"magnetic" couple (hiv+ & hiv- diabetic)

[georg7]

Good morning!

My bf and I (both 27 y/o) have been together for over one year in a monogamous relationship.  About six months ago we got tested and found out he is living with hiv.  I got tested again three months after the last time we had sex and still came out negative.  I will get tested again this month (six months since the last time we had sex) to confirm my negative status.

Before we found out he is living with hiv, we had protected anal sex a few times and unprotected oral sex many times (I was the insertive partner). 

Honestly, due to lack of knowledge I was full of fear at the beginning.  I don’t want anything to happen to him nor me.  I love him.  I want to be with him.  He is an awesome person.  We both want to take care of ourselves. 

I had cancer (this is my fifth year in remission) and am a diabetic and thus also have a compromised immune system.  We have not had sex since we first got tested but once (protected oral sex).  He has had a very active sex life before, unlike me.  I want us both to be able to enjoy sex now that we are together.  We are both versatile.

My concern is that we both have a compromised immune system.  We know that we must be careful about the decisions we make.  Even now we don’t kiss each other the way we used to.  I want to be able to satisfy him and me sexually, but there is that “fear” of getting infected and I think that me being a diabetic and with my previous experience with cancer, my body would not be able to fight one more battle as it has done until now.

Protected anal sex reduces the risk of infection, to what extent?  What would be the risk even with the use of a condom?  Unprotected oral sex is a low risk activity, but must we use a condom each time to protect ourselves even more?  Kissing does not involve any risk (as long as there is not excessive bleeding involved), correct?

I know that all these fears come from the fact that I do not know as much about this as I should, this is why I come to you for help.

One more thing….THANK YOU!  Thank you for helping us learn more about living with hiv!

[Andy Velez]

Hi Georg,

Welcome!

You deserve  a lot of recognition for looking to find ways to deal with this new development and not losing sight of how much you two care for each other. And yes, you can have safer sex as many thousands of both gay and straight sero-discordant couples do.

Condoms provide very, very effective protection against HIV transmission. You guys need to use them consistently for anal intercourse. They really do the job. Just make sure the ones you use fit correctly and are within date for use.

There have been substantial longterm studies of sero-discordant couples, both gay and straight, who have had lots of unprotected mutual oral and only protected vaginal and anal intercourse. The results have been that not one sero-negative partner has become infected.

Now we do hear from time to time of someone who says they became infected by giving oral. Under careful scrutiny those reports never seem to hold up. People sometimes are fuzzy on the details or they forget or they don't like to acknowledge other things that were involved. I'm not saying it's impossible for transmission to occur orally, but the evidence point to it being extremely unlikely. Common sense dictates that if you have a fresh, gaping wound in your mouth or very poor oral care that giving oral might not be a good idea, particularly if oral ejaculation is involved. But also keep in mind that your saliva has over a dozen elements and proteins which are very effective at preventing the transmission of viable HIV.

Receiving oral is absolutely no risk. No guy has ever been confirmed to have been infected in that manner so it's safe to say you won't make history by becoming the first.

It will also be good to know what your bf's viral load (vl) is. The lower it is the lower the risk to you for transmission.

Keep talking with each other about your concerns. That will also help to maintain the intimacy in your relationship. From what you have written it seems as if you have a solid relationship to build on and to handle this new challenge in your life together.

You're always welcome here to ask questions and to talk about whatever is going on.

Cheers. 

[georg7]

Hello Andy!!

Thank you very much for the information!!  I read it as soon as you posted it, just didn't reply at the time.

Well, I have been reading some postings and I learned that the six month waiting period is really not necessary nowadays.  I did wait six months to have another confirmatory test done yesterday and it was, yes, negative.  Sometimes I worry unnecessarily, that is why I want to educate myself about hiv as much as I can.  I love him, that is why this is very important for me.  The great is that we both communicate our doubts and concerns to each other. 

I have some more questions.

What risk does mutual masturbation involve?  If I get my bf’s precum or semen on the head of my penis (urethra), does that represent a high/low risk?  Should I avoid this?  (His viral load is about 19,000 right now, he is not on medication yet).

I inject insulin in my abdomen area (I am diabetic) about four times a day.  Same with my fingers:  I poke them many times a day to get blood to check my glucose levels.  How risky is it if his semen or precum comes in contact with the different places where I inject my insulin or poke my fingers?  How big does a cut has to be for it to represent a risk when semen or precum enters it?

I am asking these questions because I want to learn more about all this and that way be able to know when to be careful (what to avoid) and when I need not to worry at all.

Once again, THANK YOU!!