POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Positive Women => Topic started by: poz40 on November 25, 2010, 07:51:20 am
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Hello ladies, I am new here. I was diagnosed 5 years ago, since then I have dated 2 men who dissapear immediately I told them about my status.
Last time I went on a date was 2 years ago, I am lonely and would love to date again an possibly marry , I think life is meant to be shared.
How r u all doing it? Do you think online dating on regular sites like eharmony a good idea?
All the HIV dating sites dont seem to have much active members in my area/
I am scared of the rejection from dates once they find out about my status. I know its their loss and all that......... but it still hurts.
Any advice??
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Wow ! 38 views and no reply?
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Sorry about that Poz40. Some of those 38 views might have been men and they aren't allowed to post in the women's forum. Many of our female members have not been posting lately, probably because of the holidays. You know how much of the preparation usually falls to us women!
Anyway, welcome to the forum!
Have you tried POZ Personals (http://personals.poz.com/)? I think some people have had success there. There are a few women here who have used internet dating sites, some without much success, but one woman here recently married a guy she met online. She's poz, he's neg, so it is possible.
I didn't answer you myself right off because I'm in such a different position to you that I didn't quite know what to say that might be of any use.
I'm in a relationship with a poz man, in fact he's the man from whom I acquired my virus. We split up a few years before either of us were diagnosed and got back together again three years ago (nearly seven years after diagnosis). During the time we were apart, I was with a negative man - I was with him when I was diagnosed - and he stuck by me. I split up with him and hiv didn't have much to do with it. He stayed hiv negative even though we had a full sex life.
I'm very open about my hiv status in my community. I live on an island in the middle of the Irish Sea and we have a population of only around 70,000, so as you might imagine, everyone in my town pretty much knows each other. Many people know my status and I never get any problems - or very, very rarely. There have been several negative men who want to date me regardless.
Where I live is not some liberal utopia either. Most people here are more on the conservative side but I still have not had any significant problems concerning my hiv status being stigmatised nor have I been openly discriminated against.
I think a lot of that has to do with my own attitude towards my virus. I don't let it rule my life and I'm not ashamed of having it. It's just a virus that anyone who has had unprotected intercourse can get and let's face it, that's most of the adult population of the planet.
I've yet to have a negative man run the other way when I told him that I'm poz. I've even tried to use it to ward off unwanted advances and it didn't work.
So I guess I don't know what to advise you regarding men running when they find out you're poz. All I can say is just be yourself and don't EVER be ashamed of having hiv. It's just a darn virus! One thing I will mention though... I ALWAYS disclose right off the bat. I don't wait until the first or second date or whatever, I tell them right away. This gives me two advantages. One, if they were thinking of asking me out but change their mind because of hiv, they can just not say anything and I'm none the wiser and my feelings don't get hurt. Two, if they're going to be assholes about my status, I'll know before I invest any time or energy in them. If they can't handle people with hiv, they have no place in my life.
Sorry you didn't feel more warmly welcomed, 40. It's probably just the Thanksgiving holiday so please don't take it personally. You might want to check out the "Ladies Threads" that appear throughout the women's forum. It's where many of us post about our daily lives. I have to admit I don't post in those threads myself much, but that's just because I spend so much time on the rest of the site (as an admin/moderator).
Hugs,
Ann
xxx
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I truly believe that the right person for us won't have an issue with the virus. Infact, they'll enhance your life and love and support you through thick and thin. Those who reject you are perhaps not the kind of person you want to be with anyway so you get to find out early on!
The thought of dating petrifies me though, I know what you mean. I've only disclosed to one person and that took 2 years and a lot of wine. The thought of disclosing to a near stranger seems ridiculous.
Let us know how you get on - and keep remembering that everything happens for a reason, wait for that perfect man who will accept you for who you are!
