Author Topic: Anal cancer (Read 7887 times)

PozJeepGuy · « **on:** December 27, 2011, 09:54:53 pm »

So I have the ever so lovely pleasure tomorrow to go for a anal biopsy. I'm already so tired from the last year of driving a hour each way to go to the doctors, first of meds were a train wreck, my HIV loving to eat my testosterone, 30lbs lost in the last year, and working 60-70 hours plus a week, hospitalized for a week due to giradia, and now hemorrhoids so bad I had to see the doctor which leads me now to this biopsy tomorrow. If this biopsy comes back With anything I have to say I'm done. At this point I am coming to find peace in the thought of letting this run it's course and when it's time to go it's time to go. I recently told my family this and needless to say that didn't go over well. I have been in Councling over a year and just can't seem to come to terms with all this. At this time I am so fed up. Just needed to share and get this off my chest. Thanks

next2u · « **Reply #1 on:** December 27, 2011, 10:41:13 pm »

The journey is not easy. Keep us posted on the results. I hope the biopsy does not reveal cancer.

I hope the others will have something more positive or informative to say. All I got is you only got one life might as well ride it out to the fullest.

Btw, my surgeon probed me today. Looks like I have a lil follow up of my own. May we both end up with the best possible results given the situation.

Kind regards,
D

Hellraiser · « **Reply #2 on:** December 27, 2011, 11:32:35 pm »

Quote from: PozJeepGuy on December 27, 2011, 09:54:53 pm

So I have the ever so lovely pleasure tomorrow to go for a anal biopsy. I'm already so tired from the last year of driving a hour each way to go to the doctors, first of meds were a train wreck, my HIV loving to eat my testosterone, 30lbs lost in the last year, and working 60-70 hours plus a week, hospitalized for a week due to giradia, and now hemorrhoids so bad I had to see the doctor which leads me now to this biopsy tomorrow. If this biopsy comes back With anything I have to say I'm done. At this point I am coming to find peace in the thought of letting this run it's course and when it's time to go it's time to go. I recently told my family this and needless to say that didn't go over well. I have been in Councling over a year and just can't seem to come to terms with all this. At this time I am so fed up. Just needed to share and get this off my chest. Thanks

Very disheartening to hear anyone talk like this. As for "letting it run its course" I can't even begin to tell you what a mistake that would be. Have you ever seen late stage AIDS? It is in no way an easy way to go. This is ignoring the fact that you are far too young and healthy to give up on life. I'm in a much much worse position than you health wise and I've fought tooth and nail from a hospital bed, to my parents couch when I could barely walk because of anemia and wasting, to working a job I hated for insurance, to get back to somewhat of a normal life now. It's hard but life is hard and the struggle only makes us stronger. Buck up kiddo nothing is that bad.

Rhaegar · « **Reply #3 on:** December 28, 2011, 12:25:05 am »

I'm sorry you're going through this. I hope it turns out to be nothing. *hugs*

tednlou2 · « **Reply #4 on:** December 28, 2011, 12:51:10 am »

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well for you now. Why the title of "Anal Cancer?" At this point, you don't know whether that is the case, right? Even if something is found, you will probably have found it early enough.

I wish you all the best. I think (hope) you're just venting and this isn't something you're really considering. Keep in touch with us here. Do you feel you have a good therapist/psychiatrist? Perhaps you need once a week appointments. I realize travel and insurance can be a barrier for that, but you need to do something.

Hugs,
Ted

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #5 on:** December 28, 2011, 01:09:13 am »

I say it now because I can't sleep and pacing thinking about tomorrow and trying to vent. I'm hoping for the best and planning for the worse. I'm just tired of honestly my ass hurting. I can't laugh about it anymore. 3 weeks of bleeding and pain. Due to the Christmas holiday this was the first appointment with this specialist after my Id doc found the lump down there.

I keep reading you guys saying it will get better and I have held on to those words. It's been over a year now and it just doesn't seem to get any better. I'm lonely, tired, and honestly I don't want to physically hurt anymore. It's wearing me down to the point where these fucking nasty thoughts come into head. I miss being happy and seeing life with endless possibilities.

Since2005 · « **Reply #6 on:** December 28, 2011, 01:27:10 am »

I agree with Ted, you don't know if it is Anal cancer. Hope not, if it is, then you have got it caught at prolly early stage I hope.

If it makes you feel any better, it is not very uncommon for docs to send 'gays' for these types of tests just to be on the safe side. I have got mine coming up soon. They needed one more testing just to confirm if it is in fact 'anal cancer'. I had one lab tests done and something there might have triggered to go on see a specialist about it. What can I do worrying about it? I will go to the doc and take it from there. Hope its not any cancer but will deal with it when it comes.

