why do I do this to myself?

[PeteNYNJ]

Ok - forgive the spelling mistakes, I just got in from a night of hard parting.  Drank too much - did too much coke and came home alone.  I don't know who I am anymore.  Ever since my diagnosis I have been different.  Maybe not on the outside - but on the inside for sure.  I don't think I deserve love...not from boyfriends, family, even my cat.  I don,t know what to do...I feel so lost in my life.  I just want to run away - but I know the problem is within me.   Thanks for listening - just needed to get that out without a loved ones reassurance that I am loved.  I don't love myself:(

[Miss Philicia]

Well, certainly you are recognizing the need to love yourself, and by that also caring about yourself and I would assume by your reference to hard partying you are concerned about this type of activity being detrimental to your health situation.  While I will wholeheartedly state that I have certainly participated in extremely hard partying at times in my diagnosis, I always tried to be cognizant about spacing out such forays so that my body could effectively recover.  I have no idea how often you are doing these activities so I can't comment on whether a little fun has crossed over to too much fun.  Of course, there will be some here who will say you should never engage in such activities, and I suppose theoretically they may have a point -- but in my experience it greatly depends on where you are numerically with your health.

But for now you seem mentally conflicted with this activity so my first advise would be to ask if you are seeing a mental health professional?  Feeling "lost in your life" always has the danger of leading to more severe problems down the road if allowed to fester, and maybe some one-on-one therapy will help you measure the degrees of what you are doing.

Best of luck.

[bear60]

quote you: I just want to run away - but I know the problem is within me.   

Right, we cannot escape ourselves! But perhaps understanding that,  you also know that you do have the answers within you as well.  Its just a matter of finding them.  Its not easy.
Oh, forgot to add: Drink lots of water and you'll feel better.

[Carolann]

Excessive partying and drinking often starts out as an escape, but can quickly progress to a path of certain self destruction. I don\'t think I could ever advocate, a do it in moderation approach, especially since you are clearly distraught, and aware that this is not the road you want to follow. You must deal with the issues that push you there to begin with. Are you seeing or seeking mental health services? Often the journey begins there. This disease is only complicated more when we don\'t keep the substance abuse in check. You realize you have a problem. Get proactive about it and beat this. You are what is at stake, and thos who love you. You have the advantage that you are realizing that you need help. Remember that a journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

Take Care

[James1941]

Ok - forgive the spelling mistakes, I just got in from a night of hard parting.  Drank too much - did too much coke and came home alone.  I don't know who I am anymore.  Ever since my diagnosis I have been different.  Maybe not on the outside - but on the inside for sure.  I don't think I deserve love...not from boyfriends, family, even my cat.  I don,t know what to do...I feel so lost in my life.  I just want to run away - but I know the problem is within me.   Thanks for listening - just needed to get that out without a loved ones reassurance that I am loved.  I don't love myself:(

I ask myself, 'do I want to reply to this post?'  'Do I want to continue being a cynical old bastard?'  Thinking, thinking, thinking.  Answer = yes.  Reason = because so many honest people here who really need our support.  My problem = this person start of by ask us to forgive his/her spelling mistakes = logical thinking.  Says that he/she just got in from night of hard partying, too much drink, too much coke.  I ask myself "after I have too much to drink (don't do coke but can start to imagine how it mess up the brain), am I capable of logical thought = probably not.  Ok, so I got problem with this post, I am not sure I believe that it is serious.  Just in case it is:

First, no mate, you don't deserve love, I don't deserve love, nobody deserves love, you got to earn it, same as me.
Second, you better start to love yourself cause nobody else does.  That is my feeling for me = I SURE AS HELL LOVE ME BECAUSE NOBODY ELSE DOES.

James

[Life]

Sounds like a normal reaction after a hard days night with nothing to show for it....   If you don't like where you are, don't do it anymore is all..

Hugs,

Eric

[Carolann]

I know a lot of people who are quite lucid afer a night of partying. What good does it do to pass judgement on someone who could very well be legitimate and asking for help?  You should leave it up to them if they are faking. If you feel that you are wasting your time by responding, just don\\\'t. Not everyone on this website has all the answers like you seem to. HIV brings with it a lot of heartache. I hope we are not part of it.

It is not like he is claiming to having become infected by performing oral sex on a woman, or some form of other \"immaculate infection\". 

Carolann

[asaint]

All I can say is your heading down a road that twist and turns in all the wrong ways. I know I been there done that and the out come is not pretty. (low CD4 count High VL and more OI's)
I still have a hard time excepting my standings in life, I often don't feel loved even though I'm told that I am often from family and friends.
But for sure I refuse to do drugs and alcohol these days. THEY DON'T DO NOTHING FOR YOU DUDE (Except cause more pain)
Bob

[DanielMark]

I don't think I deserve love...not from boyfriends, family, even my cat.  I don,t know what to do...I feel so lost in my life.

