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Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 02:27:34 am

Title: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 02:27:34 am

I don't know what to do any more.  Christmas is my favorite time of the year, at least it was.  This year was the worst Christmas in my life.  I did not have any money to get gifts this year for my partner or family.   I had to ask my parents to get gifts for my Nieces and Nephew.  I have not payed my Dec. house payment.  All my credit cards have been frozen.  My car payment is late and about to be 2mo. behind.  My business is about to closed.  And to top everything, I woke up Christmas Eve and all the drains were backed up.  I worked all day Thurs., Fri., and Sat. trying to get them working to no avail.  I'm litterally having to go out in the back yard.  I don't have any money to pay a plumber to even look see what is blocked.  My partner has paid for my meds this month. 

I can no longer pay my own living expenses.  Everything I makes goes to pay for meds, test, and docs.  I keep going deeper and deeper into debt and I don't see it ever getting better.  I would rather die instead of continuing on this path.  I can't go through another Christmas like this year.  It hurts too much. 

I asked my partner not to get me anything because I could not get him anything.  He went ahead and got me gifts and insisted I open them.  I finally opened them to make him happy, but the whole time I just wanted to die.  Going to my parents house was worse.  I sat there trying to smile and look happy and all I could think about was what a .38 slug would feel like going through my head.  It would be over before I even felt a thing.  The pain in my chest would be gone.  The pressures that are killing me would be gone.  I go to bed at night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. 

I have not been able to pull the trigger yet, but if I did not wake up in the morning, it would be a relief.  The hurt and the pain would be gone.  The shame and guilt would be gone.  I want to reach inside my chest and rip my heart out, it hurts so bad.  I feel like such a failure.  I have become a burden to my partner and family.  Its not fair to them and I can't let them pay for my mistakes. 

If I'm lucky, I won't wake in the morning.  Then everyone can move on with their lives and I can fade away into the back of their minds as a distant memory. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: darkerpozz on December 29, 2009, 04:48:10 am

I am crying for you knowing the overwhelming feeling, but if you can take a breath and hope for better it will come and I am not saying for the things as they were but just better than the day before because I can't believe I am here writing this today but I made it and somehow it is slowly getting more bearable not like what it was just livable.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on December 29, 2009, 05:52:15 am

Ga, I urge you to get help ASAP.  Go to an ER and explain how you're feeling, or at least get in touch with the closest ASO (Aids Service Organization) to see what kind of help you may be qualified for, like Ryan White, or ADAP to help with your meds.  That would help with one problem.  No one on here can give you any magical advice to make everything alright, but suicide shouldn't be an option.  I'm not telling you you shouldn't feel the way you do, because I've been there a few times (and tried to off myself, but it never worked).  I did, however, end up on a vent to help me breathe a couple times, which wasn't any fun at all.  And the people in my life were very, very hurt.  Believe me, you're not a burden to your family or your partner.  I'm sure if they felt like that, they would let you know.  People who help are never forced to help, they're doing it because they love you.  And also, the ASO should know about possible programs that may help with your financial situation.  Maybe you could start making a priority list, of what's most important, and try to figure out, with someone who's trained in this sort of thing, how to get things accomplished that would help you (house payment, meds, car etc.). 

There are always options, but there won't be any if you're not around.  If you can't think about staying alive for yourself, then until you can, do it for the people in your life who love you.  Let them love you until you can love yourself.  And please get help.  Suicide, if accomplished, is irreversible, and tragic.  Please get some help.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on December 29, 2009, 07:01:27 am

   Dude, I agree with Betty.  You need to talk to someone immediately.  I went through absolute hell after I was diagnosed and damn near lost the house on top of all this....  late night anxious calls to the CDC were the norm for me because I had absolutely no one to talk to....

  And Family?  Let me tell you, you are one up on me in that category.  You think you're a burden?  While I agree they may worry about you, I doubt very seriously they are looking at this in the same manner as you are.  They are trying to support you the best way they know how and sometimes people think letting you tear some paper off a box (presents) will make you feel better...  just go with the flow.  There will be plenty of Holidays in the future to deal with.

   You are a lucky one.... and I know you don't see it, but you are.  You have a wonderful partner who takes the time to try and make you feel better and additionally you have family who are there for you.  Not many people can attest to that, myself included......

   I know in all this darkness it's hard to see what matters most and what blessings (no i am not religious) we do have.  I implore you to follow BT65's advice and get to your local ASO or as suggested and talk to someone regarding these feelings you have.  All this stuff going on has more than likely spiraled you into a depression that can be difficult to pull out of on your own.

   Like I said before, it seems you have a great support system and you should not feel guilty for having it... consider yourself fortunate and at the same time be good to yourself.

   Also have you tried calling your mortgage company?  Trust right now the last thing they want to do is foreclose on another home.  I think at my worst I was almost 6 months behind in my mortgage... Mind you this was Bank of America I was dealing with....  during this time I had to look very hard to find a positive in all this, about the only blessing I could find was the fact I had two boxes of Rahmen Noodles in the cupboard, yes it was that bad....

   Talk to someone bro and go easy on yourself.... at least give yourself an opportunity to pull out of this. Trust me it can be done!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on December 29, 2009, 08:07:37 am

GA, we're listening to you. You are very articulate about what you are struggling with.  I'm just going to add to others who have urged you to go to an ER if you are feeling on the verge of acting on your feelings.

You have a lot of company in the situation you have described. Especially at this time of year, it seems to make overwhelming problems feel even more so. And as hopeless as things may seem now, you can get through this. Sometimes I think that any sensible person is bound to feel like ending it all sometimes. This life can be very hard at times. And personally there is something especially despair-making about when basics like plumbing break down.

And yet, there are obviously people who care about you in your life including your partner, your family and your friends. However much you may doubt it at this moment, they really need you to stick around.

Get help if you need it at ER. Or from any ASO in your area that may offer counseling and support. 

Keep us posted on how it's going.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Boo Radley on December 29, 2009, 08:34:34 am

Quote from: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 02:27:34 am

... I go to bed at night hoping I wont wake up in the morning. 

I have not been able to pull the trigger yet, but if I did not wake up in the morning, it would be a relief.  The hurt and the pain would be gone.  The shame and guilt would be gone.  I want to reach inside my chest and rip my heart out, it hurts so bad.  I feel like such a failure.  I have become a burden to my partner and family.  Its not fair to them and I can't let them pay for my mistakes. 

If I'm lucky, I won't wake in the morning.  Then everyone can move on with their lives and I can fade away into the back of their minds as a distant memory. 
...

ga, ga, ga --  please try to take a few steps back and re-evaluate!!

Your sentiments quoted above are IDENTICAL to those of most people living with severe clinical depression.  Regardless of the reasons, irrespective of your feelings of failure and placing burdens on loved ones, shit, (excuse my French, por favor) even the backed up plumbing (and I know what that's like firsthand, believe me) are not sufficient to justify ending your life.   PLEASE FIND A MENTAL HEALTH COUNSELOR OR EVEN A GOOD FRIEND YOU TRUST TO TALK TO ASAP.  I can't minimize your current turmoil but want to tell you it's temporary.
 
Think about how your lover and family would feel if you took the "easy way" out.  Do you truly believe they'd prefer presents other than your presence?  Can you imagine their agony if you killed yourself?   If you own a gun please remove it from your home or at least remove all the bullets to a safe location YOU don't have easy access to.  PLEASE!!!  You have so many reasons to go on but presently they're obscured by transient problems -- loss of cars and houses and even the possible collapse your own business don't come close to the loss your family (including your lover) would experience were you to end your life.  Do you have any comprehension of what they would feel?  They love you and nothing that has happened will change that.  Your suicide would cause so much pain and agony.   

I'm not offering "think happy thoughts" or any of that BS.  Right now your life is almost unbearable but please believe it will get better.  Know it will get better.  It will.

I know what it's like to crave death over the pain but I'm still here.  My best friend recently had to re-hide her gun after I found it while scouring her office for miscellaneous documents.  I didn't ask -- simply told Charlotte I'd come across it and it was gone the next day.   She knows in a few minutes of sadness I'd end my life so obliges me in this small way.   Don't allow your sadness, no matter how extreme, to make you destroy your life and those of people you love and who love you.

Please think about what others here have written and how your loved ones have shown what you mean to them.  Go on living even if you're doing it for them right now. 

If you ever want to talk I'll be happy to listen (504-450-6248) or just write a PM and I'll respond.  (Yes, fellow forumites, I know the risks of publicly posting my phone number -- it changes so often most of my blood relatives don't know what it is...)

GA, get help now!!  Seeking assistance isn't admission of weakness or failure, it's a sign of strength. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: buffaloboy on December 29, 2009, 10:28:23 am

Although there is almost certainly an underlying depression caused by the HIV diagnosis which many people go through, this latest slump seems to be triggered by financial issues. You don't mention which country you live in, but is there not any sort of program whereby you can receive your healthcare for free, which is often the case for people living with HIV.

When I read heart-breaking stories like this, I just thank God that I live in a country where there is a publicly funded health service and no one need go broke simply trying to stay alive.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on December 29, 2009, 10:43:42 am

The holidays are really hard on people dealing with depression and hardships . I say this GA because I have been there where you are now . Please try and remember that as the Holidays are behind us it will be one less thing to worry over for now .

I cant make it all better for you but I want you to know there are people here who care and that's  a powerful thing . Please take it one day at a time and let us know how you are doing .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: mecch on December 29, 2009, 11:55:00 am

A bluesy xmas indeed!  Is your partner solvent and do you live together?  Do you pool your money?  It seems odd that you could be so poor and people know it but your partner would buy you gifts if you could actually use the money to keep your car going, for instance.  Maybe there is a pow-wow in the future - with your partner and your family, to see if everyone might look at the hard facts - you are not feeling secure because of money, basically -- and pitch in with some plan to get you back to security.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on December 29, 2009, 01:51:50 pm

Ga, I've seen you on here a couple times, but no reply from you.  How are you? 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 04:37:01 pm

Thanks everyone for your support.  To answer a few of your questions,  I live in the South Georgia.  My partner and I have never "pooled" our monies into one checking account, but we have always split the normal monthly expenses such as Mortgage, Utilities, Phone, etc.  I have always been the one to make sure we had money put back for emergencies. 

I am more responsible when it comes to money management and I have helped him keep a better credit score than he had when we met.  I am the one that freaks out when creditors call wanting payment.  Don't get me wrong, he is a very responsible person but he has budgetting issues.  In the past if he needed money to make it to the end of the month, he always knew he could come to me and I would give him the money.  Now I don't have the money to give him.  He paid for my meds this month.  He gave me money from a loan he took out to buy Christmas for his family.  It kills me to take money from him knowing he needs it.  I refuse, and he insist.  I know he thought giving me presents would bring a little cheer into my life, but it hurt so much to open the gifts.  I can't go though another Christmas like this one.  I'd rather die.

I know I have it better than some and my heart goes out to them.  Yes, I have the support of my partner and parents, but I have always been a self-sufficient person.  Having to ask my parents for financial assistance has destroyed my pride.  I've always payed my way in life since I was 18, and hurts so much to have to ask for help. 

If the rest of my life is working to pay medical expenses, I'd rather end it now.  I feel guilty going to a doctor or the hospital knowing I will not be able to pay my deductables.  I have collectors calling all day, every day at home and work.  I can't take it any more. 

I have borrowed close to $15,000 from my parents the past 2 years.  I can't keep burdening them with the expenses because I got this disease.  Its not fair to them.  If I die, they could get some of it back from my estate.  Not like its a lot or worth fighting over, But my partner would be able to get start over.

I have seen a therapist in the past, but I did not feel like it was making any difference.  I don't have the money to pay a therapist anyway.  Over the past 3 years I have lost all of my savings and am so deep in debt, I'll never be able to pay it all back.  So why continue?  This disease has robbed of everything from money to my dignity.  I have not had a vacation since my diagnosis.  I can't even afford to go to family reunions. 

On top of all its, my parents want me to either tell my brothers and sisters about my status or alllow them to tell them.  Neither of which, am I ready to deal with right now.  I find myself starting to cry without warning lately.  I hate the way I feel and I just want it to all go away by any means necessary.

 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: mecch on December 29, 2009, 06:21:17 pm

Wow man, its so definitely about money. There have got to be solutions other than suicide. Your parents probably want to tell your siblings because you so clearly need help. That's what families are for. You shouldn't feel guilty because you got HIV.  Would you feel this way if you had cancer?  You need to get some social workers helping you to figure out a liveable solution.  Maybe you should be pure and simply bankrupt, but with your bf to rely on somehow.  There have to be some experts who could advise you a way out.
How is your health, otherwise?

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: jm1953 on December 29, 2009, 07:17:54 pm

I can't think of anything more to say that hasn't already been said.  There is no denying you are going through a rough time.  But you have a partner, and it sounds like a loving family.  Many of us don't have either.  Those are both blessings. 

I think there are many more blessings waiting for you in this life too.  Sounds like you are very overwhelmed and being very hard on yourself.  I know what that feels like.  But getting a good counselor or even someone through your ASO who can help you work through this might be a good idea instead of going it alone.

You reached out to the forum.  Now perhaps you can reach out a little further for some professional guidance.

My prayers are with you,

Jeff

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on December 29, 2009, 08:25:54 pm

I've been reading your posts, and having already been reduced to utter poverty by having AIDS, I can surely understand your plight. AIDS has already stolen 3 houses and 2 cars from me, and I spent some sub-zero time in Ohio before I could get agencies to help me get the heat back on.

Others can probably advise you on how to get counseling for free (look for the nearest ASO is one suggestion) and financial assistance (go apply for welfare and food stamps is another suggestion); but I wanted to comment on a different issue:

Quote from: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 04:37:01 pm

Its not fair to them.  If I die, they could get some of it back from my estate.  Not like its a lot or worth fighting over, But my partner would be able to get start over.

You just don't understand how incorrectly you are perceiving your situation.

Twice now, with two separate long-term partners, I been pushed far below the federal poverty line as they sank into illness before finally passing again. However I would incur any amount of debt needed if I could only have them back alive. Living on disability as I have for nearly a decade, my partners and I struggled constantly with the debts; but that was nothing compared to their absence in my life. If I could, I'd incur a million dollar debt (or more!) and struggle to pay that back if only I could have either of them back - even if I could only have one of them back and only for a day.

Please think for a moment about what you wrote. How would it be "more fair" to your partner and family if you were dead? How would it be fair for them to suffer with the loss of you in their lives? In crasser terms, what's fair about leaving them the unexpected financial burden of your funeral? How is your partner supposed to continue paying the housing and utility costs if you're not there to ever contribute again?

Just how is your partner to supposed to "start over" if you're dead? Please tell me, cause I really need to know the answer to that one. My second long-term partner really did die just a little less than two yrs ago from AIDS. "Getting over" his death is nearly impossible; much less "starting over". Debt like you're talking about, is something that you and your partner can both struggle to climb out of by working and by getting assistance, all the while being together and loving each other. Losing temporary control over your life is quite difficult; but the debt you describe is nothing compared to eternal loneliness and depression in my life without my partner. If you think you're partner will somehow be better off without you, you're seriously mistaken. Instead of better off, you'll leave your partner wondering what he did wrong, how he could have done more to help you, and why you didn't love him enough to leave him like that. I wonder those things with two lost partners and they didn't even have a choice about leaving me because of the AIDS.

I'm sorry if I'm sounding harsh, because I really am worried about you. But killing yourself to "make it all go away by any means necessary" is the most selfish thing you could ever do. Plenty of people around these forums have been were you are, myself included. For example, I lost my pet store business in the early 90s as the major corps of pets smart, pet supplies plus, etc moved into town and wiped out all the small pet stores. And that happened right as my partner was getting sick and about to die of AIDS too. So I've actually been in a position worse than yours; but 17 yrs later I'm still alive and hanging in there. Plenty of us have made the struggle and gotten on with our lives. In those 17 years that I managed to get through after losing my business, my partner, my money, my dignity and very nearly my life (from PCP), I've struggled and moved on - why I even fell in love again (Woohoo!) and started another business.

Obviously, you've fallen into some hard times, and you're "allowed" to be worried, depressed, and concerned. Don't think that I'm ignoring that you are definitely having problems. Problems can be handled and things can be done to improve even the worst situations. But to think that your death is somehow going to benefit anyone, much less your partner, well, that's not true, and you need to look for another solution. You really need to re-examine your whole situation, preferably with outside help that can give you an honest opinion about other alternatives. Please don't do anything rash, until you've contacted an ASO, a suicide hot line, your local human services office. There are plenty of other options to choose besides the choice that would leave your partner alone and bereft.

As I frequently opine, there's only one problem that can't be solved and that's death. Anything else can be solved, or at least made better; but it's always going to take hard work and patience. You may have to have the patience of Job, and you may have to work your ass off; but YOU can make things better.

My thoughts and prayers are with you!
Best wishes to you as you start off 2010 getting things back together in your life!
Michael

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: buffaloboy on December 30, 2009, 06:42:36 am

Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on December 30, 2009, 08:04:32 am

Quote from: buffaloboy on December 30, 2009, 06:42:36 am

Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

So what do you suggest his family do?  I mean so they won't seem so selfish in trying to keep him around... perhaps wrap a 38 special in some nice Santa Claus wrap and tell him to use the den?  Buffoonboy, usually when someone speaks of suicide it is a cry for help....you're not helping.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on December 30, 2009, 11:07:53 am

Quote from: buffaloboy on December 30, 2009, 06:42:36 am

but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.'

did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)

IF ga1964 would do something that drastic, he would not be helping his partner, as he was suggesting that his suicide would do, but leaving a world of mess for his partner to clean up after him (and I'm talking about financial and day-to-day stuff, not a literal mess hopefully). I pointed out that leaving his partner to figure out how to pay the bills on his own would be a selfish act not a helpful act. Trust me, I know. My partner died and it hasn't been very "helpful" for my situation - in fact quite the opposite.

IF you had even bothered to read ga1964's post, you would have read that he's having a lot of tough issues right now, and is looking for some helpful way to fix things. Things are so tough, and the future is so cloudy for ga1964, that he seems to think that somehow suicide would be a helpful way to fix everyone's problems, not just his own. But while suicide will stop him from dealing from his problems, it sure isn't a way to fix everyone else's problems. His death would only increase their problems, and I don't think that's is what he really wants to have happen.

Skeebo had it right, Buffoonboy, you aren't helping.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on December 30, 2009, 12:40:23 pm

Quote from: buffaloboy on December 30, 2009, 06:42:36 am

Just to be clear, I'm not encouraging anyone to kill themselves, but it really annoys me when people say that 'suicide is selfish.' It's a human being's right to die whenever they want  and, if anything, it's 'selfish' of anyone, inclucing loved ones, to try and deny that.

Selfish to try to stop someone from killing themselves?  How about responsible, and loving?  Geesh. ::)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Boo Radley on December 30, 2009, 01:07:26 pm

May I respectfully suggest the OT discussion take it to a new thread?  This thread is about one person and the focus should stay there.  Thanks.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: buffaloboy on December 30, 2009, 01:56:01 pm

Quote from: leatherman on December 30, 2009, 11:07:53 am

did u even read what I posted, or was it "too long" for you to bother with? ::)

Yes, I did read your entire post, and my comment still stands.

