Just diagnosed and pretty bad statistics?.. Now what?

[roy100]

Just diagnosed and pretty bad statistics.. Now what?

Hi, I am from Mexico 53 year old male.

I was diagnosed with AIDS 2 month ago.  Viral load + 100,000 and CD count 46.
I am in treatment with Kaletra and Truvada. Remeron for depression and Bactrim every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.

The disease to me came really hard.  I guess it's been there all along.
I have been taking antibiotics for a long time more than 10 years, and very tired I mean tired (fatigue).
I guess the first symptoms started 4 years.

I felt ill and down like been very badly ill a very kind of feeling of malaise. No hunger, an arrhythmia.  At this point I was having an ill relationship which ended 6 months later.

They told me it was depression and started on Remeron which is an Antidepressant.
This AD made me it like a horse; I recuperated and decided lo get off the AD which had made slightly overweight.

Since then 4years ago I attributed everything  to my withdrawal from AD, depersonalization no desire to live, no energy, fatigue,  having to sleep 14 hours a day , no mood to do anything , and getting a cold from  everything , even from cutting  the little hairs inside my nose.

I guess I always knew that I had Aids and always avoided the test just to fantasy that I was fine. I guess my unconscious believed that if it's not written down, I am safe.

Almost a year ago I had a sinus infection and a cough that lasted for 3 months, the specialist (otolaryngologist) asked me if I were gay , and told me to get a test for VIH   which I had only made a regular blood test which came back with Eosinophilia, and the doctor said , an Allergy.  He told me to get some time the test done , but I refused , I got  off the sinus infection , finally well again , I lost a lot of weight , but I attributed this to my uncles suicide , whom I found hanged. Terrible suffering which took me to the psychologist for 3 months.

Starting the winter a wicked itch came to all my body, especially after eating cheese or food with lots of conservatives like ham, hotdogs, from which I had never been allergic. I also had no appetite, and had bad taste in my mouth, also bad smelling, everything stink to me .

Waited 3 more months and took all kinds of antihistamines, avoiding eating many foods, even thinking I had celiac disease.

Finally went to the allergologist, my skin was dry and itchy and looked like a cardboard.
He made take so many tests, like 8 including one for VIH which came out positive. That's when my world ended. I panicked and started going to the Infectologist. Thats when he ordered a bunch of new other tests and got my viral load and Cd count.  He also send me back to the psychiatrist, and told me that my apprehensive nature my anxiety  and depression were my worst  enemy , and that the treatment was based to adherence, and with my depression , he said I could drop off the window my medicine , or myself.
I started with the psychiatrist and he told this is war , and put me back on same old Remeron which gave back my appetite a took me out of the depression .

All this happen in the last 2 months. I have been on treatment for a month and a half, the allergy I though I had was finally diagnosed as

Eosinophilic folliculitis which is in Aids patients when the CD drop from 100.

I also loose my breath easily, so I had a thorax x ray, and the Dr said there was a tiny opacity in the lower part of one lung , for which he prescribed  Bactrim as a prophylactic  measure .

And old boyfriend of mine died of Aids about 13 years ago, but I always used a condom with him, but we did a lot of stuff in bed. I think I got it from him.

I have had lots of other sex partners , I mean lots, I taught that as long as if they didnt come inside of me I would be all right
Ever since I was 40 years old (13 years ago) I have been tired low mood, I attributed this to Andropause. My impotence also came with this kind of malaise that I have had for all this years.  I had a lot of sex partners, I had paid sex for massages and hard penetrations which were the only thing that made me come.
As always no protection , as long as they didn?t come inside of me , after all they were so gorgeous and look so healthy  I thought  I had more risk of been sick than them .

This is my sad story; I am lonely, sick, facing a chronic, controllable disease and mortal, according to my Infectologist.

I am catholic and went to confession; they told me to be celibate the rest of my life. After all who knows how many people I had infected, and to avoid infecting more I needed to do that.

