Author Topic: REQUEST: Jokes and funny stories please...someone, anyone! (Read 9903 times)

sweetasmeli · « **on:** September 09, 2006, 03:16:35 am »

Am in dire need of a good laugh!

A tired and grumpy Melia

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #1 on:** September 09, 2006, 04:04:43 pm »

A husband and wife, both 75 years old, go see a doctor.

The doctor says: "Sir, I'll need some samples from you. Urine, stool, semen."

The husband turns to his wife and asks: "What? How am I going to give all that!!??"

The wife says: "Just give him your underwear"

Quarter Horse · « **Reply #2 on:** September 09, 2006, 07:18:32 pm »

Well, I may get a backlash.......but who gives a damn.

A woman goes to her Doctor and says " I am really nervous about something Dr." "What has you so upset Mrs Jones?" the doctor asks.

"My husband has been wanting me to have anal sex ever since he retired last month."

The doctor asks "Is the thought of anal sex frightening for you Mrs Jones?"

"I am afraid I might get pregnant, can you get pregnant from anal sex doctor"

"Of course you can" the doctor says, "Where do you think republicans come from?!"

Brian

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #3 on:** September 10, 2006, 02:57:47 am »

Thanks guys!

Anymore for anymore???

frenchpat · « **Reply #4 on:** September 10, 2006, 03:06:37 am »

A traveler is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway.
Nothing is moving.
He notices a few men walking down the shoulder, when
suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's
happening?"
"Terrorists have kidnapped President Bush and are
asking for a $10 billion ransom -
otherwise they are going to douse him with gasoline
and set him on fire.

We're going from car to car to take up a collection."

The driver asks, "On the average, how much is everyone
giving?"

"About a gallon."

Pat

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #5 on:** September 10, 2006, 04:20:05 am »

Teeheehee! Me likey that one!

Keep 'em coming guys!

An appreciative Melia

Basquo · « **Reply #6 on:** September 10, 2006, 04:33:55 am »

Why did the school nurse send Dracula hoe?

Because he had a 'coffin' fit.

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #7 on:** September 10, 2006, 04:54:47 am »

Here's a laugh from the past...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0rNfZxgkH7k

"I just want to say that being chosen as this month's Miss August is like a compliment I'll remember for as long as I can."

jlrvinton · « **Reply #8 on:** September 13, 2006, 03:49:43 am »

Hey, Did you hear about the two silk worms that got into a Race??

It ended in a Tie.......

jlrvinton · « **Reply #9 on:** September 13, 2006, 04:03:25 am »

Two little old Southern Ladies were sitting on their front porch swing, dreaming of the "Good Ol' Days....
One says..."Sista, Do you recall the Cotillion Balls.."
The other replied..."OOHHH SISTA...I most certainly do... Every dressed so Grandly.....and the Men were such Gentlemen...."
They kept silent and continued to swing for a few more minutes...
One says...."OOHHH Sista...Do you remember the Waltzes....?"
The other replied...."OOOO Yes, I most certainly Do...The wonderful way we all just whirled around the Ballroom....I get dizzy just remembering......sigh......"
A few more monents passed....
One says......"Goodness Me Sista.....Do you remember the Minuette......?"
The other says.... "SISTA......I can barely recall the ones I F---ED, Much Less the ones I ET.....

Iggy · « **Reply #10 on:** September 13, 2006, 09:41:19 am »

Dachshund · « **Reply #11 on:** September 13, 2006, 09:45:59 am »

Why can't witches have babies?

.....'cause warlock's have Holloweenies!

chemistry001 · « **Reply #12 on:** September 13, 2006, 10:00:00 am »

2 parrots sat on a perch one says to the other " Can you smell fish too?"

Dachshund · « **Reply #13 on:** September 13, 2006, 10:04:16 am »

.....Iggles, it is good to see you smiling again!

hercules · « **Reply #14 on:** September 13, 2006, 12:13:15 pm »

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
>
>months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day,
>
>when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him,
>
>he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me
>
>all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
>
>me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were
>
>by my side. When we lost the ho! use, you stayed right here. When my
>
>health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"
>
>"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
>
>warmth. "I think you're bad luck, get the f ** k away from me."

hercules · « **Reply #15 on:** September 13, 2006, 12:21:47 pm »

A plane is about to crash. There are 5 passengers on board, but there are only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger says:

"I am Ronaldo, the best football player in the world. The football world needs me, and I cannot die on my fans."
He grabs the first parachute and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, says:

“I am the wife of the former president of the United States; I am the senator of New York and I have a good chance of being president of the United States in the future.“

She grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.
The third passenger, George W. Bush, says:

“I am the president of the United States of America. I have huge responsibilities in the world. Besides, I am the smartest president in the history of my country and can‘t shun the responsibility to my people by dying.“

He grabs a pack and jumps off the plane.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a young school boy:
"I am old. I have lived my life as a good person as a priest should and so I shall leave the last parachute to you; you have the rest of your life ahead of you." To this the little boy says:

“Don‘t fret old man…..