Pete,

I regret to log on here and find this post from you. Regret because there is nothing I can realistically do to comfort you, nothing I can say to help you love yourself, or most important, to help fill the gaping void that must exist within you.

If you go on filling that hole with things that can only ultimately harm you, you will be lost for good. I don’t know you, but as one human being to another, I would consider that a waste.

You can face your troubles and make it through, but only if you let yourself. I hope you will.

Courage to you Pete,

Daniel

[anniebc]

James

I ask myself, 'do I want to reply to this post?'  'Do I want to continue being a cynical old bastard?'  Thinking, thinking, thinking.  Answer = yes.  Reason = because so many honest people here who really need our support

You are entitled to your opnion, we encourage everyone here to speak freely as long as they are not hurting anyone into the bargain, so MY opinion is...I suggest you give them support they need and stop judging them.

Ok, so I got problem with this post, I am not sure I believe that it is serious

We take all posts serious here..if you don't believe this or any other post to be of a serious nature then don't post in it...it's as simple as that.

Carolann

It is not like he is claiming to having become infected by performing oral sex on a woman, or some form of other \"immaculate infection\". 

This is totally uncalled for in this thread...this is from a totally diferent post, please don't bring your disagreements with other posters into someone elses thread...this is about "Confusednewbie"..not "James1941", lets not lose sight of that.

Thank you

Jan

[Carolann]

I\\\'m sorry Annie, and you are right. I just got caught in the anger of the moment.
I am working on thinking before I hit that post button. It was just hard for me to ignore the inconsistency, when a person is being accused of being dishonest, by a person who made, what I and most here would consider to be an outlandish claim. I made the mistake of bringing it in to this thread, and for that I apologize to the thread\\\'s author.

 

[anniebc]

Thanks Carolann....I know how frustrating it can be at times but we like to, if possible, to try and keep the posts and replies to the topic at hand so we don't lose sight of the original thread or the poster.

Hugs
Jan

[allopathicholistic]

Ok - forgive the spelling mistakes, I just got in from a night of hard parting.  Drank too much - did too much coke and came home alone.  I don't know who I am anymore.  Ever since my diagnosis I have been different.  Maybe not on the outside - but on the inside for sure.  I don't think I deserve love...not from boyfriends, family, even my cat.  I don,t know what to do...I feel so lost in my life.  I just want to run away - but I know the problem is within me.   Thanks for listening - just needed to get that out without a loved ones reassurance that I am loved.  I don't love myself:(

I want to say I agree with Asaint in that alcohol and drugs essentially do little or no good but that's jmho. I want to tell you we'll help you as best we can {HUG!}

[puertorico2006]

I'm sure that many of us here can relate to what your feeling all i can say is i hope you can get it together and stay in one piece....just try your best and try to be strong

[Carolann]

Confusednewbie,

Puertorico is right,

Please let us know how you are doing. We are all rooting for you. We hope that you will get help from those who love you.

Hugs,

Carolann

[Iggy]

I'm leery of offering any advice on how to deal with this despite knowing this road extremely well (including all the relevant landmarks, pit stops and accident prone hairpin turns) because the one thing I finally learned from this path is that no one can tell you what is the right thing to do.

People can tell you what worked for them , or project will happen to you unless you follow their advice, and there are plenty out there who may equate their ability to distance themselves from their own fears or weaknesses is to do so vicariously through you.

The bottom line is here is I think your reactions are spot on and that is a good thing.  They are your own truths and not anothers and that's where I think you need to focus,

I suggest that  you may want to print out your post and start making questions out of it:  At what point did I have one too many (don't be judgmental here - just as far as you can remember what were you actually doing/talking with/thinking about when you grabbed that drink that started you going to far)  You can also ask that question with the coke.  Where you talk about being different - ask yourself exactly what feels different and when was the last time you felt "like yourself" It may surprise you to find out it's possible before the HIV (or mayhaps not.)  These are just some ideas for questions, but if you decide to try this I think you can come up with many more.

I think the key here is not to do this from the sense of judging yourself but to actual try to figure out the what when where and how of all these questions - they really could give you some guidance of what is going on and what you need to focus on to change that which is obviously not working for you.

[carousel]

So the coke was crap?

I used to go out, take drugs and try to get off my face as I could.  It didn't work, I was in too much of depression and the drugs only heightened those feelings.

I kept trying to run away from it and the only way I knew how, was to take more.  I ended up a virtual zombie, a gurning monster making a tit of myself in clubs.

