Dreams

[newhope]

I had a dream in november 2005 it was me in a hospital i was 47 and i was diying. of what i dont know aids i suppose. My family was there they one person that was not there was my partner.

in april 2006 ii left my patner 2 months later got diagnoed with hiv. they say i have most likey been infected 7 to 10 year and with all the research ive done i agree. they also say the average we live with this is 20 / 25 yrs.

if i have had this 10 yrs and i die at 47 and the avrage is 20 yrs that gives me 15 yrs before i die. about close enough to be scarey. it a reaccuring dream 2 times now.  its really fucking with my head. The first dream came before the break up or the diagnosis!

[tsw923]

newhope,

I don't know if this helpful but I talked to my doctor and he was really against giving life expectancies.  He feels that if you are taking your medication properly and are not having adverse affects, your life expectancy isn't drastically changed.  Further, he encouraged me to do the things that needed to be done to keep me healthy and to keep LIVING and not just wait to die. 

Also, I don't know if this would help but you can check out my post to Ihavehope about nightmares.

TSW

[Eldon]

Dreams have a lot to do with your inner anxieties and your emotions. A lot of it is due to the past events that have affected your life. The truth about death is that no one knows the exact date or time when we will leave this Earth.

Honestly, worrying about it is only causing you a lot of unecessary stress that you do not need. Focus on today the here and now and the things that are going on inside of your life. Make the necessary adjustments in order to compensate for the variables that exist and feel comfortable to live your life without fear.

I send my best wishes to you and things will improve themselves for you.

[koi1]

I hate to tell you what to think. But dreams are not a prediction of what is to come. They have never been proven so.

What they can be is a glimpse or a reflection of our fears. We can sometimes make those dreams or nightmares a reality, by how we live our lives. We have control over many things, but we also have the choice of succumbing to a self fulfilling prophecy. The 20 year figure is an average, that means that some people will live much longer and others will live less, as in life.

 I just met someone through my sister who has been living with this for about 25 years. He is doing great with t cells higher than the average even for a person without HIV. The biggest factor I saw in him was his positive attitude. In the hours I spent in a natural medicine consult with him, he made laugh so much. My sister told me that she has always noticed this great attitude about him.

I am trying to emulate his positive his personality, by finding the "gifts" (as he calls them)  in my life and appreciating what I do have, where I can still go, what I can still accomplish...I hope that even with your life as it is, you can still see what you can change to make your life more positive.

rob

[Ihavehope]

Hey newhope

I may not be the best person to respond to your thread but I do share some of the fears you do. One thing I can assure you of is that things in the next 5-10 years will bring new and better meds for us. I wished for a cure in the next years but I know that will take alot of time. Everyone's body is different. If you read some of the threads people with CD4 counts less than 10 and viral loads in the millions are still living and healthy after 10 years. A CD count of 5 and VL of over a million is scary shit and if they are now healthy and living due to the meds imagine what the future meds will do. Don't think too much of what could happen in the next decades but focus on the present. I had 2 family members with different illnesses whom the doctors gave no hope to live and another 6 years to live and they both have been living healthy normal lives now. Try to relax and do research on future meds and current clinical trials and you will see that there is alot that will come.

[dad1216]

If you read some of the threads people with CD4 counts less than 10 and viral loads in the millions are still living and healthy after 10 years.

You damn betcha......

[Queen Tokelove]

I have to agree with what the others are saying. But also in spiritual circles, death does not always mean a physical death but the end of a situation or a change to come. As far as the timeline goes, my doc is like tws' doc, he does not like to say either but likes to remind me that there are other things that could take me out before hiv does and for me that would be diabetes. Try to take it easy...

[ndrew]

I think you got the numbers mixed up.  It was 74, not 47.  According to the Census Bureau, life expectency will be in the mid-80s by 2050, up from 77.85 in 2006.  There may be no limit to life expectancy.  You also have to account for scientific breakthroughs and such.  All-in-all, take care of the here-and-now and the future will come...

Drew

[newhope]

Its isn't really dying that bothers me. this is just the beginning RIGHT. Its that i gave up my youth for what turned out to be a liar not the love of my life. now I am starting over like I'm just out of high school only I'm 32 and have aids and living with mom and dad. is this like totally the wrong place for this???