I had a few friends but been depressed they all seem to get bored of the idea of giving me good words , after all life for them continued , mine  was the one affected, in other words , this is my cross and I have to carry it myself.

So I am here thinking who gave this, when, did I infected my beloved last boyfriend from which I had many sex sessions, and was straight?

I feel bad, the psychiatrist tells me he can take care of the depression, but tis is  sadness, and nobody can take away. When I wake up I think here is the Aids infected one.
How can I accept my self in this new me, how can I handle people now.
I was a sex addict before ,  and now celibacy ?
Please people with wisdom tell me what to do, I am desperate....... !

Thanks

[Inchlingblue]

You should begin to feel much better as the medications begin to kill off the virus in your system. Kaletra and Truvada are good strong meds. It will take some time but you will get better.

Have you checked testosterone? Maybe you need some hormone replacement.

Hang in there.

No te preocupes mucho.

[Jeff G]

Welcome to the forum Roy . You will find some very knowledgeable and supportive people here to talk to that has been where you are today . Just like you we all had to come to terms with our own HIV diagnoses , we made it through it and you can also .

When you feel like having safe sex again do it . Never let anyone tell you you cant live a normal life with HIV or persue anything you may want to do with your life .  

[mecch]

En las palidas tardes
yerran nubes tranquilas
en el azul; en las ardientes manos
se posan las cabezas pensativas.
?Ah, los suspiros! ?Ah, los dulces suenos!
?Ah, las tristezas ?ntimas!
?Ah, el polvo de oro que en el aire flota,
tras cuyas ondas tremulas se miran
los ojos tiernos, humedos,
las bocas inundadas de sonrisas,
las crespas cabelleras
y los dedos de rosa que acarician!

En las palidas tardes
me cuenta un Hada amiga
las historias secretas
llenas de poes?a:
lo que cantan los pajaros,
lo que llevan las brisas,
lo que vaga en las nieblas,
lo que sue?an las ninas.

Una vez sent? el ansia
de una sed infinita.
Dije al Hada amorosa:
"Quiero en el alma mia
tener la inspiraci?n honda, profunda,
inmensa: luz, calor, aroma, vida."
Ella me dijo: ?Ven! con el acento
con que hablar?a un arpa. En ?l hab?a
un divino idioma de esperanza.
?Oh sed del ideal!
Sobre la cima
de un monte, a media noche,
me mostro las estrellas encendidas.
Era un jardin de oro
con p?talos de llamas que titilan.
Exclame: ?Mas!
La aurora
vino despu?s. La aurora sonreia,
con la luz en la frente,
como la joven t?mida
que abre la reja, y la sorprenden luego
ciertas curiosas magicas pupilas.
Y dije: ?Mas!
Sonriendo
la celeste Hada amiga
prorrumpio: "Y bien! ?las flores!"
Y las flores
estaban frescas, lindas,
empapadas de olor: la rosa virgen,
la blanca margarita,
la azucena gentil y las vol?biles
que cuelgan de la rama estremecida.
Y dije: ?Mas!?
El viento
arrastraba rumores, ecos, risas,
murmullos misteriosos, aleteos,
m?sicas nunca o?das.
El Hada entonces me llevo hasta el velo
que nos cubre las ansias infinitas,
la inspiraci?n profunda
y el alma de las liras.
Y lo rasg?. Y alli todo era aurora.
En el fondo se veia
un bello rostro de mujer.
?Oh, nunca,
Pierides, direis las sacras dichas
que el alma sintiera!
Con su vaga sonrisa
"?m?s??" dijo el Hada.
Y yo ten?a entonces
clavadas las pupilas
en el azul; y en mis ardientes manos
se pos? mi cabeza pensativa?

RUBEN DARIO


Welcome Roy,
Your post touched my heart. I pray you find a new breath of life now that doctors and you know what was happening, and how to make it better for the future.  

That's right, I feel that the worst may be behind you, because you sufferred a long time, physically and emotionally, not knowing it was just a nasty virus destoying you.  Not wanting to know, too!  

