Author Topic: stuck: don't want to date, don't want to do anything. Options? No. (Read 5694 times)

CalvinC · « **on:** March 19, 2009, 12:47:19 pm »

Hi all

Some of you may remember me from Montreal a few years back. I'm poking my head back in.

I tested poz about three years ago, and my numbers are terrific. No meds, great health.

When I tested poz in 2006, the guy I was seeing dropped me. I was dealing with this still when I met up with y'all at the aids-meds gathering in Montreal. Well, I got over that, though I'm still unsure if all the emotional upheaval was from being dumped or being poz; I tend to think it's the former.

Anyway, about two years ago, in 2007, I met this great guy who is neg and didn't give a whit about my status. Problem: he was in a relationship. I should have known better but pursued things. This went on for just over a year, on and off. A great connection, bad timing. He solved everything by moving away.

I think about him constantly, eight months later. I have a feeling that hanging on to the emotional pain helps me maintain a connection with him, and this I know is not good. It also stops me from dating. I haven't dated, no sex with anyone, nada, and I just couldn't be bothered.

I was re-reading some Andrew Holleran short stories, and it's interesting reading his stuff again now that I'm poz. Yet on the other hand, the reality of being poz is cold. I am working on myself tons: therapy, twelve-steps, gym, sports, everything constructive save actually putting myself out there. I Just Don't Want To. Part of it is holding onto the last affair, part of it is just being too tired to face the possibility of rejection, part of it is that whomever I meet won't match the last guy, and so on.

My therapist is just great, yet I know he's pushing me to dating, and at times I could just scream: What the f*** do you know about anything? You're neg, you've got a lover, you're settled in your job. I don't have anything of these things (though I do work in a job I love, it is always tenuous). So who the f*** are you to sit there so smugly and gently prod me to do something more than I have been. The past three years have seen almost monumental changes for me; yet at the same time devastating loss. (I got into a road rage incident, of all things, last summer. I have never been in trouble with the law. But I lost my head, got out of my car at the stop light, and spit on the other person. Police came, and when they found out I was poz, I got put in jail. It was awful. But the charges have been dropped, thanks to a good lawyer, and I've learned a good deal from that.)

Sorry to ramble. I suppose I just want part of my old life back, when I didn't have to think much about a future that for me seems to be ever more constrained. I want Philip back. After pushing away intimacy most of my life, I've now realized that nothing is more important--just at the moment, of course, when I become poz.

Any thoughts?

Cal

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #1 on:** March 19, 2009, 02:42:39 pm »

My therapist has never prodded me to jump back into the dating scene, though we've certainly discussed my feelings on the issue. I feel much less encumbered being single, and have no "issues" about it at all. Frankly it simplifies my life at this point. Doesn't mean I won't change my mind at some point, nor does it mean that if I were to suddenly click with someone that I'd run away from it, but I'm simply not actively looking nor am I obsessing about the fact that I am not looking. In fact, I've never appreciated the tendency in most other people to have an incessant need to be coupled, as it's just a reaction to their inability to cope with being alone. I guess that I'm fortunate that in general I don't feel "lonely" and in my mind such feelings often lead us into a relationship that perhaps isn't all that ideal, just in order to have a partner.

I suppose then that if you're properly expressed your current views on the issue then why is your therapist forcing this? I would respectfully question him on this during a session. I would suspect he feels that you're obsessing over something you can't obtain (Philip) and that it's not a healthy situation.

CalvinC · « **Reply #2 on:** March 19, 2009, 04:23:10 pm »

Thanks..... You bring up a point I should clarify. I have told my therapist that the loneliness I feel is killing me. So it's natural, I guess, that he gently "prods" me. And I suppose my imagined ranting at him is not that he is doing something unwarranted--more like me taking my anger out on someone, anyone, rather than live with the confusion of feelings that swamp me daily. The therapist is a great guy and gently points out that alleviating loneliness takes putting oneself out there. And that's where some of the lethargy comes in. With Philip, I was fortunate, in not having to deal with rejection. It was the total opposite of the guy who ran away.

I just feel defeated, like a character in a Holleran story. It's difficult not to engage in the self-pitying I'm-too-old-to-start-over musings.

Funny....dying for love lead me to situations where I took risks in the name of intimacy. But testing poz woke me up to becoming aware of what I was doing, ie, constant sabotage.

mecch · « **Reply #3 on:** March 19, 2009, 04:31:27 pm »

Hi.
Pining for the last lover, while you are single, is understandable but Im guessing you know its a dead end as well. However, not dating is an option and why not just stick to you guns and be open and sooner or later the next Mr. Right will come along. Sound like you have a lot of interesting and healthy distractions. Im with Miss P - ask your shrink why the push to date, and if you don't like the explanation, tell him(her) so and discuss. If the shrink told you to jump off the Brooklyn Bridge..... you wouldnt and you'd change your shrink. Also - you sure it is your shrink pushing you to date - your own post show ambivalence about this - you say intimacy is very important but also say you dont want to push to date and also show some pessimism - but we see in the pic an attractive guy, and with healthy interests, so you are certainly dateable!

