Author Topic: My Behavior (Read 6332 times)

Buckmark · « **on:** May 17, 2007, 02:25:41 pm »

Monday evening, my friend Tom calls and suggests we have supper
some time this week, which we did last night. To my surprise, my
good friend Adam joins us. My gut tells me this isn't just a coincidence,
or a friendly meal, and I was right.

Shortly after our meals arrive, they both tell me they are "concerned"
about my "behavior" lately. They cite instances of me talking about
events that aren't happening, or talking about people whom I don't
even know, or whom have passed, as if they were a regular part of my
current life. Apparently last weekend I was talking about going to visit
my mother (even though she died over 30 years ago).

In short, they both say they are extremely concerned about my
health (which I interpret to mean "mental" health), to such a degree
that they felt the need to bring it to my attention. And they strongly
suggested I need to see a medical professional (i.e. a psychiatrist).

Frankly, this scares the shit out of me. I guess I am gratified for their
concern. But frightened to think that I am apparently behaving so strangely.
Even worse, it is more frightening to think there are times when I am
not aware of, or in control of, what I am doing.

I'm really fucking angry right now, not to mention scared
and confused. Not angry with my friends, but with me.
Isn't it enough that I have to deal with having HIV? Do I have to
have some (quite possible serious?) mental health issue too? What have
I fucking done to deserve this?

I called and made an appointment with my ID doctor, as he is the only
medical professional I feel comfortable talking to right now. I'm also going
to discuss this with my therapist tomorrow, to see if he's noticed anything
that could suggest a more serious problem (if he hasn't I'm beginning to think
he is either useless or clueless.

It could be just an interaction with my HIV and anti-depressant meds (not
that either of these have changed in years). But the possibilities and consequences
seem horrific right now (especially based on my family history of mental health problems).

I know there's nothing anyone can do for me right now, but I'm grateful
there are folks here to listen.

Henry

thunter34 · « **Reply #1 on:** May 17, 2007, 02:44:53 pm »

Yipes, Henry.

Sorry to hear about that. Here to listen if you need me.

Keep us posted.

woodshere · « **Reply #2 on:** May 17, 2007, 02:51:29 pm »

Henry,

I don't think you have done anything to deserve what you are going through. None of us have really, but unfortunately things happen that push us to our limits. Fortunately you have good friends who are concerned for you and will support you. Plus you are being very proactive by making an appointment with your dr and being willing to talk with your therapist.

As Tim said, there are many here for you,
Best to you,
Woods

redhotmuslbear · « **Reply #3 on:** May 17, 2007, 02:52:24 pm »

Henry,
Some quick observations....

1. You're damned lucky to have friends who would confront you regarding delusional behavior.

2. There's nothing to be angry with yourself over. Your brain chemistry has been tweaked by pharmaceuticals, genetics, or both..... assuming you aren't dropping LSD or other psyhodelics. Mental health problems are rarely something we have inflicted upon ourselves.

3. If you're on Sustiva, get off it. Your 'behavior' sounds like the waking version of some of the most extreme efavirenz-induced distortions of reality. My pale redheaded partner dreamed his brother was a larger version Barry White eating the innards of a live chicken before trying to kill him--I shiver to think what would have happened if he had a waking episode!

Peace,
David

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #4 on:** May 17, 2007, 03:56:14 pm »

Henry
I'm sorry you're up against this right now. I'm glad you have caring friends who are looking out for you. And it's a good thing that you're addressing this right away and not ignoring it. When do you see your doc? Keep us posted with what he and your therapist say and just let us know how you're doing...even if it's just to have a rant. We are here to listen and help if we can.
Kind thoughts and a big (((hug)))
Melia

milker · « **Reply #5 on:** May 17, 2007, 04:39:44 pm »

It is good that your friends care about you and made you aware of this. If this is a recent condition there are good chances that your doctor will be able to pinpoint the problem and get you adequate treatment so that will be only a forgotten story.

Milker.

