holding my nose and jumping in

[keepinmyhedup]

so tomorrow I'm going to the doctor for the first time in 3 years since i have been diagnosed i have a girlfriend which i have been dating for a year i don't know if i should tell her what is going on. i don't want to lose her and i know it will be hard for me to find another person who loves me like her. i just don't want to ride this out by myself. any advice will help me right now i don't even know if i can transmitt HIV to another female

[Ann]

Hi Keepin, welcome to the forums.

Lesbians have the lowest rates of hiv infection of any group of people, and for good reason. Hiv is extremely difficult to transmit between women sexually.

All the cases I've ever heard/read about where transmission occurred between two women, those women had been sharing drug injecting equipment. Transmission didn't happen because of any sexual activity, it happened because of needle sharing.

Hiv is transmitted by: Unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse, sharing drug injecting equipment, and from mother to child while in the womb or during birth. Using sex toys (dildos, vibrators) does not count as unprotected anal or vaginal intercourse.

Kissing and any other oral activities that you and your girlfriend might do are not risks. That includes going down on each other - cunnilingus is not a risk for hiv infection. Rubbing your genitals together (called frottage) is also not a risk for hiv infection.

You're doing the right thing by going to see a doctor and getting your labs done and all the rest of it. It's only ignored, untreated hiv that kills these days. You may not even need treatment yet, but you do need to know where you stand health-wise.

As for telling your girlfriend, hopefully she'll understand that it's the stigma and fear of stigma that has kept you from telling her - and it's also kept you from seeking medical care. Hopefully she'll have compassion in her heart and stick by you. After all, you're not going to give her hiv (provided you're not sharing injecting equipment).

Tell her what you told us - that you were sexually abused by a family member a few years ago, and that family member recently died from aids related causes. Am I correct in thinking that it was his death that made you realise you needed to start seeing a doctor, that you needed to stop ignoring your virus?

If I'm right, tell her that too. If she's anyone worth sticking with, she'll understand. After all, you've been dealing with a double whammy - the stigma of being abused by a family member as well as the stigma of hiv.

If she doesn't know much about hiv either, urge her to come here so she can start to learn. You two can learn together - and I hope you do. If you love each other, you can weather this storm and have sunny days again.

Good luck with everything, hun. You are doing the right thing in going to the doctor - so give yourself a big pat on the back. Please let us know how things go - and if you have any questions after your visit, feel free to ask.

Speaking of questions, have you found the Lessons section of this website yet? They are written in plain, easy to understand English. If you have any questions about what you've read in the Lessons, please come back here to ask.

Hang in there! I hope you can draw strength from all of us here at the forums. My heart goes out to you.

Hugs,
Ann
xxx