And referring to me as 'buffoonboy', just because you disagree with my opinion, is both childish and inflammatory. We will never all agree on the various issues that are raised in these forums - that's the nature of discussion - but one would hope people can feel free to post their views without fear of being mocked, or name-calling.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on December 31, 2009, 01:29:32 am

Thank you all for the love you are sending me.  It is appreciated. I have read everyones post and have taken a lot of it to heart.  I am trying to see a bright spot, but feel lost in an abyss of darkness.  I have lost the energy to fight.  I get so tired at times that I don't want to crawl out of bed.  I wish this was just a nightmare that I could wake up from and my life would be back to the way it use to be.  I know that it will never happen and this nightmare is now what I must call life.  I don't know if I can keep my sanity in this mess of a life that I have created.

I use to see a future of growing old with my partner and being able to enjoy new adventures in our "Golden Years".  All that seems to be an unattainable fantasy now.  With all the expenses that have come with "maintaining" this disease, all I see is a future of working my ass off just to give it to doctors and drug companies.  I threw away a good life and now I have this life that I don't want to have to suffer through.  I would like to be able to see some sort of future that I could be happy again, right now I can't. 

I appreciate everybodys thoughts weather they seem pos. or neg.  We all have different opinions and see things from different perspectives.  Buffaloboy's post has its validity.  I do believe that everyone should have the right to say when they want to throw in the towel.  I have always said that if the only way for me to stay "Alive" meant being attached to a machine in a bed for the rest of my life, unplug the machine and let me go.  I don't want to run up a huge debt that I will not be able to pay back.  If I'm going to be paying for someones BMW, Benz, etc., I want it to be mine not some doctor's.

Once again, Thanks to everyone that has taken time to leave your thoughts.     

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on December 31, 2009, 05:45:03 am

Ga, because right now it seems like an "abyss of darkness," that doesn't mean that's the way it's going to be forever.  The situation you're in right now, and I know you can't see this, is temporary.  If you would only get ahold of someone at your ASO, I think they would be able to help you come up with some solutions.  The possibilitiy of you growing old with your partner is very good.  Of course, it's up to you whether or not this happens, but I know it can.  You don't have to think of the future as being "forever."   Take things only at one day right now.  Just make small goals for the day, and start from there.   Or, just take things an hour at a time.  Those hours will grow into days, days into weeks etc. 

I don't blame you for not wanting to pay for someone else's luxury car.  Again, I urge you to talk to someone who can help you sort through everything.  To try to do it on your own is overwhelming, especially when you can only see a very bleak future.  You need to talk to a neutral party, someone who's not in a bad spot, and has the capacity to help you.  Please don't try to do it on your own.

About the "wanting to throw in the towel" thing... in the situation you described, yes, it would be very valid to not want to live the rest of your life on a machine, with no possibility of recovery.  But, if there's the possiblity of living a long life, with temporary problems, then no, I don't think that's the right time to make the decision to end one's life.  It's not fair to the family, or friends, and not to the individual who's contemplating ending his (or her) life.  I've been in those dark spots, not thinking things would get better.  And I cannot tell you the hell I put people through trying to end my life.  I wasn't seeing things clearly, and I didn't reach out.  Life isn't 100% peaches and cream, but things do pass.  You need to hang in, come hell or high water, and fight for what you want.  You can do it.
  Luv,
Betty

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 03, 2010, 11:34:20 pm

Sorry I have been on in a couple of days.  I have been having trouble sleeping lately.  Twice I was up till 4am. so the other night I took something to help me sleep and I was out for about 14hrs, then it took all I could to get out of bed and face the day.  My plumbing problem still has not been fixed, so I have not had a shower in 2 days. 

I know they say, God will not put more on you than you can handle, but I need him to back off right now.  I'm wearing thin and I need some peace or I don't know what I will do.  I am going to call my ASO tomorrow and see if she can find some assistance for me.  I will post what I find out as soon as I hear something. 

Thank you for all the advice and love.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: darkerpozz on January 05, 2010, 01:41:02 pm

ga1964,
I too wish for better days and we have to have faith they will come. I too have been so depressed that I miss a shower or two but I figure I am in my room, meaning don't sweat the small stuff( it really does help) cause in the grand scheme of things it's all small stuff that we didn't think, didn't want,but now that we have to we deal as best we can. Your best is all anyone can expect from you and however  it ends up hold your head high,back straight and walk proud into whatever future you can make.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on January 05, 2010, 08:19:06 pm

Ga, I just want to say that you need to keep bothering the ASO until they do help you.  I'm not saying you won't have a good experience the first time-but if you're not satisfied, don't give up. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 07, 2010, 12:10:32 pm

I met with my case worker yesterday and she was very kind and supportive.  She is trying to get me some assistance to help with my bills.  She gave me some gift cards for food and gas till they can get the assistance started.  I will have to get records to prove how bad things have gotten financially to get me qualified.  Hopefully I will be able to qualify.  I will keep posting as things move along. 

Once again,  Thanks to all for your compassion and willingness to help me see through the darkness and giving me the strength to hold on till I can see a light hope.  All of your thoughts and prayers have helped more than I can express. 

Thank you all.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on January 07, 2010, 12:42:25 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on January 07, 2010, 12:10:32 pm

She gave me some gift cards for food and gas till they can get the assistance started.

I'm so glad to hear that you took a pro-active step and got some results that helped. I've still been thinking about you and sending "good vibes" you're way. Now, don't get too discouraged if things don't move along fast, because I think sometimes all these services are just designed to go as slow as possible to scare you or wear you down. Hopefully when some of this financial pressure is relieved, you'll be able to take some time and talk with a counselor about your depression - and confide in your partner about how low you were so he can be there to help you more in your tough times.

I'm hoping that some more good help is on the way to you soon. Keep us informed! There are plenty of people here who have applied for all sorts of assistance and might have even more venues and options for you. It's always an option to tell us about where you live and maybe there's someone here from that area that'll know some specifics for you ;)

hugs,
mikie

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on January 07, 2010, 12:54:55 pm

Thanks for the update Ga . I am so happy you had the courage to share your current situation with us . It is a reminder to me to be thankful for each day I am given and not take good times for granted along with bad . 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on January 07, 2010, 03:23:04 pm

Ga, that's great news!  Just keep at it.  Sometimes the caseworkers get so bogged down, they "forget" what exactly they need to do.  You just remind your caseworker, and keep going forward.  :-*

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on January 08, 2010, 08:36:58 am

GA, it's very good to read that you found a responsive person at the ASO. Fingers crossed that you get the help you need and deserve.

I know you find it very objectionable to be accepting help from your loved ones. But you know, sometimes it is a gift to them to be of service to you as someone they love and are glad to have in their lives. Ebb and flow in this life. Giving and receiving. Receiving and giving. Ebb and flow.

Anyway, I'm glad there are signs you maybe getting help.

Cheers. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 08, 2010, 01:00:27 pm

Thanks of all the caring and support.  I will be going back to follow up on some of the programs they are trying to get me into on Monday.  Wish me luck that it will go smoothly.  I will keep posting as things progress.  I have been feeling a little better thanks to all that have responded.  I will never be able to express how much it has helped me.  God bless you all.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: jm1953 on January 10, 2010, 06:19:28 am

Good for you!!!!!!  Keep up the good work, and keep us up to date here on the forum with your progress. 

I'm glad the forum helped you in going out and getting some help. 

Good luck!!!!!

JM

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on January 18, 2010, 09:23:01 am

GA, just checking in to see how things are going.

How's the sleep thing going? Not sleeping enough can definitely put a darker cloud on things.

Best to you.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: darkerpozz on January 19, 2010, 12:24:27 am

Ga,
Very good news and your good news gives hope for us all. You have the strength to push through hard times. GREAT!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: TabooPrincess on January 26, 2010, 06:19:42 am

I'm going through a similar situation with money and things breaking etc - and I've got a baby to think of now too.  I found myself laughing hysterically the other day and asking the universe how much more shit it wanted to throw at me, then I got angry and shouted 'COME ON THEN, BRING IT ON!!!' and somehow it helped..

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 27, 2010, 02:41:22 pm

Thanks to all for helping me get through the holidays. 

Just when I started feeling like things were getting better, the other shoe has dropped.  I got a call from the ADAP Rep. in Atl. yesterday telling me that they did not receive my requallifing package from my new caseworker yet and they have not sent a check to pay my insurance premium for this quarter.  My insurance ran out on Jan. 20th and I can't get my meds now.  Of course, the call came in after 5:00pm., so I had to wait till this morning to call my caseworker.  I called my caseworker and informed her.  I'm still waiting on her call back to get this straightened out.

I called my insurance company to let them know what was going on (like they really give a damn).  They told me they could not do anything until they received my premium and if they did not get it by Feb. 15th, I would be dropped.  I explained to them that ADAP would sent them the premium as soon as they got the paper work together.  All the insurance rep. said, was to get it in before Feb. 20th.  Now I'm freaking out, that not only, can I not get my meds for this month, but I might lose my insurance if this paper work does not get turned in in time.  Every since my diagnosis, they have been trying to find a way to terminate my policy.  I don't know what to do.

I get so tired of people that can't seem to do there jobs properly.  I know that my caseworker is new in this office, but I would think that my last case worker would have gotten her up to speed on everything.  My old caseworker still works in the same office, Just in a different department, so I can't understand why they can't work together until this new caseworker can learn all the things that have to be done to keep me qualified with ADAP, so they can keep my insurance up to date.  Every quarter I have to go through hoops just to get my insurance to cover the expenses they are supposed to, even when they get my premium on time.  I get so sick and tired of the hassles.  My insurance company creates so much stress for me, I begin to wonder if its all worth it. 

My ID tells me to try and not get stressed out, because it can have an bad impact on my health, but I can't help getting stressed out when I have to fight hell and high water with my insurance company every quarter.  It's just one more reason to think it would be better to just put and end to it all. I hate the way I get treated by my insurance company so much, I would like to go to their main office with a gun and mow them all down.  All they fucking care about is getting my premium.  I wish they could be as concerned about doing there part as much as they care about getting their money.  I know its not just them, but it is the Insurance racket itself.  Why the government does not force insurance companies to uphold to the promises that are made by their agents is beyond me, other than the fact that our government represents big corporate, instead of representing the people, like it is supposed to be.

I believe that "Health Reform" should start with making these insurance companies to uphold to the promises that they tell you when selling you a policy and not letting them back track after they get your money.  Of course, I know that the government will not do anything because the insurance companies have big lobby groups to protect them and keep the government on their side, so once again, the people get fucked and our government could not give two shits about it.

Sorry for the foul language, but I get hotter the more I think about it.  Why is it too much to ask that our government protect the people instead of the insurance companies?  It makes me want to set up a date with my .38.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on January 27, 2010, 03:13:06 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on January 27, 2010, 02:41:22 pm

I got a call from the ADAP Rep. in Atl. yesterday telling me that they did not receive my requallifing package from my new caseworker yet and they have not sent a check to pay my insurance premium for this quarter.  My insurance ran out on Jan. 20th and I can't get my meds now.  Of course, the call came in after 5:00pm., so I had to wait till this morning to call my caseworker.  I called my caseworker and informed her.  I'm still waiting on her call back to get this straightened out.

sorry to hear about this new turn of events. Although based upon some of my own situations, instead of turning to a gun, my advice is that you're going to have to become more pro-active in your case. Unfortunately good case workers are just about nonexistent. (sorry to any case workers out there; but that is how it seems from this end of the situation) You will find yourself in situations like this again and again as you deal with the American health care system, social services and insurance agencies.

In moving to SC from OH, it took 15 (!!!) phone calls over three months to get OH to discontinue my medicaid status so that SC could pick it up. It was only because I had stashed away a 3 month supply of meds that I did not go that 3 months without meds. and this is after "being in the system" for a decade. You'll just have to learn to follow up, follow up, and follow up with pestering phone calls each time this sort of thing needs to be handled. It took 6 years before my OH medicaid worker quit xeroxing my birth certificate every time I had an appt. Many times these case workers will tell you that it's the policies they have to go by or that they are burdened by a huge workload. I don't know. I just know that I can be johnny-on-the-spot with all the required paperwork and still have issues - until I micro-manage the situation, as well I should be doing as it's my very health and life (because of the meds) that we are talking about.

I have some suggestions too about being pro-active. Keep records. I document the time and length of my calls, who I spoke with, what we spoke about, and exactly what they said they were going to do. Be Persistant. I finally got my OH to SC case fixed by calling EVERY day for 7 business days until I actually received a "termination notice" from OH that I could take to the SC medicaid office. Be Polite. Each day I called, I politely explained each date that someone had "promised" to send out such letter and had not followed through. I politely explained that the situation was causing a serious health issue by not having my meds (of course, I had my stock pile; but I didn't tell them that)(oh, and don't be surprised if they don't care that the "mistake" could cause you great harm by going without meds or medical care. Those disembodied voices on the phone really don't care about that at all). Though they are supposed to help you, I'm a firm believer that if you're bitchy, your paperwork could get "lost" or end up on the bottom of the stack, and that's not what you want to have happen.

Quote from: ga1964 on January 27, 2010, 02:41:22 pm

I get so tired of people that can't seem to do there jobs properly....Every quarter I have to go through hoops just to get my insurance to cover the expenses they are supposed to, even when they get my premium on time.  I get so sick and tired of the hassles.  My insurance company creates so much stress for me, I begin to wonder if its all worth it. 

Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).

But of course it's worth it! Every little bit of hassle is worth it as long as it results in me having the meds that keep me alive. In the grand scheme of things, having these issues, while they can seem overwhelming on occasions, are a small price to pay to literally continue to stay alive.

Hang in there! ;D

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on January 27, 2010, 03:36:26 pm

  I've experienced the hassles of dealing with ADAP in the past and like you had to fret as to whether or not I would be getting my meds.  I cannot for the life of me wonder what the additional stress of the insurance issues you are experiencing are doing to you mentally.  Curse all you want, because I feel your F'ing frustration man  For what it is worth, I am sorry you are going through this, however this is the short term.  As unbearable as it seems this is something you must deal with now.  Will it be like this next year?  Who knows, but I would like for you to stick around to find out.. once again this is so short term.

  It makes me angry that you have to go through this.  It is one of the many failures of our system.  You don't deserve this one bit, but at the same time you have to understand this is nothing personally against you.  I know you already know that though.

Quote from: ga1964 on January 27, 2010, 02:41:22 pm

Sorry for the foul language, but I get hotter the more I think about it.  Why is it too much to ask that our government protect the people instead of the insurance companies?  It makes me want to set up a date with my .38.

This is just a suggestion and I say this to you humbly.  After I was diagnosed I took my two 9 mm's and pawned them.  I knew them things were in shaky hands.

Hang in there bud.  This comes from someone who was about to blow his brains out one night and was interrupted by the dreaded Mtd and his wanting to discuss the book Weights and Measures which undoubtedly fascinated me at the time.

Please keep fighting the good fight, I really believe you still have more left in you and there are better days ahead.

  Sincerely,

  Thomas

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Assurbanipal on January 27, 2010, 05:06:10 pm

Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 

You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)

Seriously, I know the frustrations and wish you the best.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on January 27, 2010, 05:07:20 pm

Quote from: Assurbanipal on January 27, 2010, 05:06:10 pm

Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 
You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)

ROFLMAO that's great advice.  ;D

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matty the Damned on January 27, 2010, 05:13:29 pm

Matty the Damned thinks it's important to identify what's going down here.

The OP does not really want to die. What he wants is change in his life. Striking and fundamental change. Death often serves as a metaphor for change. Particularly with the depressed.

Entirely understandable given the circumstances. Much of the advice given to you here is excellent and I won't repeat it. Your responses indicate that you think so too.

Understand that this miserable veil will lift with time. I suspect that time is closer than you might think.

MtD

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Life on January 28, 2010, 01:00:51 am

Ga,  I watched my partner die from a slow form of suicide 90 days ago.   That picture will be with me until the day I die.  My mother, my sister and brother were there with all of his friends as his heart beat its last beat.....   Seeing his Dad and Mother at 86 years old and trying to explain how their 49 year old son is no longer part of their lives was something I never wish to repeat.  Things were not as bad as he evidently felt they were.   It was because he could not talk out his feelings or share what concerned him the most in my mind.   This has affected 100's of people that he touched in his life time.   He helped so many, but could not help himself.  Find the courage to just live today.   Find the strength in others if you cannot find it in yourself.   Do not continue to follow a road that ends.   Choose to live, choose to fight.   Do not act,  you can think, but do not act.   Depression is a serious game and I know, I have felt all the feelings you have.   I have thought things out and how I would end it.   Then I play the tape to its final outcome and find that I have hurt the ones I love the most.   I can understand if your body was giving out and the end was truly near, but for you, that is not the case.   This can be fixed in time.  Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon.    Do not deprive your partner of the precious gift you have given him of being together.   Do not put him through what I am having to go through.   Please...

Eric

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 28, 2010, 03:34:08 am

I waited till 3:00 pm. for my caseworker to call me back, so I called her to see what progress had been made.
She told me that ADAP was emailing her to forms that are  needed.  I've got an appointment to see her Friday morning to sign them all.

Quote from: leatherman on January 27, 2010, 03:13:06 pm

Oh I know it feels like a big hassle right now; but you've got to realize that this is how it is. Getting assistance is no easy task. Keeping it can even be harder. It's been nearly 15 yrs that I've been receiving ADAP, or state assistance, or medicare, or SS, or medicaid, etc, and only two years in all that time have gone by hassle free (and then that case worker retired and it all went to hell in a handbasket at the next yearly review of my case).

I understand that there will always be paper work to fill out every year to get assistance, I just wish it wasn't like pulling teeth to re-qualify.  I know I'm not their only case, but I rely on them to tell me what they need from me, so I can get it to them on time.  I took my premium notice to my new caseworker the first week of Dec. when I got it and told her if she needed anything, to let me know and I would get it to her.  Now almost 4 weeks later, ADAP is calling to tell me that they need more paperwork.  Its like they don't communicate with my caseworker.  I don't know if I can handle dealing with this for 15 yrs., or even if I want to, if only 2 of the 15 yrs. are going to be hassle free. 

I know there will be snags here and there, but its ridiculous that they wait till the last second to tell me that there are more forms to be filled out. Every quarter I worry, Will I lose my insurance, because of someones incompetence in Atl..  Its like they don't care, its not their life at stake. 

Quote from: Assurbanipal on January 27, 2010, 05:06:10 pm

Shooting yourself means the insurance company wins. 

You need to stick it to the bastards and plan on living a loooong, loooong life -- with plenty of medications.  :)

Seriously, I know the frustrations and wish you the best.

Yes, the insurance company may win, but I would no longer have to deal with them.

Eric,

My deepest sympathy to you for your loss.  I happened to be reading your post while you were writing on mine.  I can't begin to imagine the pain you are going through.   I have been with my partner for 26 yrs. and I don't want to cause him the pain you are in, but I am so exhausted dealing with all of this.           

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on January 29, 2010, 07:07:33 pm

Ga, I understand your frustration, believe me I do. I've been dealing with government agencies for 16 years.  And what I"ve found out is, I have to fight.  And I have to fill out papers.  And I have to make calls.  All worthy sacrifices in the big picture.  If you want the best care you can have, you've got to fight for it.  And I know you can.  Trust me, if I can, you can also.  And things will get better.  You're just getting used to all this; sooner or later, it will be old hat.  Just keep pushing, and things will get better.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 30, 2010, 04:12:35 pm

Hi everyone,

I wanted to give and update to all of you that have given me your support and care.  I went to see my caseworker Friday, she was able to get me a 30 day supply of Atripla till she can get my re-qualification approved.  She also got me approved for an assistance program with the manufacturer for the next year.