BT65 · « **Reply #6 on:** May 17, 2007, 04:45:31 pm »

Henry-
So sorry you're going through this. Your doctor will be able to get to the bottom of this and refer you to someone who can help. Don't give up!

Central79 · « **Reply #7 on:** May 17, 2007, 05:50:46 pm »

Dear Henry

I just wanted to post and offer my support. I too think that you are lucky to have such good friends who love you enough to draw this to your attention. I think it speaks volumes for your ability to interact in the world that you have friends like that.

Whether this is drug induced or not, there are lots of options available to help you get on top of this, and I wish you all the best. Don't be angry at yourself - mental illness is organic in nature, just like cancer. It is nothing you have done.

Matt.

jimw · « **Reply #8 on:** May 17, 2007, 05:53:02 pm »

You have two great friends - to sit you down and talk to you about a problem they have seen in your behavior - count yourself lucky there.
You are doing the right thing in seeing your doc and therapist ASAP.
You are in my thoughts.
hugs, Jim

Dragonette · « **Reply #9 on:** May 18, 2007, 06:57:30 am »

Reagrding the Sustiva, I am switching next week for mental reasons. My social worker at the hospital told me that she had to insist with the docs quite a few times that people be switched from Sustiva because she saw them go into downright psychosis, while the docs themselves didn't notice (ID docs tend to ask you how you are rather than observe how you are).

There is also something called AIDS-related dementia, I don't know much about it, except that it can happen when CD4s are low? The veterans on this forum will know more than me about this I am sure.

I have to say Henry, regardless of any peculiarities that your friends observed, you are one of the nicest most SANE people on this forum (not to ay other people are not-sane but just you always seem so laidback and, well, balanced!). I feel so much for you and am really saddened to hear that you are experiencing a temporary chemical "distortion". Please keep writing and supporting others on the forums, your outlook & experience are very valuable here........

Hugs,

LT · « **Reply #10 on:** May 18, 2007, 07:55:51 am »

What meds are you taking - both ARV's and Anti-depressants.

I've had several experiences where the health professionals I count on, have missed an interaction between those two. Some Anti-D's are metabolized (ie taken out of the system) by the same liver enzymes the ARV's use. Therefore it is easy to overdose on the Anti-D.

I know I lost a job in the mid 90's due to being buzzed out of my gourd, and therefore having poor work performance, because of this effect. Kind of ruined me actually.

And if on those occasions your friends cited, a drink or two was involved, it could easily magnify the effect.

Because of those instances, I make sure I tripple ask about interactions. Ask both the doctor, and the pharmacist. Ask if they are SURE. Tell them to check it again. Then I check it myself.

For me Retonovir (both alone and in Kaletra) was the big culprit.

Just a year ago I was changing to lower dose Anti-D's, then cutting those pills into smaller portions to try and keep me from overdosing. I finally told the Docs I'd had enough. I was getting suicidal. If I had to make a choice between ARV and Anti-D, I'd go back to full dose anti-depressants and drop the ARV. We changed ARV's to something that didn't conflict with the Anti-D's.

I get a little emotional on this issue. I don't think there's been enough research into ARV - other drug interactions. And I get pissed as hell when the health care professionals the we all DEPEND on checking for this kind of problem, slip up, screw up, and miss it. If it has happened to me THREE TIMES, how many thousands of other people have been bit? Maybe tens of thousands. Have there been deaths because of it?

There are three good drug interaction sites on the web. You may need to use the generic drug name instead of the brand name for interactions to show. And not all of them show everything.

The people who sponsor this site have a good one:
https://www.aidsmeds.com/cmm/

University of Liverpool:
http://www.hiv-druginteractions.org/frames.asp?drug/drg_main.asp

The Toronto General Hospital site is a little less user friendly, but a good backup
http://www.tthhivclinic.com/interact_tables.html

If you want to forward me your med specifics, I gladly do the research for you.

LT

RapidRod · « **Reply #11 on:** May 18, 2007, 08:16:07 am »

Henry, you are not alone my friend.