Venting is good. it helps but it would also help even more if you start seeing a therapist ( which I believe you are if I am not mistaken). In anyways, I hope things do get better for you. Good luck for tomorrow.

Since2005

Edited to add: If I were you, I would take one day at a time. That's what my therapist tells me. I know it's easier said than done. That helps me sometimes to ease up the burdens of my shoulder.

Theyer · « **Reply #7 on:** December 28, 2011, 06:27:12 am »

Its the time for yearly reviews, books films .....health.If the year has been spent battling illness the weight off the review is at times overwhelming for me.I have to get back to Thinking about the situation in terms off today ,tomorrow .Some off those days will be spent feeling the accumulated burden off the year but With effort I can sometimes package it up to today with tomorrow being better because I got through today.

I need rest periods during ongoing illness , rest from fighting it and some times that is flopping down and being overwhelmed with the cost and giving my self the day to just get throe.

From what you have said your in diagnostic limbo ----ill but with no precise diagnosis why. Either you will get the diagnosis,treatment will follow and your path to health will be clearer , or your symptoms will be treated better , your Cells will gradually improve and so will your health , maybe not to the point when you began to get ill, there is ageing and side effect damage to manage for lots but a whole lot better than you were.

These periods are hard . I during mine have to rest from the struggle . I see from the tone off what you have posted a state off mind I get that tells me I have to rest. At the time the feeling , that this is forever is challenged by the decision to rest . That mind note that a feeling off illness forever is only temporary took a time to understand but it does help me throw some very dark times.

You have managed a year off ill health ,so you have firm evidence off your strength.
Take care with best possable wishes to you
theyer

spacebarsux · « **Reply #8 on:** December 28, 2011, 08:34:44 am »

Quote from: PozJeepGuy on December 28, 2011, 01:09:13 am

I keep reading you guys saying it will get better and I have held on to those words. It's been over a year now and it just doesn't seem to get any better. I'm lonely, tired, and honestly I don't want to physically hurt anymore. It's wearing me down to the point where these fucking nasty thoughts come into head. I miss being happy and seeing life with endless possibilities.

I have been in that dark abyss and I can understand the effort it takes to crawl out of it.

But the fact is, nearly all limitations are self-imposed. All the possibilities of life are still yours provided you lift the cloud of pessmism that is colouring your judgment. Yeah, so some doors will close but others will open instead.

Perhaps, you could start by changing the title of this thread to anal biopsy instead of using the word Cancer?? Just a suggestion.

Best wishes and a very Happy New Year.

Realist · « **Reply #9 on:** December 28, 2011, 09:49:45 am »

PJG,

I too have just had a year of medical shit to deal with (that's the only way I can describe it). It wears you down, of course it does, but that doesn't mean it won't end, and in a way that doesn't mean giving up on yourself for good. I did a few things to help me through: I blogged without even caring if anyone read it (link is on my profile somewhere); I laughed at the absurdity of my situation on occasion; I stepped back and then forward when I needed to etc.

Each of us is different but giving up cant be the answer? You need to find that thing that will help you through, if you focus on that search, your journey will be easier.

Take care.

WillyWump · « **Reply #10 on:** December 28, 2011, 11:02:55 am »

Hey Jeep,

I know you've had a tough time over the past year or so, but let's not start throwing in the towel. You dont know if it's cancer, there may be nothing there, we dont know yet. Maybe its just a couple little polyps that they will zap off.

I know it's difficult, but try to be optimistic about these things

-Will

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #11 on:** December 28, 2011, 11:04:20 am »

This is why I like sharing here, I feel like some of you get it and that helps so much. I'm so nervous as I am packing up here and getting ready to start the drive to Denver. Yes the cancer word was a little much but last night that's all I had stuck in my head. I was just telling my counselor last week that I need to find a passion again. My whole life my career was my passion but since I found out that just hasn't been enough.

Yes this feels like limbo. I have always followed my doctors advice and I have done what I have been told. Took the pills I'm suppose to take, I don't party or drink. I do smoke my medical weed ( yeaaa colorado).

Alright at this point I'm rambaling. Off to see the wizard.

Thank you guys for listening, advice, and the words of wisdom. Keep your fingers crossed

Jake

Joe K · « **Reply #12 on:** December 28, 2011, 11:30:05 am »

Hey Jake,

I'm sorry to hear you are having a hard time right now. I won't judge your situation because I am not you, however you need to understand that you are the only one who can make all of this manageable. You mention counseling and I'm curious if your therapist has helped you develop tools to deal with your anxiety? Therapy can very beneficial, but it takes time for major breakthroughs and you need various tools so you can maintain the quality of that therapy.

