Author Topic: dying alone (Read 28277 times)

sparks · « **on:** July 31, 2008, 07:12:51 pm »

i work in emergency services and at times ill respond to someones house that had passed away and no one had found them for a day....it scares the hell out of me because im single and live alone and am a private person and am afraid i will be gone and no one will realize it,, if im sick or ill i get afraid to sleep at night

Alain · « **Reply #1 on:** July 31, 2008, 07:20:58 pm »

Sparks,

I have so much respect for people like yourself and the work you do.

Perhaps you need to step away for a bit, a vacation?

Maybe you should talk to a therapist about your feelings around death.

It is a certainty in life for all of us, and we have to find ways to be able to cope and not worrying too much about it.

Take care and welcome to this site, Alain.

sparks · « **Reply #2 on:** July 31, 2008, 08:22:02 pm »

i do vacation a bit... it was recently i ran this call and lately ive been ill and afraid to sleep at night,,, ive been trying to see if theres any support groups or social out reach things i can do i really need to have people in my life, im sure it would help me sleep at night when i dont feel well knowing someone would be there to watch after me

Winiroo · « **Reply #3 on:** July 31, 2008, 08:26:48 pm »

A social or support group is a wonderful idea. Maybe you could post giving a general idea of where you live. Some one on AIDSmeds might have some ideas of places you could go to. Or if you do not want to say where you live you can visit your local ASO and they should have some resources for you.
What you are feeling is completely normal. Most people do not want to be alone in the end.

sparks · « **Reply #4 on:** July 31, 2008, 08:32:38 pm »

i live in the atlanta area...i go to the atlpozguys social once a month when im not working but noticed its getting to be a liquor and beer binge and who knows what behind closed doors,,, so im looking to see if i can find me another out reach ive been sick for 2 days now with a high fever and both nights ive been up late afraid to go to sleep ,, i finally napped today,, i feel silly being like this im always the guy in control on some of the worst tragedies you can imagine but do understand im just human

MYSTERY · « **Reply #5 on:** August 01, 2008, 12:56:43 am »

Sparks,

I think the only thing anyone of us can do is live life every day to the fullest. I to work in a field were I see human tragedy and have learned to deal with it in a spiritual way. Death will encounter us all, so if you can find a purpose to life, and understanding that death is just a part of life , and that we have a greater purpose than just this life I think it might help. Also, I do not think anyone ever dies alone. I believe that your hand will be taken into the next life. Just a few of my own thought I hope they can find you some comfort.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #6 on:** August 01, 2008, 09:43:38 am »

Sparks,
I have made a decision a long time ago. In the movie Moonstruck, Olivia Dukakis and Cher are talking and Cher asks her why do men cheat. Her answer was fear of death. Well on hearing that I have decided that Death is the easy part. Life is the difficult part. Scott Peck started his book The Road Less Traveled with that Quote, Life is difficult. I would not worry about the death part. Concentrate on Living.
I hope this helps.
Peter
Hey read the Alchemist by Paola Cahlealo it is filled with metaphors on our journey through life. You are on a hero's quest. Keep traveling that road and do not worry about death it will come whether we worry or not.

sparks · « **Reply #7 on:** August 01, 2008, 09:55:47 am »

thanks ill check it out,,, it is just from what ive seen its a terribly lonely way to go and i have seen it to many times with to many people ....its a little disturbing ,,, someone going through the worst part of life and no one there to hold their hand,, then i think of the quiet home i keep how sometimes on my day off i dont speak to no one all day,,,dont get me wrong i have my coworkers,, but they do not come here to my home

AndyArrow · « **Reply #8 on:** August 02, 2008, 10:29:10 am »

Sparks,

With T-cells over 900 and being undectable for a long time I don't think you are in danger of dying from an infection anytime soon.

You should invite one of those co-workers over or the next time you go to the atlpozguys social look for the guys who aren't drinking so you can have someone nearby who can relate to your situation.