Sounds like some bitterness and anger toward the shrink and maybe others (road rage).

By the way, I would like to point out that Philip the last Mr. Right was betraying his boyfriend, being with you, and so that doesn't seem like a thing a fabulous guy would do, at least not for very long, at least in my opinion. So maybe be glad he's gone. Yo

Also, maybe don't date people in relationships - ok maybe have sex with them if you must but really, emotional involvements with unavailable people?? You want to be "the other guy" like the classic "other woman" or "mistress". Not very kosher. You may think that with Philip you were having real intimacy but in fact you chose to pursue a person who was NOT totally available and finally just moved away and dumped you. So, that was avoiding intimacy, really.

Thank your stars you have your health and find other healthy and available potential partners. Who needs all that complication?

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #4 on:** March 19, 2009, 05:34:34 pm »

Quote from: CalvinC on March 19, 2009, 04:23:10 pm

Thanks..... You bring up a point I should clarify. I have told my therapist that the loneliness I feel is killing me. So it's natural, I guess, that he gently "prods" me. And I suppose my imagined ranting at him is not that he is doing something unwarranted--more like me taking my anger out on someone, anyone, rather than live with the confusion of feelings that swamp me daily. The therapist is a great guy and gently points out that alleviating loneliness takes putting oneself out there. And that's where some of the lethargy comes in. With Philip, I was fortunate, in not having to deal with rejection. It was the total opposite of the guy who ran away.

I just feel defeated, like a character in a Holleran story. It's difficult not to engage in the self-pitying I'm-too-old-to-start-over musings.

Funny....dying for love lead me to situations where I took risks in the name of intimacy. But testing poz woke me up to becoming aware of what I was doing, ie, constant sabotage.

OK, so if you're having loneliness issues but aren't ready or willing to do the dating thing, what are you doing to address this? And is this a "romance/relationship loneliness" or just that your becoming a hermit and not even engaging in activities with friends. And exactly what is the nature of your circle of friends -- do you have many and how good are those relationships, etc.? You live in a very large city, so should you chose to do so there should be many avenues to explore even if it's volunteering at an ASO to meet other positive guys just for friendship.

And how perfect was your life before your diagnosis? Did you not have any of these feelings even before that time?

TravPJ · « **Reply #5 on:** March 19, 2009, 05:41:12 pm »

I am literally a hermit. Live in the woods away from everyone and see society once maybe twice a month to get groceries. It isn't so bad.

CalvinC · « **Reply #6 on:** March 20, 2009, 04:51:48 pm »

Thanks Miss P, and meech:

About Philip: yeah, you are right, and I know this, ie, that he is someone who cheated and why would I want someone like that etc etc. I'm 1,000 times aware. I'm in a program that addresses these intimacy issues. But it still is there.

I get out of the house daily and have a very flexible job, though I'm a bit married to my work. I play team sports. I have very close friends, at least four, whom I can count on. Supportive family. Other acquaintances. And so on. I do volunteer. But they're not enough.

My life before hiv? Worse, I think. Wanton promiscuity and futile direction. It was a sad place. Only now it is still sad, but different. I know I'm lucky: great health with no meds, great country (Canada), excellent benefits, and so on. I don't want more friends or anything. I want Philip--but that's wrong. I'm too tired just thinking about trying again.

I suppose what I need to do is forget dating, at least for now. The past three years have been just ongoing change, and I'm just looking for a soft landing, I guess.

Thanks for listening.

Cal

water duck · « **Reply #7 on:** March 20, 2009, 07:53:53 pm »

When I tested poz in 2006, the guy I was seeing dropped me. Well, I got over that, though I'm still unsure if all the emotional upheaval was from being dumped or being poz; I tend to think it's the former.

i guess it is both, and i am not sure you are over it (him) yet.

My therapist is just great, yet I know he's pushing me to dating, and at times I could just scream: What the f*** do you know about anything? You're neg, you've got a lover, you're settled in your job. I don't have anything of these things

it is perfectly normal for you to be saying things that way, there is anger here !! being honest with yourself will helps, as all healing begins with one SELF.

The past three years have seen almost monumental changes for me;

i guess you are not alone, welcome to the club, we all go through changes, let's hope the changes will be positive, as we are after all positive

I suppose I just want part of my old life back,

boy !! have i got news for you, say goodbye to your old life, it is not coming back , why beat yourself up. why not welcome the 'new' you, and if you let it , it can only be better !!
guess you need to redefine intimacy and consider : is it the fear of loneliness that is driving you towards it.

I'm too tired just thinking about trying again.

oh dear , be kind to yourself, give yourself the time your body and mind needs. why do you think you need to try ?? why not just let it happen, and it will when you lest expect it. sorry my time is up, need to go, but before
..............soft landing......................

