POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: darkerpozz on January 03, 2010, 05:31:59 am
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I have found myself in the unenviable position of being in my opinion the most hated minority in America. I guess I mismarked my scorecard and just checked every box cause I have it all. Now, how to live with it is the hardest because a certain portion of people dislike me before they meet me. Can someone offer some advice on handling a closeminded world when I have so many qualities that they would like in another package. Don't get me wrong I am a athletic youthful goodlooking man but sometimes things I have no control over bum me out and with HIV staying upbeat is my goal. I know it is their loss but I am tired of being in "that " race
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I have found myself in the unenviable position of being in my opinion the most hated minority in America. I guess I mismarked my scorecard and just checked every box cause I have it all. Now, how to live with it is the hardest because a certain portion of people dislike me before they meet me.
By minority I'm guessing you mean being black.
“I have it all now” – I guess you mean black and HIV+, and what else is on the scorecard “against” you – bipolar? What else. Is being gay on the negative scorecard? Just so we can be clear what is on the plate in this post.
Now I think you can find plenty of empathy in these forums for living with the stigma of being HIV+, and some good ideas maybe.
You know, everyone has certain marks on their scorecards that make life challenging in this “closeminded” world. But the world is OPEN to seeing people for the humans they are too, not just the identities of the scorecard.
Americans elected a Black president even though the media kept wringing their hands about what far shot that would be, turned out to be pretty straightforward choice between men and not about race very much at all.
HIV stigma – we can only find support from each other who are HIV+ and from those in your personal support group who really see it as another piece of important information. I'm not naïve – its definitely on my scorecard for the dating but most guys have score cards of their own – and I can tell you this – THE ONLY TRUE RELATIONSHIPS happen when people set aside the scorecards and find some basic human connection (friendship) or attraction (lovers) or respect (work).
Can someone offer some advice on handling a closeminded world when I have so many qualities that they would like in another package. Don't get me wrong I am a athletic youthful goodlooking man but sometimes things I have no control over bum me out and with HIV staying upbeat is my goal. I know it is their loss but I am tired of being in "that " race.
Yes, keep upbeat and do your job and love your family and have fun and respect your friends and keep your eyes open for all the times nobody notices your scorecard. If anyone in these important areas – family, work, friends, really gives you a problem about one item on your scorecard, see if you can resolve it and if not MINIMIZE contact with that person. That is a negative smallminded mean person and you do not need weird energy in your life, especially being bipolar I imagine you are quite sensitive to that sort of energy exchange.
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Even though we did elect a half-black American President does not mean racism is any less. I am ethnic myself. The only thing that one can do that is possible is to communicate with an intellectual speech pattern and wear and good clothing.
great communication and good voice and a fashionable sophisticated dresser really does help In My Opinion.
If one isn't happy with their "Ethnicity" they can do ethnic tweaking by getting plastic surgery to make themselves more "neutral" to look like everyone else.
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[quote\
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Even though we did elect a half-black American President does not mean racism is any less. I am ethnic myself. The only thing that one can do that is possible is to communicate with an intellectual speech pattern and wear and good clothing.
great communication and good voice and a fashionable sophisticated dresser really does help In My Opinion.
If one isn't happy with their "Ethnicity" they can do ethnic tweaking by getting plastic surgery to make themselves more "neutral" to look like everyone else.[/quote]
So are you saying that your average African American can't "communicate with an intellectual speech pattern"? That is pretty offensive whether or not you are "ethnic". I won't even touch the "getting plastic surgery to make themselves more neutral".
With the amount of spelling errors in your post, I wouldn't bash Obama for being able to "communicate with an intellectual speech pattern".
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[quote\
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Even though we did elect a half-black American President does not mean racism is any less. I am ethnic myself. The only thing that one can do that is possible is to communicate with an intellectual speech pattern and wear and good clothing.
great communication and good voice and a fashionable sophisticated dresser really does help In My Opinion.
If one isn't happy with their "Ethnicity" they can do ethnic tweaking by getting plastic surgery to make themselves more "neutral" to look like everyone else.