I can't thank you all enough for support and encouragement.  Sometimes I feel so alone, then I come here and it lifts some of the isolation. 

Thank you everyone.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on January 30, 2010, 09:03:11 pm

That's great news, Ga.  Please keep us informed of what's going on with you.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Boo Radley on February 02, 2010, 07:47:33 pm

Late as usual...

Sounds as if your prospects are getting better so I hope the current course continues on the same lines.  Having some support, whether from friends, family, or strangers, is almost always a positive step.  Good luck!

Please keep checking in here to let us know how well you're doing... or whatever but I'll think optimistically for once in my life.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on February 19, 2010, 01:53:05 pm

Hi all,

I found out this week that I did not qualify for financial assistance to help with mortgage and Utilities.  Due to the fact that I live in the same building that I work in, and its classified as commercial and not residential.  So, now I'm 2 mos. behind on my mortgage and I'm not sure how I'm going  to get it paid.  The bank left me a message yesterday that I needed to call them, probably to tell me I'm going to get evicted or they want to re-po my truck. 

I don't know what to do.  If they take my truck and evict me I'll have no home, no business, and no ride.  Whats the point of going on?  Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of fighting to keep my head above water.  I just want some peace and calm.  I don't have money to pay for my meds, so I have stopped taking some of them.  I don't eat lunch to cut expenses.  I don't go anywhere to keep from using the gas I have left in my truck.   I'm so tired, that I want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up.  The constant feeling of emptiness, like I had a hole in my chest, and every bit of my soul is pooring out onto the floor.  The pain and the emptiness is getting to be more than I can take.  I want it all to stop, one way or another. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Alain on February 19, 2010, 02:11:09 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on February 19, 2010, 01:53:05 pm

I don't know what to do.  If they take my truck and evict me I'll have no home, no business, and no ride.  Whats the point of going on?  Things keep getting worse and I'm tired of fighting to keep my head above water.  I just want some peace and calm.  I don't have money to pay for my meds, so I have stopped taking some of them.  I don't eat lunch to cut expenses.  I don't go anywhere to keep from using the gas I have left in my truck.   I'm so tired, that I want to lay down, go to sleep, and never wake up.  The constant feeling of emptiness, like I had a hole in my chest, and every bit of my soul is pooring out onto the floor.  The pain and the emptiness is getting to be more than I can take.  I want it all to stop, one way or another. 

GA,

Its a rough ride, especially when issues are piling up. Not diminishing what you are going through. But many of us have been there too.

Call your case manager and tell them what is happening. I am sure that the business/residential issue can be iron out.

Call the bank and make an appointment. Tell them exactly what's going on. I am sure that they can help you in some ways.

Try, just try to see one issue at the time, as it is so overwhelming to look at everything at the same time.

Don't despair, you have come all this way and I believe that you can make it.

One way or another; Yes! Like many of us. Hang in there.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on February 19, 2010, 03:21:37 pm

Quote from: Alain on February 19, 2010, 02:11:09 pm

Try, just try to see one issue at the time, as it is so overwhelming to look at everything at the same time.
Don't despair, you have come all this way and I believe that you can make it.
One way or another; Yes! Like many of us. Hang in there.

good words there Alain! ;)
Take 'em to heart GA :-*

I just sent you a humungous PM ;D about why taking only part of your meds is a terrible idea (can lead to resistance without enough med in your system)  to how it legally takes about 90 days until a sheriff can physically evict you (so you do have some time).

however there a few questions you might answer here to see if anyone else has some advice.

What's the deal with your housing? Do you and your partner not live together? If so, what's going on with his "half" of the money. If not, maybe it's time to consider co-habiting. ;) :-*

and what's the deal with your meds? I thought you were trying to RE-qualify for ADAP helping cover the meds. Did you get more income of something to now NOT qualify?

hang in there buddy!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on February 19, 2010, 03:30:19 pm

In regards to the mortgage -- as someone who was foreclosed on -- I can tell you that the process - at least here in Florida - took about a year.  In that time, I was able to reorganize my finances and when the bank tried to come back and do a modification (which was actually going to end up costing me more money then the place was worth), I was able to move with no hassles.  Of course, if you can avoid foreclosure and get some type of forbearance agreement/modification plan with your lender that is acceptable, that would be the way to go.  A few years ago I was very down and out and did not see a future or a tomorrow, but with time things passed and everything worked out.  At the time, I went on an antidepressant for 30 days - just long enough to come out of the severe funk and get over the hump....  stick with it -- only focus on today's problems today.  I learned that also....  Also, back during the whole foreclosure deal, I had my vehicle repo'd -- but I took the bus for a few months until I could buy a car off the lot.  I also had my relationship end at the same time and filed for bankruptcy - as well as losing my job....everything hit within a period of 2-3 months of each other --- so, as others have said, some times the road does get down right bumpy -- but things have a way of working out  --- try on any given day to find just one thing to smile or laugh about and that will also go a long way to gettin u thru.  Keep sharing.  It will get better.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 07, 2010, 08:23:13 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 02:27:34 am

I can no longer pay my own living expenses.  Everything I makes goes to pay for meds, test, and docs. 

Do you qualify for ADAP?

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 07, 2010, 08:24:37 pm

Quote from: BT65 on December 29, 2009, 05:52:15 am

If you can't think about staying alive for yourself, then until you can, do it for the people in your life who love you.  Let them love you until you can love yourself.  And please get help.  Suicide, if accomplished, is irreversible, and tragic.  Please get some help.

TRUTH!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 07, 2010, 08:28:00 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on December 29, 2009, 04:37:01 pm

Thanks everyone for your support.  To answer a few of your questions,  I live in the South Georgia.  My partner and I have never "pooled" our monies into one checking account, but we have always split the normal monthly expenses such as Mortgage, Utilities, Phone, etc.  I have always been the one to make sure we had money put back for emergencies. 

I live in NORTH Georgia (Rome). You can't let pride get in the way of logic - sometimes ALL of us need help from someone. Don't be ashamed to ask.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 07, 2010, 08:33:10 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on January 28, 2010, 03:34:08 am

I know there will be snags here and there, but its ridiculous that they wait till the last second to tell me that there are more forms to be filled out. Every quarter I worry, Will I lose my insurance, because of someones incompetence in Atl..  Its like they don't care, its not their life at stake. 

Welcome to Georgia!!!!!!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 22, 2010, 03:47:28 pm

I appreciate all the feed back.  I wish it was enough.  I can't take anymore.  I have lost my insurance due to the sorry Case Manager that took over my case and to top it all off, today, I found out that she has quit and they have not replaced her yet. So now I have no Case Manager for the present time.  I have tried to stay positive, but I can't do it any longer. 

I have decided to make a "Video Will" and I am making arrangements so that I can exit this "Hell" that I have to call my life.  I really wish that I could see a different answer because I can't continue in this life.  I do appreciate everyone here that has offered your kind thoughts and words of encouragement.  It was nice to know that you all cared enough to try and help and I wish that could be enough, but it keeps getting harder to face a new day.  The hole that I have fallen in keeps getting deeper with no bottom in sight.   I can't do this any more.

I hope that in time my family and partner will be able to understand and not hate me for what I am about to do.  I know that it will cause them pain and grief, but I can't continue hurting anymore.  I hope they can forgive me for what I am about to do.  I don't want to cause them grief and hurt, but I can't take feeling the way I feel any longer.

God bless all of you that have sent encouraging words to me.

Good Bye

God forgive me.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matty the Damned on March 22, 2010, 04:43:50 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on March 22, 2010, 03:47:28 pm

I appreciate all the feed back.  I wish it was enough.  I can't take anymore.  I have lost my insurance due to the sorry Case Manager that took over my case and to top it all off, today, I found out that she has quit and they have not replaced her yet. So now I have no Case Manager for the present time.  I have tried to stay positive, but I can't do it any longer. 

I have decided to make a "Video Will" and I am making arrangements so that I can exit this "Hell" that I have to call my life.  I really wish that I could see a different answer because I can't continue in this life.  I do appreciate everyone here that has offered your kind thoughts and words of encouragement.  It was nice to know that you all cared enough to try and help and I wish that could be enough, but it keeps getting harder to face a new day.  The hole that I have fallen in keeps getting deeper with no bottom in sight.   I can't do this any more.

I hope that in time my family and partner will be able to understand and not hate me for what I am about to do.  I know that it will cause them pain and grief, but I can't continue hurting anymore.  I hope they can forgive me for what I am about to do.  I don't want to cause them grief and hurt, but I can't take feeling the way I feel any longer.

God bless all of you that have sent encouraging words to me.

Good Bye

God forgive me.

Before you do anything final, I implore you to seek psychiatric help. I appreciate you're in difficulties regarding insurance, but surely there is some mental health service which can assist you in climbing out of the depths of despair.

I suspect the world is a slightly better place because you're in it. It would be a shame if you weren't

MtD

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 22, 2010, 04:49:00 pm

Hang-in there for your partner, if for no other reason you know of yet.... :-\

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on March 22, 2010, 05:04:05 pm

  You can overcome this.  I know it's hard and many of us can relate to difficulties you are experiencing.  Just hang in there... if anything for one more day.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on March 22, 2010, 05:07:09 pm

Ga, please don't do anything right now.  Go to an ER if you don't know of a mental health facility you can get into right away.  Tell the people in the ER exactly how you're feeling.  Please. 

I know the desperation you're feeling, trust me.  I wasn't successful in my suicide plights, and suffered because of it (and so did everyone around me).   Things do pass; I know it doesn't seem like it, but they do.  Please, please, get some help, now before something irreversible comes about.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on March 22, 2010, 05:14:51 pm

It sounds like you really care about some of those who would be left berift if you go through with your plan. I know from personal experience it's devastating to be a survivor. And it's asking you a lot to take a breath and hold in and endure tough times.

Listen to me. Take a breath and get yourself to the nearest Emergency Room and tell them what's up. Even though you can't imagine at this moment that anything will help, there will be someone there who will help you.

You can see that you have obviously stirred a lot of feeling here and that is nothing compared to what those who love you would be feeling if they knew how bad things are with you right now.

Now, get yourself to that Emergency Room.

Wishing  you the best.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 22, 2010, 05:16:07 pm

Hey Ga , Please know there are many who care about you . Things do get better I promise .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on March 22, 2010, 05:30:34 pm

Hi GA -
Hope u went to the ER - or called 911 --- things do get better... I hope this comes out the right way, but someone once told me that if I killed myself today, in five years I would find out that I had killed the wrong person -- basically meaning that things do pass, things do get better and it is usually when we don't see how they could get better that we get into the position where they actually do --- u have a lot to offer - to those who will be struggling in the future --- the only way you can offer it is if u are here to do so --- please hang in there - find something to do that makes u happy, even for a minute - but first go and talk to someone - take some time to be good to urself by asking for help at the ER or thru 911 --- it will probably set into motion a path of events that will lift u out of this funk. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: WillyWump on March 22, 2010, 07:02:14 pm

GA,

What's the rush here?

Before you do this you need to be compassionate towards yourself and give The ER a try right now. Believe it or not they can do wonders for you RIGHT NOW.

You can also call Suicide Prevention @ 1-800-273 TALK and there are people there that will listen to you and provide relief.

You need to give one of these avenues one last try before you do this. I see no need to rush what you are going to do, please reach out now.

If my recommendations sound like too much trouble, just reach over and call 911, they will do the rest.

-Will

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 23, 2010, 02:45:36 am

Thanks all for caring.  As much as I appreciate it, I just can't see things getting better.  Its been 3 yrs now, ( I know its not that long for most here) but each month it gets harder.  I am so exhausted trying to "hang in there". 

Every month something else hops on the pile.  I can't sleep when I need to.  I lay in bed for hours and can't fall asleep.  If I do get lucky and fall a sleep, its for short periods.  When morning comes I don't want to get out of bed.  It takes so much energy to face the day.  Energy, I no longer have. 

And now, I have no insurance, so going to the ER is not an option.  I can't afford to support myself as it is, and I don't need any more debt to eat up what little I have left to leave my partner.

My life is so fucked up.       

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matty the Damned on March 23, 2010, 03:03:49 am

Quote from: ga1964 on March 23, 2010, 02:45:36 am

Thanks all for caring.  As much as I appreciate it, I just can't see things getting better.  Its been 3 yrs now, ( I know its not that long for most here) but each month it gets harder.  I am so exhausted trying to "hang in there". 

Every month something else hops on the pile.  I can't sleep when I need to.  I lay in bed for hours and can't fall asleep.  If I do get lucky and fall a sleep, its for short periods.  When morning comes I don't want to get out of bed.  It takes so much energy to face the day.  Energy, I no longer have. 

And now, I have no insurance, so going to the ER is not an option.  I can't afford to support myself as it is, and I don't need any more debt to eat up what little I have left to leave my partner.

My life is so fucked up.       

And yet you came back to us. :)

Good thing too dear. You gave us quite a scare with your earlier post.

Now I want you to listen to me. You're a prisoner of the Black Dog. Depression has it's steely grip around you and it's skewing the way you see everything. Grim stuff indeed. Depression is a terrible condition and a very effective killer.

But there is hope. Depression is eminently treatable and I suspect a goodly part of you would like to be rid of it. You must take the advice of those who have posted above. Go to the ER. Tell them that you've been having suicidal thoughts. Don't worry about stuff like insurance. You can fix that up later.

Perhaps one of President Obama's High Risk Pools can help.

But you simply must get this sorted out. You owe it to yourself, your family and above all your partner.

And remember, we're always here. Such as we are.

:-*

MtD

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: darkerpozz on March 23, 2010, 03:23:55 am

All I can say in times like these is to hold on things will get better maybe for only a little while but they will improve. Look for help in places you wouldn't normally and pride  be darned Desperate times force one to dig and find solutions. Life truly ain't easy but death is permanent. Take a moment for yourself and realize those who would miss and know you can do it.    Mark   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on March 23, 2010, 08:10:02 am

GA-
Definitely do not worry about something like insurance when your life is on the line -- go to the ER - if you have a publicly funded or not for profit hospital near you go there -- many cities also have non profit crisis units funded by the state and/or county to handle situations such as yours -- when u just need someone to talk to, need a break and need to get out of the funk of the depression.  Two different times in my life I have felt the way you do -
One time I actually tried to leave - when I saw the therapist he asked if I was trying to kill my self - I said I don't want to die - I am just tired of living - and I was tired.... but, that statement helped me to get the assistance I needed to get over the hump (and some humps are bigger then others and take a little longer to get over) -- but you only have to handle today's problems today - and you only have to handle as much as you are able or willing to handle on any particular day -- that sounds cliche - but it is tru

The second time, I remember going to my boss -- after wandering around my house aimlessly for hours in a deep funk --- she gave me a hug - I cried - she looped my in to a psychiatrist and I got on meds for a short period of time until I could come out of the funk enough to function.  It didn't make the problems miraculously go away, but it did make it easier to handle them and took me out of the dangerous funk I was in.  I also realized that I don't always have to "hold it together."  I try to follow the saying at times --- "I'm Not Okay, You're Not Okay - But That is Okay."   The only thing perfect about life is that it isn't perfect and isn't always rosy.

Please check on the ER situation or crisis unit.  If your city has an information/referral line call them (if not do the 911 thing) -- Our Info line here is 211 and it is that in many other places --- ask about crisis unit/crisis counseling.  Take even a small step --- the returns will be great.

Thank you for sharing honestly with us where you are and how u feel.  Whether you know it or not - ur words can help others - while at the same time helping you and this is a "we" thing.

Phil

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 23, 2010, 02:48:55 pm

Hi all,

I'm trying to stay strong, I'm just so exhausted at the time.  I constantly have chest pains,(not heartattack pain) just pain as if all my insides have been ripped out and left a huge cavern in my chest.  I feel so hollow and empty.  It hurts so much and does not go away. 

I am on paxil, not like its had any positive effects over the past 2 yrs. that I have been taking them.  I've been to a therapist in the past, again with no real improvement.  I know part of it comes from me not being comfortable with opening up face to face, but I did try.  Its easier for me to express my feelings anonymously here than face to face with someone.  I fear that if I did tell someone how I was feeling face to face, they would put me in a straight jacket and lock me away. 

Being the oldest of my siblings, I have always been expected to set the example for my younger siblings.  In the past it was not a problem, a burden maybe, but not a problem.  Now I fight to stay sane and not let them see the cracks in my facade.   I feel so weak and I hate that.  I don't know how to let them see me in any other light.  Its always been my "Job" to set an example for them, to be strong, to be responsible, to be mature, to do the right thing.  I have done this as long as I can remember, all the same time hiding the fact that  I was gay.  I'm from a religious family and during my teen years I had to "hide" who I was to my family because being gay was unacceptable.  My partner and I had been together for almost 10 yrs. before I was able to tell my parents to mixed reactions from being "disowned" to being accepted, but not happy about the situation.

The crazy thing about it all, was that I thought my Dad, (being very religious) would have been the one to reject me and my Mother would be the one that would handle it better.  To my surprise, it was the exact opposite.  My Dad was like, "I wish you were not gay, but your still my son."  My Mom on the other hand, disowned me and we did not speak for 10 years.  Growing up, all you saw on TV were these perfect families that could over come any problems with the parents having unconditional love for their children.  No matter how bad the situation, the kids could always go to their parents and everything would work out.  I know this was all fantasy now, but back then, I thought that was the way it was supposed to be.  No matter what, you could always count on your parent's to love and be there. 

As I got older, I learned how to hide my feelings, as to not let anyone think that I was "different".   I dated girls to "fit in" so my parrents would not ask why I was not dating girls.  I endured so many questions of when I was going to settle down and start a "family".  All the time, being in a relationship that I could not share with them.  I did not get to have a "wedding", like my siblings, to celebrate my relationship and for it to be accepted and respected, not that I felt like I needed to have a "wedding" to have my relationship with my partner to be validated to me.  I don't know if "Gay Marrage" was to be legalized, that my partner and I would even get married.  To me marrage is just a piece of paper, so you have to pay a lawyer a lot of money to get out of it, if it does not work out.  The only benefit would being able to qualify for tax credits that straight couples get, and that my partner would be recognized as my family when I'm in the hospital.

Thanks for reading and caring.  I'll try to keep it together for now.   

 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on March 23, 2010, 02:56:23 pm

   Ga,   I admire your strength.  Your problems remind me of my own I had to deal with 5 years ago.  I never thought where I sit today was possible.  I hope you reach this place soon.

   Hang in there bud...

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Ann on March 23, 2010, 03:02:10 pm

Ga,

I'm glad to hear you're still keeping it together. You can do it!

One thing that really worries me though, is that you're still  on Atripla. The sustiva component is well-known for causing depression and even suicidal thoughts such as you have been experiencing.

I know I mentioned this to you before and you replied that Atripla has worked very well for you. BUT - that's number-wise only! You can switch to another combo that doesn't include sustiva that will be every bit of effective as Atripla - but without the horrible depression side effect.

Please, talk to your doctor about this asap!

Hang in there.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 23, 2010, 03:07:05 pm

Thanks Ga for the update . I have been thinking about you all day .