Your ASO might be able to recommend a therapist to help you talk about your fears.

Check out your local gay magazines and they will often have listings for joining a gay sports team or card game. They might not be able to relate directly to what you have going on but you might find one or two who could be a support system for you. If nothing else it might relieve some stress.

I hope you feel better soon!

AA

sparks · « **Reply #9 on:** August 02, 2008, 10:32:55 am »

i know im being silly,, im just getting discouraged about not being able to get rid of this infection ive had now for a yr

sharkdiver · « **Reply #10 on:** August 02, 2008, 10:47:14 am »

Quote from: sparks on August 01, 2008, 09:55:47 am

thanks ill check it out,,, it is just from what ive seen its a terribly lonely way to go and i have seen it to many times with to many people ....its a little disturbing ,,, someone going through the worst part of life and no one there to hold their hand,, then i think of the quiet home i keep how sometimes on my day off i dont speak to no one all day,,,dont get me wrong i have my coworkers,, but they do not come here to my home

I may probably have an alternative view about this but, I don't think death is the worst part about life. I helped my partner go through this and even though it was well pretty disturbing (the physical process of any death is brutal) it was in a way, very beautiful and certainly life changing. I felt very honored to be there. At that time all the other crap in my life meant nothing and I felt very "present" with him and only him.
I appreciate all the relationships I have... coworkers, friends, families, clients, etc. now.

For myself, when it's my time, I would rather go off somewhere alone, be in nature and return to it.

respectfully ,
Sharkie

weasel · « **Reply #11 on:** August 02, 2008, 12:00:12 pm »

My TWIN brothers best friend died on Thursday ! , He was alone .

He was 51 and just died in bed .

NO warning of impending death ! NOT a HIV pos man .

The police were called after he missed his first day of work in over 35 years !

His Mom was on vacation .

very awful thing !

I send my condolances to you ! , and to all who loose people they love .

I do NOT want to ever die ! but when the time comes , I will probably just surrender !

with love , Karl

newone · « **Reply #12 on:** August 02, 2008, 01:17:26 pm »

I am not really afraid of death it is the getting there that is worrying me lately, since I was diagnosed probably more because of coincidence I found myself more and more self isolating from people I know, I cannot be bothered to join in their social events and I am unable to enjoy myself without the aid of recreational drugs.
Still desirable, comfortably living and in appearance successful and somehow envied in general I feel like fate keeps testing me and playing with me a cruel and very depressing game.
So much to give and no one to take it or share it with

sparks · « **Reply #13 on:** August 02, 2008, 01:23:15 pm »

i know what you mean ,,, the social outlets most people here have involve achohol and drugs and an unhealthy lifestyle one of the reasons i believe i have managed to keep my hiv in check is the fact that i dont particapate in this type of behavior,,, ive been labeled a prude at times , stuck up,, but yet im still here and so many of them have passed before me

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #14 on:** August 02, 2008, 02:49:13 pm »

Quote from: sparks on August 02, 2008, 01:23:15 pm

the social outlets most people here have involve achohol and drugs

uh... excuse me, Mr. 25 posts?

sparks · « **Reply #15 on:** August 02, 2008, 02:51:00 pm »

i meant where i live ,, i know im bored home sick want go out in the sun im on antibiotics know i will cook

Peter6836 · « **Reply #16 on:** August 02, 2008, 04:01:18 pm »

Oh hell I do not mind dying alone as long as I have time and energy to dress for the occasion.
We are all alone in this world. Perhaps there will be swarms of our brothers and sisters there to great us once we die. All in all we are all alone in so many ways.
Now you have me thinking do I want my family around.
I guess the answer is still no.
Oh frear of dying such a wasted emotion, it is inevetable to all of us.
Peter

emeraldize · « **Reply #17 on:** August 03, 2008, 06:53:21 am »

Sparks

My friend and her mother have an end-of-day mostly fast check in call every day which allows my friend to know mom is okay, alive, etc. and some calls end up naturally longer.