But it is just a virus -- and you are human with a lifetime of joys and sorrows, and the nightmare of the last few years is over and its Dawn, as Ruben Dario says in his poem.  Open your eyes don't let something little bring you down so far ever again because you are much stronger than you realise!

[Assurbanipal]

Welcome Roy

I, too, am 53.  Four years ago I was about as ill as you are now, perhaps a little worse on the numbers.  I, too, started on Kaletra and Truvada.

And now, 4 years later, things are much improved -- not perfect -- middle age has its drawbacks as well as its advantages.  If you look down at the bottom of this post you can follow the messy medical details.  The only health suggestion I'd make based on those similarities is to be certain to get lots of vitamin D and calcium.  (Our bones get weaker with age and with HIV and the first few months of Truvada can weaken them more.)

One senses that this diagnosis has caused you to reevaluate many things in your life.  But, in one's 50's, that is a natural process.  There's a number of us here and -- while we are usually busy telling jokes or fighting over politics-- occasionally you will hear meditations on similar issues.
 
We welcome yours

A

[Billy B]

Hello Roy,
Like Assurbanipal said, you are over 50 and that brings its own problems even if you were negative. I know because I will be 51 in a few months so being tired is a part of our advanced years. I find myself working harder just to keep up with my work than I had to 20 years ago. My brother agrees and he is negative.
You will feel better when your body gets controll of your virus. Get out and walk or exercise. It will make you feel better!
Peace,
Billy

[jethro]

Hello Roy and welcome. I am 53 also. You sound as if you are on the right path, i.e, self awareness, physical and mental medical accessibility, and perhaps the wisdom of age . I wish you the best. This does not have to be a death sentence.

[roy100]

Thanks so much for your fabulous words of support.

It does help to know how you all felt when this lightning came down to you!

I have come to understand that acceptance is a process , and it doesn't happen overnight, and if one need psychological or psychiatric help then just go ahead and reach out to them.
This a great forum with lots of people giving hope ,advice and care.

One thing is clear, the disease made  a lot of us more human and understanding persons, with other values and more compassion.

It is hard to believe I was in my death bed and I did not realize it !

It makes me remind me of a book I read, where they say , if you put a frog ( or a lobster) in cold water and gradually boil it , it wont jump out, it will die happy sleeping and boiling.  If you put the frog ( or lobster ) in boiling water , for sure it will be jumping over half cooked , but wanting out.

This is what happened to me and many others we were boiling , really over cooked until reality came down knocking at the door.

I am already feeling a lot better, my dermatitis is slowly going away , I have my appetite back, ( thanks to AD Remeron), I am not so depress, and I am a better human been.

[hope_for_a_cure]

Hello Roy,

I know this year has brought about huge changes (for us both).  My only advice is to try and maintain a winning attitude.  Its hard to stay upbeat I know but dwelling on the negative aspects will just bring you down into the depths of depression.  Focus on something positive, like you said to me, helping your mom is on the daily agenda for you. 

I was on my death bed in March and now I feel great compared to those 2 weeks in the hospital.  I did not think I would ever look like my true self again but I do.  We dont really know what tomorrow will bring but please hope for the best and try to stay as upbeat as you can.  Of course I am not trying to minimize the fact that we both have a very serious disease.  Attitude plays a huge roll in how we deal with things.

Just my 2 cents worth.  I am by no means an expert on this matter but wanted to post a reply on your thread because you did the same on mine.  Thanks and best of luck as you progress. 

[Vertice]

One thing is clear, the disease made  a lot of us more human and understanding persons, with other values and more compassion.

I am already feeling a lot better, my dermatitis is slowly going away , I have my appetite back, ( thanks to AD Remeron), I am not so depress, and I am a better human been.

Bienvenido Roy, It is so true how the disease change our perspectives of live, changing us for the better. It is good to hear that you are feeling a lot better and less depress. What really helped me was to learn more about the disease, the drugs available, the trials & research and to know that there is hope out there......it make me feel in control.  All the best.