One aspect of the things you have shared with us is something we have in common .
I to also felt at one time that I had let my family and myself down by not dealing with what life had dealt me . I was ashamed and my shame turned into depression and I felt exactly what you have described feeling .

It wasn't easy changing the way I felt but thank god I did . It took me a long time get to the point of knowing in my heart that most people who were dealing with so much would probably be a basket case themselves . It finally dawned on me I wasn't super man and had nothing to be ashamed of . I'm not suggesting I know how you feel or how hard it is for you right now but I do remember that feeling of certainty that things just couldn't get worse or better in my life and I just wanted to die in the worst way . Things turned around for me in time and my life is good again .

I hope next time things are tough for me I wont be so hard on myself and realize I'm only human .    

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on March 23, 2010, 05:31:37 pm

Ga, I didn't realize you're on Atripla.  I can tell you that I couldn't take Sustiva because of the depressive side effects (and other crazy central nervous system stuff).  I totally agree with Ann, about switching to another combo.  My doctor did it for me when I asked, and it's been a lot better.  You may really seriously consider checking into this.

Also, the Paxil may not be working for you.  But, that doesn't mean that no antidepressant will.  You may also want to talk to your doctor (I don't know if you see a psychiatrist or not) about switching to a different antidepressant. 

I believe we probably all have some shame from our early lives.  I know I did.  Until I realized that every one of us is human, and capable of fucking up big time (and most have).  And life goes on.  Please keep going on.  And seriously, if you can't think of any other way, go to an ER, and tell them how you're feeling.  Don't worry about being able to pay it.  Your life is worth more than a bill.  Do it for your partner, do it for your family, and do it for yourself.  Things do pass.  I know it doesn't seem like it right now, but they do.  And please keep us updated.  Thanks. :-*

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: WillyWump on March 23, 2010, 10:04:08 pm

Ga,

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. While we may not be able to relate to all of it, Im sure that all of us can relate to parts of it.

 "My Dad was like, "I wish you were not gay, but your still my son."" - This is awesome Ga, you have a wonderful dad. Embrace it. As you stated, it's typically the dads that react badly.  I actually was not able to "come out" until after my father died. He was a staunch homophobe, and I would do anything to please him (yes I know, issues), even to the point of getting married. Man that was some fucked up times.

I can totally relate to the growing up watching the "perfect" families on Tv. I longed to have a family like that. Mine was anything but perfect (single mother raising me, non-existant alcoholic dad). I used to imagine that I was part of the "Seaver" family. It was an escape for me. But then I grew up and realized that the TV families were fictional and didnt exist in the real world. Reality sucked for me. But I learned to try to make the best of what I had.

Your posts are very insightful, I look forward to reading more.

Also, I agree with the others regarding the sustiva, no telling what that is doing to you emotionally

-Will

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 23, 2010, 11:12:39 pm

Quote from: WillyWump on March 23, 2010, 10:04:08 pm

As you stated, it's typically the dads that react badly.  I actually was not able to "come out" until after my father died. He was a staunch homophobe, and I would do anything to please him (yes I know, issues), even to the point of getting married. Man that was some fucked up times.

I had the opposite reaction to me: my Dad's reaction was, "Yeah, I know. So? Anything else?" while my mothers' reaction was ," No, you can't be! I don't want you to burn in Hell for all of eternity!"...

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on March 24, 2010, 08:47:29 am

GA, it's good to read that you're hanging in there.

Having to live your life to suit other people's expectations of you can be a tremendous burden. As far as I am concerned, taking good care of yourself is the best example you can set for others and for the world in general.

I second Ann's remarks about Sustiva. Yes, it can be very effective, but it's a powerful drug and many have had serious emotional side effects from using it. Talk to your doc about it and alternatives.

Make sure this day and every one thereafter includes something you really enjoy doing to help balance all of the challenges you're dealing with.

Cheers. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 24, 2010, 12:40:47 pm

Hi all,

I want to thank everyone for your support.  I can't express how much it means to me at this time.  I don't know if i would still be here if it was not for your compassion and words of support.  Sometimes I feel so alone and isolated. 

I finally got a full night of sleep, but I think it might be because I think I took a double dose of my meds I take at night.  I take my Atripla at bed time so I can sleep through the side effects that I have seen written here.  I also take my Amatirptalyn 100mg. and Trimodal 100mg. before going to bed to help me sleep.   

When I went to bed last night I could not remember if I had taken them earlier, so to make sure I did take them, I took them.  Within 10 min. I started feeling drunk and everything started spinning.  Next thing I know I woke up this morning with a terrable hangover, so now I'm thinking I ended up taking 2 Atripla and 200mg. of both Amatriptalyn and trimodal. 

I'm not worried about the Amatriptalyn and trimodal as much as I am about Possibly taking 2 Atripla in the same night.  If I did infact take 2 Atripla, could it have a negative effect like not taking it for 1 night?  Should I have gone to the ER?  I am vigilant about taking my meds Daily, but as you know, I have not been in the best frame of mind lately.  I take some of my meds in the morning, some after dinner, and the rest before bed.  What should I do if I can't remember if I've already taken them?  Especially the Atripla.

Thanks again for being here.

   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 24, 2010, 12:46:04 pm

 Good to hear from you today . Its no big deal about the atripla for one night . Missing one dose will do no harm if it gives you peace of mind .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Denver Toad on March 24, 2010, 01:11:53 pm

GA,

I'm damm glad you're reaching out here. For many of us, me absolutely included, asking for help is often the hardest part of getting the help we need.

There's a lot of excellent advice being shared with you here. We're all lucky to have this forum where we can vent/express/share what we're feeling. Thanks for sharing how tough it is for you trying to deal with the challenges of living.  

Suicide..... I keep some parts of my past tucked deeply away. After three and a half years the wounds are at best lightly scabbed over. It doesn't take much for the memories to be as consuming as the emotions were during the darkest days.

My partner too suffered from depression and felt overwhelmed by events. Money, lack of health insurance, lack of support from family, failure to measure up to self imposed standards, their belief they were a failure in the eyes of others, and a sister that had taken her own life. (this sets a precedent for other family members as to acceptability of suicide) All this culminated in Terry's death at her own hand. She shot herself in the heart while sitting alone, desperate, and in the dark of the night. Death wasn't painless, the journey to the other side wasn't an easy transition. The first bullet nicked a rib and was deflected into her lung. Eventually the wound would have been fatal but death would likely have taken hours. Somehow she found the means to pull the trigger a second time and thus ended her life. I find myself, even today, wishing I'd been the one she shot... It would have hurt less...

Lessons I've learned from her death...
(1) A loved one's suicide is just the beginning of the pain. It takes years to heal. There's a part of me that may never heal.

(2) Suicide made none of the problems go away. We were a "common law" couple in the eyes of the law. Her death didn't make any of the money problems disappear. I just finished paying off her medical bills, her dental bills, and funeral bills. A simple cremation and outdoor service ran into the thousands of dollars.

(3) Her suicide was the penultimate fuck you to all of us that loved and cared about her. I rarely see her children or family member any more, we've moved on with our lives. Of all the emotions we've shared, of all the frustrations common amongst us, the most prevalent theme is why didn't she reach out. We would have done anything in our power to help her. Why did we/I matter so little that she wouldn't or couldn't ask for help. We love her memory but struggle with forgiveness for her final act.

(4) Terry will never know of the granddaughter named after her. The child that shares her blond hair and brown eyes. Her Granddaughter will only know her from photos and others memories.

(5) Terry's death devastated her son. He's now an alcoholic and drug addict that is essentially homeless. At one time he was an honor student and looked forward to life. He now chooses to self medicate in an effort to ease his pain. Terry not only took her life she robbed her son the will to keep living.The last time I spent time with him I asked what he missed most of his mother... "I want her to hold me." How do you answer that?

(6) Places, events, dates, and similar are forever changed. Christmas/Thanksgiving/holidays are tinged with memories. Before and after death memories. We altered and replaced gatherings and events trying to find a comfort zone between wiping her memories from our lives and honoring the person we loved.

I need to stop now. Like I said this brings up a host emotions that I try to keep buried. For me there is no reconciliation, wrapping my head around this is just too painful. So I shove the memories as deep as I can and with time they've begun to diminish.

On a clear nights I stand on the back porch and look up into the sky... I'll imagine she can hear me... I imagine she cares still... with all I want to tell her, to share with her... the one thing I always come back to is why. Why why why. Why am I left with only why? Does it hurt less where you are, because all you accomplished with your death was putting all your fears, doubts, and pain on our shoulders. Is that what you wanted? Terry... I love you... and I hate you.

Hang in there GA. There's a lot more on the line then you realize. PM me if you want to chat... I'll listen if you reach out.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 24, 2010, 01:17:21 pm

Denver Toad , thanks for sharing that very personal and touching part of your life with us .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 25, 2010, 01:12:03 pm

Denver Toad,

My deepest sympathy for what you have gone through.  It brought me to tears.  I can't thank you enough for sharing your story.  I can't begin to imagine the pain you must have gone through.  I printed it out so I can read it when things seem so dark and dire to remind me that my death would have permanent effects on my partner and family.

I know that you sister did not want you or anyone else that loved her and that she loved you and them.  I can't know what she was fighting, nor will I assume I could to express what drove her to her decision.  I can can only tell you what I'm going through, as much as I love partner and family, the pain inside me becomes unbarable at times. 

For me, It's hard for me to show weakness and flaws to those closest to me.  I don't want them to be worrying about my problems, they have enough of their own.  Also, I was raised, you handle your own problems and not "dump" your problems on others.  Even more so being the oldest of my siblings.  You know, "Man-Up", "Cowboy Up" etc..  With them being 4, 10, and 11 years younger than me, I was suppose to set the "example".  And my parrents focused on them more because of their ages.  Not that they ignored me, they just had to focus on the younger ones more. 

As I got older it became second nature not to discuss my problems.  And after my Mom disowned me, I lost my ability to fully trust others.  If my Mom could turn her love off like a light switch, how could trust that someone else could love me more than my Mother?  Yes, she did come around eventually, but it took 10 years and me making the first move.  I also have trust issues with therapist from a childhood experience.  And we all have had one or more "friends" that have proven to be disloyal.

All of this, plus the HIV thing, and sometimes I get to feeling so overwhelmed by it all.  I get to feeling the only way to stop the hurt , both mentally and physically, is to end it all.  Some say its selfish, but at these times, stopping the hurt by what ever means, becomes the over riding thought, for me at least.  I know I have trust issues, abandonment issues, and social issues of being gay and living in a small town in the "Bible Belt Buckle" of the Nation.  Sometimes I feel like a kid playing in the grown up world trying to keep my head above water and not letting anyone see me slipping under.

Thank you again.  I know it must have been painfull for you to write about your sister.  I know what its like to bury painfull memories to be able to move forward.  Don't hate her, I'm know she loved you more than you will ever know.  I love my family and partner so much and I don't want to cause them hurt and grief, but the pain inside me gets so intense, my thoughts go to finding an end to it by any means possible.

Sometimes these thoughts continues for days and weeks at a time and then something else goes wrong and it feels like god is piling things on so heavy as if he wants me to break.  They say God will not put on more on someone than they can handle, but it gets to the point that I look up and yell that I have too much and I've reached my limit, not that it has seemed to help.  The shit is still being piled on me and the weight is taking me to my breaking point.  As much as I don't want to hurt those that love me, I have to find a way to unload at east some of the load.

God bless you, and I hope you will be able to find peace with your sister for the decision she made.  It was not meant to bring you or anyone else that loved her pain.

   
 


 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: metekrop on March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 pm

I want to die ::)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on March 27, 2010, 07:20:01 am

Quote from: metekrop on March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 pm

I want to die ::)

I don't know what your post is supposed to imply, but it's not helpful, is it?  I suppose your time would be better spent here trying to help someone, instead of being a smart-ass.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on March 27, 2010, 09:08:56 am

Quote from: metekrop on March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 pm

I want to die ::)

I am sure you were full of jokes when you were in the hospital near death. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 12:55:35 pm

It looks like I have definitely lost my Insurance.  I asked the temp case worker handling things now if I should apply for Medicare.  She told me she would help me file but did not think I would qualify.  She also said they usually say no to the first application anyway.  So now I don't know what to do.  If anyone has any advice, I would surely appreciate it.

I don't know what I'm going to do without health insurance.  I can't afford to keep up with the cost of my Meds, not to mention Dr. expense if I get sick.

It just adds one more load on my back and I'm at my breaking point. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on March 31, 2010, 01:32:05 pm

so what's going on with you applying/re-qualifying for ADAP?

I lived for all those years in Ohio without a case manager, so you don't neccesarily need them. The information about GA ADAP is at http://health.state.ga.us/programs/stdhiv/adap.asp (check the link for "Enrollment Site List", along with the application document links below that). IF you qualified before to have ADAP cover the cost of your insurance, it should help provide you with medications while you apply for medicare. Are you eligible for state medicaid? (http://www.georgia.gov/00/channel_title/0,2094,31446711_31944826,00.html)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Boo Radley on March 31, 2010, 01:32:41 pm

Quote from: metekrop on March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 pm

I want to die ::)

Be my guest.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 31, 2010, 01:53:08 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 12:55:35 pm

It looks like I have definitely lost my Insurance.  I asked the temp case worker handling things now if I should apply for Medicare.  She told me she would help me file but did not think I would qualify.

It definitely looks like you would qualify for ADAP...

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 02:57:26 pm

My case worker mentioned ADAP.  I'm supposed to meet with her Mon. to fill out the paper work.  Will ADAP take care of medical expences that are not HIV related, Hospital expences, MRI, Catscans, etc?

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on March 31, 2010, 03:40:04 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 02:57:26 pm

Hospital expences, MRI, Catscans, etc

goodness! :o You're not that sick right now are you?!?
(20 yrs of being poz and I've never had an MRI or catscan. A couple xrays for the pneumonia and a couple of hospital stays of less than a week has been about it for the big ticket items)

as far as medicaid and medicare etc, those all depend a lot on your financial situation/health status. Unfortunately going the road for disability (to get medicare if you're not old enough) entails that you have to be sick enough; while obtaining medicaid entails not having the financial means to afford your own health care.

Unfortunately, in troubled times like you're going through (and god, do I hate giving out this advice, cause I sure hate hearing it  :D ) you need to take things one step at a time. Right now that you have already started meds, you need to get ADAP to help you keep on obtaining your meds. The meds will keep the HIV beat back, so you're immune system can work, and you shouldn't have much more to worry about in the immediate future than a summer cold or something.  ;)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on March 31, 2010, 03:50:08 pm

Hi Ga1964-
I agree with leatherman -- however, you could also check with your caseworker to see who are the Ryan White funded health care providers in your area.  Depending on needs idenfied in your community, a variety of health care services may be available to you thru RW funding.  Also, if you have a safety net hospital/health care sytstem in your area (i.e. publicly funded, tax funded, not-for-profit) - many have charity care programs that are based on your income or lack of.... Check out these options on your own or with your case worker.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 04:50:53 pm

Thanks guys,

I don't have any major health issues, other than HIV, at the present time.  I was in the hospital for major surgery when I was diagnosed.  That adventure ended up costing close to $200,000.00 by the time I recovered.  I'm just scared of not being able to have test or surgery if needed if I don't have insurance.  We do have both a nonprofit and for profit hospitals here. 

What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?  I can't keep up with the bills now.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on March 31, 2010, 05:03:44 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 04:50:53 pm

I don't have any major health issues, other than HIV, at the present time. 

What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?  I can't keep up with the bills now.

Seems you're panicking over nothing, my dear... ADAP will help with paying for HIV meds... And you don't need an MRI or cat-scan to tell you that you have HIV... ;)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matty the Damned on March 31, 2010, 06:09:29 pm

Quote from: metekrop on March 26, 2010, 02:57:46 pm

I want to die ::)

Mete,

It's a shame you've decided not to extend to the OP of this thread the same consideration and kindness which has been extended to you in this place.

MtD

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on March 31, 2010, 06:14:42 pm

GA-
If you would by chance end up with a medical need - most hospitals have Patient Finance Associates whose job it is to see what program(s) you qualify for, such as Medicaid, charity care, RW, etc.

In the meantime, be in good health -- no parasailing, motorcross riding, downhill slalom skiing, etc   ;)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on March 31, 2010, 06:52:53 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on March 31, 2010, 04:50:53 pm

What do I do if I need medical attention and can't pay for it?

that's the hardest part, when you're in the roughest times, of trying to live only one day at a time - and that's to not be a good boy scout who's always prepared.

After I got out of the hospital with PCP or when my partner was in the hospital dying from non-hodgkins lymphoma, the hardest thing was to "take one day at a time". (well it was a toss up for the hardest part - actually taking one day at a time or listening to everyone to tell me to take one day at a time. LOL) I thought I needed to plan on what to do next in case XYZ happened; but what I really needed to do was take appropriate care of myself each day (rest, food, meds, exercise) and just deal with the immediate problem. Good grief, I wasted so much worry, time and energy planning for how things would be after my partner got out of the hospital and was back at home recovering, and that never even happened. :'( When I checked myself out of the hospital AMA with PCP, all I was worried about and planning for was my death - and that never happened either. ::) Sometimes you just have to not push forward so hard and just see where life takes you. It sucks, but that's life - unpredictable. ::) :D

Right now you're healthy, and you need to focus on making sure that stays just like that. That means getting that access to meds fixed up before you run out. (Can you print out the ADAP application, and go ahead and have it filled and ready before that meeting? As I mentioned before it takes patience and work to change a situation. It won't hurt to be more pro-active rather than waiting for some temp case mgr to come to your rescue. ;)) Once that is all in place, then you can worry about getting things together to be able to see a doctor and have labs done.

Until then don't be worried about imaginary issues like hospitals and MRIs. ;) That's just a good way to drive yourself crazy and worsen your depression. and Hey! That's something else you can work on right now - the depression. Are you still working at a job? If not, you need to find some activities (like Phildinftlaudy said - just not real dangerous ones) so you don't obsess and worry and sink further down. If you are still working, then you need to find some relaxing activities to help manage that depression and worry. Walks in the park, planting flowers/garden, volunteer work.

I understand things are very rough for you right now (but be thankful you have your health!) and you wish you had all the answers, or at least some of the answers, right now; but these problems have been building up in your life for a while and are going to take a while to get sorted all out. I'm just glad that your still here and still struggling all these months later since you first posted. In another 6 months to a year, you might very well look back on all this and be amazed at how far you've come from that guy that started this thread.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on April 01, 2010, 12:34:12 am

Thanks for the advice. 

It's not one of my strong suits, but I will try to take one day at a time.  I've always been the one in our relationship that made sure we had a "Rainy Day" fund.  Now, were at the end of our savings and the "rain" is not letting up and no end in sight.  It's easy for him to say "don't worry, it will be OK."  He's never worried what his credit score is, I do. 

After what the last 3yrs. have done to our finances, I don't know how anybody can afford to live with HIV.  I use to have a great credit score, now it's in the toilet.  I still work in my own business, but all the money I use to have to put into savings, entertainment, vacations, etc. has been spent trying to keep up with my medical expenses.  I feel like I'm cheating my partner out of being able to retire some day in the future and having a comfortable "golden years".  Then I feel guilty, and then the depression sets in.  I don't know how to live without planning for the what tomorrow will bring.  I really wish I could have a "Fuck It" outlook sometimes.  It seems easy for my partner not to worry about tomorrow and maybe that's why I feel compelled to worry about it for both of us.