Do you have a family member or friend who would do this for you? Just a short, Hey Hi How are ya? is all you need.

Barring that, you might want to find out if any of the for-fee health security services(emergency alert push-botton pendant worn on a necklace) offers a check-in option. Likely not, but worth asking.

Em

Quote from: sparks on July 31, 2008, 07:12:51 pm

i work in emergency services and at times ill respond to someones house that had passed away and no one had found them for a day....it scares the hell out of me because im single and live alone and am a private person and am afraid i will be gone and no one will realize it,, if im sick or ill i get afraid to sleep at night

BT65 · « **Reply #18 on:** August 04, 2008, 06:35:28 pm »

Sparks, I lost both my parents between August of last year and March of this year. I feel like Sharkie. I was there with my mum right up until she took her last breath and it was very nourishing. Now, my dad died alone. My sister went over to his house in the morning to do usual stuff and he was gone. I wish I would have been there; of course I can't change that now.

The only thing I want to happen during my final days is that I'm kept pain-free. Whether I'm alone or not, I'm not really concerned about that.

I agree with seeing a therapist about your fears.

sparks · « **Reply #19 on:** August 04, 2008, 06:45:21 pm »

well ive been sleeping better lately feeling much better.. woohoo.. but still i dont care for my lonely quiet home .. every time i see a person that has passed and that have been in their home for a while until found maybe a day or 2 later it just seems very lonely,,, on the worst day of their life and there was no one there for them,,, i think if i was to share some of the exspierences i have had it would scare the hell out of a therapist , most people dont like talking about what i do for a living

BT65 · « **Reply #20 on:** August 05, 2008, 07:21:57 am »

Quote from: sparks on August 04, 2008, 06:45:21 pm

i think if i was to share some of the exspierences i have had it would scare the hell out of a therapist , most people dont like talking about what i do for a living

I think most therapists wouldn't bat an eye. You underestimate the stories a lot of therapists hear.

weasel · « **Reply #21 on:** August 06, 2008, 07:42:06 pm »

Quote from: Bettytacy

I did not feel nourished , I felt lost and alone ! ,I felt like an orphan !

To the person that stated , " booze and drugs are part of our social network " this could not be more true !

I have lived on the gold coast of Connecticut , the beach areas of southern California , las vegas , and now Missouri

and it is all the same . IF YOU DO NOT LIKE BARS YOU WILL NOT MEET PEOPLE .

It is a lonely life to be a gay man in such a world where we are looked at as misfits & queers !

I rather prefer being a queer ! I am in no way gay

i want to live ! , Karl

weasel · « **Reply #22 on:** August 06, 2008, 07:45:28 pm »

Quote from: Bettytacy on August 04, 2008, 06:35:28 pm

Sparks, I lost both my parents between August of last year and March of this year. I feel like Sharkie. I was there with my mum right up until she took her last breath and it was very nourishing. Now, my dad died alone. My sister went over to his house in the morning to do usual stuff and he was gone. I wish I would have been there; of course I can't change that now.

The only thing I want to happen during my final days is that I'm kept pain-free. Whether I'm alone or not, I'm not really concerned about that.

I agree with seeing a therapist about your fears.

Quote from: weasel on August 06, 2008, 07:42:06 pm

Quote from: Bettytacy

I did not feel nourished , I felt lost and alone ! ,I felt like an orphan !

   To the person that stated , " booze and drugs are part of our social network "   this could not be more true !

   I have lived on the gold coast of Connecticut , the beach areas of southern California , las vegas , and now Missouri

   and it is all the same . IF YOU DO NOT LIKE BARS YOU WILL NOT MEET PEOPLE .

   It is a lonely life to be a gay man in such a world where we are looked at as misfits & queers !

   I rather prefer being a queer ! I am in no way gay

   i want to live ! ,   Karl

BT65 · « **Reply #23 on:** August 06, 2008, 08:35:35 pm »

Please consider that in Weasel's post (#21) I did not say that. That was Weasel. I'm not sure what happened.

