Not Infected, but dating someone who is HIV+

[joey123]

Hi...  So I'm new.  I'm interested in opinions as well as facts.  I've only been reading up on HIV+ treatment for a few days now.

I have been dating someone who is HIV+.  She is currently in ART treatment, and is what I believe is referred to as 'undetectable'.  I understand what all of that means in medical terms, more or less.

We have not shared more than kissing at this point, and before we went any further, she told me about being HIV+.  I'm not sure where to go with that.  We are not currently in a lifelong-committed relationship, but I do think we could be at some point in the future.

I'm not currently concerned that I might be infected given those circumstances.  I am concerned that if I decide to remain in a long term relationship with her, I should assume that I will one day become infected. 

Any and all stories, opinions, links to articles, etc., would be greatly appreciated.  Anyone out there in a similar situation?  Or were in a similar situation but decided to move forward with a long term relationship with an HIV+ person?

Sidenote-  no judgment here.  I'm not under any of the ancient beliefs regarding the stigma of HIV.  I'm just trying to decide how to move forward.

Thanks,
Joey

[zach]

wear a condom, let the relationship go where ever you wanted it to go before you knew this information

condoms are effective. add to that, she is undetectable. you are at no risk whatsoever... thats fact, promise

i'm sure there is a lesson around here somewhere "what you need to know"

basically, fact is, unprotected vaginal/anal, or sharing a kit... don't do those things, you won't get hiv

this girl disclosed to you. that takes alot, its hard to do. that means something to me. and if you can process it, come to terms with it, this shouldn't stop a healthy relationship for you

edited to add... absolutely no reason to assume you will ever be positive. none

[mecch]

I am concerned that if I decide to remain in a long term relationship with her, I should assume that I will one day become infected. 

You are misinformed. That is an emotional assumption based on fear, or lack of knowledge. You can easily stay HIV negative.

Any and all stories, opinions, links to articles, etc., would be greatly appreciated.  Anyone out there in a similar situation?  Or were in a similar situation but decided to move forward with a long term relationship with an HIV+ person?

Yes I did when I was HIV-.  I am gay and over the decades it happened that I fell in love with HIV+ guys.  There are many many serodiscordant or "magnetic" relationships, hetero and homo.

Do what you need to do.  But just remember that you fall in love with a person.  A lover comes with a lot to share with you, and some baggage too. Who's to say a few years into a relation you won't yourself have some challenge to meet? I'm sure you've got your baggage already. Because we all do.

[joey123]

wear a condom, let the relationship go where ever you wanted it to go before you knew this information

condoms are effective. add to that, she is undetectable. you are at no risk whatsoever... thats fact, promise

i'm sure there is a lesson around here somewhere "what you need to know"

basically, fact is, unprotected vaginal/anal, or sharing a kit... don't do those things, you won't get hiv

this girl disclosed to you. that takes alot, its hard to do. that means something to me. and if you can process it, come to terms with it, this shouldn't stop a healthy relationship for you

edited to add... absolutely no reason to assume you will ever be positive. none

I believe you and I agree.  With condoms I'd be at no risk.  I guess since I was looking at this as a long term thing, I was hoping to skip the condom stage.  Or, at least think about the relationship beyond condoms.  I have been a single parent for nearly a decade and I have a few more years before my kids are out of the house, so in all honesty I have dated very little and I don't do casual sex at all.  So condoms haven't been in my sock drawer in a veryyyyy long time.  I could do that.

And agreed regarding her telling me so I could process it before we went any further physically.  That is a mark of good character, and is one of the many reasons I want to think things through carefully. 

[joey123]

You are misinformed. That is an emotional assumption based on fear, or lack of knowledge. You can easily stay HIV negative.

Agreed, and that's why I'm here.  On both counts.

Yes I did when I was HIV-.  I am gay and over the decades it happened that I fell in love with HIV+ guys.  There are many many serodiscordant or "magnetic" relationships, hetero and homo.