You seem to view so many things as either white or black, without considering there are an infinite number of grays between those extremes and that view can be very hard to reconcile with your reality. I know you want to feel better, both physically and mentally, and I question whether you are really getting the help that you need. Medical issues hit everyone, regardless of status, because we are biological entities. It's normal to hate being sick and to get tired after a prolonged illness, however you have experienced none of that, yet you talk like someone who has been ill for decades.

I also caution you about using your illness as a weapon against your family and friends. Exactly what purpose did you hope to achieve by telling your family that you were going to stop treating yourself? Even if you feel that way, why would you put them through something like that, when you have such dramatic mood swings? Situations like these are why you need some tools to help you control your feelings and moods. A year is more than enough time to see some success in therapy and maybe you should consider switching therapists. I see a therapist that is about my age and a Lesbian, so she lived through the early years of AIDS and knows what it feels like to be gay. Her additional perspectives are invaluable in my treatment and maybe you need to find someone who is more familiar with your issues.

As to the rest, how you choose to live your life, well that is your decision and yours alone. I think you may not even know what it is you fear, because what we think are real issues, can be just subsets of other major issues. However, none of that matters if you are ready to throw in the towel every time the going gets rough. Jake, I can't imagine what scares you so much about living with HIV or just living in general. You have so much going for you, yet you are so unhappy and I think that when you identify what you truly fear, a lot of your other issues will become much clearer.

I believe in you Jake and I hope that someday you will also believe in you. As much as I feel your pain, I cannot understand why you limit yourself to what you think you cannot do, rather than allowing yourself to rise to the challenge. We have so many options in dealing with the challenges of living. The question you need to answer is quite simple. Do you want to live the best life you can? Once you begin to answer that question, I think many of your other issues will become clearer. Only you can decide if you are strong enough to live. Dying is the easy part of living. You are much stronger than you will ever know, but you may never know, especially if you stop trying. Is that how you really see yourself? Unworthy of leading a happy and meaningful life. If so, that may be the best place to start.

Joe

peternay81 · « **Reply #13 on:** December 28, 2011, 01:03:04 pm »

I understand you perfectly I too feel lonely as hell from time to time and at one time tought I had some sort of anal cancer too... But I tell you my friend the more you worry the more your heart will ache, your truth is not what your going through, I promise you that things will be fine and you will be back on the wagon in no time, we are survivers and suffer when a bad news comes but eventually come arround to being the brave people that we are... I I were there I would give you a great big hug and tell you how much you are not alone. My heart goes out to you and God Bless You. PETE

buginme2 · « **Reply #14 on:** December 28, 2011, 01:07:51 pm »

Anxiety I understand. HIV sucks.

Know that Anal Cancer is very rare. Yes it affects pos gay guys more than everyone else, but it's still relatively rare. It's more likely to be precancerous cells which is treatable. Or possibly hemorrhoids.

Keep us posted, stay strong!

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #15 on:** December 28, 2011, 03:21:40 pm »

So good news no nasty cancer. Because of the giardia I have what they call a fisher and there are some pulps that need to be removed but because my CD4 is low she didn't want to do surgery. Which I have to say shocked me to hear. I didn't realize that 579 was considered low. So it's a different cream now more pain pills and the saga continues. I so need a vacation.

This is just another thing that makes me feel so ... Ugly. I don't know if that's the right word. So now heading back home to take a hot bath and just go to bed.

mikeyb39 · « **Reply #16 on:** December 28, 2011, 03:46:26 pm »

Hi bud
glad to hear the good news or comforting news rather definitely not ugly but i understand the feeling

bmancanfly · « **Reply #17 on:** December 28, 2011, 04:26:16 pm »

Glad to hear that it's not cancer.

So, how are the new meds doing. You never said how things are going in that area.

Hoover · « **Reply #18 on:** December 28, 2011, 04:44:01 pm »

Great news!
Our guest house is free if you need a vacation in the tropics.

Hoover

next2u · « **Reply #19 on:** December 28, 2011, 09:22:24 pm »

Congrats!!!! Did your doctor give you a cd4 threshold for the surgery?

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #20 on:** December 28, 2011, 10:14:29 pm »

It's funny you ask that because my id doc asked the same question so I'm going to call back tomorrow and ask.

I haven't started the new med routine yet. My CD4 is 579 viral load is 44,000 with 31%. So the Id doc said I can wait till my next visit which is February.