Yes, I felt like an orphan when both my parents died. And I don't think bars are the only place to meet people. Try an HIV support group.

weasel · « **Reply #24 on:** August 06, 2008, 08:48:45 pm »

Quote from: sparks on August 02, 2008, 01:23:15 pm

i know what you mean ,,, the social outlets most people here have involve achohol and drugs and an unhealthy lifestyle one of the reasons i believe i have managed to keep my hiv in check is the fact that i dont particapate in this type of behavior,,, ive been labeled a prude at times , stuck up,, but yet im still here and so many of them have passed before me

hullo all

.
this is the quote i was refering to !

AS for HIV support groups , the ones here in S.E. Missouri are full of drug and boozers

, no offence

, but I do stil think

GAYS have no outlets for meeting people that do not revolve around it

OH BETTY , I hope you were not really Nourished

.

with love to all , Karl

sharkdiver · « **Reply #25 on:** August 07, 2008, 10:31:50 am »

Quote from: Bettytacy on August 06, 2008, 08:35:35 pm

Please consider that in Weasel's post (#21) I did not say that. That was Weasel. I'm not sure what happened.

Yes, I felt like an orphan when both my parents died. And I don't think bars are the only place to meet people. Try an HIV support group.

First of all my heart goes out to Betty, once again, for her loss the last couple of years.

And I agree with her about the bars not being the only place! I don't got out to bars at all and I still manage to meet others. Have you ever tried looking into local transgendered/ lesbian/gay papers? Often they have other social events listed.

Weasal....what's this about support groups being full of drugs and boozers? dude, come on now...some of your other posts....just sayin

I hope you find your way to the support system you are wanting

Peace,
Sharkie

sparks · « **Reply #26 on:** August 07, 2008, 11:40:29 am »

I keep looking into it but to no avail... ive thought about a social gathering for my coworkers here at my home...

bear60 · « **Reply #27 on:** August 07, 2008, 01:57:36 pm »

This post , this thread...Sparks...isnt about dying.... at all....its about living...just saying.

Best
Joel

BT65 · « **Reply #28 on:** August 08, 2008, 09:07:29 pm »

Quote from: sparks on August 07, 2008, 11:40:29 am

I keep looking into it but to no avail... ive thought about a social gathering for my coworkers here at my home...

I think that's a great idea, Sparks.

Thanks Sharkie. Its appreciated.

I certainly haven't been to one support group where there's booze or drugs involved. Weasel, I can't imagine where you're going. A dark alley maybe?

Winiroo · « **Reply #29 on:** August 08, 2008, 10:38:13 pm »

Quote from: Bettytacy on August 08, 2008, 09:07:29 pm

I think that's a great idea, Sparks.

Thanks Sharkie. Its appreciated.

I certainly haven't been to one support group where there's booze or drugs involved. Weasel, I can't imagine where you're going. A dark alley maybe?

Mine isn't a support group but a social one. Lots of our get togethers have drinking and a couple have had pot smoking before.

I did go to a different group a long time ago and they had a bar at the same location so drinking happened at that one too. Not everyone drank of course. There are lots of people who do not drink for one reason or another.

I've been to educational dinners with speakers on a subject pertaining to HIV they never had "partying" None that I was aware of anyway.

Philsqueenie · « **Reply #30 on:** August 09, 2008, 09:57:48 am »

Please help me before it's too late!! I wrote a little about my situation in my profile and I hope your able to read that and give me some much needed and much appreciated advice. I am NOT looking for people to feel sorry for me, I messed up and that it is MY FAULT, I just need someone to tell me what to do. I am serious about not staying here, but I have a 17 yr. old daughter who would be devastated. I need reasons for living through this. It is probably so hard for me because no on knows and I don't or haven't talked to anyone. My tests are all at the "normal" range and I am not having to take any medicine yet. So if I feel this way now, how the hell am I gonna survive when I start to get sick? I honestly think I have done nothing with my life, given the world nothing and am just taking up someones deserved space. Please, I don't know what else to do. I drive up and down a mountain everyday and I swear I wish I had the nerve to just fly off it and end all the hurt I have caused people and will undoubtedly cause when they find out what I have.

sharkdiver · « **Reply #31 on:** August 09, 2008, 10:25:45 am »

Hello and welcome to the forum.

