punishing myself - healing myself

[danniel]

Hi - first of all let me say that I think you are doing a great job - I have learned a lot reading the threads and your replies. One of the biggest helps is as usual to see that I am not alone with my paranoia.

I almost hesitate to write it because it seems to mirror so many other cases that you have replied to but as others I am seeking reassurance and some advice.

OK here we go - 5 weeks ago I had insertive oral sex with two guys (on two different days) in a cruising area - the first sucked my dick shortly and then took some poppers which i do not like  - I left him and saw that he had swollen lymphnodes behind the ears. I just jerked off on my own (with some guys watching me). The second one sucked my dick longer and then i jerked off and came outside his mouth.

3 days later i noticed some discomfort when urinating and there was some discharge - I went to see a doctor and they analysed the urine and found imflammation signs but (in the urine culture) no specific bacteria. I took antibiotics (oroflaxin) for 10 days and the symptoms went away. About one week later (after a week of hard work - no sleeping - social contact with many people) - I got a slight fever which lasted about 3 days.

Then i started being worried (and to make assumptions) - thinking about the first person with the lymph nodes swollen surely being positive and my dick being for some reason hypersensitive to hiv...etc. etc. etc. in my mind there was only one connection possible - I had my dick sucked - I got a fever 10 days later - I got hiv...I started reading on the net - feeling like thrown into hot and cold water - going up and down depending on what I read. Touching my lymphnodes - looking for rashes - looking for herpes - looking for warts....you name it - i felt I got it.

Not an uncommon reaction for me - I overreact always when i think i have something - be it cancer or hiv or whatever - a hypochondriac if you wish. Additionally I am in a relationship and hadnt sleept around before - it was the first time - it happened - I dont kow why - I was a bit drunk, horny, lonely it was a nice night out...so additionally to the hypochondria - i feel I am punishing myself because I have overstepped my own rules but i can analyse myself for hours and it doesnt help me.

The panic has me in its grip and life seems finished. OK - I know what you will say - the risk i had was as small as being hit my a meteorite (still that happens) - and I am not afraid of meteorites - the minute chance of being hit by one does not make my life miserable but somehow I apply a reverse logic here: for some reason - because I had a fever I see it as certain that i was hit by a meteorite...so to speak.

Now what do i do? Test in a few months - yes probably. But even if i test negative I should learn something from this episode or if i test positive i should take the time to prepare myself for this because it is not the end and i need to have tools not to punish myself then by thinking - oh it is your own fault - now you can never be happy again.

I think I need therapy to work on myself to manage these panics about my health better. Do you have any advice on this - what kind of counselling has proven to work well with these fears? This whole affair could be a blessing if I use it correctly because if I could learn how to manage my long term fears then my life would improve and I could be able face the challenges that it will bring anyway - with or without hiv.

I am having a 'good moment' this is why i am writing so sober - when I have bad moments I am paralysed and either do nothing or cry.

Thanks for being there

Danniel

[Ann]

Dan,

It doesn't matter one little bit whether or not the man who sucked you was positive or not. Getting a blowjob is absolutely not a risk for hiv infection. Not one person has ever been infected from getting sucked and you will NOT be the first.

Forget the symptoms, they mean nothing in terms of hiv infection. Go see your doctor because it has nothing to do with hiv. You did not become infected from getting a blowjob. No way, no how.

You need to be using condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse, every time, no exceptions until such time as you are in a securely monogamous relationship where you have both tested for ALL STIs together. To agree to have unprotected intercourse is to consent to the possibility of being infected with a sexually transmitted infection.

Have a look through the condom and lube links in my signature line so you can use condoms with confidence.

Anyone who is sexually active should be having a full sexual health care check-up, including but not limited to hiv testing, at least once a year and more often if unprotected intercourse occurs.

If you aren't already having regular, routine check-ups, now is the time to start. As long as you make sure condoms are being used for intercourse, you can fully expect your routine hiv tests to return with negative results. Don't forget to always get checked for all the other sexually transmitted infections as well, because they are MUCH easier to transmit than hiv.

Use condoms for anal or vaginal intercourse and you will avoid hiv infection. It really is that simple.

Ann

[danniel]

Thanks very much Ann for your reply!

Even though i expected it (from what i read on this site) - it feels good to read it. I think my panic is calming a bit and i also understand that I have to be responsible in the future even using condoms for oral just to avoid other STDs. I will also get checked next week on other STDs. I will also start therapyfor my panic attacks - I'd still appreciate if anyone has any experience with therapy for that especially related to fear of diseases.

So that should be ok. What worries me in a way is that there is this great divide on the Internet about oral sex and many people are worrying a lot because they can read so many different opinions. Once you have a clear mind and know who to trust it is fine - but when you are already panicking then any rubbish you read can fuel your panic.

I guess that is just something we have to live with on the internet - it is free for anyone to post what they want so we get the good and the bad.

Not much more to say for the moment - just that this is a great site.

Take care

Dan

[Ann]

Dan,

I believe a therapy called Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT) has a good success rate when dealing with these kinds of anxieties. A course of CBT can last between six and twelve weeks, depending on how quickly the client picks up on the techniques. CBT teaches you how to stop repeating the thoughts that increase your anxiety. (that's a basic "in a nutshell" definintion of CBT) You'll have to get in touch with a local mental health care provider to see what sort of therapies are on offer.

Good luck and remember, getting a blowjob is NOT a risk for hiv infection.

Ann

[danniel]

Thanks Ann, I will look out for that kind of therapy. Again I would like to say thanks for all the patience you have with people like me because reading through the answers you gave to other blow job worriers certainly helped me to look at my panic a bit more realistically. I will keep you posted on how the therapy works on me and maybe that can help others as well.
Take care
Dan