A part of me is gone...

[Staying Strong]

I just found out this past Monday, May 16th, that my test confirmed positive for HIV. I'm 26 years young and thought that I was invincible when it came to sex. I considered myself to be cautious and had usually practiced safe sex habits. Unfortunately my judgement was clouded and I took someone's word and rusted that they were telling me the truth about being negative. At this point I feel so ignorant and full of regret. I have notified my recent sex partner and have told two of my close friends. Still debating on whether or not I want to tell my parents - a part of me wants to, but another part doesn't want to put them through the stress and heartache. I've never even told them that I was gay, and I think it would be an overload of information to tell them that I am gay and that I also contracted HIV. I would believe that is every parents worst fear for their child who is openly gay.

It has only been a little over 48 hours since I have found out, and so far I have done nothing but cry. Today was the first day that I woke up and didn't break down in tears. I still have my moments and feel my eyes begin to fill with tears and my chin to start quivering. It's hard for me to even write this without wanting to cry. I have already reached out to a specialist and have an appointment in 2 weeks to have more lab work done, in order to find out my viral load and CD4 count. I am almost certain that I contracted it in January of this year. So I'm hopeful that I've been able to catch on early and get a handle of this thing early. I feel so lost and alone right now, which is why I decided to join this forum, in hopes for support so that I feel better and quit hating myself for what has happened. I know that this virus can be managed and that it is no longer a death sentence. But, in all honesty I feel like a part of me has died, a part of my soul is gone and I will never get it back. I pray for a happy, healthy, long and prosperous futur. As for now, I need all the support I can get.

Thank everyone in advance for taking the time to read this. Bless you all and if you have any words of advice or encouragement, please comment.

-J

[Jim Allen]

Welcome to the forum.

Really sorry to hear about how upset you have been, and that you feel lost and alone. Your not alone, we are here. Look you are still digesting the news and that can take time.

Good to hear your thinking ahead and have your next appointment already scheduled. Sounds like a plan so stick with that see the Doctor and in the meantime if you need to shout about something feel free to do so, we are here to support each other.

Jim

[Tonny2]

          ojo        Hello and welcome, you are no longer alone, we are here for you...I like when people reconized they got hiv because of their own choice, I don't want to say a bad choice, but, why did you get tested?, what ever the reason, it was a good decision, now you know you have hiv, now you do something about it...you are right, it's not a death sentence anymore, as soon as you start your med/s, you will be normal again...it's ok to cry, but it's better when you realize that life goes on and accept your new normal, which it not bad at all, you can still do the same before your dx, just your sex lefe changes, you will be fine, the fastest you digest you new reality the better for you to keep looking forward....about telling your parents, you need time to digest the news first, nobody can tell you have hiv by lookin at you, so, take your time before disclosing to anyone, focus in getting treatment and feeling better mentally, and time will tell if you disclose to your parents, just a thought...if telling you that I have been living with my inseparable friend hiv for 21 years help you, now you know it, there are even more members on this forum whom have been living with hiv even longer than me...best of luck, your soul will come back, trust me, mine, came back stronger, and I'm still here, getting older, yes, still with mu buddy hiv...again, welcome to the forum, you can count on us...keep us posted...hugs    ojo

[Matland]

hello

i am very sorry for your diagnosis. i can understand what you are feeling right now because i felt the very same thing just a month ago when i learnt that i have hiv. It is very normal what you feel. i still ask questions when i wake up every morning and  i wish i had had a bad dream and it is over now. But no. i had to face the truth. yes i have it. i have to learn living with it. My advice is to you that find something or someone to get strength. It might be a lover who supports you, any of your family member, your hobby, faith whatever... In my case it was my religion. I starte to pray again and hiv reminded me Allah (I am muslim). My mom supported me as much as she can. Now everything is started to settle down once again slowly. I have still many questions in my mind. And thanks to members of this forum, they answer them in detail. So these people are very kind and supportive. You are not alone. First of all start your treatment and focus on how you can manage of it. Sometimes you feel very depressed that's very normal. Just post here. There are many experienced people here. They answer genuinly. feel free to contact.

[JosephP]

  Well, sorry we have to meet under these circumstances, but what is done is done and from now on is just up! It gonna be three years since my dx and I can tell you that it does get better. I did too cry at night after my diagnosis but slowly and slowly I have been recovering my wits. It is tough and takes a toll. Every one deals with it differently, but one thing we all have in common besides HIV is that we are ALIVE!!! Surround yourself whit people that can lift you up. Give yourself to a charity or get involved in your faith. It helps a lot! Stay on your meds, they have an awesome side effect: they keep you alive!!!! There are many guys/gals here that are true trailblazers in this hiv road and can and will offer tremendous help, encouragement and direction... And remember, you are not dying of HIV, we are living with HIV!!! Take care...

[hiv_rizzy]

Please be strong and be here so we all can give each other support. It's been hard for many of us but trust me It's wonderful seeing many success stories here. Welcome

[Staying Strong]

Thank you all for your kindness and words of encouragement. It has been a very rough week and it means so much to me that there are people out there willing to reach out and give me support, even though I have never met any of you.
Today was the first day I did not wake up and want to crawl back into bed, just to avoid this reality and hope that crying will solve my problems. I have began to accept what is happening to me and have an optimistic outlook on this journey I am about to partake. I will fight this with a vengeance and never give up hope. My faith is stronger than ever and it will continue to grow. I cannot dwell on what has happened, the past is the past and all I can do now is keep my head held high and march forward. I have told my best friend about what I am going through, and he is in disbelief and denial about it all (which I expected). But he has promised to stay by my side and give me the support that I need. I am truly blessed to have him in my life. At this point I have decided to not tell anyone else, at least not until I better understand what my future holds. The stigma that surrounds people living with this illness is disheartening and until I am more knowledgeable and able to answer any questions presented to me, I will keep my status to myself. However, that does not mean I won't disclose my status to future potential partners - but I also do not plan on engaging in any sexual behavior until I know I will not put any other persons health at risk. I was not given this same respect and that person did not disclose their status with me, ultimately putting me in this current situation. As much hate and anger that I have for this person, I can only pray for them and hope that they do not do the same to other people.
I will continue to post updates in the next few months and I invite you all to be a part of this with me - I want you all to be part of this. Again, I thank every one of you from the bottom of my heart for your helping hands. I now know that I am not in this alone and that there are people out there willing to help, all I need to do is ask. I will stay strong.

-J