That Doo Doo That You Do So Well.

[thunter34]

While staring at my navel today, it occured to me that I recently passed my 10 year anniversary mark since infection.  Not since diagnosis, mind you...that was actually at the end of 2004.  But I am one of those who remembers his seroconversion rather well.  I'm also one of those who went from infection to illness quicker than others, and there's little doubt that my toxic lifestyle fueled that fire.

Anyway...I got to thinking about all the changes in my life over these last several years.  I thought about the horrid med combo I started off with - and how much better the options are today than they were even when I started (and I'm not even a Long-Term Survivor).  I thought about the changes in my personality - mostly how being out of "the scene" from sickness and stuff allowed my older, more reclusive habits to take hold...and about how many of my old "friends" from those days fell away - and how quickly they did so.  I thought about how AIDS, through physical, medical and financial avenues, has managed to strip away so much that I once had.  I mean let's face it:  new car, condo, 401(k), etc...all of that: gone.  I've pretty much been living near the bare bones for several years now - except for my gut, which has been going in the opposite direction from "bare bones" for a few years now.

But you know what?  When I really look at it, my happiness level is the same - actually greater - now than it was then.  So much of the trappings of my former days were completely unnecessary, and keeping up with it all was fairly exhausting.  My life has gotten pared down to the core, but what is at the core is still pretty damn good.  Do I credit HIV with that?  Not a chance.  It's about squeezing every last bit of pulp from the lemons you can. 

I have friends, family and a dog that loves me.  I have a roof over my head and food to eat.  I've had many precious memories in this last decade that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I laugh daily.  I cry sometimes when I think back on some of these memories and the ghosts that often inhabit them.  Has living with HIV, even in this day and age, been a struggle?  Yes, every day.  Has it been worth it?  Absolutely.  Without question.

When you get right down to it, there are lots of things about my former free-wheeling days that I miss, lots of them physical, but time marches on for all of us, HIV or not.  And yes, there were choices I made that were questionable, but I have no time or place for regrets.  I've done the best that I've known how to do, and that's all that I can do.  And even though I might like to have a slimmer tummy or more of a tush like I used to, I'm ultimately proud to have survived to shuffle along with these imperfections - and grateful that I've been afforded the opportunity to do so, ever mindful of those I've known who no longer do.

If I'm going to be completely honest, I do long for one thing, though:  dependable bowel movements.  I haven't been able to truly, confidently trust a fart in years.

So yeah.

(This thread started out as something completely else, but whatever.  From diarrhea of the rump to diarrhea of the mouth.)

[Buckmark]

Tim,

I am so glad you are still here.  And that the glass of lemonade you've made from life's lemon tree is sweet as well as sour.  Looking back now, could you ever have imagined all of what your life experience has turned out to be so far?  I know I couldn't.

Hugs,

Henry

P.S.  I hope some day you can trust your farts again.

[leatherman]

I have friends, family and a dog that loves me.  I have a roof over my head and food to eat.

those are the BEST things in life 
Glad to hear how you've made it through the last decade and here's to getting through another 3, 4, or 5 of those

[thunter34]

I hope some day you can trust your farts again.

That's my hope for us all, Henry.  That's my hope for us all.

[WillyWump]

While staring at my navel today, it occured to me that I recently passed my 10 year anniversary mark since infection.  Not since diagnosis, mind you...that was actually at the end of 2004.  But I am one of those who remembers his seroconversion rather well.  I'm also one of those who went from infection to illness quicker than others, and there's little doubt that my toxic lifestyle fueled that fire.

Anyway...I got to thinking about all the changes in my life over these last several years.  I thought about the horrid med combo I started off with - and how much better the options are today than they were even when I started (and I'm not even a Long-Term Survivor).  I thought about the changes in my personality - mostly how being out of "the scene" from sickness and stuff allowed my older, more reclusive habits to take hold...and about how many of my old "friends" from those days fell away - and how quickly they did so.  I thought about how AIDS, through physical, medical and financial avenues, has managed to strip away so much that I once had.  I mean let's face it:  new car, condo, 401(k), etc...all of that: gone.  I've pretty much been living near the bare bones for several years now - except for my gut, which has been going in the opposite direction from "bare bones" for a few years now.

