virtual skip

[penguin]

[This post, kind of virtual skip in which to dump head contents]

I went away for a few days. Hauled a pharmacy of meds to the portugese coast, then crashed out in the sunshine & listened to the ocean. They smile at you there. Proper smile, sparkly eyes. It was nice.
Coming back through Gatwick arrivals, felt the stomach turning hollowness.  best, number 1 girl was not there to meet me. best number 1 girl won't ever be there to meet me again. She, getting married in a few weeks, to a woman who wears heels & has never heard of james taylor. Lesson #42 - don't matter how ace your solicitor is, they can't get you the rest of your heart back.

no idea why I am posting this really, addressing who..? Perhaps I shd put a in here somewhere. that seems to make things less uncomfortable

I try to set small goals. Today I am going to… but no. Socks remain unpaired. Plants stay in pots. Letters don't get written. My body seems to have decided to give up on me. Like, energy gone, proper listless. If I were a dog, nose would be dry & coat dull. I don't look in mirrors anymore. Don't recognise the person looking back.

Seem to have taken up permanent residence in my own little world. I used to leave fairly regularly to check in with the rest of planet earth. Now, just kinda stay there. It's quiet there, lots of sleep, soft colours, woolly jumpers. Bit outside though, bit looking in. probably how pigeons feel, peering through windows. Question: can you miss yourself..?

I average <10 words out loud/day at the moment. Most of those are yes, no and sorry. Sometimes I push the boat out, groups of words like "no, he's not here right now, can I take a message" or "the tree fern looks happier over there". they take more energy, profound statements like that. Funny, because I've always loved words, the using of them.

I imagine scientist somewhere studying me ze subject does not appear to rrrespond to ze stimuli…. like this weird, no feeling place, not hungry, not thirsty, not pain. just cold. tired & cold.

went to use the phone last week, & realised something. almost everyone who understood, really understood, is gone. I seem to have lost them somewhere along the way. very careless of me.

Spent some time with my rock collection this morning, humming along to the sound of rain. Rearranging them, remembering where they all came from. I found some nice ones while I was away. I have put them at the front, where I can see them first.

kate

[Dragonette]

Penguin,

I have read your recent posts for some background info and I found that you are so diverse and colourful, even this post is colurful, but sometimes, we can be lost in a sea of words.

and it is awfully drab outside (we have the same weather system), also, I have to write something equally drab for my work, because I have been sick this week, and all I wanna do is sleep

but still a few days ago you were in that picture and I was in Venice, that's something right?
Take care

[Dachshund]

Dear Katie,

Portugal to your flat via a train out of Gatwick and a basket full of unmatched socks...sounds like my life without the holiday. The socks are all the same sitting there in the basket, it's easier if I don't add any color.

Hal

[Iggy]

Not sure either who you or addressing or why - but wow!  You gave voice to so many things in my own head and it's nice to know that the sound I'm hearing is not my thoughts echoing in solitude but them being voiced by another.

[asaint]

You must be my long lost twin
Bob

[BT65]

Kate:
    I know what you're saying about people who understood being gone.  I don't know any other HIV+ women in my town.  I used to know and communicate regularly with two, but they're dead.
     I have these same moods sometime.  But not like I used to.  I hope you're feeling better soon. 
Peace-
Betty

[sweetasmeli]

(((((((Kate)))))))
Consider yourself cyber-hugged big time.
We're going for coffee/beer/whatever when I get back to British soil...
Check your inbox missy!

Healing thoughts
Melia xxx

[Matty the Damned]

Kate,

An astonishingly beautiful post.

MtD

[penguin]

thank you, all of you - Kate x

(melia, coffee, but we will pretend that it's beer)

[anniebc]

Dear Kate

I agree with Matty, this is a very beautiful post and moved me beyond words.

went to use the phone last week, & realised something. almost everyone who understood, really understood, is gone. I seem to have lost them somewhere along the way. very careless of me

This left me feeling very sad, and becasue I have no words of wisdom to share with you...helpless.

(((hugs)))
Jan