Thanks again for those of you that have cared enough to reach out when I've needed it the most.     


My OCD does not help either.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: WillyWump on April 01, 2010, 07:59:02 pm

Hey GA,

I dont want this to come off as abrasive , and this is only my opinion on the situation but I think it's time to not worry about credit scores, rainy day funds and pleasing your partner (more on your partner later in this post). The priority is to wrap your head around your diagnosis and your depression. Right now, but not necessarilly forever, it needs to be all about "you".

Credit scores can be rebuilt, and really quite quickly. I know you take pride in your sterling credit rating, but really things happen to good people all the time which affect them adversely financial wise. There are many people who have taken a huge financial hit on their finances due to medical issues, many right here in these forums, and ultimately have rebuilt their finances. It's possible. Especially for someone as savvy as you. I myself filed Bankruptcy years ago, My once pristine credit was then shot to hell. Within 3 years of bankruptcy I bought a house (it can be done), I had credit cards being sent to me within 2 or 3 years of bankruptcy, etc.. My point is,  financial ruin was a temporary hump that I had to endure. I came out of it fine. I'm not saying you are financailly ruined or that you are headed that way, but worst case scenario is surmountable.

As far as your Rainy Day Fund, part of the reason for saving is for unexpected medical expenses. Yes its nice to save for vacations, entertainment, etc... but your health comes first and foremost. Dont feel the least bit bad for draining your rainy day fund over medical expenses. It's a darn good thing you had that fund huh?

As far as your partner, It's obvious he loves you and will continue to do so no matter what the financial situation. Your strong love for him is obvious as well "I feel like I'm cheating my partner out of being able to retire some day in the future and having a comfortable "golden years". This statement shows you are a very giving and caring person. It's apparent yall have a very strong relationship. Bravo for that! Nevertheless right now you need to focus on your HIV sitaution and less on creating a cushy "Golden Years" for your partner. You need to stay well and healthy for your partner right now, and that way you can still have a nice Golden Years down the road.

There is no reason to feel the least bit guilty about purportedly cheating you and your partner out of a comfortable Gold Years. You never know what tomorrow or next year may bring, you may get a huge unexpected windfall contract with your business that you run, you may get a hundred new clients, you may __________ (insert anything here).  Everything you are going through right now is merely a temporary speed bump. When I get saddled with difficulties, I use the 10 year rule..."Will this matter to me in 10 year?", the answer has always been "No". For you chances are that none of this will be an issue in 10 years, or even 5 years.

Right now it needs to be all about You and Your health. Everything else can go on the back burner. No one is going to mind.

Yes, I know right now you are worried about being able to pay for meds with your insurance issues, etc.. But this too will remedy itself in some way (see prev posts about ADAP, etc...)

You're a smart man, I know in your heart you know all of this that Ive just posted is true, But sometimes it helps to see it and read it in black and white

Take care of yourself Buddy, youll be just fine.

-Will

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: blackwingbear on April 01, 2010, 08:11:01 pm

Quote from: WillyWump on April 01, 2010, 07:59:02 pm

Hey GA,

I dont want this to come off as abrasive , and this is only my opinion on the situation but I think it's time to not worry about credit scores, rainy day funds and pleasing your partner.

I don't think that was abrasive at all - in fact, I think you said it a Hell of alot nicer than some would have.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on April 13, 2010, 11:54:40 pm

Sorry, it's been a while since I updated here.  For the most part, I have leveled out some what. 

I met with my case manager the other day to fill out the application for ADAP.  When she saw that my CD4s were just over 700, she said I would not qualify for ADAP.  Is there a CD4 limit on ADAP?  My CD4s have come up, but they were at 191 when I was diagnosed.  Have I lost qualifying status because I now have a "normal" CD4 count?

My case manager filled out applications to get Patent's Assistance from the Pharm. Co. for my other meds, but I have not heard anything back.  I also asked her if I should go ahead and file for Medicare/Medicade and she acted like it would be a waist of time.  She said she would help me with the filing, but said everyone gets turned down first couple of times.  Maybe it was just me, but I got the feeling that she did not want to have to deal with it. 

Its times like this that I wish I had my original case manager back.  She made the whole process a lot easier.  She made me feel as if she really cared about getting me the help I needed.  This new case manager is polite and friendly, but I get the feeling she could care less what happens to me.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Hellraiser on April 14, 2010, 12:00:43 am

hmmm You should definitely point out that you started with a CD4 of 191...once an AIDS diagnosis always an AIDS diagnosis, but I don't think they can deny you ADAP coverage due to your CD4 count.  Make sure your case worker is aware that should you stop taking your medication you could develop resistance issues.  Also, go ahead and file for medicare/medicaid worst case scenario is they deny you.  She's probably hoping to avoid the paperwork and make her life easier, this however is her job so if you want to file, she has to help you.  Realize that she is serving you and not the other way around.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: boomer on April 14, 2010, 07:00:20 pm

Hi ga,

I just applied for ADAP and in Section I they do ask for lowest AND current or latest CD4 counts but there is no "cut-off" regarding current CD4 count. I believe ADAP is state run (I am in NY) so I don't know if it differs in that respect, if you are in another state. I doubt it.

What is your age? Are you on SSDI (disability)? You qualify for Medicare at age 65 or if you have been on SSDI for two years. Medicaid is based solely on assets and income.

If you would like to PM me I will do whatever I can to help as this is all that I am dealing with now.

Hang in there.

Boomer

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: darkerpozz on April 19, 2010, 05:32:18 am

Here he in CA a  doc can go your numbers when he started treating you (191) not the current treated status it is up to him but that doc it is usually coool about that stuff

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on April 20, 2010, 05:43:59 pm

Ga, I would definitely voice to your case manager your concerns.  She's there to help you, period.   If you can explain how you feel, maybe she'll be more helpful. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on May 14, 2010, 03:19:32 am

Quote from: BT65 on April 20, 2010, 05:43:59 pm

Ga, I would definitely voice to your case manager your concerns.  She's there to help you, period.   If you can explain how you feel, maybe she'll be more helpful. 

I got more of a feeling she did not want to be bothered with the paper work.  This has been dumped into her lap temporarily until a new person is hired.  I have left several messages for her to call me to set up an appointment to get the packages put together, but she has not returned my calls.

I talked to my ID last week and told him what happened with my insurance and asked if he could accept what I had payed as my co-pay on my insurance for an office visit so I could get my pain RX refilled.  (I've been out of it for over a month and I have been taking left over pain meds I had in my medicine cabinet to get by.)  I ask the nurse at the health dept. where I get my labs done, if she could ask the Dr. that sees me there, if he could write a new RX.  She said he would not do it until he could see me, which would be in July. 

Thank goodness my ID said he would only charge me what my insurance co-pay was, I just needed to bring him in copies of my last set of labs.  I also talked to him about my depression.  He wants to keep me on the Atripla for now and is putting me on a different antidepressant.  He said it would be a trial and error process to find one that will work for me.  So for the next 2 weeks I'll be weening off of the old one and starting up the new one.  I'll have to wait and see how things go.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 12:25:48 am

Hi all,

Just wanted to say thanks to everyone for helping me through my dark spell. 

I don't know if its the new antidepressants or looking forward to a visit from my best friend from high school, but things have been looking better.  We are going to Tampa/St. Pete. and Bush Gardens to ride coasters June 12-15.   :o   I haven't been on a decent coaster in sooooooooooooooo long.  :(  Coasters are like therapy for me, and I need this really bad.

We probably won't be able to enjoy the beach  :(,  THANKS BP ! >:(  But we will have a good time no matter what.

Thanks again for being here when I needed everyone. :) 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on June 02, 2010, 01:28:16 am

Quote from: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 12:25:48 am

Bush Gardens to ride coasters June 12-15.   :o   I haven't been on a decent coaster in sooooooooooooooo long.  :(  Coasters are like therapy for me, and I need this really bad.

well, if you had told us that, I could have fixed things up for you earlier. LOL :D

with my partners gone, I'm looking for a new coaster-mate ;) - especially since I'm a coaster-junkie and only live about 5 minutes from an amusement park now! (Carowinds (http://www.carowinds.com/) which sits on the NC/SC border). ;D

In the 25 yrs I lived in Ohio, every summer we either went to Kings Island (http://www.visitkingsisland.com/) or Cedar Point (http://www.cedarpoint.com/). The only 2 years I haven't gone coaster riding was the summer (08) right after my 2nd partner passed away, and last year (09) cause I was moving here. So I'm trying to find somebody to go with me - Soon!

I'm really glad to hear that you're feeling better. Depression is a tough thing to battle with. ;)
Anytime you're going through the Carolinas, let me know and we'll hit the coasters! ;D

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 03:29:42 pm

Thanks Leatherman,

I've been to Carowinds before.  One year my partner and I went on a Coaster Vacation.  We hit Six Flags Atl., Carowins, King's Dominion in Richmond, VA., and Bush Gardens Williamsburg, VA.. (I highly recommend the last 2.)  32 coasters in 7 days.  Best vacation in my life.  We've also been to Cedar Point.  We went up the first summer that they opened Top Thrill Dragster, Now that's a Thrill Ride.  If you ever get the chance to ride it, don't miss out. Six Flags Jew Jersey has it's Sister Coaster called Kunda Ka.  We went to ride it the first summer in was opened, but they had a lot of trouble with it that first year and it was down while we were there. (Not to mention 3/4 of the other big coasters.)  Their Customer Serviced SUCKED big time.  They charge admission, at least back then, by your height.  I ended up getting thrown out of the park because I asked to speak to the Park Manager about a refund because none of the BIG coasters were running.  When I got home I called the Six Flags Cooperate Office and had to threatened to sue them, before they gave me a refund.  We had been there once before and had a great time, but after the last visit I will not go back. Too bad, because they have some really great coasters.  But no one beats Cedar Point for the greatest Coasters.

Here I've gone on about Coasters, I am a true addict for coasters.  I hope one day we can ride some.  I know how it is to have to ride solo.  My partner won't go on any that turns you upside down, with the exception of Volcano in Richmond and The Hulk in Orlando.  Both 5 star rides.

   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on June 02, 2010, 05:24:28 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 03:29:42 pm

Here I've gone on about Coasters,

well dude, this is YOUR thread ;) and to honest, though I know all your problems aren't solved, I know that everyone here would much rather talk to you about roller coasters than talking about the end of your life.

Though, obviously NOT the coaster afficando that you are, it's these sort of bright events in life that one needs to remember when all seems so dark. Though I haven't been able to go since Jim's death, after Randy (my first partner) died (also in the month of May), having friends take me to the park later that Summer is definitely a memorable event in my life. Though it didn't reduce the grief of my loss, it helped me to realize that life could go on.

Those same friends helped make sure, even the years when I had been so deadly sick with PCP, wasting and whatnot, that they toted my frail ass to the park and got me on the coasters every summer. I know it sounds sorta lame, but I survived several years by wishing myself to stay alive until I got to the amusement park one more time. (You don't know how my years I spent wandering those parks too, thinking it would be my "last" visit. What a goober I was!! LOL)

For a while there too, I stayed alive waiting to attend my next Nine Inch Nails concert (the only thing more life-affirming than sex is being in the mosh pit at a Nails concert LOL); but they're not touring anymore, so thank goodness I moved so close to an amusement park. LOL

Quote from: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 03:29:42 pm

We've also been to Cedar Point.  We went up the first summer that they opened Top Thrill Dragster, Now that's a Thrill Ride.  If you ever get the chance to ride it, don't miss out.

I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.

Hands-down though, unless it's the buggy time of the year on Lake Erie, my fav will always be the front car of the Mantis.

Quote from: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 03:29:42 pm

I am a true addict for coasters.  I hope one day we can ride some.  I know how it is to have to ride solo.  My partner won't go on any that turns you upside down, with the exception of Volcano in Richmond and The Hulk in Orlando.

I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.

If I have to ride solo, I will though. Sometimes it's like "tough love" therapy that I have to give myself. It's still very disconcerting to be doing everything alone after so many years with partners. Sometimes I have to take the leap, and just "do" things.

heck, driving alone to Columbia to attend that ADAP rally was one of those events. I had to say to myself, "suck it up, leatherman, and be a big boy. There's no Jim and no Randy, so it's up to you to do it." and I did it and I'm very proud of myself - not just for being part of the rally; but for actually having the courage and just getting there all on my lonesome.

Carowinds has a Facebook $20 off coupon this month, so I hoping to be on a coaster this month too. I hope you have a wonderful time on your trip. And once again, I'm glad you're feeling a little better about things and hope that continues. ;D :-*

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on June 02, 2010, 07:31:45 pm

Quote from: leatherman on June 02, 2010, 05:24:28 pm

Though, obviously NOT the coaster afficando that you are, it's these sort of bright events in life that one needs to remember when all seems so dark.

I actually had a major fear of coasters until around 30, when my friend that's coming for a visit, got me on my first one at a local park we have here.  They have 3 coasters, but they are "MINI:DME" coasters.  Like and intermediate between Kiddie Coasters and Real Coasters.  I use to go ride them when I needed a pick me up, but have not been able to afford to go.  I'm really going to enjoy riding some big ones.

Quote from: leatherman on June 02, 2010, 05:24:28 pm

I rode top thrill the second day it was open to the public, and it was a scary ride that first year! It wasn't very well calibrated (they'd send a train, filled with headless dummy-shaped containers of water, on the tests) and frequently when a train filled with riders would reach the top, there wouldn't be enough speed and you would hang at the crest before plummenting backwards down the track and back into the station. Once they shot us off three times before the cars finally made it over the crest.

 


When we were there they were still having calibration issues.  Actually, it helped me to have the courage to get on it.  We were in line outside the ride in front of the Grand Stand viewing area.  It took them 3 times to get one of the trains over and sitting front row, was a lady that had to be 80, if she was a day old.  Between her and all the kids that were not even teenagers, they gave me the courage to get on it.  I started wishing that it would happen to us.  I can only imagine what it would feel like to fall 400 feet backwards.

Quote from: leatherman on June 02, 2010, 05:24:28 pm

I won't go to a park with a group unless everyone's going to ride the coasters. When you've been spoiled with a park with 17 coasters, it just seems weird to not go for the rides.

If I have to ride solo, I will though. Sometimes it's like "tough love" therapy that I have to give myself. It's still very disconcerting to be doing everything alone after so many years with partners. Sometimes I have to take the leap, and just "do" things.

If it were not so cold in Ohio, I would move up there.  That would be my idea of heaven.  You would not get me out of the park.  Manits is a great coaster, but I would have to put Millennium Force, front or last car, as my favorite Steel Coaster.

Thanks again for your thoughts and support.  :) 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on June 03, 2010, 06:01:14 pm

If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on June 03, 2010, 06:02:55 pm

Quote from: Andy Velez on June 03, 2010, 06:01:14 pm

If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.

i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG  :D

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Hellraiser on June 03, 2010, 06:04:23 pm

Quote from: Andy Velez on June 03, 2010, 06:01:14 pm

If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.

Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on June 03, 2010, 06:05:05 pm

I love roller coasters and would go on them with him also but I would want him to change the title of this thread first .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on June 03, 2010, 06:08:41 pm

Quote from: Hellraiser on June 03, 2010, 06:04:23 pm

Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.

It could have been worse ... you could have got hit in the head by a goose . There is something funny about people yelling DUCK and the I cant believe its butter man spitting feathers .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on June 04, 2010, 05:26:30 pm

Quote from: Andy Velez on June 03, 2010, 06:01:14 pm

If I ever go on a coaster vacation I defintely know who to ask to go with me for a good time.

Andy, your on.  I will be happy to show you the best ones.

RULE #1.  BOTH HANDS have to be IN THE AIR at ALL TIMES. :)  NO HOLDING ON TO THE SAFTY BAR. :o

Quote from: leatherman on June 03, 2010, 06:02:55 pm

i nominate Cedar Point/Sandusky OH for the next AMG  :D

I, second the nomination.  ;D

Quote from: Hellraiser on June 03, 2010, 06:04:23 pm

Not me.  I went on some coaster in 6 flags atlanta (not the one where some guy got decapitated) and I was so tense for the entire two minute ride that the rest of the day I was sore and tired.  It was not an enjoyable experience for me.

That was your problem.  You have to relax and RIDE the coaster, not try and CONTROL your body from moving from the G-Forces.  The more you try to KEEP your body from moving, the more FIGHTING you have to do and that leaves you sore and exhausted from the experience.  Not to mention, it ruins the experience. >:(  DON'T hold on to anything and your body will move more FLUIDLY and you will have a   SMOOTHER and more enjoyable ride.  It also add more EXCITEMENT to the ride. :o

Quote from: jg1962 on June 03, 2010, 06:05:05 pm

I love roller coasters and would go on them with him also but I would want him to change the title of this thread first .

I was in a much different frame of mind when I first started this thread.  I hope and pray that I never return to that place again.  This trip will help me tremendously to keeping that goal.

Thanks to all and I would be happy to ride with anyone that would like to ride. :) 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on June 04, 2010, 06:45:18 pm

Ga, I'm so, so happy you're going upward.  Keep on!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Hellraiser on June 04, 2010, 11:45:00 pm

Quote from: BT65 on June 04, 2010, 06:45:18 pm

Ga, I'm so, so happy you're going upward.  Keep on!

I second this motion.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BubbaPat on July 08, 2010, 12:26:24 pm

Howdy sunshine!!
I don't get on here much anymore but I saw your post and want you to think about something.....

Look at someone like Joan Rivers and check out her bio.  She was on her own show and when it was canceled, her husband and the time committed suicide.  Look at her now.... she has her career and family.  She's doing okay.

I'm sure you can look at a bunch of famous people who have stories like that.  In fact I'm sure we all do at some point in time.  We hit bottom and move up.  I know I'm there now and every day is fight to find a reason to stay on this planet.

I keep telling myself I'm glad I wasn't around during the depression.  I tell myself I'm lucky NOT to have been born Jewish in Germany during the time of Hitler.

Yon can't simply give up.  If you make only ONE person smile, doesn't that make the world a better place?

Come on kiddo, you can make it.  Hope to hear from you soon!!

Big huge monsterous bubba hugs!!!

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on July 12, 2010, 12:21:06 am

Hi BubbaPat,

Thanks for the thoughts and hugs.  I have been a fan of Joan Rivers since I was a teen.  She has had her share of bumps in the road, and has come out on top.  I know having money did not help in a lot of areas, but it did keep finances out of the mix during the tough times. 

I have been doing better since switching from Paxil to Celexa.  Also getting away with my friend a couple of weeks ago did wonders.  I went through a small depression when he left, but I got through it well.  We are making plans to get together in December, so that's something I'm looking forward to.

Thanks again for the thoughts and hugs.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on July 13, 2010, 02:07:17 am

I'm in a funk mood tonight.

My Dad came over to help me with some work today and just before leaving he said he wanted to talk.  He asked me how I was doing with my HIV and numbers.  I told him that my numbers were doing well and that my ID. was very happy with my response Meds and he is pleased with the improved numbers.  He also asked if I would allow him to tell my Brothers and Sister about my HIV.  I told him I was not at a place right now that I could deal with them knowing.  I don't know for sure if I'll ever be ready to tell them. 