Hoover man would I love to take you up on that. God I could so so use a get away. However I am settling for a week off starting January 4.

You know it's hard enough dating and telling folks your positive. Add something like this and for a big old bottom like me it makes it impossible. The whole reason I started this thread was the other night I'm sitting here alone just wishing I had someone to just let me lay my head on his chest and just be told it will be OK. I don't regret moving to Colorado and starting over, I just didn't have it in my head starting over with HIV. The last year has just been crazy. Besides the whole medical crap it's just hard on its own starting over in a whole new place with little friends and little support.

I really want to say thank you to you guys. You were my chest to lay on and you all told me it will be OK and I so so needed that.

Mp11 · « **Reply #21 on:** December 28, 2011, 10:51:00 pm »

Jake-

Glad to hear you are coping well. I had my fun little biopsy a few weeks ago and got the "pre-cancerous" diagnosis, so I have escaped to your state (CO) for a respite before seeing what the surgeon would do. They implied that my 374 was not a barrier to sugery since HAART was otherwise working. (I since got a Christmas gift finding my numbers much better). I'm hoping you'll find your numbers to not be much of a barrier either.

Take it one day at a time and hopefully both of us will be, um, clear down there soon.

TonyDewitt · « **Reply #22 on:** December 28, 2011, 10:57:03 pm »

PJG - certainly congratulations and God bless you! Your subject contains two scariest words I could ever think of. I hope that you continue to do well in the new year!

Buckmark · « **Reply #23 on:** December 28, 2011, 11:00:39 pm »

Jake,

I'm glad this didn't turn out to be anal cancer. Given that you had girardia earlier this year, it sort of follows that you could have some unfortunate after-effects.

Things will be OK. Look at all you've been through this year. Moving to a new city. Being diagnosed with HIV. Bad side-effects of medication. Girardia.

And through all of this, you are still here.

It'll get better.

Regards,

Henry

Theyer · « **Reply #24 on:** December 30, 2011, 08:23:23 am »

.

I really want to say thank you to you guys. You were my chest to lay on and you all told me it will be OK and I so so needed that.
[/quote]

Now thats a thank you .
all the best
t

wolfter · « **Reply #25 on:** December 30, 2011, 09:12:32 am »

So glad this crisis was averted. Please don't take any of my comments as criticism because if I didn't care I wouldn't waste my time. I've liked you since we first joined these forums and I truly wish you the best.

It's difficult for me to hear people talking of "throwing in the towell" before fighting to maintain this existence. Many of us here lived through the dark periods where our loved ones didn't have a towell to hold on to. I watched many bravely fight to the very end. I fought hard against the odds to maintain my existence. You owe it to yourself to do everything that is possible to have the best possible life possible.

It's time to finally work on the crux of the issue. I'm fortunate to not have to add depression/mental health issues to the mix, but I do know it's possible to thrive despite those issues. You have several decades ahead of you and can still achieve all those goals you had for yourself. The old saying holds true; plan plans, not results.

Straight HIV- people deal with crisis too. It's not the crisis, but rather our reactions to it. Deal with it head-on and do all that's needed to thrive. It's always better than the alternative. That's always my reaction to anyone who says that life sucks.

I fought hard to maintain a PMA (positive mental attitude) and at times, thought I didn't have any fight left. I've always pulled somewhere from deep within to develop the fortitude to plow ahead. You can achieve the mindset that is required to fight this virus along with all the other challenges life brings. Tis the nature of life.

Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

Wolfie

Billy B · « **Reply #26 on:** December 30, 2011, 12:01:35 pm »

Quote from: PozJeepGuy on December 28, 2011, 03:21:40 pm

So good news no nasty cancer. Because of the giardia I have what they call a fisher and there are some pulps that need to be removed but because my CD4 is low she didn't want to do surgery. Which I have to say shocked me to hear. I didn't realize that 579 was considered low. So it's a different cream now more pain pills and the saga continues. I so need a vacation.

This is just another thing that makes me feel so ... Ugly. I don't know if that's the right word. So now heading back home to take a hot bath and just go to bed.

Jake,
I am curious as well about 579 being low because my ID has always told me that 500 is the bottom side of normal. I am not even close to your cd4 numbers after nearly two years on meds and would love to have them. I recently had some outpatient surgery and my numbers were fine as far as the doctor was concerned.
Peace Brother,
Billy

Joe K · « **Reply #27 on:** December 30, 2011, 01:59:35 pm »

Quote from: wolfter on December 30, 2011, 09:12:32 am

It's time to finally work on the crux of the issue. I'm fortunate to not have to add depression/mental health issues to the mix, but I do know it's possible to thrive despite those issues. You have several decades ahead of you and can still achieve all those goals you had for yourself. The old saying holds true; plan plans, not results.

