newbie diagnosis and emotionally disconnected

[lushy]

Thanks for this site- what a find!

I have just been diagnosed- 27th April 2010- about a month ago and will soon start some meds. I have been very nonchalant about it all- very matter of fact and very focussed about doing what needs to be done so I can get on with it.
The trouble is I am generally an emotional sort of person- never had trouble expressing and right now I think I am either in denial or denying my feelings or something as I have hardly shed a tear or felt too down- and that is not like me. I think I have emotionally disconnected myself from it all....and I guess I will hit a wall at some point so I can push through it but am interested to know if anyone esle experienced similar sort of reactions soon after being diagnosed?
I am seeking some professional help so i can harness this before it gets ugly but would appreciate anything anyone has to offer.  I shoudld say my family wont know- they cant handle me being gay so this would be too much but i have four close friends who have been supportive to date so all good there.
Any comments thought and experiences are welcome.

[Hellraiser]

Thanks for this site- what a find!

I have just been diagnosed- 27th April 2010- about a month ago and will soon start some meds. I have been very nonchalant about it all- very matter of fact and very focussed about doing what needs to be done so I can get on with it.
The trouble is I am generally an emotional sort of person- never had trouble expressing and right now I think I am either in denial or denying my feelings or something as I have hardly shed a tear or felt too down- and that is not like me. I think I have emotionally disconnected myself from it all....and I guess I will hit a wall at some point so I can push through it but am interested to know if anyone esle experienced similar sort of reactions soon after being diagnosed?
I am seeking some professional help so i can harness this before it gets ugly but would appreciate anything anyone has to offer.  I shoudld say my family wont know- they cant handle me being gay so this would be too much but i have four close friends who have been supportive to date so all good there.
Any comments thought and experiences are welcome.

I think you are smart to seek professional help.  I've actually talked about this in another thread where after diagnosis all of us mourn for a while.  Your life has changed for the long term and while this is an extra burden to bear it is tolerable.  With HAART HIV is not the same disease it was and this should bring you a lot of comfort.  I personally cried a handful of times after I found out and then quickly picked myself up by the boot straps and moved on to what I could do to make things better for myself.  My best friend doesn't handle his problems this way and still expects me to have a "big breakdown" which frankly I don't see happening.  Everyone's response to terrible news is different however, but I guess after coming here and reading through these forums I saw how normal everyone's life appeared to be post infection and that gave me the strengthof will to realize that this disease was not the end of me.

[john33]

Thanks for this site- what a find!

I have just been diagnosed- 27th April 2010- about a month ago and will soon start some meds. I have been very nonchalant about it all- very matter of fact and very focussed about doing what needs to be done so I can get on with it.
The trouble is I am generally an emotional sort of person- never had trouble expressing and right now I think I am either in denial or denying my feelings or something as I have hardly shed a tear or felt too down- and that is not like me. I think I have emotionally disconnected myself from it all....and I guess I will hit a wall at some point so I can push through it but am interested to know if anyone esle experienced similar sort of reactions soon after being diagnosed?
I am seeking some professional help so i can harness this before it gets ugly but would appreciate anything anyone has to offer.  I shoudld say my family wont know- they cant handle me being gay so this would be too much but i have four close friends who have been supportive to date so all good there.
Any comments thought and experiences are welcome.

I'm sorry you need to be here, but glad you found us. You'll find a wealth of information (check it out when you want to and don't worry about not absorbing it all in one go), on top of which there's a great bunch of people from all over the world, all of us have had this for different amounts of time (not long diagnosed to many,many)(keyword for you there "many) years.

Have a browse through the poasting historys of the different forums, you everything from that much needed daily laugh to medical advice.

On another note, i was diagnosed a few months ago and had much the same reaction to you, in that numb disonnected feeling. If you think you need help ask for it.
Loads of people are going to tell you it get easier to cope, and it does. You will get there.

John

[mecch]

Welcome here!

My reaction to your story is bravo for you. If you feel that you have disconnected, that means you have NOT disconnected, in my opinion. It seems to me you are in crisis mode and your response is constructive and practical and deliberately non emotional for the moment. So, just enjoy all the benefits of your response - you get your HIV / health house in order, you dont fall apart at work or home or with friends and family. I'm sure you'll have the pain and feeling of loss when its the appropriate time for you.

[TabooPrincess]

The fact that you are here and analysing if you are in denial in itself implies that you are not.  I do know what you mean though - I decided I was depersonalised until I did some rating scales and realised I wasn't quite that bad.  Though I do still feel that hiv took a bit of my soul away - the shock etc. It froze me a little bit.

Anyway, denial is a useful defence mechanism for now and you shouldn't fear it.  HIV can only take away as much as you let it take.  Stress is a pain in the arse and if you're still keeping practical then you're minimising possible stress triggers, so that's good. 

There is no time limit for dealing with this - keep reading and gaining knowledge and you'll see that you're gonna be ok.

[lushy]

Thanks everyone for your comments.
The way I see it is that I cant change it so I dont want to expell unnecessary energy being woeful.

I research every night- absorb as much as I can so I can understand HIV better and I have to say that has removed so much worry and finding a site like this is just the best. I  see this as a great opportunity to reevaluate my life and what is important and what is not and I catch myself almost every day taking a little extra time to appreciate life around me - simple things but previously unappreciated or unnoticed. Even the process of considering friends that I may tell- not that they really need to know but it is also helping me identify the value of some of my friendships and the shallowness of others.
So until I get thee to acounsellor, I might just go and get a dvd of BEACHES and see if that will opne any floodgates
Lushy

[Ann]

Hi Lushy, welcome to the forums.

Like you, I was numb when first diagnosed. I didn't cry for a couple weeks. Then one afternoon, I decided to defrost my freezer. I got impatient and started scraping at the ice with a butter knife and punctured one of the freon lines. That opened the floodgates for me and I cried for a few hours - about my fridge, my hiv, everything. It was cathartic.

I felt  like crying when I paid for a new fridge/freezer, but that's another story.

Ann

[hotpuppy]

Lushy,
  Welcome to the site.  I'm sorry to hear about your diagnosis.  Like you, most of us have been angry, sad, depressed, alone, and feeling helpless at one time or another.  It's okay to feel disconnected for a while.  First off, HIV is a slow disease, so you have time on your side.  Second, you are already seeing a doctor and that will help you live a more normal life.  HIV is alot to adjust to.  It can make you feel isolated from your friends and family, although most of the time they are better than you think they will be.  As you come to grips with HIV hopefully you will become a better person.  Feel free to ask others on this site about their methods of overcoming problems you might be facing.  It's very common to feel like nobody has had your particular issue, many times there are others who have been where you are and can lend new perspective on ways to overcome adversity. 

  You've taken the first step by being here and reaching out.  That's a good thing.  I dont' recommend taking your frustrations out on your household appliances  (lol Ann), but it is good to get them out with a friend, the forums, or a counselor.  Good luck and keep us in the loop on how it goes for you.