AlanBama · « **Reply #12 on:** May 18, 2007, 10:09:33 am »

Henry,

I hope your I.D. doctor will refer you to someone who can help you with these problems. Mental problems are very scary, for the one who is having them and for their loved ones. Sending you love and hugs...

Alan

aztecan · « **Reply #13 on:** May 18, 2007, 10:40:52 am »

Henry,

I will echo you have a couple of good friends there. You have already been given good advice and are already taking action, so I will just add I will be here to support you.

BIG HUGS,

Mark

(Who apologizes for his lack of eloquence but is having a sustiva morrning.)

Buckmark · « **Reply #14 on:** May 18, 2007, 09:56:30 pm »

I'm grateful to everyone for their words of support -- I can't thank you enough.
I did see my therapist earlier this afternoon, and so I figured I'd try to give you
all a brief update. I described everything to my therapist (the fact that my friends'
felt they needed to make me aware of my behavior, as well as the apparent
delusional behavior). He was clearly concerned (ya think?), and felt that I absolutely
needed to speak with a psychiatrist to get an opinion from a medical professional. Oh boy.

The rest of the time we talked about the behavior as my friends described it.
My therapist just helped guide me through a discussion of the behaviors (what I
thought I was doing, and who I thought I was talking to). I think he was trying
to verify what might be real and what might not be. I'm embarassed to admit
that I remember some of my bizarre behavior, which I am too ashamed to describe here.

I really have no idea what is or could be going on. I don't think it is HIV-related,
as I've had pretty good test results the past 3 years since starting medication
(viral load undetectable, CD4s in the 400-500 range, percentage between 24-26).
On the other hand I have been positive close to 19 years now.

My HIV meds are Truvada and Sustiva. I can't help be suspicious of the Sustiva,
and will probably ask my ID doc to switch me to something else right away.
As for anti-depressants, I am taking 200 mg of Wellbutrin twice a day. From what
I can research I should not be having any interactions. I also have no history of
hallucenogic drug use. It's probably been 20 years since I've had any 420. And
maybe 2-3 alcoholic drinks a week, at the most -- but I'm for sure staying away
from even that for the time being.

What is most troubling is second-guessing every thought I have and move I make,
wondering if I am making any sense, or if I am out of control and delusional. It's
not a situation that inspires any confidence in decision-making. I've probably re-read
and re-worded this posting for about 50 minutes. And, being described as "delusional"
is just plain embarassing.

I'll let everyone know what my ID doctor says next week. Thanks again to everyone
for caring.

Henry

BT65 · « **Reply #15 on:** May 18, 2007, 10:07:46 pm »

Here's hoping when your doc switches you to another med that this all goes away! I'm sending a kiss to you from me!

Basquo · « **Reply #16 on:** May 18, 2007, 10:14:24 pm »

Henry, you've been on my mind since I read the this thread this morning. I can't say I've got anything more to offer than what's been posted, except that I've thought I'm crazy for most of my life, and even with generous insurance for the last 8 years I've not sought help. I'm glad you are acknowledging that you may have more serious problems. I hope to see you this summer at the Oz Parties, and for sure in San Francisco for AMG.

Best, and Love,
Creighton

Longislander · « **Reply #17 on:** May 19, 2007, 01:44:12 am »

Henry,

I hope it is the Sustiva, and you get an equally succesful substitution.

I also have to say, first thing I thought was, 'wow, Henry's got some GREAT friends'. We're your friends too, so do be embarrassed here.

Paul

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #18 on:** May 19, 2007, 12:25:31 pm »

Thanks for the update, Henry. Again, I’m sorry that you are faced with this.

It must be very frightening as well as frustrating to not be sure of what you’re doing/saying or why you’re doing/saying it.

Try not to feel embarrassed; it takes a lot of courage to share something like this with friends, let alone with people online you have never met. I salute you for that. I also salute the fact that you have lived and battled with HIV for 19 years. I will always make time to stop and listen to the words of anyone who has done that.

I hope you succeed in finding suitable help to get to the bottom of this; maybe your ID doctor will provide you with some words of explanation and/or support.