[Eldon]

This IS the right place. There is a lot of reassurance that is given here. I for one am here right now responding to your message giving you te reassurance that you need.

1. Never Give Up On Your Dreams!

It will surprise you who you can meet when you least expect it.

[mrtallguy]

HEY NEWHOPE....

YOU MAY NOT REALIZE/SEE/FEEL ALL THE GOOD THAT IS SURROUNDING YOU RIGHT NOW.  THE GOOD THAT I SPEAK OF IS NOT SOMETHING THAT IS "ON ITS WAY"....RATHER IT IS ALREADY WITHIN YOU RIGHT NOW.   ACTUALLY THE POWER AND PRESENCE OF GOOD IS IN ALL OF US....IT IS A "STANDARD OPTION" THAT ARRIVES AND TRAVELS WITH US ALL THE TIME.  IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO DELETE IT.  FROM TIME TO TIME WE PUT UP OBSTACLES THAT HIDE THIS POWER OF GOOD AND THESE OBSTACLES TRICK US INTO THINKING THAT IT DOES NOT EXIST OR THAT IT LEFT US.  NOT TRUE.  THESE OBSTACLES (WHICH TAKE THE FORM OF BAD MOODS, BAD DREAMS, NEGATIVE PEOPLE, ETC.) ARE LIKE CLOUDS.... THE CLOUDS WOULD LIKE US TO BELIEVE THAT THE SUN IS NOT SHINING....ALSO NOT TRUE!  THE SUN ALWAYS SHINES BUT OCCASIONALLY THE CLOUDS HIDE THE LIGHT.  WHEN THE CLOUDS BLOW AWAY THE SUN RETURNS.....THE SAME CAN HAPPEN FOR YOU...FOCUS ON THE GOOD AND THE BAD THOUGHTS WILL "BLOW AWAY".   WE ALL HAVE THE ABILITY TO CREATE GOOD BASED ON WHERE WE FOCUS OUR ENERGY AND THOUGHTS.  HENCE THE PHRASE "BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR".

MANY YEARS AGO I READ A GREAT BOOK THAT CHANGED MY OUTLOOK ON LIFE....IT IS CALLED "THE CELESTINE PROPHECY" BY JAMES REDFIELD.   IT TALKS ABOUT A PERSON'S JOURNEY AND ALL THE TWISTS AND TURNS THAT OCCUR IN THAT JOURNEY...AND HOW ULTIMATELY THE POWER OF GOOD ALWAYS PREVAILS.   IT IS ONE OF THOSE BOOKS THAT IS DIFFICULT TO PUT DOWN.

FOCUS ON THE LIGHT THAT SURROUNDS YOU AND WHEN A NEGATIVE THOUGHT ENTERS YOUR MIND.... DELETE IT....YOU MAY WANT TO IMAGINE A HUGE DELETE BUTTON IN THE CORNER OF YOUR MIND THAT YOU CAN USE AT ANY TIME!  I USE MINE ALL THE TIME!!

BE WELL....

CRAIG

[Razorbill]

Newhope,
  The numbers game isn't very productive.  The average for people who take care of themselves and adhere to their meds is pretty much open ended.   I don't believe dreams predict anything, but that they reflect our emotions and experiences - and your fears right now are driving them.  The starting over again is the hard part, leaving your place, living with family.  At least you're minus a relationship that wasn't good for you.  I often give this advice to folks:  as soon as you accomplish something concrete, you'll have reason to feel better about yourself.  Anything.  Get a place.  Go on a retreat and learn and heal.  Get part time work.  It is what we accomplish that drives our self-esteem.  Good luck in you're restart. 
Ernie

[koi1]

Sure at thirty-two you are yesterday's buffet, especially in the gay world, but who isn't. Just kidding, you are young. Look at th age range here. I am 36, and yeah sometimes I feel a bit long in the tooth, but I am still here fighting to live, and am going to have a wonderful life. My life is beginning. I finally have a clear head to know what I want and what I don't want. I hope you stop thinking about not being an abercrombie underaged model anymore.

rob

[Ihavehope]

Listen to KOI.

Although this will be a bumpy emotional ride, we are here to stay for a LONG LONG time. So you can choose to live this life feeling sowwy for yourself or appreciating every breathe you take. This disease OPENED MY EYES. I was not living before now I am living because I know that I have a Battle to fight and need only good energy in my life.