There is a parachute for each of us!

The smartest president of America took my schoolbag....."

CaptCarl · « **Reply #16 on:** September 13, 2006, 08:09:10 pm »

OK here's my two cents' worth

A 98 pound weakling gets sent to prison. As he enters his cell for the first time, he sees a huge man sitting on the lower bunk. The man stands up towering over the little fella. He must be at least 6'8" and weigh in at 300lbs. He looks down at the little guy, and in a deep unfriendly voice says,
" My name's Bubba, and I only got 1 question for you. Are you gonna be the husband, or are you gonna be the wife?"
The little guy thinks about it for a second or two before answering,
" If you don't mind, he says in a scared little voice, " I'd like to be the husband."
The big guy gets a big smile on his face and says to the little guy, as he starts unbuttoning his pants,
" That's great! Now get down on your knees and suck your wife's cock!"

And here's the other one. Watch out for the lightning bolts. Matty the Damned, this ones for you...

God is having a really bad day at the office. He thinks about it, and realizes that he needs a vacation, so he calls his travel agent to get something going. The agent calls back awhile later, and gives God a few different choices. God nixes every idea, for various reasons. The Travel agent is getting annoyed so in a fit of frustration he tells God,

"I have a great idea! Why don't you go on down to earth for awhile? Think about it, you created it, you know where all the nice places to go are, and you haven't been there in awhile. Think about it. it's perfect!"

Gods reply is instant. "Earth? Are you nuts!? Last time I was on Earth, I screwed some Jewish chick, and the natives are still yapping about it!"

Hope these do the trick....

Basquo · « **Reply #17 on:** September 13, 2006, 10:11:23 pm »

What do you call two witches sharing a flat?

Broom-mates!

Iggy · « **Reply #18 on:** September 14, 2006, 09:57:52 am »

ACinKC · « **Reply #19 on:** September 14, 2006, 12:13:21 pm »

www.ebaumsworld.com has some priceless stuff on it! Check the archives for all the jokes.

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #20 on:** September 18, 2006, 04:35:53 am »

Teeheehee! Thanks for these guys & gals!

I'm bumping this thread simply cos: It's good to laugh!

So, BUMPETY BUMPETY BUMP!!!

Melia

frenchpat · « **Reply #21 on:** September 18, 2006, 06:34:24 am »

Two guys are hiking in the rockies when all of a sudden they are confronted by a huge bear. The beast is definitely angry so they start running. The bear is hot on their tails. They manage to put a little distance between themselves and the animal and one of them stops running, drops his backpack, and starts rummaging into it. The other lad panics:

- "What are you doing, he's coming here, we gotta run!!"

The guy takes his heavy boots off.

-" I am gonna put my trainers on."

The bear is closing in rapidly.

- "Come On!! We gotta go!! That's so stupid!!, You can't outrun a bear!!!"

-" No, but I can outrun You!"

Pat

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #22 on:** September 18, 2006, 04:24:46 pm »

Wicked frenchpat! I love that! Hehehe!

david25luvit · « **Reply #23 on:** September 19, 2006, 07:49:27 am »

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blond Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blond opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.

The blond guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blond's wife.

The blond's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

david25luvit · « **Reply #24 on:** September 19, 2006, 08:05:37 am »

Can You Relate?

[attachment deleted by admin]

frenchpat · « **Reply #25 on:** September 19, 2006, 09:10:12 am »

This experienced italian sky diver jumps off the plane, enjoys a few seconds of freefall
then pulls on the lines to open his chute... nothing.
Tries again... nothing.
No problem he thinks, I'll use the backup one.
As the earth is getting closer his secondary parachute starts opening,
only to end up a useless rag as it is completely tangled.
The guy knows he only has a few seconds.
He screams: "Saint Antonio, Saint Antonio, save me!"
All of a sudden a giant hand appears through the clouds from above and grasps his chute, stopping his fall.
A booming voice says:
" Which Saint Antonio?"
"Saint Antonio of Padova of course" says the lucky sky diver
The giant hand opens up, letting the poor fella hurtle towards certain death.
"It's not me."