I thought about telling them the other night.  My Sister was in town with her kids and my Brothers and my Sister-in-Law and their kids all got together for a pool party and cookout.  I got there just before the food was ready so I did not go swimming.  I still have scars on my legs and arms from a skin irritation I got shortly after getting out of the hospital in 2006.  I have not worn shorts in roughly 3 years because of them.  So, I'm sitting in a chair by the pool and they are all in the pool having fun with the kids, my Sister asked if I was going to swim and I gave some excuse not to.  I  never felt more like an outsider looking in on someone Else's family.  After eating, they got back in the pool for a while as I sat watching.  Seeing all the joy they were having together and the thought of telling them went right out the window.  I did not tell my Dad how I felt that night, but it reinforce the feelings I have about not telling them.  Like I told my Dad.  Getting HIV is not my proudest accomplishment in life.

He mentioned that my siblings might be able to help me out with my financial situation, but I'd rather die than to take away from my Nieces and Nephew.  I've already become a financial hardship on my parents.  I won't allow myself to become a financial hardship on my siblings.  They have their lives and families to take care of.  I did this to myself and they should not have to be burden by my mistakes. 

Call it Stuburn Pride or whatever, I'm not going to become a burden to them.  I would rather die and since I can't seem to speed up the process, I will guess I will have to wait for patiently till "Natural Causes" can get the job done.     

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on July 13, 2010, 05:45:42 pm

Ga, pardon me, but I can't remember when you tested poz.  I'm guessing it wasn't years ago, since you still seem to have shame regarding having the virus.  Look, it's only a damn virus!  There are lots of viruses, some we get, some we don't.  We happened to get the human immunodeficiency virus.  It's not a judgement, for us nor anyone else to make.  I bet your brothers and sister would be more accepting than you think. 

I also can't remember, do you see a therapist?  If so, you may want to deal with all this shame you have surrounding your situation, so you can get on with living, and get on with letting your family in more. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on August 02, 2010, 03:39:20 am

I feel my time has come.  I can feel my whole world collapsing around me and I have no way to stop it.  Every day I feel like I'm being buried deeper and deeper to the point I can't keep my head above water.  I am so exhausted of fighting a loosing battle.  I've worked hard all my life and been responsible to be able to have a few things in life.  A home, car, business, etc. and now its all about to be taken away.   

I am going to see my banker later this morning and fear that they might start forcloser proceedings soon.  I don't know if I can handle loosing everything I have worked for all my life.  I feel like such a failure.  I can't go on much longer like this.

I was watching "Brooklyn's Finest" earlier.  In the beginning there is a scene where Richard Gere puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and I start thinking "Its that easy, open wide and pull the trigger."  Of course, in the movie the gun is not loaded, but it looked so quick and easy.  One last twitch of a finger and it would all go away.  All the stress, the worrying, the shame I feel, all of it gone. 

I'm tired of feeling mentally exhausted all the time.  I can't stop worrying about loosing everything.  I'm nauseous all the time, I have chest pains (not a heart attack) that brings me to my knees often, I can't think straight any more, I can't concentrate any more and I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel any more.  Everytime I think that things might be improving, something else comes in to knock me back down.  I often wonder what keeps other people going and fighting.  I know I have things better than others and there are others that have it better than I do.  I just don't have the energy to keep fighting.

I was talking with my Dad the other day and he was telling me how he believes "In the power of prayer", he's very religious, but like I told him, prayer is not going to cure what I've got.  I know he wants me to be more religious like him, but yet the bible he follows, says that I am an abomination and my "sins" (lifestyle) is unforgivable and I will burn for eternity in hell.  If that's the case, why should I worry about praying?  Its not going to make a difference in the eyes of his "God".  If there is a God, why would he make it fatal to show your love for someone else, even if it is for someone of the same sex?  What if in the end, you just end up in a box 6 feet under the ground?  Whats the use in exhausting myself any longer?  I'm tired and ready for a permanent rest. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on August 02, 2010, 08:24:58 am

Hi Ga ... You were doing so much better a few months ago and I'm sorry to read you are back in a tough place again . You are doing the right thing by reaching out for help . I encourage you to contact your doctor and or therapist and let them know things are hard for you to handle again .

It sounds like you have a loving father despite his religious beliefs . I grew up in the south within the bible belt and had to come to a place within myself where nobody but me could define me or tell me who I am . I found it helpful to consentrate on my mental health and leave the spiritual stuff to ponder at a better time . Please come back and let us know how you are doing and call your doctor today and let them know you are in crisis .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: max123 on August 02, 2010, 05:05:27 pm

hi ga,

i agree with jg... contact your medical team asap. maybe your aso can contact your mortgage lender to request a forebearance...in the current housing climate banks are doing all kinds of things these days to avoid foreclosures. please reach out for the help that you need.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: WillyWump on August 02, 2010, 11:15:19 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on August 02, 2010, 03:39:20 am

I feel my time has come.  

I was watching "Brooklyn's Finest" earlier.  In the beginning there is a scene where Richard Gere puts a gun in his mouth and pulls the trigger and I start thinking "Its that easy, open wide and pull the trigger."  Of course, in the movie the gun is not loaded, but it looked so quick and easy.  One last twitch of a finger and it would all go away.  All the stress, the worrying, the shame I feel, all of it gone.  
  

Ga,
This is not good this "suicidal ideation"... you need to contact someone Asap. While it's obvious to us that you need to reach out to your doc immediately, YOU may not realize it. Dont let this go any further, call someone as soon as you read this. Dont let us down buddy.

As far as the house, car, etc... those are just "things" and "things can be re-aquired. Dont feel alone in this respect, there are many, many people who are losing their houses and such. Things are really tough out there right now. I know it's easy for me right now to say this, but  you need to disconnect your self from your house and car...Your house does not define who you are, neither does your car. Your life is so much more valuable than something that can burn down or break. If you lose them so what. It's nothing to be ashamed about. It happened to me a while back, and guess what, after a few years I got another mortgage, and I got another car ( a better one!). For me, it was liberating to shed that debt and get back on my feet.

As far as the Bible. It is a book about Gods love for the world, not about human sexuality. The bible accepts sexual practices that we condoemn, and condemns sexual practices that we accept...example, The Bible states that if a bride is not a virgin that she should be stoned to death. It also states that if a man has intercourse with a woman while she is menstruating they shall both be executed, there are many others...The bible was in part written by people whgo were interpreting Jesus words. It reflected the socail mores of their time. NOWHERE  did JEsus say anything about same sex behavior. no one can find Jesus's views on this because it doesnt exist.. IMHO, God is only concerned about love for your fellow man, irregardless of where you sleep with men or women.

-Will

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on August 19, 2010, 02:31:06 pm

Thanks Jg, Max, and Will.

Sorry it's taken me so long to get back because I have had a lot going on lately.  Thanks to my Dad's help I've got my plumbing issues fixed and I have gotten caught up on my mortgage and car payments, for now at least.  I have a lot of big bills that are coming due starting in Sept., so I'm not sure how long I'll be ahead of my bills at this time.  Hopefully I can stay on top of them till I can get through the end of the year. 

I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

He told me yesterday that one of my brothers was going in Friday morning to have a liver biopsy performed and that he knew I would want to know about his condition as much as he would want to know about my condition.  Yes, I do appreciate them letting me know about this, but to me, it is an intirely different situation.  I know there is a possibility that he could be given a life threatening diagnosis, but I still don't feel like I should have to disclose my health issues just because he disclosed my brother's to me.  My Dad said he did not want to break the news about my HIV till after we find out my brother's outcome, but he did want to tell my siblings after we find out what is going on with my brother.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Hellraiser on August 19, 2010, 02:52:11 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on August 19, 2010, 02:31:06 pm

I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Thanks.

You can only really do what you're comfortable with.  Honestly if your disease is in check then I don't see the reason to tell anyone unless you need or want the support.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Joe K on August 19, 2010, 03:16:07 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on August 19, 2010, 02:31:06 pm

I know my Dad loves me and wants to help, but he has been pushing me to tell my siblings about my HIV status.  I'm just not ready to go there yet.  I have told him I'm not ready, but he keeps on pressuring me to tell them.  He tells me that they would want to be "In the loop" and that they would be mad at him for keeping it a secret.  I told him when the time comes that I am ready to let them know, if they get mad at him, for him to tell them he was respecting my wishes.  I don't know how to get him to understand that his pressuring about this, is hammering in the final nail in my coffin.  I'm just not ready to go down that road yet.

He told me yesterday that one of my brothers was going in Friday morning to have a liver biopsy performed and that he knew I would want to know about his condition as much as he would want to know about my condition.  Yes, I do appreciate them letting me know about this, but to me, it is an intirely different situation.  I know there is a possibility that he could be given a life threatening diagnosis, but I still don't feel like I should have to disclose my health issues just because he disclosed my brother's to me.  My Dad said he did not want to break the news about my HIV till after we find out my brother's outcome, but he did want to tell my siblings after we find out what is going on with my brother.

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

Hey Ga1964,

I'm so sorry to read your recent events. I suffer from mental health issues and I can appreciate how difficult it can be, to keep your life together and find some balance. However, I am also a parent, so let me share with you, what your father may be feeling. You are his child, his son and his love for you is unconditional, meaning he lives to see you happy and part of his job, is to make sure that happens. Then you tell him you are poz and his world crumbles. His son, has a serious illness and he is powerless to do anything. He so wants to help, because as a real parent, that is what he is supposed to do. But he has no clue on how to help you and that is probably why he wants to tell your siblings.

He is so afraid for you, that he needs help adjusting, because we are not the only ones who must adjust to our status. I cannot tell you what to do, but from what you describe, it seems you have a rather close family. How might you feel, if your father, had a serious illness and chose not to tell you? Please do not underestimate the power of parents, nor your siblings and assuming you are all close, they almost have a right to know, because you are their brother, they love you and just like your father, they will be unsure on how to help.

I can offer one suggestion and that would be to show him this thread, so he could really understand your feelings. To me, you sound like a great family and while I support you waiting until you are really ready, I think you are losing out on the love and support, that you family is most certainly willing to provide. Family is precious and most people are much stronger than you think, however what matters most, is allowing your family to support you in times of great stress. There is strength in numbers, they love you and if you allow them, they will be there for you.

Joe

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on August 19, 2010, 03:21:24 pm

I'm glad to hear that you've gotten some help and are at least treading water for the time being. You know every little bit of help gets you a little closer to a solution. I just think back about how the AZT make me puke so much and how anemic I got; but those extra months of "living" kept me going till better meds came along. Hang in there, worry about what needs to get handled right now, and try not to stress about stuff too far in the future.

Quote from: ga1964 on August 19, 2010, 02:31:06 pm

I am sooo tired of the pressure to tell my siblings that I have begun wishing I had not told my Dad about my HIV.  All your thoughts and opinions are greatly appreciated.

every one of my friends and family were "mad" at me for not telling them sooner. ::) Every last one of them (including my religious wacko father) thought that my reasonings of not wanting to worry them and worrying what their reaction would be were the dumbest things to ever come out of my mouth. They couldn't understand why I ever believed that they would be anything but supportive and helpful.

Give this some thought though - what are you waiting for?

Do you think waiting till sometime later will make them handle it better (especially knowing it meant you hid it from them)? Do you think waiting and having to deal with that extra stress in your life is going to make you feel better? Hell, if things are so bad right now, can they really get any worse if you tell them? I say tell them soon. Then they'll either be there to help and support you, or their attitude will be just another part of the messed up period of your life that you're going through now. I mean, if they "turn" against you, how would that problem really rate on the meter compared with all those incoming bills or losing your home? Wouldn't it just be a blip? However, if you wait until things in your life are hunky-dory then their attitude could be the only bad issue happening and it would have a lot more weight.

either way you decide, you know people here are keeping you in their thoughts. :-*

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on August 19, 2010, 06:10:19 pm

Quote from: killfoile on August 19, 2010, 03:16:07 pm

I am also a parent, so let me share with you, what your father may be feeling. You are his child, his son and his love for you is unconditional, meaning he lives to see you happy and part of his job, is to make sure that happens. Then you tell him you are poz and his world crumbles. His son, has a serious illness and he is powerless to do anything. He so wants to help, because as a real parent, that is what he is supposed to do. But he has no clue on how to help you and that is probably why he wants to tell your siblings.

I know my father wants to help me, and I understand he's not sure how, but neither do I.  I do know that the constant pressure he puts on me to tell my siblings is pushing me to the edge.  I'm sure my siblings would not turn on me, but I just can't face telling them right now.  It's been 3 years and I thought I would have become more comfortable about them knowing, but I'm not.  I don't know if I ever will be or not for that matter.

Quote from: leatherman on August 19, 2010, 03:21:24 pm

Give this some thought though - what are you waiting for?  you know people here are keeping you in their thoughts.

For my feelings of shame for getting myself in this situation to go away.  I know I probably sound stupid, but its just how I feel.  Being the oldest, I have always been the one that set the example for my younger siblings.  (Some example I've become)  I know that things are different now that we are all older, but I've never been able to let go of that responsibility and now I feel like a complete failure. 

If it was not for the support of the people here, I don't know how I would have made it the past 3 years.  Thank you all.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on August 19, 2010, 07:54:13 pm

Hi Ga ... One thing Joe hit on I think bears repeating is about your father  . He may well be in need of support dealing with your status as well and that's a good reason to consider bringing your siblings into the loop . He wants to help but also has needs of his own to deal with .

I had to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt about my HIV status so I can understand your feelings about it . There came a time for me that I realized that what I was actually dealing with was a much needed lession in humility .

Thanks for the update , I have been thinking about you .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on August 20, 2010, 12:35:14 am

Quote from: jg1962 on August 19, 2010, 07:54:13 pm

Hi Ga ... One thing Joe hit on I think bears repeating is about your father  . He may well be in need of support dealing with your status as well and that's a good reason to consider bringing your siblings into the loop . He wants to help but also has needs of his own to deal with.

I understand and can agree what your saying, and at the risk of sounding selfish, don't I have the right to choose when and to whom I want to disclosed my health condition to?  I understand he may need support dealing with my status and I have told him about this site along with PFLAG and AMFAR, but I don't understand why telling my siblings should over rule my personal feelings on the matter.

Quote from: jg1962 on August 19, 2010, 07:54:13 pm

I had to deal with my feelings of shame and guilt about my HIV status so I can understand your feelings about it . There came a time for me that I realized that what I was actually dealing with was a much needed lession in humility.

I know the environment I was raised in has a lot to do with my shame and guilt for having this virus, but I don't understand the need for a "lesson in humility".  I've never bragged, flaunted or thought I was better than my siblings when times were better, just the opposite, I have always been there for all of my family any hour of the day or night.  I would sacrifice my life if it would protect any member of my family from harm.

Please don't take me as being argumentative.  I don't mean to sound that way and I do thank you for your thoughts.   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on August 20, 2010, 10:37:56 am

Hi Ga , please do not take my comments as criticism . I hear what you are saying and take it very seriously . The last thing I would want to do is hurt a guy who is already feeling down .

When I was going through similar things like you are dealing with it was hard to reach out and except help that I needed . I was the one that useally came through with the help and I was having a major problem asking for the very thing I did willingly and lovingly for others .

I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

Does any of this sound like you ?  . Go back and read what you have shared with us and see .

You actually sound like a lucky man to me , lots of folks would give anything to have such a supportive family .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Denver Toad on August 21, 2010, 01:09:13 pm

Quote

I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

Very well put. This is a journey many of us have had to make. For me, humility doesn't mean lack of strength, rather being strong enough to ask for and graciously accept help.

Thanks JG

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on August 21, 2010, 05:02:40 pm

Quote

Hi Ga , please do not take my comments as criticism . I hear what you are saying and take it very seriously . The last thing I would want to do is hurt a guy who is already feeling down .

No JG, I know you only have good intentions.  I misinterpreted what you said a little.  I have to agree with you after the clarification.  I do deprive my siblings the joy of helping me, but it comes from a lifetime of being the oldest and being there for my younger siblings when they are in need.  Also, because it's easier for me to offer help instead of asking for help.  I know that's "Fuck Up", but that is how I am.  Showing I have faults to them is very hard for me.  I grew up setting the example for them that I never let them see the cracks in m life.  I know this is something I need to work on, but old habits die hard.

I know, for the most part, everyone that has replied to this post only have good intentions and want to help me and I am greatly appreciative for all those that have taken time out of their day to read and reply back when it would be easier to just move on to another post.  Thank you all.

Quote

I was to proud to ask anyone to help me carry the burden and that burden became so heavy that I wanted to die . That's why I needed to become a bit more humble and let the people who love me have the same joy and satisfaction I felt when I was the one doing all the helping .

I understand what you mean by learning to be humble now, and I agree it's a lesson that I need to learn and become comfortable with. But like I said above, old habits die hard.  I've always had a hidden side of me to my family, and it's hard to let those walls down. I put them there to protect me earlier in my life and now I don't know how to live without them.  In the past, if they did not agree with my life I did not let it affect me, the walls were there to protect me from letting it hurt me.  It was easier when I did not care what they thought.  Now that I'm closer to them,  I do care.  I don't want them feeling shame for me for getting this disease.  I know it's Fucked Up, so I guess that means I'm Fucked  Up.

Thanks again to everyone that has taken the time to read and leave their thoughts.  It's greatly appreciated.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on September 13, 2010, 04:43:14 pm

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I can think about is a tombstone with "09/14/64 - 09/14/2010" on it.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on September 13, 2010, 05:46:12 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on September 13, 2010, 04:43:14 pm

Tomorrow is my birthday and all I can think about is a tombstone with "09/14/64 - 09/14/2010" on it.

Well, if you think about it intensely, and intend it to happen, please call 911 or go to the nearest ER.  We don't want to lose you.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on September 14, 2010, 02:19:29 am

It's now the 14th.  46 years ago this morning my life began and over the years life seemed to be full hope for a future filled with love and happiness.  Now, I don't see any of that anymore.  I use to have the energy to fight.   Now, I'm so tired of the fight.   I know my partner and my family love me, more than I deserve.  I don't know why its not enough, but I the constant pain I feel both mentally and physicallly has become more than I can take any more. I don't have the fight in me anymore.       

Now here I am, 46 years later, sitting here in the dark with a drink, a smoke, a cocktail of pills in a bowl, listening to Carrie and Christia to keep me company while everything mixes.  Hopefully this won't take to long to finish.

I want to say thank you to everyone that offered your support to help me.  I wish I could see life through all your eyes.       

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matty the Damned on September 14, 2010, 02:36:20 am

Quote from: ga1964 on September 14, 2010, 02:19:29 am

It's now the 14th.  46 years ago this morning my life began and over the years life seemed to be full hope for a future filled with love and happiness.  Now, I don't see any of that anymore.  I use to have the energy to fight.   Now, I'm so tired of the fight.   I know my partner and my family love me, more than I deserve.  I don't know why its not enough, but I the constant pain I feel both mentally and physicallly has become more than I can take any more. I don't have the fight in me anymore.       

Now here I am, 46 years later, sitting here in the dark with a drink, a smoke, a cocktail of pills in a bowl, listening to Carrie and Christia to keep me company while everything mixes.  Hopefully this won't take to long to finish.

I want to say thank you to everyone that offered your support to help me.  I wish I could see life through all your eyes.       

