i suspect my partner has mental issues....don't know how to help him

[karry]

My partner and I have been together full time since may 2010. Before that we dated in 2008 and separated late 2009.
He is a great guy and I absolutely love him and can't see my life without him. But I have been noticing a lot of strange things about him.
1. He forgets a lot of things and u always have to remind him
2. He changes his mind almost every 30 secs about what he wants to do or eat. For example we plan going out for dinner then i get dressed and ready and he no longer wants to go. Then he decides to go but on the way will change his mind about the restaurant maybe five times.
3. He is away for work a lot. When he comes back he gets mad if in his absence i folded and arranged his clothes. He'd rather i left them lying around...and i cant stand living in disorder.
4. He can only use a specific spoon to eat and ut must be placed in a specific place.
5. He returned home from a work trip and was mad at me on my birthday because in his absence i used his pen while in his office. I told him its absurd but he feels i am not respecting his boundaries.

I spoke to his brother and we are all very worried about these issues. My partner is a very macho military officer and does not believe he has an issues.
I am starting fo feel lost and need help.
Karry

[mecch]

Thats out of whack behaviour and thinking. Also he's not respecting YOU, rather than the reverse.

He's positive, right? How long positive and is he on HAART? Is this a brain issue?  Or do you think its independent of HIV? 

Off hand I wonder if previously he was quite a control freak?  And OCD? 

Your post gives me the impression of a very ordered person who always did things by routine and his own way. 

But somehow there has been thrown a wrench in his routine, and now he goes through the motions of control, but he has lost

1) the ability to make decisions, and to see a point and goal for the control

2) the ability to manage his own control issues in perspective of the demands of give-and-take in a relationship.

Someone cleans up for him, he should say "thanks".

If he can't decide whether he wants to go out to eat or not, and then can't decide where to go, seems to me you can say what YOU WANT, and he should be able to say, "cool, sounds great".   

If he needs a precise place setting, he can set the table himself. 

Right now he sounds rigid but has no direction in the rigidity.

He doesn't reign in the control issues, he will be impossible to live with.  Tell him that in a way he can understand it and support him to get some help. 

I guess you know this already, living with such a person, but set your limits about how much of your space he can take up.

[karry]

Thanks for the response Mecch. I was wondering if I was the one overreacting. He is pos since 2005 and been on meds since diagnosis. Last month he changed from kaletra  and combivir to complera. I tried to figure if its linked to the meds. His last cd4 was 650 vl  undetectable. He is physically very active.

[Miss Philicia]

karry, depression and/or mood changes are a known side effect with Complera. Read the following link and scroll down to the side effects section:

http://www.aidsmeds.com/archive/Edurant_1619.shtml

Edurant can cause depression or mood changes. Be sure to contact your health care provider immediately if you are feeling said or hopeless, feeling anxious or restless, or have thoughts of hurting yourself (suicide) or have tried to hurt yourself.


Similar to what is found with the sustiva component of Atripla, the edurant component in Complera is in the same NNRTI class.

As far as how to go about getting your partner to accept that this is what is going on and advocating that he change to another regimen (I'd say specifically one that doesn't have an NNRTI class med in it, perhaps Stribild would be a good choice as it's also just one pill per day) I would sit him down, perhaps with his brother in the room, and show him the link that I just provided. Ideally his doctor would have had a short discussion when initially prescribing the medication, and perhaps he did. If your partner is then willing he should phone his doctor up and get a quick appointment to discuss this as I would find it unwise to wait.

[Habersham]

Keep in mind also that your partner may just be a pain in the ass. I know people who aren't poz and aren't on any meds that do similar stuff. By all means talk to his brother, have him look into changing his meds. Be prepared though, that in the end, his is just too quirky to deal with. You can also find his quirks amusing.

[karry]

Thanks miss P. I checked the meds and possible effects.  He is not suicidal. I put it to him that I think he should seek help but he thinks he is OK. His brother and I are planning to have his favorite sister talk to him. We will call her. She seems to be the only one who ever gets through to him when all options fail.

[Andy Velez]

Karry, the kind of situation you are describing can sometimes make YOU feel cuckoo. You might consider having some consultation sessions yourself with a view to getting some support in dealing with your partner. 

[Theyer]

Hi Karry ,

I have just read through the thread and would like to say that I think you are helping him enormously , please make sure you all so look after your self so you can hang on to whats absurd , over the top , whatever.

All the best to you

m

[pozbudnc]

Karry,
I can relate to some of what your partner is experiencing.  I have been experiencing some memory issues myself.  It can be very frustrating especially for a person who is used to being in total control of his life.  I have had people move things after I put them in a specific place.  I sometimes get angry when this occurs because I am not certain whether I am not remembering where I put the item or if someone moved the item.  Sometimes I immediately think that my memory is getting significantly worse when actually I am not having a memory problem at all--someone moved the item.

I have also been taking Kaletra and Combivir for years.  Some studies have shown that Kaletra can cause memory problems.

Try having a conversation with your partner so that you can get a good sense of how the memory problem is actually affecting him psychologically.  I know that in dealing with my memory issues, I often get angry at myself for not being able to remember something, and it often appears that I am directing the anger at the people around me.

I understand that this can be a very frustrating experience for you, but the memory issue could also be extremely frustrating for your partner.  It sounds like you have a very strong relationship, so definitely try discussing this with your partner so that he understands how this is affecting you, and you understand how this is affecting him. 

He actually may not realize that the memory problems are not just causing problems for him, but they are also causing problems for you.  I know that there are times when my family members have not understood why I was sometimes expressing anger towards them because of my memory issues.  Often, I did not realize until much later that my anger was not called for in the situation because they did not realize how sensitive I was about my memory issues.

Hang in there.  You sound like a really great partner.  It may not always sound like it, but I am sure he really appreciates having you there with him.

[karry]

Pozbudnc: thank you so much for making me see things from your perspective. I now understand him more after reading your experiences. @Andy and Theyer: thanks for the supporting words and reminder that I take care of me too. I often push myself to the back and concentrate on those around me instead.       The good news is that since I last spoke to him about this issue there had been a lot of improvement. In the last month he has made a huge leap forward. From time to time the mind changing thing every few minutes still happens, and when it does happen I just give him time to adjust.
Thanks and hugs to you all.
Karry