So are you saying that your average African American can't "communicate with an intellectual speech pattern"? That is pretty offensive whether or not you are "ethnic". I won't even touch the "getting plastic surgery to make themselves more neutral".
With the amount of spelling errors in your post, I wouldn't bash Obama for being able to "communicate with an intellectual speech pattern".
You're criticizing my post when you're starting a sentence with a conjunction? Lol.
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I am criticizing your post because it is incredibly racist.
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Without trying my point was expressed perfectly. Just because we have a black president doesn't mean life for me will be easier or that everybody wanted him.
It is so unfortunate that acceptance has to come with a scorecard,but it does. I am by the way an articulate, well built, well spoken black man who dresses well who also likes to get a little raw and dirty but it seems you can't be both and black.
I digress I was just hoping for some suggestions without getting into a racist bash,cause I truly do want help
Maybe my problem is my thinking my self esteem looks fine from the outside but it doesn't because I like myself but I am just SO angry at some of my choices, reactions,and ultimately where this all has left me because I never thought this would be my story and I know there is more to write but getting out there is harder than before and the rejection is harder than when your young
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Maybe you should post in the Living With forum. More people read that.
Rejection is something we all deal with, regardless of race. I am sure a lot of people can share with you their coping strategies. I took about 6 months for a pity party, then I moved on. I have dated MUCH nicer men since being positive (not because, but I think I respect myself more).
Point being, you aren't alone.
BTW sorry for the hijack before
Pete
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Can someone offer some advice on handling a closeminded world when I have so many qualities that they would like in another package.
Hi Darker,
Let me remind you of the saying "birds of a feather flock together" - and I'm not talking about birds with the same plumage. I'm talking about people with the same mindset. Why would you want closed-minded people to like you? Who cares what they think? Maybe if you stop worrying about the closed-minded among us, your eyes will open to the open-minded among us. We do exist.
I am just SO angry at some of my choices, reactions,and ultimately where this all has left me because I never thought this would be my story...
You need to forgive yourself for the choices you made. You're only human and humans make mistakes. I never thought hiv would be my story either, but I haven't let it stop me being me and enjoying life. And yes, I had to forgive myself too. It's the only way forward. Counselling may help.
Good luck and hang in there.
Ann
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dp- About the only thing you can do is maintain confidence in who you are as a person and ignore the crap you get in daily life (and yes, you do and will get crap on a daily basis).
Shame on some of those above who rather than try and empathize with the OP, decides to belittle and downplay his stigma (as if that's helpful). Suggesting that Obama being elected therefore means there is no stigma of being black and gay! Absolutely priceless.
Isn't this how and why other forums (women and LTS) were formed?
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I certainly never wrote that because Obama was elected there is no racism. Geez. I was supporting the OP to see that there are open-minded people who did NOT care what race he was, they voted for the best guy, period. Enough open minded people to change history.
Christ why do some people just assume others are closeminded, like some of you have done here.
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Cliff, I hope you didn't think I was trying to downplay stigma, I know all too well that it still exists. I was only trying to say that while prejudiced people do exist, so do non-prejudiced people. One shouldn't waste time on prejudiced and small-minded people - ignore the assholes and seek out like-minded people instead. It's far better to have a small group of good friends than to try and get assholes to like you just so you have a bigger circle of friends. Friends like that we could all do without.
Ann
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I took Cliff's comments more aimed at the "double stigma" of minority race in the US plus HIV stigma. It's more complicated than the HIV stigma that a white person faces. Trying to act like it's not isn't very realistic.
That said, it's certainly not helpful to suggest that someone alter themselves with plastic surgery to make up for all of that, but I digress.
darkerpozz, can I ask where you live or thereabouts? At least where I live, there's a rather even demographic racially with pozzies, reflecting the city at large. You may benefit from finding a real life support group that is majority African American. An athletic, youthful, good looking man has a lot going for him, and I'd hate to see you wasting years not coming to terms with things and being well-adjusted with where you are at. In the mean time please keep posting here and most of us can be good listeners and a sounding board.