GA,

Like the others, I would implore you to seek medical attention rather than the course of action you seem to be contemplating.

MtD

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on September 14, 2010, 09:28:55 am

Hi GA,

Anyone who is a thinking and feeling person has times when they're just tired of this life and how tough it can be. So whether it's a comfort to you or not, you have lots of company with the way you are feeling.

If you are feeling like you are going to act on your suicidal feelings, then you do need to go to the nearest emergency room and tell them. Now of course you may say, why would I do that if I want to die. Well, do it anyway even if it seems ridiculous and pointless to you.

Be miserable and stick around anyway. I can absolutely guarantee you there are some good times ahead. No, not all good times, but definitely some that you will be glad you have an opportunity to enjoy. Meantime, i urge you to keep things simple, keep breathing and see what comes next.

Keep us posted on how it's going. And just speak your truth.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on September 14, 2010, 01:22:37 pm

Ok.  I'm still here.  I don't no...too much booze, not enough pills?  It all equalled out to waking up with the worst f*ing headache and a mess to clean up.  Just my f*ing luck.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Ann on September 14, 2010, 01:32:08 pm

Well thank goodness you're still here, GA! I've been worrying about you all day long. Please don't do it again!

Hugs,
Ann
xxx

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on September 14, 2010, 02:22:35 pm

Hi Ga . I'm so glad for the update that you are still with us . I was devastated when I read your post . Please keep coming back .... and I am begging you to reach out for any help you can find to cope .

I have dealt with the kind of depression you describe and almost took my life to escape the pain I thought could never end . I'm better today because someone was there to help see me through to a better day . You are loved and I will not ever give up hoping you are here tomorrow  .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: heartforyou on September 26, 2010, 01:38:07 pm

Another life saved.... adds to mine...

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on September 28, 2010, 11:58:23 pm

Thanks for the encouragement.  I've been feeling better lately. 

I went for new blood work today and got my results from my set of labs.  My CD-4's dropped from 658 to 614.  The N.P. said that it was normal for the numbers to fluctuate some so I'm not stressing about that.  My VL. was still undetectable.  I also got my flu shot while I was there.

Thanks again for being here when I go thru a bad spell. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on September 29, 2010, 02:56:42 am

Its good to hear from you Ga . Im glad you are feeling better !

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: heartforyou on September 29, 2010, 10:50:52 am

GA

Important to know that numbers fluctuate... mine  have gone from 450 to 950 (lowest ever was 7!!!) and everything in between. The usually fluctuate like 50 to80 cells up or down every bloodtest taken.

Good to hear you are picking up your life.
Remember. You don't see or hear us.. but there is many like you out here. I suffer from depression regularely  .. so I know what you talk about.

Keep it up.

xx Hermie

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: BT65 on October 01, 2010, 04:17:51 pm

Ga, I'm so glad you're feeling better.  I know I haven't contributed regularly to this thread, but I always read it, and keep up with it. 

Like Hermie said, some of us here struggle with depression, including yours truly.  I went through years of therapy, and am now on meds specific for depression.  I have a couple friends who I share everything with, which helps with stress, and feeling melancholy. 

I hope you just keep feeling better and better!
 L-Betty

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on October 05, 2010, 02:44:47 pm

Thanks for the support and well wishes.  It helps having you all here when things get stressing. 

I was watching Project Runway the other night and one of the designers (Mondo) opened up about how he had been living with HIV for 10 years and had not told his parents out of fear of their reaction.  It hit so close to home for me.  Even though I've told my parents about my HIV, the feelings he has are very similar to the feelings I have about telling my siblings.  The courage it must have taken to come out about his HIV on TV has made me think that I might be able to drum up the courage to tell my siblings.  No promises yet, but feeling more like I might get to that point sooner than I thought I would.  I've been thinking a lot about it after seeing the way it seemed to lift so much weight off his shoulders. 

Thanks again to all of you that have left your thoughts here to help me when I feel like things are getting too much for me to handle. :)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on October 05, 2010, 04:37:39 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on October 05, 2010, 02:44:47 pm

Thanks for the support and well wishes.  It helps having you all here when things get stressing.  

I was watching Project Runway the other night and one of the designers (Mondo) opened up about how he had been living with HIV for 10 years and had not told his parents out of fear of their reaction.  It hit so close to home for me.  Even though I've told my parents about my HIV, the feelings he has are very similar to the feelings I have about telling my siblings.  The courage it must have taken to come out about his HIV on TV has made me think that I might be able to drum up the courage to tell my siblings.  No promises yet, but feeling more like I might get to that point sooner than I thought I would.  I've been thinking a lot about it after seeing the way it seemed to lift so much weight off his shoulders.  

Thanks again to all of you that have left your thoughts here to help me when I feel like things are getting too much for me to handle. :)






Hi Ga , It takes allot of courage to reach out when you need support , you have already shown amazing courage yourself and that's something to be proud of .

You will know when its the right time to have that talk with the rest of your family . Having that talk must be really important to you because its been a major theme in what you have shared with us so far . I cant help but feel from listening to you that when you decide to have that talk it will be another few steps in the right direction towards healing . Good luck buddy and thanks again for the update .  

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: zach on October 18, 2010, 05:40:25 am

I've only just read the original post. I hope you are still with us. I hope you are healthy and doing well in life. I don't how common thoughts of suicide are, I know I've thought about it at least once everyday since I was tested positive, even the good days. The bad days, I've cleaned every firearm I own, and wondered which one I'd like to use. This weekend was the first time I've really been around others that have AIDS, talked to people who knew what we're all going through. This weekend I also watched that heart breaking "it gets better" speech. Highs and lows, I think they are probably normal. When I get home from work tonight I plan on reading this thread more. Probably not something I should dwell on, but still.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on October 27, 2010, 02:49:56 pm

Hi all.

Thanks for the encouragement jg1962.

Zach I hate that your having some of the same thoughts that I dwell on.  Since being on Celexa the lows seem to be getting farther apart, but they still come. 

Today is one of those days.  Last night I had a hard time getting to sleep.  My mind would not shut down and stayed wrapped around how I'm going to get through the end of the year.  I can't keep up with my bills, I am worried that I'm not going to be able to pay my property tax next month, I worry that I'm about loosing everything, and then there's Christmas coming up.  I have been feeling anxious about having to go through another Christmas like last year.  I have seriously been thinking of not attending Christmas with any of my family. 

Today, I have been fighting to see some reason to continue on, so I have come here to let it out.  Hopefully, it will help just putting it out here.  The good thing is, I only have 1 gun, so I won't have to choose.  I don't know if I would use a gun anyway.  I don't want to leave a mess for someone to have to clean up, but that does not rule out other options that I have thought about. 

When I see an ad for depression on TV and they say that depression hurts, I know what they mean.  I get sick in my stomach, I start to shake, I feel like throwing up, I don't want to be around anyone, I start feeling hate for myself for getting in this situation, I get anxious, I want to hide from everyone and everything.  It all brings me to a point of exhaustion and I want it all to end, by what ever means necessary.  I don't feel joy or happiness often.  I put on an act when I'm in front of others, I smile and laugh, but deep down I'm wishing my life would end.  I don't have a fear of death anymore, it can't come quick enough. 

If there were a "Reset Button" in life, I would have already pressed it.  Not, that I would change everything in my life, but I would make quite a few different choices along the way.  Unfortunately, there is not a "Reset Button", only an "Off Button".           

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on October 27, 2010, 03:20:50 pm

Hi Ga ... Its me the old nag again ... I'm sorry you are having another one of those days .

Living with HIV for so long for the most part has left me without fear of death myself . The biggest challenge I had to over come was my fear of living .

I once felt like a burden and wanted to die , at one point my family picked up on this and enlightened me to the fact that if I truly wanted to burden them then by all means go ahead and kill myself .

They told me that if I did that to myself they would spend the rest of they're life grieving everday and wondering what else they could have done to save me and keep me safe .

There is only so much I can say to you but I just want to remind you again I once felt as you do but I don't anymore , things can and most times do get better .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on October 27, 2010, 03:34:13 pm

Thanks jg1962 for the ray of hope.  Your not an old nag. :)   

I don't want to burden my loved ones with grief for the rest of their lives, but I am so tired of feeling beat in every asspect of my life.  I'm tired of fighting the thought that the best part of my life is over and the rest of it will be fighting the urges to end it.

Thanks again.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: heartforyou on October 27, 2010, 07:07:54 pm

Just today my doctor said that  I am, once more, suffering from depression.
Believe me, I don't want to at all. She said, however, that the meds are surely partially to be  blamed.
Of course I know I have had mild to severe depression all my life and I will for the rest of my life.

I had stopped taking prozac 1 /12 half year ago. But she said it is time for me to be put back on.
The fact that I did not mention my suicidal feelings to my therapist  was to her :  Code red . As then,the act may  be  imminent.

So, I do want to send you all the message : depression obviously is more present with us, infected with HIV and taking meds. But, help is available. Just don't forget it and yes, r force yourself to ask for it.

Hermie :(

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 03, 2011, 03:11:06 pm

Hello and Happy New Year to all.

Sorry I've been out of touch lately, my computer blew up back before Christmas and I had to save up some money to get it repaired.  I was worried about getting thru another Christmas as it was, then to have my computer go out, made my more anxious about getting thru Christmas without being able to come here when my depression kicked into high gear.  I have managed to survive in tact, so I guess that's something to be happy about.  There were a few times I did not know if I was going to be able to endure the holidays, but here I am on the other side of them still kicking.

The holidays were hard enough as it was, but I also ended up filing for bankruptcy.  I go tomorrow for a trustees hearing.  My attorney said it should only be a 5-10 min. questioning session.  Hopefully she is right and it won't be too stressfull.  On top of that I had a bad bout with a cold and I'm still trying to get over it fully.  I still have a persistant cough and today I have had major pain in my lower back.  I have taken some muscle relaxers to try and combat the pain, but they have not helped that much. 

This morning I got a call from the Atripla Assistance Program telling me I needed to re-qualify before the end of the month.  Of course, they want a copy of my 2010 tax return.  I don't know why these programs need re-qualification to be done by Jan. 31st, knowing that most people can't get all their tax information needed to the accountants office until after Jan.31st.  Why can't they make the deadline for re-qualification until after April 15th?  It just seems like common since to me.  It's stressfull enough getting all the info for re-qualifying, but to make a deadline that is impossible to get the info to them in time, is moronic.

Is it just me, or is this ass backwards?

Anyway, Happy New Year to all and may it be a better one than 2010.   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 27, 2011, 11:33:51 am

I don't have a Will at this time and would like to make one.  I don't have the money to pay an attorney, so I was wondering if anybody new a way to make a leagal Will without having to go thru an attorney?  I had thought about making a Video Will on my computer and wanted to know if it would be considered leagal?

I want to make sure that my partner gets whatever assets that my estate has when I'm gone.  I would like to get this done as soon as possible to make sure his intrests are protected and my wishes are carried out as I want them to be, without a big leagal hassle for him.

If anyone knows or has any other suggestions, please respond back.

Thanks.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on January 27, 2011, 12:23:05 pm

Quote from: ga1964 on January 27, 2011, 11:33:51 am

I don't have a Will at this time and would like to make one.  I don't have the money to pay an attorney, so I was wondering if anybody new a way to make a leagal Will without having to go thru an attorney?  I had thought about making a Video Will on my computer and wanted to know if it would be considered leagal?

I want to make sure that my partner gets whatever assets that my estate has when I'm gone.  I would like to get this done as soon as possible to make sure his intrests are protected and my wishes are carried out as I want them to be, without a big leagal hassle for him.

If anyone knows or has any other suggestions, please respond back.

Thanks.

Hi Ga , hope you are feeling better . If you ask your question in the Insurance , Benefits and HIV forum J.R. Gabbard could answer that question I bet , he is an attorney .

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 27, 2011, 02:48:48 pm

Thanks jg.

I will post a thread there.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: MarcoPoz on January 27, 2011, 02:55:17 pm

ga,

You've made it a long way since your first post on this thread--and yep--you've had some rough spots.  Hang in there brother, you're doing well.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on January 27, 2011, 03:05:30 pm

Thanks Marco,

Things have been up and down lately, but I'm trying to hang in.  The past few days has been rough and I can't shake the feelings like I want to throw up when I think about it all.  I feel lost and don't know how I'm going to get thru till next month and the month after.

I do appreciate the support.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: MarcoPoz on January 27, 2011, 03:27:30 pm

ga,

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way.  I'm facing the same emotional nausea for a few reasons myself.  All I can offer is:  Don't let it all gang up on you.  It can be truly overwhelming if we let it get out of hand.  Remember that along with all the frustrations, there are several times each day that you might smile--hold on to those.  Do something good for yourself. 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: drewm on January 27, 2011, 09:20:41 pm

Killing yourself would devastate your family more than this stupid disease! I am being treated for depression but have so far not reached that kind of low. Thanks for sharing but know this, there are many, many people who share your diagnoses and share the difficulties you describe, checking out now will only bring incredible grief to those behind who love you and trust me, there are more than you may know.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on February 18, 2011, 12:39:46 am

Hi all,

I went to my ID. today to follow up on my last labs.  Other than my cholesterol being a little high, he was happy with my labs.  (CD-4s are 658, V/L is undetectable.)  He ask if my depression had gotten worse, (I guess I'm losing the ability to hide or disguise it.)  I told him that I have been having ups and downs, along with my bankruptcy, the economy, slow business, bills coming in faster than the money to pay them, that sometimes it seems like "Whats the use?  Its a losing battle."  We did talk about the meds causing, or at least adding to my depression.  He said with how good my numbers have been on Atripla, that he did not want to switch me to something else.  He said he wanted to increase my Celexa to 60mg/day, (I'm currently taking 40mg./day.), to see if a higher dose will help.  So we'll see what happens over the next few weeks.

I was talking with a friend yesterday that I have told about my HIV and depression.  I told him how I had been having mood swings and thoughts of slitting my wrists.  I know that his response was in jest, but he said, "Go down the road, not across the street."   It reminded me of what my mother would tell me and my sister when we were kids and would be mad about something and say "I'm going to kill myself."  My mother's reply would be "Would you like me to get the knife for you?"  I know she meant it in jest also.  She would also tell us that if someone was serious about killing themselves, that they would not threaten to do it, they would just do it.  And someone that threatened to kill themselves was just wanting attention and was not serious about killing themselves.

So it made me wonder, if someone is thinking of killing themselves and asks for help to prevent doing it, does that mean that they are not serious about doing it?  My other question is, what if I am serious about it?   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: drewm on February 18, 2011, 12:44:34 am

You need to tell your doctor about your suicidal thoughts.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: jkinatl2 on February 18, 2011, 01:31:19 am

If you are serious about it, you need to tell your doctor/therapist. We can, and on occasion have, garnered resources to stop a supposed suicidal attempt or two. Trust me, not easy nor cheap, and emotionally wrecking for all involved (and on AM, what, we are talking a few hundred folks).

If you feel this way, you should not place your life in the hands of a friend who may or may not take you seriously. TALK to a doctor. Fuck, go to an ER and tell the attendant. They will hold you for 72 hours. They will determine whether medications are needed, or whether your chemistry is being compromised in another way. The ball will be set in motion, in other words, for the talk therapy and real interventions that you need.

If you are posting this here, then you do not want to die. What you seem to want, is change. Yes, sure, death is change. But so is a better life. You might not see another way out. An objective third party might be able to do that. At least give that a chance.

Death, far as I know, is a one way street insofar as this admittedly limited worldview is concerned. Just seems more logical to leave more options open, until you are assured beyond all assurance that they are not. It sucks that you have to hitch up your pants and take the lead in this, when you feel at your weakest and most vulnerable. Sucks donkey kongs. But please do it.

Night when I have gotten so dark, and the multiverse has fucked with my head until I am well assured of my insanity, and the world here has more than reminded me of my irrelevance, I look at my three ferrets, who apparently think of me as something between God and Landlord. Who need me, and love me. I think of my very few friends, their assorted dramas, and the fact that they actually love and respect me. These are not things I "hold onto," as the tired adages go. They are things that I would be a total dick to abandon.

Please, I urge you, exhaust all other options before going down the one-way. People who say "suicide is a selfish act" are right, but they are also assholes. Fuck, masturbation is a selfish act. So is some really good sex. So is eating a red velvet cupcake. So what. We perform selfish act all our lives. And in the end, deciding our fate is the one degree of control we have over it.

But if you have anyone, online or off, who needs/loves/likes/offends/wants you, then you have someone else to consider in the equation.

Consider that, at least. And pursue what options there are. Do what I do some weeks when the future looks black as night. Just do the next thing. Doctors appointment tomorrow. Bank. Fill out a form for taxes. make calls. Whatever. Get the next pressing thing off of your plate, and sometimes that makes the difference between an impossible load and... well, just a fucking shitload.

I do wish you nothing but love, nothing but the best.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Ann on February 18, 2011, 06:53:55 am

Does your doctor know you are not only depressed, but suicidal? You started this thread over a year ago and it would seem to be high time you told him the dire truth of how badly you often feel.

I bet he wouldn't think it was a good idea to keep you on the Sustiva component of Atripla if he knew the truth. Get off that stuff before it kills you. The whole idea of having good numbers is to keep you alive. If you kill yourself, what good are the good numbers?

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Assurbanipal on February 18, 2011, 08:21:47 am

Quote from: ga1964 on February 18, 2011, 12:39:46 am

...I guess I'm losing the ability to hide or disguise it....

Letting your doctor see the whole story can play in your mind like a loss of control.  From your prior posts you give a strong sense of being the responsible guy, the one who gets things done and manages everything, the man who is keeping chaos under control.  Telling your doctor and opening up enough so he sees just how hard it is getting feels like giving up.

But it isn't. 

Giving your doctor the whole story is a way of getting help to keep things going, to stay in control.


What if you were to print this thread out and ask your doctor to read it and discuss it with you?

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on February 18, 2011, 01:55:38 pm

Thank you all for your thoughts.

Quote from: Assurbanipal on February 18, 2011, 08:21:47 am

Letting your doctor see the whole story can play in your mind like a loss of control.  From your prior posts you give a strong sense of being the responsible guy, the one who gets things done and manages everything, the man who is keeping chaos under control.  Telling your doctor and opening up enough so he sees just how hard it is getting feels like giving up.

But it isn't. 

Giving your doctor the whole story is a way of getting help to keep things going, to stay in control.


What if you were to print this thread out and ask your doctor to read it and discuss it with you?

Yes, I am a little bit of a "control freak".  Even though I'm younger than my partner, I have always been the more responsible one when it comes to finances and I worry about more things than he does.  I wish sometimes that I could "let go" more like he does, but I guess I'm not wired that way.  I bought our first house when I was 18 and I got my first ulcer when I was like 19 or 20.  He's always lived for "today" and I have always planned for "tommorrow".  I don't know how to "live for today and worry about tommorrow when it comes."  I'm the one that has to say NO to things when we can not afford something.  I'm the one that always "saves for a rainy day" and for the past 4yrs. it has been pouring nonstop.  I don't handle showing my weaknesses very well.  I can do it here because there is a level of anonymity, but to sit face to face and tell someone that I'm not in control is something that I have not been able to change.  It started back when my parents got divorced, I was 6, and my dad tool me that I would have to be "the man of the house now".

