Friend, Whom I Aquired My Virus, Dies at 38

[tednlou2]

I'm sure some will remember me discussing how I believe I contracted HIV.  I've already discussed a few times here what happened during that sexual encounter back in 2001 that brought our friendship to an end.  So, I won't discuss that now.  Or, not in much detail.  For those who don't know, I will just say we had been friends for something like 8 years prior.  I went 7 years before learning my diagnosis.  During those 7 years, I would hear from mutual friends that he was poz and had known this since the late 90's.  Definitely hearsay, but heard it from his close friends.  They all said he learned his status, actually told them, but never wanted to discuss it again.  This is the only sexual activity that could have led to my infection.  Well, a wrench was thrown into things, when I learned my ex was poz.  However, we were last together in 1995.  It would seem unlikely I've been poz that long and still not on meds.  Possible, but seemingly unlikely.  Plus, I did have a test after we broke up, but it may have still been within the window period.  And, I had what I now would recognize as an awful seroconversion sickness after my encounter with Wayne. 

Anyway, I was contacted by Wayne's ex informing me that he had died.  He said it was an AIDS-related brain infection.  He said the family is saying it was brain cancer.  He was more forthcoming with information than he had been in the past.  He, too, said Wayne had known he was poz since the late 90's.  He said they had broken up due to Wayne hooking up with guys and barebacking.  When I was close to Wayne, I had a totally different perception.  He always acted like having sex was not a priority.  When we first met, we dated for several months.  He would not make a move.  I would later hear he liked to have guys come to his house and let themselves in, while he pretended to be asleep.  Thinking back on when we dated, he would often "fall asleep" while we were watching TV.  Anyway, he was in so much denial that he never sought medical treatment.  In the last few years, Wayne got very religious.  His ex believes he turned to religion as a way of treating his illness, rather than turning to doctors.  He said seeking medical treatment would have meant he was facing the fact that he had the virus.  Of course, this is his ex's take on things.  He told me he had visited him in the hospital before his death. 

Even though we were no longer speaking, I am very saddened by this news.  As I said, we had been good friends for several years and had even dated.  I'm saddened he's gone.  I'm troubled he never sought medical attention.  It is such a shame.  He was only 38.  In 2012, this did not have to happen.  But, I guess that is what deep denial does.  I've seen it with my ex.  He, too, has become ultra-religous and got married to a woman.  Before, he always said he couldn't imagine having sex with a woman.  When I last spoke to him, he wanted to preach to me.  When I say he's gone religious, he has really gone.  God and the Bible are all he talks about.  When I did speak to him last, he said he had sought medical treatment, but he was resistant to many meds now, due to very poor adherence.  His CD4 was still below 200.  He just kept saying God would take care of him.  And, I was in denial.  I suspected I was probably poz, but I didn't want to go there.  Instead, I kept telling myself I had a bad case of mono.  I would reinforce that by researching mono and how it can mimic many of the symptoms of HIV, including causing swollen lymph nodes all over that can last several years in some cases.  I did go for an anonymous HIV test in 2002, but never went back for the results.  If not for getting so sick in 2008, I still might not know my status.  I've actually have begun looking at getting so sick as a good thing, because I'm not sure I would have gotten tested.  So, denial was certainly my friend for a number of years.   

Back to Wayne---I come away not feeling all the bad feelings I was still holding on to.  I had already let many of those go.  Even with what occurred, I decided I needed to accept my role.  And, what good does holding on to blame serve.  But, now, I realize he must have obviously been in so much denial.  Perhaps, even though he apparently knew his status, deep denial made him think he wasn't poz?  I don't know.  The whole thing is extremely sad.  So, I've been asked to attend his memorial service.  I will go.  In a strange way, I feel not only the connection of having been friends for a number or years, but also sharing the same virus.  It is weird.  I feel like the virus we share has won one battle.  Of course, denial is the big victor. 

Instead of making this all about Ted, I'm curious whether any of you have known people, who were in such deep denial, that it ended in death or near death.  Any experiences with the sudden turn to ultra-religious, when they hadn't been before?  I'm curious about how denial is for different people.  When I say I was in denial, it was a conscious denial.  I often worried I probably had the virus, but kept blaming symptoms on other things.  Can some people be in such denial that in their minds they truly believe they are negative, even if they've been told they are poz?  I'm sure this happens.  We know people who've experienced traumatic events (like rape) can totally erase that from their memory.  At least, their brain does as a coping mechanism, but it will often come to their consciousness later in life.  I am so very saddened that Wayne's wake-up call came too late, when things had already progressed too far.  It makes me more appreciative that my wake-up came earlier. 

