How to handle unwanted disclosure

[texfire]

Hi,

I've been knowingly + 3 months now.  I've told 2 people, the guy I was dating when I found out and the guy from before that.
Today, an acquaintance came up to me in the bar and said they were sorry to hear I was +.
I made it quite clear to these two that I did not want it spread around.
Guy #1 who I was semi dating and still sorta am knows this acquaintance but he is denying he told him.
Guy #2 we broke up, he pretty much used me, but I'm unaware he knows the acquaintance.  I haven't spoke to him yet.
If both deny, one is lying.  Should I just accept this as the way gossipy gays are?  I"m in healthcare so I have a bit of an interest in this not getting public.

Thanks...
texfire

[Matty the Damned]

There's nothing you can do to stop people who know telling others who don't know. It's simply the way of these things. Gays (or any other sort for that matter) are gossipy and they're gonna tell people your dirty little secret.

Really the best defence is offence in situations like this. If people are going to find out, how do you want them to hear it? From some drunken sodomite in a sleazy bar who will only know part of the story, or from you?

MtD

[rondrond]

There's nothing you can do to stop people who know telling others who don't know. It's simply the way of these things. Gays (or any other sort for that matter) are gossipy and they're gonna tell people your dirty little secret.

Really the best defence is offence in situations like this. If people are going to find out, how do you want them to hear it? From some drunken sodomite in a sleazy bar who will only know part of the story, or from you?

MtD

And basically, he has said it all in a nutshell. Personally, I would prefer they heard it from me.

[beaubrent]

I have a theory that everyone tells at least one person that they know you are positive - promise though they might against it. I think people like to think they can all confide in someone else, but secrets don't hold out.

This is why I think it is hard to stay secretly HIV positive. Since the cat is out of the bag, better to spend your energy on learning to live with people knowing. It can even be a rewarding way to find support and to find other folks in the same boat.

[dixieman]

I understand where your coming from... I've found people on this site who have notified others of myself being positive... not caring and or thinking the ramifications of telling others if, when, or anything about myself personally. I had one person ask me in person if I were positive and that someone I knew had told them... all I said my little comeback remark... What difference does it make if I am and or not positive and if this person stated I was positive where did they get their information? Do they have access to my medical records? is this person my doctor? but, this generally happens in a community where people seem to try to offset their differences with being bitchy, nasty and or just running their mouths... "gossip" so I've come to the conclusion... oh well this bugs a part of me... lol take or leave it... its just not a gift I would share even with my worst enemy... Who cares what others think... its what you think that counts.  I know its alot to deal with... I just make the best of a bad situation... and move on.

[bear60]

Once upon a time,  before HIV was really an issue in our lives,  I had a friend who would get drunk at the bar and tell us stuff about himself.  Little did I know that what he was teling me,  HE thought was "confidential".  After learning that I had repeated some of the information to a mutual acquaintence, HE became angry with me.  Honestly I was kind of taken back since he seemed to be putting that information out there.  Perhaps your friends did not get the message about confidentiality......OR perhaps you shouldnt have disclosed to them if you wanted it confidential.

modified to add: Now, if someone says to me  "This is strictly confidential or can you keep a secret, I say no...I cant.  Dont tell me.

[bearby]

I must concour with the thoughts echoing about disclosure .
 I made it a point to make every one that I came in contact with that I had aids and was doing well on the meds prescribed by my id Dr.
 Now this disclosure by me did bring about it's own ramifications in my life but hey at least they heard it right from the horse's mouth so they all just let it lay ( TG)  which  end the end result brought me an extra layer of support within it's self .
 Since my family knows ( as far as I know most of them know about my aids status ) they have all been very supportive of my life and my mate thus far .
Ok so  some times the subject gets broached to which I will willingly answer their  questions to the best of my ability to which I end up getting a hug from some of the red neck side of the family for being so bold as to have empowered my self with the knowledge to be able to take " such good care of my self ' while still maintaining my sanity from all of those uninformed ppl in the  world ( thank you Mr. Bush ) who deems us as tainted or even worse should all be herded into one place on earth  as if we were lepers .
 Now with the hiv / aids infection rates back on the rise once again  who's going to be able to make a difference but those of us who have this disease by coming  right out and giving specific details to the rest of the world about how we contracted it and what the results have been of dealing with it on a daily basis .
 I mean with med side effects and those not in the know about   what  this disease brings with it who on earth would willingly want it  I know that i sure as hades wouldn't other this weary wracked vessel that I now reside in would still be able to  be and  remain a productive member of the working class  which alas due to the benefits from all the sources that i get them from  will make getting back to working once again much less of a benefit .
 I mean do I loose my part b payments and also the minimum payments of the 7  meds I take on a daily basis or do I once again want to  go to making a paycheck once a week to try and  trick my self into believing tha every thing is still as it was long ago .
 But alas it's half of one 6 of the other so which way does one turn in  a situation such as this  I am now thinking that I should be like every one else in such a situation and go with the status quo and remain where I am  right now .

[raveboijosh]

Well, I can relate... I live in a small town... and it almost seems like everyone knows or something... but the thing is I told everyone that matters in my life about whats going on because I really need positive support from them to keep on goin.... and as far as any negativity I have recieved... not any at all.... at first when I found out I was scared I was going to be outcasted and whatnot.... (especially from gay people I knew).... and a few of my gay friends told some other gay friends and so on and so forth.... and that upset me... but then I realized you know I really don't care who knows as long as they don't have a negative attitude about it... I mean gay peeps can be quite judgemental about the situation  (the disease)... but the fact of the matter is... all those gay people will be affected by it some how or another in their life times... someone they love dearly or are really good friends with could end up with it at anytime....  So for me I just try and surround myself with people with a positive and loving and caring attitude towards me and just say fuck the rest of the people who don't (not literarlly he he...) but you know what I mean...

I am just a firm believer in that staying healthy and alive you have to be surrounded by positivity.... I mean yes the med's saved my life but so did my positive attitude..

Anyways thats my 2 cents... Peace.. I hope all works out for u!

[tendai]

i dont think im ready for such unwanted disclosure and im sure if someone came up to me and said something like that i'd show them my mean face. thats just where i am with acceptance of the virus..