Pat

bear60 · « **Reply #26 on:** September 19, 2006, 12:43:33 pm »

Bill Clinton jogs every morning past a hooker. Same corner every day. She always approaches him for A DATE: Hey Mister, 50 dollars will get you some hot action!
Bill always responds: " How about 5 dollars!!!?" And is turned down.
One morning Hillary decides to jog with Bill on his early morning exercise.
They are passing by the same hooker at the same corner.
She shouts: "See what 5 dollars gets you!!!!"

allopathicholistic · « **Reply #27 on:** September 19, 2006, 01:01:29 pm »

Quote from: bear60 on September 19, 2006, 12:43:33 pm

She shouts: "See what 5 dollars gets you!!!!"

Oh man - that's vicious

RapidRod · « **Reply #28 on:** September 20, 2006, 10:18:56 pm »

HOW WAS I BORN

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and
since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:
You got Male!!!

Moffie65 · « **Reply #29 on:** September 21, 2006, 09:22:12 am »

Melia,

This is a true story that happened in the Silicon Valley in the middle 1970's.

I had a friend named Gary, who was a professional Florist. He had a contract to do a very large wedding in the Los Angeles area, and on his way home to pack, stopped into the San Jose airport to purchase his tickets for the 40 minute flight to southern California. He always had his black Cocker Spaniel with him and the ticket agent asked if he would be traveling with his dog, to which he responded, "Of course, she goes with me everywhere". The agent quickly reminded him that pets of that size had to be in a pet carrier and would be placed in the luggage compartment.

In silence he left the airport, went home, painted a pool que white, with a red tip. When he arrived at the airport later that evening, he was dressed in his usual White outfit with very pronounced White Bell bottom pants, White platform shoes, and a large white sweater. He was adorned in very large white sunglasses and proceeded to the plane to embark on his southern adventure. He walked up the stairs to the plane with his Black Cocker leading the way, and when he got to the door of the plane, the Hostess welcomed him onboard and asked if the dog was a "Seeing Eye" dog. Gary minced a bit, and said "of course she is". The Hostess said "I thought seeing eye dogs were German Shephards", to which Gary simply minced, "Well, isn't she?"

True story.

In Love, and Laughter.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #30 on:** September 21, 2006, 09:52:58 am »

I wonder if he was able to pull the dagger out of his back... maybe his dog did it

In Love and Admiration

Moffie65 · « **Reply #31 on:** September 21, 2006, 03:53:48 pm »

Thank you Sad Tom for becoming my "Pet Asshole" and spewing a line of shit after each of my posts.

It spares me that chore.

skeebo1969 · « **Reply #32 on:** September 21, 2006, 05:36:59 pm »

[attachment deleted by admin]

Just John · « **Reply #33 on:** September 21, 2006, 07:54:00 pm »

I know this has been running for some time now but every one of them has made me smile too, here's my contribution.

Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "Becky my darling," he whispered. "Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk." He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something that I must confess." "There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky, "everything's all right, go to sleep." "No, no I must die in peace, Becky. I .. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!" "I know my sweet one, I know", whispered Becky,

"now go to sleep and let the poison work".

John.

Just John · « **Reply #34 on:** September 21, 2006, 08:03:50 pm »

Oh and I forgot this one.

A guy is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he asks "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "OMG!" he says "are you that stripogram on my leaving party night that I fu$*k+d on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your friend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my arse?"

"No" she replied, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

Terry · « **Reply #35 on:** September 21, 2006, 09:15:50 pm »

In fond memory of my Ex. The hottest Hillbilly anyone ever met. And he met and slept with everyone he met with.

Sorry about that. My thoughts got away from me.

Third Graders

Three third graders, an Irish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are in the playground at recess. One of them suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.
The Italian kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.
"That's nothing," says the Irish kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Not to be outdone, the Hillbilly kid whips his out. It is by far the biggest.
That night, eating dinner at home, the Hillbilly kid's mother
asks him what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had a math test and read out loud from a new book .. and during recess, my friends and I played 'Let's see who has the largest weenie.
"What kind of game is that, honey?" asks the mother.
"Well, me, Anthony and Patrick each pulled out our weenies and
I had the biggest! The other kids say its because I'm a Hillbilly. Is that true, Mom?"
Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-three."

DancerBoy · « **Reply #36 on:** September 22, 2006, 03:11:13 am »

Quote from: Moffie65 on September 21, 2006, 03:53:48 pm

Thank you Sad Tom for becoming my "Pet Asshole" and spewing a line of shit after each of my posts.

It spares me that chore.

Moffie You don't need Thomas... You spew enough shit of your own...

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Author Topic: REQUEST: Jokes and funny stories please...someone, anyone! (Read 9903 times)