[spacebarsux]

I'm very sorry for your loss, tednlou.

Hope your friend rests in peace.

[Matty the Damned]

My condolences Teddy.

MtD

[leatherman]

I'm so sorry Teddy to hear about your loss. Though he may have been out of your daily life for a while, he was still a part of your life - and now a part, like so often happens as we continue living and grow older - a part of your life that is gone. Although you may think the virus, your shared virus, has won, it's only won one battle, because you are still winning the war each day that you live, breath and enjoy the life you have.

My deepest condolences to you for this loss, Teddy.

[mecch]

Instead of making this all about Ted,
1) I'm curious whether any of you have known people, who were in such deep denial, that it ended in death or near death. 
2) Any experiences with the sudden turn to ultra-religious, when they hadn't been before? 
3) Can some people be in such denial that in their minds they truly believe they are negative, even if they've been told they are poz?  I'm sure this happens.

I am sorry for your loss.  It was an interesting post by the way, very thoughtful.

1) Yes. But in the 80's and 90's. Not recently.
2) Yes, again in the 80's and 90's.  But not connected to denial. Just the absence of hope and medicine not being what it is today.
3) Yes I do believe this is possible. I think that was the case made for the guy in France who was recently convicted of transmitting HIV.  His shrink said he was deeply deeply in denial.  I don't understand the psychology or the epistemology of this, knowing something and then "unknowing it", but its seems possible about many things in life.

[aztecan]

Hey Teddy,

My condolences. I have known people in denial now who are doing what your friend did.

Most have ended in much the same way.

I don't understand it, but it does happen.

HUGS,

Mark

[denb45]

 I'm curious whether any of you have known people, who were in such deep denial, that it ended in death or near death.

Yeah, I have known many in my 25yrs but, that was their own choice, I may not have agreed w/ them the way the wanted to die, but still their choice,  My condolences for the loss of your friend 

HUGS

Dennis ABQ

[Jeff G]

My condolences Teddy .

[Ann]

Someone I know and briefly dated (pre-hiv) died recently on New Year's day. He was in denial and refused to take meds. Hiv didn't get him directly though - he drank himself to death and died of liver failure. Hiv related nonetheless because he kept himself drunk to avoid having to deal with being poz. Pretty sad.

He went from being a really fit, healthy guy to a walking skeleton with no teeth, all because of his refusal to take care of himself and deal with his hiv. What a waste. I'm actually angry with him for all the unnecessary grief and suffering he caused his family and I couldn't even bring myself to attend his funeral - I was just too damned angry.

I presume you remember forum member Etay? (he has an entry in our In Memoriam forum if you need to jog your memory) He was in denial as well and refused meds, saying that even though he only had a handful of CD4s, he felt great. KS got him and he died within a few short months of starting to feel ill - he passed it off as a chest infection but it was KS in his lungs.

Sorry to hear about your friend, Ted. Denial is a puzzling, scary phenomenon that leads to unnecessary death and wasted lives. Glad you got the wake-up call eventually.

[wolfter]

Sorr for your loss.  I've known many who have followed this exact course.  I never understood it and it used to anger me something fierce.  I guess a part of me understood this during the death sentence years, but it boggles my mind that people still forego treatment.

Take care and best wishes

Wolfie

[LiveWithIt]

Just shows you how important Meds are.

[Miss Philicia]

Sorry for you loss Ted.

In the end, and after all of the hand wringing, opting for a slow death by being in denial about HIV treatment isn't that much different than someone on meds who suddenly decides that suicide is the answer. I've known four people to commit suicide in the past five years, all who were on successful HAART. One was even a psychologist treating HIV patients.

[Theyer]

Condolenses Ted.
Denial is a strange and surprising beast, it ended a loving relationship I was in did not see it coming knocked me flat.

The religious bit , well I think it helps build the denial wall with the added benefit off feeling loved.

Take care , and thanks for the post.
m

[emeraldize]

Sorry for your loss, Ted.
Em

[GSOgymrat]

I am sorry about your friend. Very sad.

Ford

[Assurbanipal]

My condolences on the loss of your friend, Ted.

[karry]

My condolences, Ted.