Disclosure

[lucas clay]

Disclosure

When i found out about the HIV, "MY CHOICE" was not to disclose.
Only the wife and the doctors were informed.

A week ago in a general conversation with my son about him being stressed out he looked at me and out it came. " What about the aids" " you have fucking aids"
Both of the kids know and don't want to talk about it. ( they are grown)

The therapist told me to let them bring it up , when they want to talk about it they will.

It should have been "my choice" to disclose.
I would have dealt with this on my "own" and taken it to the grave before i let it fuck my kids up.

I was the one who "screwed up and got this damn " bug"
It was my  " cross to bear"

Just wondering if anyone has been through this, maybe you would be kind enough to share your experience.

                                                  Thanks
                                                                Lucas

[sparks]

im so sorry lucas that sounds bad ive told my mom but my dad still doesnt know ,,, to tell the truth im not sure what about my lifestyle he knows ?? its a bit uncomfortable.....sons always think their dad is going to be there for them when they fall ... maybe hes concerned about that and is strikeing out ....

[100proofBrandy]

I understand you choice in not telling them. I however decided to tell mine when I felt they were old enough. I told asked them if they had heard about hiv and aids when they said yes I asked what they had heard ( they were 10 and 11 at the time) then their father and I sat them down and told them my youngest asked how I got rid of it that was the hardest part was explaining that there was a cure but that I would live a very long life. now its just a part of life they don't run around telling people but they understand things and have had time to adjust. I wanted them to hear it from me. now I didn't tell my oldest because she lived with her dad and his mother and I was worried they wouldn't let me see her so she didn't find out until this year when she came to see me. I told her we went and had a mother daughter day went got our nails done went to star bucks and went to the lake and talked I told her then she was very understanding. I'm so sorry your kids reacted the way they did. the reaction your kids had is natural in a way. they are your kids are hurt that they didn't know. I'm am in no way saying you did wrong it is each parents choice on how if and when if ever they want their children to know. But now that they know when their ready to talk about you need to sit down with them and explain why you didn't tell them. let them know you love them and were doing what you thought was best. be honest with them. remember they are hurt and angry take it slow. I don't know if any of this will help I wish you all the best

[Alain]

Lucas,

Disclosure is such a personal thing, and it is hard to determine when is the right time.

Perhaps your grown up kids are just angry at the way that they found out about your status. I agree with the therapist that they will deal with it on their own time.

I kind of see this whole situation, as a very positive way to bond and make your relationship with your kids a lot better.

Plus it is an opportunity to educate them about this whole AIDS/HIV stuff, because it is a part of life and it can happen also to dad, and it did.

I would try not to be carrying to much guilt on your shoulders, as this will not fuck up the kids as you may think.

It is understandable though, and I think it would have been a shame for you to go to your grave without them knowing.

I wish you well and be strong. Take care, Alain.

 

[Winiroo]

A week ago in a general conversation with my son about him being stressed out he looked at me and out it came. " What about the aids" " you have fucking aids"
Both of the kids know and don't want to talk about it. ( they are grown)

I'm going to guess he is afraid for you and that pisses him off. He might be angry that he had to find out through someone other than you also.
The cats out of the hat now. It wont do any good to speculate how their lives would have been had they not been told about your status.

I told my kid when he was 5 years old. We where spending a lot of time in hospitals after the birth of his little brother and I felt him knowing would be better than lying to him. Kids catch on to things.
I know yours are grown. Hell mine is almost 19 now.

My only suggestion is to try and open a dialog with them or at the very least let them know you are there for them that you have no intention of dying anytime soon and will try to answer any questions they have. And if they do come to you talk to them like an adult.

[David_CA]

I'm sorry this is upsetting you.  I felt similarly about disclosing to my family.  I always said I'd disclose... about being gay, being HIV+, whatever... when 'the time is right'.  For me, the time was right when I was in the hospital very sick from PCP pneumonia.  Keeping 'my secret' to myself was hard on me.  I felt somewhat ashamed and didn't want my parents to stress about me.  I felt like I would likely die before my parents... something that's just not supposed to happen.  Prior to this, I asked a few very close friends that have older children if they'd want to know if their kids were HIV+.  Every one said yes.  Every one also said that they'd be very hurt if their children didn't feel comfortable enough to disclose to them.  Your kids will come around to accept this. 

A few months ago, I was telling my mom how I felt like a screw-up for allowing this to happen.  She said it was just a mistake, a lapse in judgement, that it didn't reflect on me as a person.  The same is true for you (and all of us).  One of the main functions of family should be for support.  I'm pretty sure that your kids will surprise you by accepting this much better than you think they will. 

A few years ago, I was sorta 'outted' to my dad by his wife for being gay.  It turned out that I was the one that had problems with him knowing, not him.  It's not been an issue at all.  You know how they say 'the truth will set you free'?  In my case, with my family, this has been true.  I honestly think the same will be true for you.