Do what you need to do.  But just remember that you fall in love with a person.  A lover comes with a lot to share with you, and some baggage too. Who's to say a few years into a relation you won't yourself have some challenge to meet? I'm sure you've got your baggage already. Because we all do.

I'm ok with baggage and standing by a partner who needs my strength for any reason.  But I also have 2 kids that need me for quite some time yet, so I can't base my decisions solely on my own desires.  I don't need a partner, I want one.  So I have to temper that want with the potential for contracting a deadly disease that could leave my kids without a father. 

[zach]

with treatment, its no longer a deadly disease. i have three sons, i'm not leaving them over this. i understand your emotions, but realize, thats what we hear speaking. emotion, not reason

edit to add: but you're still assuming you're going to be infected. wrong train of thought here man.

sit on this for a few. really, i think you'll work it out.

[mecch]

I'm ok with baggage and standing by a partner who needs my strength for any reason.  But I also have 2 kids that need me for quite some time yet, so I can't base my decisions solely on my own desires.  I don't need a partner, I want one.  So I have to temper that want with the potential for contracting a deadly disease that could leave my kids without a father.

Hmm.  Human enough. A father's thinking.  But this still seems to be based on fear, and the fear is not based on what, generally, usually, would happen to someone in 2014 who gets infected with HIV. 

[pittman]

Well, you have some choices.

As already mentioned, condoms work.  You can also opt for PrEP, which is basically taking a pill to prevent transmission. Much like a birth control pill, you must weigh how likely you will be adherent to taking it as prescribed, and any possible side effects which are thought to be of low occurrence.

There are couples that forgo those steps. If your partner is on treatment, is undetectable, and you BOTH are also clear of other infections, the risk is seems to be much lower.  According to the partner study, VERY low. (I am not endorsing this path, but some do take that approach.)

see: http://www.aidsmeds.com/articles/transmission_zero_1667_25241.shtml

There are couples that conceive while one partner is HIV+ without transmitting HIV to either the partner or the child.

I suggest you talk it through, do some reading on this site (recent articles only, older ones will most likely be out of date) and perhaps ask if you can join your partner on her next visit with the HIV specialist to ask questions of him or her.

The real message is that HIV does not need to be a barrier in your relationship or your goals for the relationship.

I myself am about to be married to my HIV- partner coming up soon! It just isn't an issue.


P.S.- Untreated HIV is deadly.  When caught early and treated, it's considered more like chronic condition. Those kinds of fears and questions would be good to pose to the doctor.

[magneticlove]

I think I can chime in here. 

I'm in the same situation, except reverse: I'm a negative female, dating a positive male.  Same as your girlfriend/friend, my boyfriend is on meds daily and is undetectable. 

I do NOT think that I will contract HIV from him, in fact, I'm pretty much planning NOT to (LOL).  If you read some of the literature on the probability of HIV transmission with a suppressed viral load, on meds, its incredibly, incredibly small.  That, coupled with the fact that its even more difficult to transmit HIV from a woman to a man (though obviously its totally possible)....well, I would just do some additional research to help you work out any fears you have in your mind.

I also decided to get on Truvada as PrEP as an added layer of protection.  Quite honestly, some may have said that was overkill, given that my boyfriend is undetectable, on meds daily, for years.  But, it really has helped me to have an additional layer of freedom mentally.

We don't use condoms.  He does ejaculate in me.  And, in fact, I'm currently pregnant.   In fact, with a serodiscordant couple in which the positive partner has a suppressed viral load, condomless sex is pretty much the way babies are happening nowadays.     

So, that's certainly not to say that this is a zero risk activity.  BUT, on the other hand, nothing is without risk (emotional, physical/health, etc.) 

From my perspective, I wasn't going to give up a chance for a great relationship because of my boyfriend's HIV status.  At the same time, I was disgustingly educated (LOL) so, I think that made it easier.

Hope this helps.