I had to create this "illusion" of my life when I was a teenager so that I would "fit" into my parent's idea of what and who I was suppoised to be.  My dad is very religious and my stepfather "was going to make me a man, even if it killed him."  So, I created this facade of who I was to appear "normal" to them and I've lived it for so long I don't know how, not to, when I am around them.  I wish now that I had been able to be honest with them when I was younger, but I felt if I was honest with them that they would have had me committed, because being gay was not acceptable for our "family image".  When I was a teenager the show "Soap" debuted on TV and I related to Billy Crystals' role, and one day I mentioned to my mother that our family seemed to have a lot in common with the Tate family, and her first response was "There's no one gay in our family and people like that were perverts and predators and should be locked up."  At that point, I realized that I could not be honest with my family and I needed to create a persona that I was straight.  I lived that lie for close to 20 years and even tho I have come out to my family, when I'm around them I automatically go into "straight mode".  God, how I wish I could have felt like it would have been OK, back then, to have told them the truth.  Maybe I would be a better adjusted person now.  Who knows? 

I get so exhausted trying to keep up these days and it seems like every time I make a step forward, I end up 5 steps back.  There's times I think about getting in my truck and disappearing forever.  I know I'm not the only one having a hard time in our current economy, but if whats left of my life is going to be fighting just to exist, whats the point?  Hell can't be any worse.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Assurbanipal on February 18, 2011, 03:40:52 pm

I don't know if I can adequately convey how your post rings true for me. 

Different circumstances, but I could have written the emotional content.  I get the need to be self reliant.  Why I'm the guy who fell and broke his wrist in a crowd of 100's of people and then drove himself to the emergency room with one hand.  Alone.  In an ice storm.   I even made the ER folks put their gloves on before I'd open my coat, in case the fracture had gone through the skin (!). But I was in control the whole time...

So.... you aren't alone here.



The thing is, it seems to me that you have backed yourself into seeing this as a binary choice -- either you maintain absolute control or none; keep doing what you've been doing or give up.  But look again; what you have in front of you is not an on off switch. 

It is a dial. 

You don't have to turn the dial all the way to death, hell, absolute loss of control.  You can turn it 10% of the way by asking the doctor to help YOU keep things under control. 

But to do that you need to find an effective way to let him know that it feels like things are getting out of control -- effective for him, so he understands; and effective for you, so that you don't feel too exposed.   Sharing these posts with him is one method that might work, in part because you can put constraints on what he does with the information in advance , but it will convey to him how serious the issue is to you.  Perhaps though, it may not feel right to you.  Do what feels right. 

But remember, it's not a control switch; it's a dial.

Sincerely
A

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on February 20, 2011, 12:49:36 pm

Quote from: Assurbanipal on February 18, 2011, 03:40:52 pm

The thing is, it seems to me that you have backed yourself into seeing this as a binary choice -- either you maintain absolute control or none; keep doing what you've been doing or give up.  But look again; what you have in front of you is not an on off switch. 

It is a dial. 

You don't have to turn the dial all the way to death, hell, absolute loss of control.  You can turn it 10% of the way by asking the doctor to help YOU keep things under control. 

I understand what your saying, but it feels like every time I get up from one set back, I get knocked back down by the next one, and the next, and the next.  It does not seem like it will ever stop.  People say "God will not put more on you than you can handle."  OK, I'm at the end of my rope and can't handle anymore, but have things gotten better?  No.  The hurdles keep getting bigger and bigger and I don't have the energy, or the desire to keep fighting.  In poker they say "Know when to fold.",  I'm ready to fold.  I've created a shitty hand with the cards life has dealt me, and I don't have the energy to bluff anymore.  I'm not saying, I got shafted by life, pity me.  I know I created the hand I have to live with now, but why continue betting on a losing hand.  Why not throw the cards in, cash out, and leave the table?  I don't have anymore "Aces" up my sleeve.

I no longer have a life, just an existence.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 15, 2011, 04:33:48 pm

I want to take this moment to thank everyone that has taken the time to try and help me with my depression.  I can't take it any more, I wish I could.  I hope and pray that no one else has to go through what I have.  I wish I had more strength to fight it, but i don't.  As much as I don't want to hurt the ones that love and care about me, but I don't have any more fight in me.  I'm going to loose everything as it is, so there will be nothing to worry about leaving my partner.  I can only hope and pray that he will be able to find a happier life after I'm gone.  I hope he can find someone that can give him the love that he has given me.  He truly deserves to have someone that can give him what I can't.  Maybe after my estate is settled there will be something left over for him to make a new start.  I hate that I don't have the fight in me to battle everything.

Thanks for helping as much as all of you have, but I have died inside. 

God bless you all.

David.   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Matt39 on March 15, 2011, 05:29:39 pm

Sorry to hear that you are still feeling so bad David.

I've tried to read back on all your posts here as far as I can, and I do see that you have expressed experiencing deep depression as far back as 2007.

But I can't find any posts where you talk about having obtained/been involved in any regular (ie at least once a week) counselling or other kind of psychotherapy.

I can't see how you could possibly move on from the way you have felt for so very long without the kind of help you might get from focussed counselling or therapy.

As useful as Cilexa (Citalopram) is for anxiety and some degree of depression, it certainly cannot solve (and clearly has not solved) what for you seem to be deep rooted ongoing issues.

It sounds from your posts as if you have been fighting on your own, and frankly hardly anyone with deep depression can fight alone.

Maybe you need to try to get help much more directly, and professionally, than just posting here.

Good luck

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Andy Velez on March 17, 2011, 01:11:03 pm

"A little bit of a control freak" is like being a little bit pregnant.

I agree with the suggestion that you level with your doctor about what is going on. If you are unwilling to do that for whatever reason, then get yourself to the nearest emergency room and tell them where you are at.

Even though you can't see any happy solution to your current situation and feelings, and as hard as it maybe to imagine, other people may have other means and ways of helping you out. Even though you doubt that it will help, open yourself to the possibility.

Keep us posted.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Theyer on March 20, 2011, 05:08:14 pm

I hope the intensity off distress has lessen and you have been able to heed Andy,s words. I am sorry life is so differcult
take care
theyer

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 25, 2011, 02:14:16 am

Quote from: Theyer on March 20, 2011, 05:08:14 pm

I hope the intensity off distress has lessen and you have been able to heed Andy,s words. I am sorry life is so differcult
take care
theyer

I had a major meltdown last Friday morning to the point I could not control my emotions or my body for that matter.  All I could to was shake, cry, and went through 2 packs of cigarettes in 2 hrs.  I called my dad before doing anything harmful to myself.  After talking with my Dad for 2 hrs., we decided that I needed to go and talk to see a therapist at the local Behavioral Health Services.  After talking to the therapist, she said I was showing several "Red Flags" and advised me to go into a mental health program for 72 hrs of observation.  I agreed and she arranged for me to get in that evening.  I just got back today and I am feeling much better.  I learned some new coping skills, that I have already started putting into place, and I am going to put others in to place as I soon as I can.  

I know that I have a lot of work to do, and I am now in the right state of mind to work on getting better mentally.  During this past week, I feel like I made a lot of progress, but know I have a lot more work to do.  On my discharge papers, they listed my condition as " Radically Stable".  I took this as them feeling I made a lot of progress.  My Dad wasn't to sure what they meant by "Radical", but I feel they are happy with my improvement.  I decided to embrace the process and did a lot of Group Sessions and feel much better about getting myself back on track.  The crazy thing about it all, I actually met some people that I ended up building a very strong bond with.  We exchanged contact information, even though it was against the rules.  It really surprised me that I made these new friends that I plan to keep in contact with.  Parting with them today was difficult, but I got through it and look forward to seeing them on the outside and giving them the hugs I wanted to when I was leaving, but was not allowed.  

I go to see the therapist, that I met with last Friday, later on today and I will post how things go later this afternoon.  I feel good that she will be able to help me continue to improve.  I let down several walls this past week and plan on working on the other walls that still need to be taken down.  I am even thinking of telling my siblings about my HIV status in the near future, so that I can get that "secret" of my back and behind me.  I'm a little scared, but know I need to do this to help myself to get better mentally.

I want to thank you all for being patient with me, encouraging me to get help and giving me advice over the past few years.  I guess I had to hit rock bottom and have this melt down to get me to seek help.  I am in a much better frame of mind now and feel like, over time, I can continue to get a better grasp on things, mentally, and find myself again.  I know tearing down my walls will take some time, but with the help of the therapist and some hard work, I think I can get there.  I apologize for taking so long getting to this point and putting you all on my emotional rollercoaster.  I thank you for not giving up on me.

Quote from: Andy Velez on March 17, 2011, 01:11:03 pm

"A little bit of a control freak" is like being a little bit pregnant.  

I understand what you mean and will work on letting go of my "Control Freak" habits.

Thanks again,

A happier David.              

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: phildinftlaudy on March 25, 2011, 08:15:01 am

Hi David:
Glad you are feeling better.
Continue the therapy - I went for three years straight many years ago - and even though I sometimes had to drag myself there (it was a 30 mile ride each way) - I felt so much better after each appointment.  It was literally the best gift I ever gave myself. 

I almost think that it should be a requirement for everyone to get a bit of therapy in their lifetime (naw, I'm not a control freak or anything like that, now am I?  LOL)

While there may be ups and downs, hopefully, they will level off.  I am a firm believer that meds without therapy just doesn't work - but the right combination of both can work wonders.

Keep on keepin on - and thanks for showing others that therapy and taking care of one's self is possible.

-Phil

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: SteveInToronto on March 25, 2011, 08:31:29 am

Thank you for updating us on your great progress. I was very worried about you ever since your lat post, and am glad you are moving forward in a very positive way.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 25, 2011, 09:34:02 am

Hi Ga , congratulations on the progress , it truly warms my heart to hear it . 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: emeraldize on March 25, 2011, 09:50:50 am

Great to read of your progress and how good to know you made some new friendships while there (despite the rules!)

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: skeebo1969 on March 25, 2011, 10:39:19 am

    Thanks for the update David, keep moving forward.

   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on March 25, 2011, 11:21:52 am

Quite frankly, I've been worried for some time that one day we would hear sad news about you, so I'm very glad to hear that you took steps to seek help. Having already made some progress makes this even better news that you've given us. Good luck with more progress in the future; and remember, we're always here for you and cheering you on. ;D

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Assurbanipal on March 25, 2011, 12:44:55 pm

David

I was so happy to see you feeling better and posting here.  Thank you for letting us know how you are feeling.

A

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 27, 2011, 02:05:44 am

Thanks for the positive encouragement.

I had my first session Friday and ended up talking for about 4 1/2 hrs.  She also gave me several things to read and a questionare to fill out with information on my thought patterns.  I read all information and filled out the questionare.  I'm going to take it back on the 6th so the therapist that will be taking over can use it as a tool to help me help myself.  I like the therapist that saw me Friday, but she is handing me off to a different therapist.  I'm going to give her a chance, but if I start feeling like she it is not working out I'm going to ask the therapist that I saw Friday if she will take over.  I'll keep my fingers crossed. 

I will keep posting to keep everyone up to date on how things progress from here.  Your support and thoughts are important to me and I thank everyone for taking the time to give me your thoughts.  I'll try to stay positive and keep working on my mental health.  I want to feel alive again.  With your support and going to therapy, I hope to be able to achieve that goal.  I know it will take a lot of hard work on my part, but with a little luck I will get there.

Thanks,

David.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on March 27, 2011, 02:16:05 am

Thanks for the updates David , please keep them coming . I was very worried about you for quite awhile . When I read stories like yours its a reminder what a positive impact these forums can and will continue to have for those of us that rely on them . I want to thank you for being brave and strong enough to keep coming back and sharing with us . 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on March 27, 2011, 02:47:01 am

Thanks jg,

I don't know if I would have made it to today without the support here.  It hate that it took a melt down to get me to seek help, but I have been known to be stubborn in my life.  I'll try to work on that also.  I have some anxiety about some of the bridges I am going to have to cross, but if it gets the "me" I used to be, it will be worth it.  There are some things in my past that I chose to "blocked out", so as not to have to feel the pain it caused.  I really don't want to have to relive it again. 

For now, I'll take it one step at a time.



 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on April 18, 2011, 01:50:44 am

When I saw the psychiatrist the other week he added Cymbalta to the Celexa I am already taking.  He said it could take up to 6 weeks to take full effect.  I have been on it for 2 weeks now, but I haven't noticed any change yet.  :-\   I guess I just have to be patient.

I go in for my 2nd. therapy session today, the 1st. was more of an assessment session.  I'm trying to stay optimistic, but I have also been feeling anxious about it.  I don't know why, I just have.  :-\  Hopefully I'll feel better about therapy after I get done with this session.    

    

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on April 19, 2011, 01:46:33 am

I had a noon appointment with my therapist today.  I got there around 11:50 to make sure I was not late.  I signed in and sat down in the waiting area to be called back.  At 12:30 I hear my name called. I went up to the window and the lady said she wanted to make sure I was still there and told me that it would be a few more minutes.  I finally got to see the therapist at 1:50.  We started going over some worksheets she had given me from my last appointment to fill out.  After about 30 minutes, she scheduled my next appointment and sent me out. 

It was my understanding that my session would be an hour long.  I had waited an hour past my original appointment time only to be given a 30 minute session.  How f*cked up is that?  Good thing I wasn't having a "crisis".  In the end I came out with the same amount of insight as I walked in with.  I know its going to take some time to for her and I to work through my problems, but making me wait a hour for a half hour session, so she could get back on schedule, makes me wonder if this is going to turn out like the other times I've tried therapy.  A waste of my time.  What's the f*cking point?   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: mecch on April 20, 2011, 08:00:20 am

Are you sure this is "therapy" that is available, and not mental health screening and appropriate medication?
The next time you see the therapist, you should ask her point blank what sort of therapy will be offered, what objectives, what timing, length of sessions, how many sessions, etc etc.
You have a right to ask this of the therapist and also the clinic or health service that is offering the "therapy".

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on April 20, 2011, 11:41:26 pm

Quote from: mecch on April 20, 2011, 08:00:20 am

Are you sure this is "therapy" that is available, and not mental health screening and appropriate medication?

I'm beginning to wonder.  The therapist that I saw when I melted down and the therapist I saw after I got out of observation talked to me, not just ask questions and type on her computer.  Hell, as far as I know she could have been checking her e-mail.  When I got out of observation I was supposed to have an appointment with the therapist I saw the day I melted down, but when I went to that appointment, she passed me off to a different therapist.  After having a 3 hr talk, she made me an appointment with the therapist that has seen me the last two times.  I'm beginning to feel like they have passed me from someone that I feel could help me and passed me off to someone that I feel could care less if I get better or not.

To top everything off.  I get a call from the clinic with a message that I had missed my appointment and it "could result in me not getting the Cymbalta and Neurtrontin that they have prescribed me."  I called them back and told them what I went thru Friday and how my session was cut in half.  The lady on the phone checked and saw that I had been in and said that she would note that I did show up and said that the therapist "Must have made a mistake when she reported that I had missed my appointment."

Quote from: mecch on April 20, 2011, 08:00:20 am

You have a right to ask this of the therapist and also the clinic or health service that is offering the "therapy".

What should I expect, I have no insurance and no money to pay someone that could help me?  I have to settle for a government employee that could care less if I improve or not.  She probably would rather I kill myself, so she would not have the paper work.

This is why they say "LIFE'S A BITCH AND THEN YOU DIE !"   >:(

I filed for Food Assistance today.  I could tell the "ladies" at the front desk were thinking "What thiis? This white man thinks we will give him assistance.  Ain't that special?"  I'm anxously awaiting for them to call me to set up an appointment with a Case Worker.  But I really need the assistance.

Thanks for your advice.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: ga1964 on May 23, 2012, 03:54:07 am

It's been over a year since I last posted, or even been on the site.  I got the feeling that I was more of a nuisance to everyone, so I stopped posting.  Over the past year I agreed to admit myself into, what I thought was Mental Help Center to get a grip on the issues I had been dealing with, only to find out when I got there, it was a Drug Rehab Center, so I ended up spending 5 days learning more about drugs than I ever cared to know and did not getting the help I was looking for.  Since then, I have been seeing a therapist every 2 weeks and a Psychiatrist once a month and I feel like I'm still in the same place, mentally, as I was last year.  I opened up myself to my therapist hoping that I could change how I was feeling.

My Psychiatrist has had me on different medication over this time (Paxil, Welbutrin, Celexa, and Cymbalta currently), and they seem to work for the first couple of weeks, but then I fall back into deep depression.  I have been having suisidal thoughts alot lately.  I try to battle these thoughts and nothing seems to work.  Last month my depression got so bad I could not leave my therapist office when my session was over.  I finally got up and left and all I could think about was running my truck head on into a tree or utilty pole as fast as I could.  I can't tell you what stopped me, but I'm still here, for now.

Yesterday started off well, but by noon, I could not stop thinking about ending it all and the different ways of doing it.  Last month I got so depressed that I could not get the energy to get out of bed.  I have also been battleing ensomnia like I am tonight, (actually this morning) because it's 3:00 am. now.  My Psychiatrist put me on Ambian to help me sleep, but here I am at 3:00 am. writing this.  I have an appointment on Thursday to see my Psychiatrist and I discuss it with him.  Last month I talked to him about it and he said I was on the highest doseage recommended.  Everytime I take my medicine, I wonder why I'm taking it at all.  I know if I stop taking my meds, I would get the outcome that is in my head.  I think to myself, why bother taking the meds, everytime I take my meds. 

I am sooooo tired of the place in life in which I am now and would be happy if I did not wake up when I do get to sleep.  I don't know what else to do at this moment.  I have woken up drenched in sweat in bed and had to change the sheets in the middle of the night.  On time the  sheets were so wet, I thought I had a hole in my waterbed. 

It's been over a year now going to therapy, and I still feel like there is nothing worth "living", more like existing, for.  I need something to change, so I could feel like there are happy times ahead and life will be worth living.  I know if I don't get that soon, I won't be able to trust myself, not to end it all.

Sorry if this makes me a nuisence to some.  I just needed to get it out

Thanks in advance  for any oppinions or thoughts about this.   

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: Jeff G on May 23, 2012, 01:04:58 pm

Hi Ga , I'm sorry to hear you are still struggling with your depression . I have no idea what resources you have available but if you feel like getting a second opinion or changing therapist there may be no harm in doing so . If you don't like what you find you can always go back to the doctors you are currently seeing . I'm wishing you the best of luck . 

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: spacebarsux on May 24, 2012, 03:45:12 pm

Hi GA1964, just wanted to chime in and say that I hope you can find an effective way to keep your mental demons in check, and that things start looking up for you.

We're all here for you. Don't ever think you're a nuisance or anything of the sort, because that's simply untrue. 

Take care, hugs.

Title: Re: I want to die.
Post by: leatherman on May 24, 2012, 07:15:19 pm

Quote from: spacebarsux on May 24, 2012, 03:45:12 pm

We're all here for you. Don't ever think you're a nuisance or anything of the sort, because that's simply untrue. 

I totally agree with space! You're not a nuisance. It's just very hard for any of us to actually do much for you via cyberspace and that frustrates us. I wish I could wave a magic wand to fix things for you; but if I could do that, I'd be waving that wand for myself. ;) I, like many others, continue to hope that you can find solutions to some of your problems and be able to fend off the depression that afflicts you.

 :-* and hugs!