tell me a lie

[CalvinC]

I've got a case of the Pity-me's and I stupidly put on "Tell me a Lie"

Tell me a lie
When our night is almost over
And make it easy on us both
When it’s time for you to go
Come on, tell me a lie
Say you’d really like to stay
Just tell me one more lie
That you’ll be back one day

I remember the nights I spent, awake at 2am, looking at my ex fast asleep beside me and wondered how much I'd have to bargain to sell my soul to make this single moment last my lifetime. Obviously, I couldn't meet the devil's price.

Andrew, still trying to figure out what having hiv and losing boyfriends is supposed to mean.....

[Oceanbeach]

Dear Andrew,

I just woke up alone as I have every morning for the last 6 years.  I will get back to you on this after coffee and a ride in the country in an open convertible (with my dog).  Have the best day
Michael

[Oceanbeach]

Dear Andrew,

In times like these, a tune that works for me is, "Only a Fool."  It is written and performed by Karla Bonoff.  the lyrics go:

Well baby whate are you trying to prove
By being alone
And no one can get through to you
Is there anyone home?

The chorus is the best part:

So don't say it's love you lacked
We paid the price now and we are paying the tax
I gave it all, I got nothing back
Only a fool gives a heart like that

The second verse:

Well, I said you never gave enough
And I know that it's true
I see now that you never gave it up
So you'ld have nothing to lose

Second chorus:

I know that I need you
And that I made you scared
If I'd known how to reach you
But I'm givin up, it's too late to care

Well I guess it's really over now
And this is where I belong
And baby, you know it's kind of funny how
All the tears made me strong

Repeat first chorus. fade to black

If that doesn't work, you can knock him silly with "My Funny Valentine" but that tune requires a 6 octive range and it is very unforgiving.  Have the best day
Michael
(who can sing the blues)

www.Commission-on-AIDS.org

[CalvinC]

Thanks, Michael. That song is the perfect antedote.

Day after day, I resist "sad songs" because they simply affirm misery. But yesterday I was down and it was all I could do to stop from crying. So I played Tell Me A Lie, followed by George Michael's A Different Corner.

Fact is, he's gone, but my mind keeps playing tricks, magical thinking, going through scenarios when he comes back, if only to apologize for being such a shit. But that would be a lie too--it isn't going to happen. I have to close the door that he himself would not close.

Andrew

[Joe K]

Hey Andrew,

I sure can relate to those empty feelings.  About six years ago, my last relationship ended when Jeff finally got himself jailed for domestic violence.  I'd had enough and he had to go and the only one to do that was me.  The problem was I still loved him, but I hated the man he had allowed himself to become.  Of course, the drinking and cocaine didn't help much either.  But no matter what I wanted, I lost that relationship and I had to mourn that loss.

I believe that is what you are doing now.  When I did it, I cried for months and listened to emotional music and I'd just cry louder.  Funny thing, after a few months, I started to get angry, not at him, but at me.  I was still allowing him to have control over me and the only way to be free was for me to end the mourning.

My point is that losing a partner is major, it's a loss and you need to mourn that loss, in your own time.  I don't think the cosmos is attempting to send you any message about getting HIV and losing a partner, that's just life and too often bad things happen to good people.

So forget what others are telling you and decide what is right for Andrew.  Mourn your loss and then steel yourself to move on and make the life that you want.  Yes mourning is healthy and necessary, unless it becomes excessive.  What you are feeling and expressing seems perfectly normal to me.

A loss is a loss and it affects each of us differently.  So I will just leave you with a simple question.  If this guy thought so little of you to leave you, why are you mourning his leaving?  He didn't deserve you and so get over him and move on.  For now, let your heart guide you and don't make any major decisions.

Find diversions and get out and socialize and rebuild whatever life you want.  I figure you can wallow in this for another couple of weeks, but after that, you'll need a slap upside the head.

Andrew, if the relationship was not strong enough to accept your status, then in my opinion, it wasn't much of a relationship, and it would only be a matter of time, before it imploded over some other issue.

We both know you deserve better.