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Thanks Phi. Yes, I wasn't referring to Ann's response (which was helpful).
I think if someone doesn't understand or even try to understand and appreciate the added (or unique) stigma of being black and gay with an added dose of also dealing with HIV stigma, then they should skip over these sorts of threads/issues.
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Thanks for the positive words,
Unfortunately, I was severely abused by a step father and he being my first black man contact he has severely scarred my black on black relations not saying that I haven't been with some of the most....brothers I just think I put them through more than they should have to deal with. Of course therapy is out there I have logged at least ten years to date but one can never tell how your past will influence you. I wish it were different. I don't try to get closeminded people to "like " me but sometimes it's hard to read the small print on their forehead.
For instance, I met this wonderful good looking brother who had it going on but I felt something weird and I sat back and realized that he looked like my dad( except healthy)there is no way to say I can't see cause you look like my dad,just as, is is wrong do be drawn to someone who looks like and old friend, but having HIV is making remember the great times I used to have with friends who are not around and I just don't alllow myself to meet folks anymore. I seem frustrated in that while growing up I never lacked for friends but as I age and lose my innocent cuteness people don't want to get to know me and I feel better now than I was.and blah blah blah I am just mad that life is not doing completely what I say...obama was a start... but we have so far to go as far as tolerance
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I know this is a hell of a lot harder to do then say but ...
Stigma happens. We all are stigmatized in one way or another. All of us - gay/str8, white/black, man/woman, catholic/jew, hiv+/ovarian cancer. Makes no difference because people are human and some exact great satisfaction putting others down.
Rise above it. Surround yourself with people you can draw energy from and they from you. You have a lot to offer your community, your friends, yourself so embrace the positive things. Focus on the good. Allow negative attributes to sluice off your back like running water. Rise above it. You are sum total of your parts - make sure you are focusing on the parts that bring you great joy and pride while adjusting to the parts that drag you down. Rise above it.
Read the book The Four Agreements. It's a very short read with a powerful message.
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Thanks for the positive words,
Unfortunately, I was severely abused by a step father and he being my first black man contact he has severely scarred my black on black relations not saying that I haven't been with some of the most....brothers I just think I put them through more than they should have to deal with. Of course therapy is out there I have logged at least ten years to date but one can never tell how your past will influence you.
...obama was a start... but we have so far to go as far as tolerance
I don't know how people overcome childhood abuse. But you've got to find a way to put away the past. I know therapy is a good start. You say you've had 10 years of it, but I couldn't tell if this was just talking online or with a proper professional.
Ignore the bit about Obama. I doubt that has had an appreciable change in your inidividual circumstance and certainly not dealing with your childhood issues.
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Hey darkerpoz,
Where have you been dude? Your frustrations are EXACTLY how I've felt for many years! I live in Texas, and I LOVE my state. But, the ignorance is awfully shocking at times.
Examples:
The day I received my Masters Degree in accounting, some guy, in the gayborhood "Dallas", asked me if "I was selling any drugs. My friend and I like to party".
I won't go on, but I have many examples.
I've decided not to inform my parents because "they can barely handle the 'gay' thing either".
When I've told relatives I've trusted, they couldn't be trusted to keep my business private.
Some folks, who look just like me, believe "I'm kinda iffy on the 'Black' side of stuff" because I chose to hand around all types of people.
My grandma, let me know it was alirght to be "me". I want you to know, as a Black man to another Black man, be yourself! Learn from the harsh treatment, but be yourself! The anger will go away with time and a proper support system, be it counseling, new friends, and a combination of both. Please forgive my grammar, Im not worried about it, I just want you to get the "it". Love what God created! As my 85 year old Sunday School teacher used to say , "God Don't Make No Junk"
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Without entering into the tempest in the teabag above my reading of your posts is you have the triple whammy --
1) Your skin has more melanin than others and in our society (i.e., the USofA) there are still far too many lighter-skinned people who judge you solely and unfavorably by that single criterion.