David

[Iggy]

Lucas,

I agree that it should have been your choice.  I appreciate why you are upset as a result.

That said, your son found out and has now made it his choice to bring it out in the open.  I think you got an opportunity here to take control of the situation again and sit him down and talk to him about everything.

It is not the same choice as before, but there is one to be made here.

All my best wishes for you in this difficult time.

[BT65]

I'm sorry this is upsetting you.  I felt similarly about disclosing to my family.  I always said I'd disclose... about being gay, being HIV+, whatever... when 'the time is right'.  For me, the time was right when I was in the hospital very sick from PCP pneumonia. 

And that's a very unfortunate way for family members to find out.

[David_CA]

And that's a very unfortunate way for family members to find out.

Exactly.  I wanted to tell 'em after I started meds and had gotten better numbers, but I got sick before I had the chance.  That's why I think people should, if possible, disclose to those close to them before the 'bottom falls out'. 

[lucas clay]

Lucas,

I agree that it should have been your choice.  I appreciate why you are upset as a result.

That said, your son found out and has now made it his choice to bring it out in the open.  I think you got an opportunity here to take control of the situation again and sit him down and talk to him about everything.

It is not the same choice as before, but there is one to be made here.

All my best wishes for you in this difficult time.

I told him i was alright, and on meds and doing good.
He told me he could not talk about it right now, told me he had to go.
The thing that kicked my butt, was when he said if he was financially able he would be out of here!

I did insist that he put my therapist phone number in his wallet in case he had any questions he could call him.
He told me don't want it don't need it. I told him it was OK with the therapist and it was better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
The therapist told me to give him time and he will come to me when he is ready.
The other child lives away from home and when i told her we should talk over dinner she told me " i think i know what you are going to say and i don't want to hear it"

I am thinking of taping a note on the bedroom door, and mailing a letter just telling them to go to the lessions on this web site. where they can get any information that they need.
Knowledge is power.

                                                     Thank you all
                                                                          Lucas

[sharkdiver]

I always hated when my parents wrote me a letter to tell me something  serious, it really stirred up a lot of resentment and a lot of good conversations with my counselor.

Sounds like they are doing their own grieving about the subject and it should be up to them when they are good and ready to talk about it.

just my thoughts,
Sharkie

[bocker3]

I told my adult daughter a year ago.  She was shocked.  After a couple of minutes she asked me if Sid, my partner, was "OK".  I told her that he was negative.  She said, "Wow, I didn't know you could have it for that long and not know it" Now it would have been much easier to allow her to think that I got into my relationship 18 yrs ago already infected, but I couldn't let her have any misinformation about this virus, so I said, "No - I last tested negative in 2001."  I could pretty much see the lightbulb go off over her head and her eyes opened quite wide.  I almost could feel myself falling off a pedestal that she had me on.  Her next words struck me hard -- she said that she wasn't angry and believed me when I told her that I was doing fine and had every intention of remaining so, but she said that she was "kinda disappointed with my behavior".  I told her that I was too.  She hasn't wanted to talk much about it since -- except to ask how I'm doing.  Our relationship seems the same, but I do believe that she now sees me as the infallible human being and not the all-knowing "perfect" Dad.  It's probably good for her to know I'm not perfect (she is 28 with her 4th child due in a couple of weeks), but I will never forget the look in her eyes that night.
So, Lucas -- I'm not sure the of the circumstances of your infection (and don't need to be), but they may really just need some time to come to grips with seeing you through different eyes right now.  It may have very little to do with your HIV, per se -- but everything to do with seeing you off the pedestal that kids often put their parents on.

Hugs,
mike

[Iggy]

Lucas,

I think you can't do much more then what you have already done.  Your son and daughter are going to deal with it on their terms though.

I'm truly sorry that you are going through such a difficult time and hope your children can come to terms.

I told him i was alright, and on meds and doing good.
He told me he could not talk about it right now, told me he had to go.
The thing that kicked my butt, was when he said if he was financially able he would be out of here!

I did insist that he put my therapist phone number in his wallet in case he had any questions he could call him.
He told me don't want it don't need it. I told him it was OK with the therapist and it was better to have it and not need it, then to need it and not have it.
The therapist told me to give him time and he will come to me when he is ready.
The other child lives away from home and when i told her we should talk over dinner she told me " i think i know what you are going to say and i don't want to hear it"

I am thinking of taping a note on the bedroom door, and mailing a letter just telling them to go to the lessions on this web site. where they can get any information that they need.
Knowledge is power.

                                                     Thank you all
                                                                          Lucas

[Jeff64]

I have chosen to keep it pretty much to myself.
I told my husband (duh) and my father.
I chose to not let my mom in on it because she has her own health issues.

I suppose if I ever get really sick, I will tell anyone who will listen.

The disease is not who I am, but something I have. It makes no sense to disclose for me.

Jeff