Wd

positivmat · « **Reply #8 on:** March 21, 2009, 08:18:06 am »

Its funny how lonely I can feel at times. I really identify with what you are feeling and its good to know that I am not alone. I was cheating on my wonderful partner of 13 years afraid of my mid 40's and thinking I should engage in some exciting (and dangerous behavior). I was sort of like the hiv virus entering the lives of some of the men I met. I would enter their consciousness and replicate myself until I was just what they wanted and needed. Then I contracted hiv and was left by all those I had been with. I was never really with them in the first place. But I was devastated by one of my lost affairs. I have some terribly severe attachments to my past lover who has since moved on to someone who is available and nice. I think those feelings for me are indicative of my desire to be intimate with someone. While I was sleeping around, I always looked for phys and emotional intimacy even if it was based on lies.anyway I was so fucked up in that respect and hiv is sort of forcing me to be a real person more honest. I am a newbie on the hiv front though (and on the real person front as well). It was good to hear your honest struggling with your feelings. I say stay away from guys like me in relationships. Thanks for being real.
Matt

jampdx · « **Reply #9 on:** March 21, 2009, 08:44:14 am »

Quote from: TravPJ on March 19, 2009, 05:41:12 pm

I am literally a hermit. Live in the woods away from everyone and see society once maybe twice a month to get groceries. It isn't so bad.

That would be my dream.

Calvin,

I'm sorry you're going through this. I feel, very lonely at times and other times, freak when I think of someone getting close. I have to admit though, I felt that way before I was positive. I am not scared of a relationship, but scared of being smothered and hurt again. HOWEVER, this is not about me.

I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. It's probably good they're encouraging you to get back out there, but no one except you knows when you're truly ready. Also, I always say... ex's are ex's for a reason. Everything seems better and more rosey when you look back, but it's not. You broke up for a reason.

Also, you may not want to take anything I'm saying into count. I'm going on my 14th hour at work and am falling asleep sitting up.

Always here to listen if you want to shoot a PM.

J

Texan38 · « **Reply #10 on:** March 21, 2009, 09:45:20 am »

Calvin,

Going through a break up is always hard. I'm sure you have days when you think of him, hours thinking of all the good times you had together and end up crying because he's out of your life. Please don't let this relationship break you. It's great to hear you're seeing a therapist but you seem to refuse to let him go completely so how well is the therapist going to help you if you're not helping yourself.
The sooner you let go of your past, the sooner you'll learn to love and respect yourself. You'll get to a point when you'll feel you'll be able to breath again but it's going to be totally up to you as to how soon you'll feel better.

Take Care and Good Luck.

Oh and by the way, no one is ever to old to start all over again. Don't ever let age be a restriction for you!

LatinAlexander · « **Reply #11 on:** March 22, 2009, 12:55:06 am »

Calvin : you are not alone.

I identify myself pretty much with what you said. I am also the kind of person for whom letting go past relationships is hard. VERY hard. Up to the point of reading e-mails from 2 years ago, and still cry.

I am not a very good advisor here, but, I cannot say anything else that LOVE YOURSELF.

Good luck buddy

Alex

CalvinC · « **Reply #12 on:** March 22, 2009, 07:09:58 pm »

Thanks all for your thoughtful and kind replies. It is good to know I am not alone.

Just went to see a movie called One Week, about a guy who's just been diagnosed with cancer, and so he takes a road trip across Canada to sort things out. Profoundly unsentimental. No answers. Like this life of mine, I guess.

I had imagined for myself a larger life, but the past few years of self-work have left me feeling like Lily Bart (in Wharton's The House of Mirth): almost there, but not quite, and a realization of life's promise too late.

I don't know what I'll do. Keep plugging away, I guess. Thanks again all.

Cal

...waterduck, thanks for the soft landing......

komnaes · « **Reply #13 on:** March 22, 2009, 10:34:05 pm »

Have faith, Calvin..

If nothing else we can look to technology!

This still looks a bit spooky but imagine what they can do with it in 5 years, 10 years time, etc. Just hold on long enough..

I meanwhile have started really saving..

Sorry for being cheeky..

Hugs, Shaun

texasangel071184 · « **Reply #14 on:** March 29, 2009, 01:25:05 pm »

i am also in the same type of boat calvin maybe if we don't so much as look for someone we will bump into mr. right or ms right dependingo n preference and if iam lucky i meet prince charming in my case i know he out there somewhere under all this crap lol so keep your head up remember we are all worth so as a person and as a friend! as for the lonelyness do you like animals? cats or dogs? there great and will love you forever. also don't forget to suround youself with friend look like there plenty of good decent folks on here.

dtwpuck · « **Reply #15 on:** March 30, 2009, 10:59:44 pm »

I think this forum is amazing. Sometimes the soul-baring honesty on here is very engaging.

I am the last person in the world to give advice on how to remain single. But it occurs to me that there are a lot of happy people in the world who are single and choose to remain so.

Maybe you are holding on to the idea of your last relationship because you are not ready to have one now. I don't think it matters much. What matters is that you do what you know is right for you. And, when it comes time, you will change your mind.

Best of luck and thanks for a thought-proviking post.

CalvinC · « **Reply #16 on:** April 01, 2009, 11:22:49 am »

Thanks again for all your great feedback.

I suppose that one day soon the clouds will break. I will get tired of being tired of it all and make a move. I only wish it were more apparent. But I will keep the faith.

Cal

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Author Topic: stuck: don't want to date, don't want to do anything. Options? No. (Read 5694 times)