POZ Community Forums
Meds, Mind, Body & Benefits => Mental Health & HIV => Topic started by: darkerpozz on April 14, 2010, 03:31:03 am
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I am finding myself struggling at times with the acceptance of HIV and the many changes my life has taken and then I find myself looking out there at the things that realistically are no longer possible and I get so frustrated it seems that it takes my passion away from what I am doing which isn't a whole lot these days. . I am a dreamer who feels like I'm living a nightmarish rollercoaster ride with no end. How does one keep on keepin on? I try the positive routine but I feel like I am trying to trick myself which isn't working...
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Therapy? Anti-depressants? Fresh air?
Just curious, is it possible that you are in a mind-trap of a rut of thinking? What exactly is no longer possible that was really on the "list" of life goals, before you were HIV+?
Believe me, I go through the same thought processes but if I examine them closely I can manage to pick them apart and see what's reality and what's just a negative thought. Kind of like afflictive emotions you can learn about though therapy or Buddhism.
My shrink says the shock of the last years of my LTR and the really ugly and messy breakup took a much higher toll on me than my seroconversion, afterward. That just shows that a "chronic manageable disease" may not be the worse thing that could happen to someone. Frankly if I could eliminate the 4 years of utter pain and frustration and loss related to a bad relationship and breakup, or eliminate my HIV+ status, I'd give up those 4 years. I was utterly abused and also let myself be, somewhat, and it was all hell.
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I feel like HIV took away far far more than just my physical health...sometimes I feel really depersonalised and like I'm looking at myself from far away, totally unsure of who I am anymore. But at the same time as the hiv I nearly lost my house, faced bankruptcy, stayed with a man who cheated and lied and became pregnant. So I'm not sure if it was the hiv or everything else - or perhaps the hiv started the rollercoaster few months (chicken and egg). Still, I'm kinda proud of myself for coping (although I still wonder if I'm in serious denial about everything which might by why I feel so depersonalised and numb).
Hiv has taken away part of me...and I'm not sure if or when I'll get that part back. But right now I'm just trying to get to know the 'new me'.
Yes, how do we do it?
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Taboo princess you are far more eloquent in word than I but I completely agree my on so many levels. I don't know if from the HIV or just being blamed for it. My decline happened after my diagnosis but once I began HART I think the mindset was my own creation to try and justify my so called failures. I also agree that I am not who I was and it is so difficult getting used to a new you through these circumstances. Mine was just a casual asking as to we do it. Mecch, you probably are correct in the rut thinking but I think I am transitioning to that type of thinking I was not preoccupied with these thougts before and I find the struggle to try to stay positive and hopeful harder to grasp.
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Darker, what's made the difference in the rut thinking and what do you think of as your "failures."
Getting isolated in thinking about this stuff makes it harder to move on more positively. Especially if you are trying to do it alone. Talking here can be useful, but I am wondering if you also have support in your life where you can talk honestly about what's on your mind.
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MY rut form of thinking is from a far darker period where stepdaddy was full of the negative laced lov ya's where self es tendem doesn't grow. I made it through off the compliments of strangers leaving me with little to hold on to. I can handle most but when one says to be honest then the past dribblest and the sensitive side kicks in moody and I am a goner. Isolation is My biggest enemy cause once I'm and mixing I am fine but getting there is the harder too. I do handle it alone for the most cause I am built like one would like to handle now and support later and that leaves a whole bunch of awkward and it gets tricky.
the longer I isolate the culture changes in regard to the norms yet I don't Look like I missed them...
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the above was blathers from a drinking typist....
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I once hear someone say, "When I am stuck in my in my own head then I am behind enemy lines."
It's a challenge to pull yourself out of that, but it can be done, sometimes with something as simple as a phone call to someone. The conversation doesn't even have to be about anything momentous or so-called important. Just some talk and if you're able to say, this is what's on my mind, that can be a relief.
Alternatively, taking a walk and making yourself look UP at the sky and elsewhere can be a relief as well.
Personally I find physical exercise a good way exorcise personal devils. Cardio and the machines and sometimes cursing to myself while I am doing it leaves me with a satisfyingly wet t shirt and feeling cleansed when I hit the showers.
It's not about some magic cure because magical things can go POOF and disappear as quickly as they appear. And different things may be useful on different days.
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For me gospel music helps me find my balance again. I have no idea what kind of music you enjoy, but my favorite music is old gospel by singers like James Cleveland, The Clark Sisters, Rosetta Tharpe, Mahalia Jackson.
I also enjoy old jazz, with singers like Betty Carter, Shirley Horn, Nat King Cole, and Carmen MCrae. Very weird for a 35 year old African American male. Most people look at me like I'm an alien. It's okay. Find your "peace". When I get down, I concentrate on my peace.
There is a song by a old school minister named Clay Evans. He sings a song called "I'm Blessed". At the start of the song, he repeats a small sermonette, then the choir sings. That song has helped me find my "peace".
I don't want you to try to use my "peace", unless it works for you. Find it. Sometimes, that is all it takes to get you back on track.
I prayers and good wishes are for you and your happiness.
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Hello all who are here in this forum,
I have been poz for over 20 yrs. I have to say that being POZ did not depress me until about 4 yrs ago. You see after being abused by a family member and then being ousted from the family for lifestyle at age19. I was doing mass amt. of drugs(street) to cope with all that. It was only in 2004 after going thru chemo and radiation that I really tried to stop doing street drugs. I worked hard and it took alot of slips back and well I have to say that's when all the self hate for being poz came up. I felt like who wants me I am damaged and who is going to want to date me for I am damaged and why me and that does not include the a fore mentioned depression trying to get back at me.
It is one day at a time and just know your special and it (HIV) is like a tattoo! You got it and it is some thing you have to live with. Yes it every one Else's fault and no it is no one's fault except your own. For no one can do to you what you do not let them!
Now pick your self up and get out the door. Even as one person stated if it is just a walk to look at the sky. We have a beautiful planet with flowers and tree's and the like. These things hold such beauty if you just stop and look at them like they are worth some more then just a tree that drops leave or a flower that will wilt. Think of them as living. For they all are and they will all die just like every thing. And last remember that you are not going to go any where(death) till your number is up.
GOOD LUCK and it is all a mind over matter.
PS I did not go to any programs or any one to quit my drug habits!