POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Ihavehope on January 22, 2007, 02:04:10 pm
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Ugh.
Yesterday I made the decision to cut some people out of my life. Two people who mean the most one is a good friend from college and the other is my ynger sister. They are the only two people I have disclosed to and have not been much of a support. Instead of trying to be there for me they are running away from me. For some people disclousure has been a relief or has improved their relationship with their loved ones but I didn't have that luck. I spent 6 weeks waiting for a hug, some words of encouragement or even a little bit of their time. I've had to literally beg these two people to please spend some time with me and they both have done it forcedfully. I can tell that it is a burden to them and get annoyed when I ask them to be with me. Last night i texted messaged both and told them "Why did I bother to tell you anything". I was mad because they both left me home alone in New Year's. On weekends they disappear and don't bother to call like they usually do. Some people tell me they need time to come out of the shock. I sit there like a dog waiting for either one of them to talk to me and all they do is ignore me. I've made myself available to them in case they needed to talk or ask me questions but they haven't bothered. It seems like I have been the one comforting them and trying to be a support to them by asking them to go to the movies, cooking for them, buying them stuff and even apologizing for the "inconvenience" I may have caused them and they say nothing. Well yesterday I gave up on them and will move on with my life with or without them. It has discourged me to tell anyone else in my family.
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I have a hug for you....are you in Toronto? If not here comes my BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG Virtual hugg!
I am really sorry for what you are going thru. I can't even imagine what you are going thru without anyone supporting you, thats why you have us. Is there anyone you know that is poz as well that is in your city? Most of my poz friends live all over the world, thats why I came on here to see maybe I can find some females to discuss female issues with and maybe find some poz freinds here in Toronto. Don't be afraid to reach out to us. Send someone a pm. They will respond.
Hope my hug finds you well... ;)
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Ihavehope: I am sorry to hear this. Hopefully the will come around. Have you moved on to looking for a support group? You said you live in NYC and there are certainly a lot of places to find this there, and in the end you will be happy to have these resources at your disposal. I'll still reiterate what a great place and environment is provide by Friends In Deed on B'way in Soho. They have several large group meetings during the week that are drop in, as well as smaller groups in which you may find it easier to speak. It's well run and semi-spiritual based though not religious, and very welcoming. The facilities are quite nice too... it's not like some groups that just meet in a cold, sterile extra conference room somewhere. Check it out.
http://www.friendsindeed.org/
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There have been some great people that I have met who have been much of a support. The clinic where i get treated is the best. My nurse and the girl who draws my blood saw tears coming out of my eyes when I was diagnosed and gave me a huge hug and kiss. I felt so much better, two strangers hugging me. I remember waiting for a hug or some words of encouragement from my sis and friend and they just looked at me and starred at me crying and all they did was cross their arms and looked at me for 15 minutes without saying anything.They both go away on weekends since the new year started just so they won't see me and don't even tell me. I am not gonna look pathetic anymore, screw them.
I met a nice guy on this website who I talk to almost everyday. He has been a good support system and this Weds I am joining a support group for newly diagnosed. I am working on a support system because I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore and wait for those people to help me. It's hard to have to let go of people you love but hopefully they will realize what they are doing is wrong. Anyway I am in NYC, wish I was in Toronto to give ya a hug.
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Yep, you need to build your OWN support. Then YOU own it. I was kinda/sorta in your situation. Similar age at the time, in NYC... didn't disclose to family for a decade. Fortunately my closest friends were there for me, though at times that could dry up. You need to find others that are as needy as you are right now, because someone else who is not positive will only extend a hand but so far.
I think you may also be surprised to see them more supportive when they see you actually helping yourself. I may be wrong... I wouldn't completely cut them off but maybe you already have. You may let go of the resentment that has built up with these two at some point... it will be healthier in your head in the long run.
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Sounds like you're making all the right moves. Good for you. You don't need to cut anyone off tho - just give them lots of space and go do your thing. If ever they grow up and realize it's not about them, they know where to find you.
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I think it is great that you are branching out and developing a support system. If that is what you think you need then it will definitely help.
As far as your friend and sister, I have a question for you. How were they before you told them. Did they tell you everything they were doing every weekend. If you needed help or support for some other problem were they there? I haven't told my sister, but if I did I pretty much know how she would react. She wouldn't cry, say she loved me or hug me she is just not programmed that way and I wouldn't expect her to be any different after telling her. Now if you had a great relationship with your friend and sister before you told them and now they are acting this way then I have to agree with what philly said and just give them time. They may not know how to be supportive but by watching you help yourself, they will learn and hopefully figure out what to do.
Good luck,
Woods
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Ah, good point woodshere. My brother and I aren't particularly close... never have been, but we don't dislike each other either. Just how it's always been... I do go visit him and his family (got to see my two nieces) and when I finally disclosed to my brother and his wife they were supportive and receptive, and my brother made an effort (ok... like maybe only 3 times) to pick up the phone and try and chat with me, but we've just never been phone chatters. So yes, he's not changed really because of my HIV and I've just learned not to expect him to.