In the meantime, know that you’re in my thoughts and I’ll be looking out for your next update.

Hugs to you
Melia x

frenchpat · « **Reply #19 on:** May 19, 2007, 01:26:18 pm »

Henry,

you are much more experienced than I am in living with hiv and i feel I have little else to offer you other than to let you know that I think of you and wish you find a solution to this.

I am sending you most positive thoughts and a big ((((((((((((((((HUG))))))))))))))

Pat

Andy Velez · « **Reply #20 on:** May 19, 2007, 05:14:12 pm »

Henry, you need to know you're handling this very well. You're taking the right steps to check up on things. You've also been courageous and accessible about accepting the concern expressed by your friends. That is no small thing.

Obviously it's very unsettling to deal with this. Keep talking about it in safe places -- with your therapist, your doctor, your friends and of course here. You have nothing, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, to be ashamed about nor to criticize yourself about.

This is going to get worked out. No kidding.

Hugs and cheers,

Buckmark · « **Reply #21 on:** May 26, 2007, 02:15:48 pm »

I wanted to give y'all a brief update on what's been going on this
past week. I did see my ID doctor on Tuesday, and agreed to switch
me from Sustiva to Viramune to see if it could possible the source of
my unusual thoughts and behavior. I also visited a psychiatrist on Friday
(my ID doc pulled some strings). An uncomfortable experience for me.

We're going to wait and see if the switch to Viramune makes any
difference in my recent "episodes". Then we might try some other
medications if need be. Can't change too many things at one, otherwise
it is difficult to know what the cause is.

I do want to thank everyone for their support, and I'll be writing more
about what is going on when I feel a little more certain of what actually
is going on.

Thanks,

Henry

Dragonette · « **Reply #22 on:** May 26, 2007, 02:48:31 pm »

Hi Henry,

I made the switch myself 2 days ago, so far so good. I don't feel a change, but it takes up to 2 weeks for Sustiva to leave the body (I think, or am I confusing with marijuana?). Anyway I wanted to send warm wishes your way. Take good care.

bear60 · « **Reply #23 on:** May 26, 2007, 02:55:33 pm »

No one brought up the Wellbutrin.....thats a lot 400 mgs a day. I was on 150 mgs a day and had a very bad (wierd) experience with it. I can only think that this is part of the problem for you. Hope not ....but none the less concerned for you.
Keep us posted about the progress you are making. Hugs!!!

sweetasmeli · « **Reply #24 on:** May 26, 2007, 04:41:06 pm »

Thanks again for the update, Henry. I'm glad to see your ID doctor seems very proactive in trying to get to the bottom of this. I hope the meds switch is indeed the key. Fingers crossed! Will be looking out for further updates...

By the way, looking forward to meeting you in SF...

Hugs
Melia x

Iggy · « **Reply #25 on:** May 27, 2007, 10:49:28 am »

Quote

I also visited a psychiatrist on Friday
(my ID doc pulled some strings). An uncomfortable experience for me.

The first time I went I spent the whole first session waiting for him to ask me about my mother as that's what I assumed they did.

Just a heads up....it is gonna get a whole lot more uncomfortable....and then if the shrink is worth his wrap it will get a whole lot better. I know that sounds like just a colloquialism but it's true - you got to muck through a lot of shit to get your head cleaned out.

Quote

Can't change too many things at one, otherwise it is difficult to know what the cause is.

Definitely agree with this and am glad that you are taking it slow on the medication change.

Life · « **Reply #26 on:** May 27, 2007, 12:10:47 pm »

Henry, I know you will get this sorted out and way to go on dealing with it... Some people would just continue on until something like a job loss or partner loss happened.... I dont know about you as Joel reflected but when I was on wellbutrin (before being positive), my mind was totally wacked.... I was all over the place mentally and quit that after 2 weeks of being a total veg.

Hugs, my Friend...

Eric

Forums Index

Welcome

Author Topic: My Behavior (Read 6332 times)