilly weather in Ohio.

Since I've already screwed up my thread and it's not just about my numbers, I've got three quick stories from the last three days for you One is "happy", one is "sad", and one is "uncertain".

You know what broke my fever? Getting madder than heck the other day! I couldn't shake that +2 degree fever starting the week, and that was making me a tad crabby. It was also turning out to be one of those days when it seems like all your friends are doing everything they can to piss you off. The biggest one peeving me was the unemployed housemate that has been mooching off me for quite some time now. I was really ready to just pop him one in the face; but I took the high road and politely explained what a douche bag he's been and that if he was not employed by Oct 31st, he wasn't living in my house starting Nov 1st! Damn that felt good, my headache stopped and the fever went away. (Now, that's a HAPPY story! )

The following day, I got a piece of mail, forwarded from my old house, that left me quite sad. Unfortunately, once you lose your partner while under Hospice care, every once in a while the mail will do that to you. With only the best intentions, those nice Hospice people will send letters checking up on you, or reminding you about their helpful services still available, or inviting you to a Memorial service. That's very nice; but unfortunately those kinds of letters are also just a big slap of reality, reminding you of your loss. So after a nice big cry, I rsvp-ed and have a memorial service for Jim (and the others who passed away under Hospice Care this year) to attend next month. Now that I thnk about it, I guess I should be on the lookout for a note from the local family services agency (this town's version of an ASO) about their World Aids Day candlelight memorial. 

Before ending this section about my "sad" story, I'd like to interject just a small comment.
This situation is another in a list of reasons why I have such a differing opinion about this disease, as an LTS, than the "newbies" (for want of a better word). For all that happy talk about once-a-day pills, no side effects, and HIV being a "manageable" disease, I'm still suffering from the disease and the side effects from the meds, and still attending Memorial services honoring those who recently died from AIDS. If awfully hard for me to believe things have changed all that much, when 20 yrs later it's still taking friends and lovers from me.

And finally we reach my third tale, a tale of uncertainity. It seems that "uncle mikie" has now been talked into driving his 15 yr old OhioNephew and friend to a concert on Halloween. Luckily I have pretty eclectic tastes in music (my top 6, in order: Prince, Nine Inch Nails, Pet Shop Boys, Madonna, Smashing Pumpkins, and Garbage), so I'm busy downloading Mushroomhead* music to see just what mess I'm getting myself into chaffeuring the kids to this concert. Part of me doesn't really care because it's been a while since I went to a concert with my nephew. Our first concert together was when I went with him and his Mom and Dad to see KISS. My nephew was only FIVE then!! He and I pal-ed around the whole concert and had a blast! LOL I won't be able to carry him around on my shoulders like back then. He's taller than me now and outweighs me by about 70 lbs. (Boy do they grow up fast!)

*from wikipedia:
"Mushroomhead is a band from Cleveland, Ohio. Formed in 1993,in a city called north royalton a suburb of cleveland, the band’s music can be described as a synthesis of alternative, heavy metal, and electro-industrial influences."

    Sounds like leatherman might end up in the mosh pit! ROFL