But you know what?  When I really look at it, my happiness level is the same - actually greater - now than it was then.  So much of the trappings of my former days were completely unnecessary, and keeping up with it all was fairly exhausting.  My life has gotten pared down to the core, but what is at the core is still pretty damn good.  Do I credit HIV with that?  Not a chance.  It's about squeezing every last bit of pulp from the lemons you can. 

I have friends, family and a dog that loves me.  I have a roof over my head and food to eat.  I've had many precious memories in this last decade that I wouldn't trade for anything.  I laugh daily.  I cry sometimes when I think back on some of these memories and the ghosts that often inhabit them.  Has living with HIV, even in this day and age, been a struggle?  Yes, every day.  Has it been worth it?  Absolutely.  Without question.

When you get right down to it, there are lots of things about my former free-wheeling days that I miss, lots of them physical, but time marches on for all of us, HIV or not.  And yes, there were choices I made that were questionable, but I have no time or place for regrets.  I've done the best that I've known how to do, and that's all that I can do.  And even though I might like to have a slimmer tummy or more of a tush like I used to, I'm ultimately proud to have survived to shuffle along with these imperfections - and grateful that I've been afforded the opportunity to do so, ever mindful of those I've known who no longer do.

If I'm going to be completely honest, I do long for one thing, though:  dependable bowel movements.  I haven't been able to truly, confidently trust a fart in years.

So yeah.

(This thread started out as something completely else, but whatever.  From diarrhea of the rump to diarrhea of the mouth.)

All well said. Thanks for sharing, I see alot of myself in your words.

-Will

[wolfter]

That's a lot of introspection and I appreciate you posting it.  I so relate to the belly thing too.  I'm convinced there are no options left to get rid of mine.  I weigh the same as I did when I graduated from HS, but all the fat from my nice ass transfered to my gut.    I'd rather have my beautiful locks back though.  It was God's punishment for being so vain about it.  It took me an hour each morning to get it perfect as I always wore it to show off my beautiful blonde streak.

Now I can be ready to go anywhere in less than 10 minutes.

Thanks again and wishing you the best.

Wolfie

[Jmarksto]

Thunter, Thank you for posting.  As a newly diagnosed +, this kind of perspective helps me. 

Also, as I have read, learned, and thought about where I am relative to treatment and understanding of this disease it has struck me that I am benefiting from all of those that have had this before me and I am grateful.

May your lemons be sweet and healthy,

JM

[phost86]

Thanks for posting that:)

[Pozitively Moving Forward]

Wanted to say thank you for posting.  I am newly diagnosed and have been on meds for only a few months, I see these changes beginning in myself and my life.  It's interesting and comforting in a weird way how the effects are so similar amongst each of us.  All the way down to trusting a fart.....onward and upward

[Dachshund]

I guess I can thank da aids that I've been able to share bit of your wit and wisdom over the past years. You're aces, but damn it, if you can't trust a fart, who can you trust?

[Jeff G]

  I'm glad my rectum isn't so worn out That I cant hold a poo , you people need a retread .  .   

[OneTampa]

Good thoughtful post Thunter.

[bear60]

Big HUGS Tim......love you.


Joel

[Rockin]

Tim Im a noob poz but your thread brought tears to my eyes. Such positive thinking and well, as we get old, it's only natural that we give up some habits. I mean...no judgement here but I don't picture myself as being a 50 year old going to huge circuit parties and making out in bathrooms....do we really need this?

There are SO many things to be done in this world...unfortunately, most times, "gay culture" tell us that we need to go to clubs, get high on steroids and fuck all the time. But are those guys happy? Really?

You seem like you are happy with your life. Thats all that matters. Sure, we all miss some things from our 20-something years but that happens to everybody. Enjoy what you have and carpe diem.