As someone who suffers from mental illness, I have to take exception to your comment noted above. Mental illness can be incredibly complex and it affects sufferers in terms of mental abilities as well as physical issues. To suggest to someone that they can overcome those issues is not always realistic and in a way is somewhat hurtful. You do not suffer from mental illness, so you can never know how difficult a struggle it can be for someone. I know you mean well, but for someone with mental illness and especially depression, our thought process becomes skewed and can even alter our perceptions of reality. To suggest that mental illness can always be overcome is simply not true. Fortunately, there are many ways to manage mental illness, especially temporary issues, but deep seated mental illness can sometimes be almost impossible to treat.

I offer this because it can be heartbreaking for someone, who suffers from mental illness, to hear that mental illness is no big deal, or there is something simple that they can do to treat their disease.

Joe

wolfter · « **Reply #28 on:** December 30, 2011, 10:17:53 pm »

Joe, I never said it wasn't a big deal or dismissed the torment that people go through. Was I wrong to comment that it can be overcome? I guess deep seated issues should just be avoided. So take exception, because I posted from a caring perspective without nefarious thoughts.

wolfie

newchapter · « **Reply #29 on:** January 01, 2012, 08:43:08 pm »

Jeep Guy...

Your post really touched me! I'm thrilled to know the outcome of your tests weren't as bad as you thought. I completely understand the anxiety you're going through and wish only the best for you.

A few months ago my Dr. saw something "abnormal" and scheduled me to have some tissue taken and checked. No real discussion took place regarding the results and no clear plan of treatment given. I was told we need to "monitor" the situation and another check-up was scheduled. I was in on the 29th, more tissue was taken and now more waiting. I can't stand the waiting and unkown!! Luckily I don't have any discomfort or problems and my HIV status is "undetected". I'm tempted to walk into the ER and not leave until I have all the answers and plan of action.

Life is a series of hills and mountains and dammit.....here comes another one! What helps me over come are the posts here from concerned folks who've been there and understand. I can't tell you all how much your words matter to me. It's good to know Jeep Guy, myself and the rest of us are not alone.

Here's wishing the New Year is a happy and healthy one for all!

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #30 on:** January 02, 2012, 12:38:02 am »

I have and will admit I have a level of depression when it comes to all this, even a year plus later.

I don't know about you guys but I have pictured life always a certain way. I always had my path and I would never let any one skew that view. I don't know too call it a Epiphany or what but that picture I have always had is now gone. I don't see the loving husband and kids, having my own cooking show, always healthy, physically fit and just having the gay American dream. The gay community stills has a negative view on a positive guy. Of course not horrible but still stigma even among are own.

I don't regret my decision to come out and be completely open about my status but I am learning while as freeing as it is, I still see that look of blah on a mans face when you tell them. Now to bring all this together and the original subject.

Its just the total of all that I have shared on here which brings me to my current place in life. I know its a cross road but you have to admit there is no grantee in life. Who can honestly say it will get better and who can honestly say it won't turn out to be a great life. You know the one thing that hasn't changed tho is that feeling I shared about just laying my head on "his" chest. It's amazing that threw everything thing and all the changes in the last year that's what I miss and want the most.

I appreciate your time and energy boys and girls. I feel like sharing here is better than actually going to therapy .

tednlou2 · « **Reply #31 on:** January 02, 2012, 01:49:39 am »

Jeep,

I think this time of year makes many of us think more about our lives--what we've done and where we're going. I know I have felt myself feeling more depressed with another year ending and another birthday coming up on the 4th (which I know I should be happy about). Do you feel these thoughts have come on more here during the holidays?

PozJeepGuy · « **Reply #32 on:** January 02, 2012, 02:29:54 am »

i don't feel it any more now than before. If anything I finally feel like Im at a point I want to talk about it because I really don't like feeling this way. I want to feel happy again. I mean true peace of heart happiness.

newchapter · « **Reply #33 on:** January 02, 2012, 09:21:17 am »

Don't know what I can say that hasn't already been said here, but it has been my experience that my HIV meds did bring on and elevate my feelings of depression. Once I was able to realize this, I told my Dr. and my meds were changed. I'm currently on Truvada with Viramune and feeling free of the bouts with depression.

Theyer · « **Reply #34 on:** January 05, 2012, 03:06:41 pm »

I think a Gay HIV+ Cooking Show would be fantastic,
theyer

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