2) As a male with more melanin you're viewed even more negatively by many of the same idiots who judge you by your skin color. Everyone knows Black males are dangerous criminals. My twin brother and sister-in-law live in their quiet, secluded, white-bread stultifyingly suburban neighborhood and won't visit my home because it's so terribly dangerous. A Negro might look at them...
3) As a gay Black male you're disliked by even more people because being gay is viewed unfavorably by many people regardless of skin color, gender, etc.
Back in the 1970s there was a joke about Black lesbians with leftist beliefs living in the worst of all possible worlds since 1) people with vaginas aren't as valuable as those with penile appendages, 2) people of color are 2nd class citizens by default, and 3) any person with left-wing/progressive views is a goddam communiss and should go live in Russia if they criticize the USofA.
Luckily (?) for me I'm so pasty white no one could ever mistake me for someone of color and I have a penis. It's great fun to be among "one's own kind" to listen to racist, sexist BS and pleasantly inform them simply because I have light skin and/or a penis doesn't mean I share their beliefs. I know people of all ethnicities, genders, sexual orientations, spiritual/religious beliefs, etc. who are decent, honorable folks. I know a rainbow of people who are total shits, too, but try to avoid them as much as possible. Like my brother... I still love him but we aren't friends.
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thanks for the words,
joyluckclub, if that is you in the photo we have more in common as I have dreads that come from growing tired of cutting my hair for acting gigs and a change, not for the criminal element. People continually crack me up and thank God I have a great sense of humor. The crossing the street when they see me coming, locking the loud car door, wiping the bart seat after I got up, standing an obscene distance behind me like I...,those kind of things roll off my back and great people like Boo Radley and the other posters are unfortunately few and far between. I would never want to be different I just sometimes hoped for greater elimination of judgement yet that is probably keeps us different. I will keep trying but sometimes...
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Hey darkerpozz,
Since you mentioned BART in your last post, can I assume you're in the Bay Area? If so, there are some organizations here that are focused on supporting African-Americans with HIV. You might want to take a look at the Black Coalition on AIDS: http://www.bcoa.org/services.html (http://www.bcoa.org/services.html). They offer some drop-in support groups if you want to talk to other AA men in the same situation. Or if you'd prefer a support environment that isn't predominantly African-American, I can personally recommend the AIDS Health Project's various support groups: http://www.ucsf-ahp.org/HTML2/ahp_supportgroups.html (http://www.ucsf-ahp.org/HTML2/ahp_supportgroups.html) I attend one every Tuesday, and it's enormously helpful.
Sorry that you're not finding the acceptance you're looking for. It's funny that the Bay Area is considered such a liberal place, because my former partner (who's African-American) used to get some of the same treatment you describe. He tried to keep a sense of humor about it, but it was tough at times. He served his country in Iraq and Afghanistan, came back here and was going to school, and basically really had it together, but sometimes people on the street still reacted to him as if he were a criminal. He made me start to notice how white people (particularly white women) react to black men. Now I'm much more conscious of it, and I check myself, just to make sure I don't subconsciously have that kind of reaction.
Ann is right by the way. You have to forgive yourself for whatever choices you may now regret. All of us are just human, and we can and will make mistakes. Besides, HIV takes advantage of one of our most basic needs -- for physical and sexual intimacy -- to spread itself. In the heat of a passionate moment, we don't always exercise the best judgment. Sure, having HIV is no fun. But there are ways to cope with the situation. I'm not a Pollyanna by any means, but I think you can learn to accept it and feel better about yourself.
Best of luck to you.
John
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Darkerpozz, I am in the same boat you are in and I know what you're going through. You're black, gay, and poz. I'm black, gay, poz, and not on meds. I may have one up on you! Not only am I hated by the HIV- community. I'm not even accepted by the poz community. I've even had a denialist rebuke me for getting labs done and going to my ID doc. So, I don't fit in any group. :'( Would somebody love me?