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Hey Poz40,
Sorry it's taken me awhile to respond. I've been diagnosed for 21 years, and have been married to an HIV- man; also had a relationship with an HIV- woman. They both knew from the start about my status. I'm very open about it. I work at an Aids Service Organization, and most of my clients know my status as well. That way, when I tell them I understand, they can know I really do.
Now, back to the dating. Ann's given you some good advice. I don't have anything left to add, as I'm single, and want to stay that way. I'm too selfish and bitter for a relationship. :) Anyway, good luck.
Also, check out our ladie's thread,as Ann mentioned. It's where we chat about anything and everything, and we would sure welcome you!
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Betty
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Hey Poz---
Well, it's definitely not an easy thing at least for me. I have been on the Poz Personal site off and on, now on again. The one thing I have noticed is that a lot of men do not post pics of themselves, I guess due to privacy issues. Honestly, I have heard good and bad about the site but I think that is with any dating site. I had been recently rejected from someone I had met on the site due to the fact that I was not fat enough. Yeah you read it right. I don't look sickly or anything like that, I guess he just like BBW. I fall under the thick category.
And I recently blogged about dating on my blog, just click the purple link below. You will get the opinions of men (gay and straight) as well as from women on how they feel about dating online. I hope it helps, it helped me a great deal. And like you, I try to stay hopeful that there is someone out there for me. Like someone told me once, you gotta kiss a lot of frogs sometimes before you find your Prince. So I invested in chapstick.... :D
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Hi Poz, I also had a few runners after disclosing my status. Then I met this guy. I had totally decided not to disclose coz i thought it wasnt going to be anything serious. Anyway he did find out (we went and got tested together - he was neg) and we're still together after more than a year. He's the one who dragged me to the doctor to start meds and makes sure i eat well. He's so totally supportive. So like Queen said, you'll meet some frogs but your prince is out there
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poz40
Ann I think hit it with alot of those views. I am sorry I did not respond, I am not on as much lately as I used to be alot of reasons but lately with holidays and being pregnant I am so crazy.
Anyway I really can not offer much advice since I too was diagnosed 5 years ago but at that time I was already married to my husband for like 3 years. I thought I was going to see fire as he ran out of the hosital room (I was in for a month with PCP which is how I found out) but he stayed. He stayed even against my telling him to go since he did not deserve to have to deal with this.
Anyway, there are men out there that are very understanding. I think you should be honest from the start, be patient. I do not know about any online sites so everyone else can give you that information.
I do want to wish you luck and again be patient they are out there.
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POZ40,
When I came to this site 3 years ago I thought I was finished dating! Yet everyone supported me and cheered me on. I had recently lost my husband and thought since I was positive, I was done. On the Poz site I met a wonderful man and we will be getting married at the end of the month. He has brought such joy and love to my life. I realized if I hadn’t taken the chance and let him into my life, I would still be alone. Believe me I met a few frogs along the way but just made up my mind I would wait until I met the right guy, one that made me happy and would except me for who I am. So hang in there, you will find someone. ~missy
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It's great to hear such encouraging words. I've known of my positive status for about 4 years, I hadn't dated mcuh before my diagnosis and not at all since. How do you put your fears of rejection behind you?
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One foot at a time...
It's hard. I'm with you at this moment in my life. Fear of rejection while in a relationship though...
Good luck, there are many "listening" ears here and lots of good advice. See ya around.
Amanda
http://h1vpos1t1ve.blogspot.com/ (http://h1vpos1t1ve.blogspot.com/)
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I'm newly diagnosed. I'm 21 years old and I found out October 13th of 2010. I spoke to someone who's been diagnosed 20+ years. She's married now and didn't tell her partner til things got deep between them. They've been married 3 years now. Just like you, I've been on several dates and have been treated unfairly because of my honesty. So I'm gonna take her advice.
My mom knows my status and has seen me hurt. She told me that when I find a guy who accepts me and loves me for who I am. I get discouraged too but I know that all the guys who have rejected me aren't good for me anyway :)