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Hi Woods
My sister and I are 6 years apart. She is 20 and I am 26. We come from parents of spanish immigrants from a father who worked and a mother who stayed home. My father became successful with his business in the 80's so we went to good schools and travelled alot together. Because we did everything as a family we became close by default. Resentment came when we soon realized my mother became abusive towards us as well as our older sister. They use to beat us alot and I think she feels like I didn't do enough to protect her, but there was not much I could do because I also was beaten as a child. My mother soon realized that she was wrong and stopped beating me because I was well behaved but my yng sister was a rebel. After she turned 16 she began to isolate herself from the family but not to a point where she hated us. She saw that my mother and older sister were making an effort to change. So to cut things short, on a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being highest, I would say we were a 6.5 in closeness. We would go to the movies on a reg basis, shop together, joke around, rent movies but our "Boyfriend" lives were never talked about. I guess we were both embarrassed to talk about it. Since she started dating at 17 she and I distant ourselves because we both had busy lives but as of last year I been trying to get closer to her and began to be EXTRA nice to her because I wanted us to become friends. So just when things began to get alot better I tell her my diagnosis and she shuts on me. Kinna like telling me we weren't even that close anyway. I didn't expect anything grand from her at all, and I even told her to continue doing thinsg she normally did and that I was ok. But c'mon. If someone tells you not to bring a gift to their bday party do you actually listen or do you think they mean it? NO.. I've tried to tell her many times that I feel alone at times and need her support and she has been there only when I ask and then finds an excuse to leave me. oh well.
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Anyway I am in NYC, wish I was in Toronto to give ya a hug.
Maybe one day, until then you can talk to us here, pm us, email us.
(http://www.mytopdogs.com/images/friendlyhug.jpg )
Found this cute pic of two dogs hugging.... ;)
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Sorry you are let down by those you thought could be there for you. It's not always easy to take, seeing people have limitations.
Also glad to read:
I don't want to feel sorry for myself anymore and wait for those people to help me
(((HUG)))
Daniel
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Sorry for all that. We seem to be in all these kind of things and if you would take some little time please read Killfolie's Blogs on the subject. I think they were done in 2005 thereabouts.
But aalso we learn a lesson here.. Whom should we tell and why?
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Well, I didn't know how to react when I first read your post. Don't take this wrong, but at first read, it felt you were being a little self centered and expected everyone to drop everything for you and come to be by your side.
I understand that needing family, or the ones you feel close to, is an essential feeling. But you have to remember: your sister is 20 years old. Twenty. She's young, she's still having her own fun, she's not even legal to drink yet, but I'm sure she's got her social life. I wouldn't expect a 20 year old to drop all invitations on New Years to sit by my side.
Sometimes you have to make your own support group, or join one. Getting started in this disease, that's a great place to be. A group of strangers, who are not so strange after you get to know them, because they are facing the same issues as you.
And with regards to your friend, if they are your true friend, they will come around one day, after the shock wears off. Right now, I'm betting they don't know what to say to you, so they avoid seeing you. Can you believe people didn't call me for a while after my husband died because they didn't know what to say?? Did I cut them out of my life?? No, and I didn't hold it against them either.
It's good that you are moving on with your life, without your friend and your sister. It's good, because it's your life, not theirs. But it will also be good to tell them, not selfishly either, how hurt you felt when it seemed they isolated themselves from you. That all you wanted was a hug and a little assurance from them.
But don't be so quick to 'cut them out of your life'. They might just need YOU one day.
(Edited to correct myself)
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Hi IzPoz
Thank you for your reply to my thread. I think you are right about her being 20 and young and also not having much to say, I agree. Everyone is different, but I was happy and acted 100% for about a month and even stretched the truth about my lab results to make her and my friend that things were better than what they really were. I haven't told her I will be on meds very soon. I am being selfish and self-centered something I haven't done since I was a kid and I just thought that family came first in difficult times. About the New Year's thing, it was a family event at my aunt's house and my whole family was there. I had planned to go but realized that everyone had a date that evening except me and felt a bit akward to go feeling like crap and watching everyone kiss, so I decided to stay home. I didn't expect anyone to stay with me because I wanted to be left alone that night but a few friends called me and texted messaged me but my sis and friend I guess preferred I didn't go. I feel like it's a punishment they are putting me through with the silent treatment and not a shock. THey are more worried about what people are going to say, how useless I will be to them and how embarrassed they will be. 3 years back my sister did tell me some hurtful words but I took them as a joke but now I don't know if they were meant as a joke.
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Follow your first gut instinct, and don't always try to look at the 'dark side' of the moon. Your friend and your sister are most likely in shock. They don't know how to react, or what to ask. Sometimes you have to be the first to initiate things, such as, "By the way, I saw my doctor today. He said while I'm doing well, I could be doing better taking medications." You could also start by calling them and apologizing for the messages you sent them ("why did I bother telling you"). Explain that was a moment of self pity, but you know you can count on them to lend an ear or shoulder.
You are going through a hard time right now, and to me, I feel you are looking at things through a smoke filled room... you aren't seeing it too clearly. Sometimes you have to just bite the bullet and move forward, for YOU. Do things that you wouldn't normally do, like, go out 'stag' or with your friends or family... You don't need a date to fit in. Trust me. I went out on New Year's eve with my friend, her husband, her sisters.... everyone had someone, except me. But I didn't let that ruin my time out of the house. Sure, it sucks not getting a New Year kiss. Tremendously. I just don't let it get me down.
Hope.... go with the board name you have given yourself.... get your hope back. Get your sun back. Don't dwell on the negatives, and for Pete's sake, don't over analyze things :)
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Ihave~~ I definitely feel your pain. When I told my sisters that I was poz, you would think they would've been supportive but they weren't, instead they decided to make it public to the world. The only support I got came from my parents. Like someone here told me once, if you could only pick your family, I took that advice and did just that. Yeah, they may need some time to come around but if they don't, move on. I wouldn't even dwell on it.