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Not wanting to stir up hostility but I am afraid that we aren't in the same boat. The outisde may appear similar but my boat is safely floating with no leaks I am refusing to acknowledge despite appearances. It isn't that people won't love you but you in my opinion you are not even loving yourself. If one was to love you the way your playing with the odds it would mean even money the relationship wouldn't last because your luck will run out and it would too late. It hit me in minute and almost killed me when I should have started meds almost 10 years late.
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Darkerpozz, I am in the same boat you are in and I know what you're going through. You're black, gay, and poz. I'm black, gay, poz, and not on meds. I may have one up on you! Not only am I hated by the HIV- community. I'm not even accepted by the poz community. I've even had a denialist rebuke me for getting labs done and going to my ID doc. So, I don't fit in any group. :'( Would somebody love me?
Oh c'mon Etay, cry me a river. In this case acceptance is a two way street. In every post you have made it clear that you are the one who does not accept the poz community. If you are dealing with people (denialists) who "rebuke" you for getting labs done, then who's fault is that?
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Darkerpoz, we sometimes don't understand the meaning in life or how people are but one has the power to change, being South African, gay, hiv positive is just as bad and if you are a white gay man hiv positive in the engineering field then behold, people look at you funny, treat you like an outcast, and the list can go on trust me on that. But there is a light to where you are at this moment. Accepting that you are different, unique, talented and plus and stuff those who think differently of you. it is now about you not them, it was never about them it is about YOU, Take charge of your life, the freinds you surround yourself with because they can drag you down, you need to surrund yourself with good positive people (no pun intended).
Image in the mirror.
For whom I am in this life,
Need I not apologise for.
For what I have in this life,
Need I not apologise for.
For how I am in this life,
Need I not apologise for.
For what I have done in this life of mine,
Need I not apologise for.
For what I see when I look in the mirror,
Need I not apologise for.
As I am a creation of God,
The mirror image of God,
Perfection in His eyes,
As He see Himself.
For being comfortable with myself,
Need I not apologise for.
For loving what I see in the mirror,
Need I not apologise for.
For loving another in my life,
Need I not apologise for.
For needing another to compliment my life,
My being with,
Need I not apologise for.
For who I see in front of me is what love is,
For accepting each other with all differences,
Is what love is,
I am happy with who I am,
And how my life turned out to be,
With you in it,
Are you happy with the image in the mirror?
Your image you see when you look at yourself.
God is proud and happy with who you are,
As I am happy and proud of you,
Maybe it is time you be the same,
With that image you see in the mirror.
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Wow, I thought this thread had died and I, fallenangel I am glad I looked cause those words have made my day. Thank you I am damn proud of what I see in the mirror. Sometimes I wish I could eat myself but my back won't give...
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Double jointed that can be a sight but none the less, there is a moto you can use "fifo" they fit in with you or they f*ck off" that is how live my life now. Good to know you like what i send you.
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Well I think you all missed the point. The second entry by darkpozz states
I am just SO angry at some of my choices, reactions,and ultimately where this all has left!!
Well I have to say before you can get acceptance from any one else you have to learn to be true to you. DO not get it twisted and think I mean stuck up. IT is just you have to learn to LOVE you /Understand you/Care about you/ want to be alone with you etc before you can expect any other human to do this. How can you ask some one to get to know and be with you and love you when you do not love your self truly. For it you did you would know that the choices you made were made and there is absolutely nothing you can do but hate your self for them.
Remember worry is a waste of space in your mind. If you worry some thing is going to happen and it does not you wasted space in your mind! As well if your worried about some thing and it does happen it was meant to happen all along and you can not change the event so why worry.
I am trying to tell you to stop feeling sorry for your self as well as thinking that folks are not going to like you because of your score card.You are keeping that score card. Throw it away. IT is called life
We are all the same We are all born live life and die!!! we just all do it differently and on different levels.
Get with a counselor or a group and make Sure the group is not all one sided and bashing every other group.
As well look with in for the truth and the answer! I also use to keep a score card. Then I realized it was my score card and I was the one keeping score. IT is LIFE LOVE IT FOR WHAT IT IS AND NOTHING ELSE!@