First things I did was stop taking the drugs.  I didn't see the point of spending all that money to feel miserable.  I occassionally miss them and find it difficult to resolve the issue of not being off my head during sex. 

I can't say I'll never do it again, but I hope that it will be for the heck of it, rather than as an escape from stress or depression.

Good luck.

[PeteNYNJ]

Thanks to all who offered up advice.  It always seems like the same people on here offer great advice (Jan, Allopathcholsti, Bear, Carolann to name a few)

To clarify my state of mind - I was completely sober after a night of partying which was just that - I was at a party with tons of friends.  I don't really think of myself as a drunk or cokehead but I did indulge too much that night.

I had a moment of clarity in the morning and just wanted to write it down - writing helps me get out my feelings sometimes. 
I really like Iggy's suggestion regarding printing the post and working on each issue.

I have been in therapy off and on for years and currently take Lexapro to help with anxiety more then depression.  I have avoided going back to therapy lately because in the past it has been a waste of time for me. 

I think this was my first "whoa is me" post on here in the year and half I have been on here so here is to popping my cherry

I also don't participate in flame wars on here because they are stupid so I would never call anyone out specifically.  I do find that sometimes people shouldn't chime in if they have nothing constructive to say. 

On another note - everything I ever post on here is serious.  You can go back to my old posts if you don't believe me. 

Thanks again for your responses.  I am in a better place today even though NYC is raining and dreary

Pete
(who doesn't understand why I am called he/she when my picture is in my avatar)

[Miss Philicia]

Glad to hear you are doing better Pete.  Sounds like maybe you were just in what's called a "shame spiral"

[northernguy]

I don't do much serious drinking since diagnosis, I find that even after just 2 drinks I feel depressed and anxious the morning after.  I don't know if its the stress of living with HIV & adding alcohol, or an actual chemical change in the way my body reacts to alcohol now.

[pozattitude]

Pete,

It is not unusual to feel this way, specially when first diagnosed.
To be quite honest, I went down a self destructive path right after me finding out I was poz.  I think that for 6 moths after my seroconversion I was boozing, snorting, pill popping, I thing the only thing I didn't do was shoot up.
I am glad I snapped out of it sooner than later.
Don't hate yourself, rather love yourself and allow others to love you.  It is easier said than done, I know.
Therapy didn't really work for me, talking didn't do much.  I went through several therapists and anti depressants and although I wasn't self destructive anymore, I still felt empty and depressed.
I stop therapy and my ID doc prescribed me Cymbalta and it finally I feel somewhat like myself again.
Hang in there, try to surround yourself with optimistic people and avoid negative(attitude)  people for a while.

[allopathicholistic]

Here's a question to make your head spin (you=everyone here, not just you=Pete)

Q: If we don't "deserve" love, what do we "deserve"?

A: Wanna stop this brain-teaser? Then take "deserve" out of the equation and just focus on what you want and how to get it. It's often best to simplify

Just more 2 cents from me

[aztecan]

Hey Pete,

After I was initially told I was positive, I spent seven years in a substance-induced haze. Funny you should bring it up, but booze and coke were my favorites!

It didn't really help. Luckily, in my case, no serious repercussions either. But, after seven years, a good friend gave me a kick in the ass and told me I needed to face myself in the mirror.

That took time and some doing and I soon learned I couldn't do it in a drunken haze. I had already sworn off the coke because I was afraid I was starting to like it way too much.

So, after some time, I learned to look into the mirror and like the person I saw there. More time passed and I learned to love the person in the mirror.

It didn't happen overnight and it took a lot of soul searching, but I did it. I also learned to dump the baggage I carried with me, and the people who were little more than baggage in my life.

I'm not saying all of this applies to you. Only you can decide that. HIV has a way of making us look at ourselves. Sometimes, at least in my case, I didn't like what I saw.

So, I decided to change the things I didn't like. I'm still working on it.

My point is don't give up on yourself and don't continually beat yourself up. Just take a look at yourself and decide what it is you like, what it is you don't like and then take the appropriate action.

And give it some time. It took years to get where you are today. Don't expect miracles overnight.

OK, I'm no shrink, but that's what I did and it worked - still works - for me.

Hang in there.

HUGS,

Mark

[david25luvit]

The question was...Why do I do this to myself?  The answer...Because you can.  You can also turn this around and
find a way to cope with the challenges you now face in life being HIV+.  Even people who aren't HIV+ question the
reason for their existence or question why they can't find love or become self destructive.  It's true...you need to
love yourself.  Especially if you want others to love you.  Take a little off time from the partying and get reacquainted
with yourself.  You just may discover there's a lot of you to LOVE.
Hang in there good buddy....We've all been there!