From reading your bio, you are going through a lot. I'm glad you found your way here.

Are you getting any counseling services? This forum can be of great support, but certainly not a replacement for one-on-one therapy.

You probably would want to start your own thread. That way you would get more specific attention and you wouldn't be "highjacking"

Go to the top of the Mental Health forum and press the New Topic button. Then go ahead and write about what you are going through.

Sharkie

Philsqueenie · « **Reply #32 on:** August 09, 2008, 10:39:44 am »

I have never done this before and I am sorry for highjacking, I certainly didn't mean to be rude. Thanks for the heads up and I will follow your advice. Never fails, I always irritate somebody!

sharkdiver · « **Reply #33 on:** August 09, 2008, 10:44:54 am »

Quote from: Philsqueenie on August 09, 2008, 10:39:44 am

I have never done this before and I am sorry for highjacking, I certainly didn't mean to be rude. Thanks for the heads up and I will follow your advice. Never fails, I always irritate somebody!

Honey honey honey
You weren't being rude, you just didn't know. like I wrote , start a new topic so that you can get the attention you probably need (and it won't be hidden in someone else's thread) that's all

Sharkie

modified for a few silly spelling mistakes,

BubbaPat · « **Reply #34 on:** August 10, 2008, 07:21:55 pm »

Howdy Sparks,

Remember that we all have the same feelings form time to time. Being afraid of being alone is something I think every person goes through and figures out the best way for them to deal with.

In your case, invite friends over. Start your own dinner club. Join a sports group. I for one play softball and like to bowl. The temptation for drinking way too much at some of these social gatherings is always going to be there. I've played softball WAY TOO LONG to not realize that. Myself, I'm a two beer person. After two beers, I don't want to drink anymore. It took me a while to finally find a group of guys that I could hang out with that liked the same things I did and didn't have to be at the bars to talk about them.

Hang in there kiddo. Life is bumpy, hilly, and treacherous even. It make you appreciate all the 'smooth' sections. As for finding someone, my 'adopted' grandmother found the love of her life when she was in here 70s and when asked, she said it was worth the wait.

If you need a friend in Texas, I'm here. I can chat on the computer or I can talk on the phone. I could ramble on about nothin' or somethin' I was once told I should have been diagnosed with ADD because I carried on three conversations with three different people at the same time. My family was too poor to get Ritalin so I got butt woopins' instead.

Big huge monstrous bubba hugs!!
Patrick

weasel · « **Reply #35 on:** August 11, 2008, 10:20:06 am »

Quote from: Bettytacy on August 08, 2008, 09:07:29 pm

I think that's a great idea, Sparks.

Thanks Sharkie. Its appreciated.

I certainly haven't been to one support group where there's booze or drugs involved. Weasel, I can't imagine where you're going. A dark alley maybe?

I appolgize to betty tacy !

she thinks I am of HER class

HONEY YOU ARE NOT EVEN CLOSE

Betty that HATEFUL P.M. YOU SENT WAS NOT CALLED FOR

i have done nothing to affend you !

HOW DARE YOU ACCUSE ME OF PROWLING DARK ALLY'S , WE ALL KNOW ,TAKE'S ONE TO KNOW ONE .

I invite any one of you to come to one of our meetings in S.E. Missouri !

Obviosouly drugs and boose are not cunsumed at the meetings , HOW NIAVE'

THIS topic was of loosing dead people

, and somehow BETTY TACY turned it into a hate-feast !

I wish no one to be so alone to have to die alone

BETTY try to calm down , I do not dislike you , but if you insist on nasty comments I WILL FORWARD THEM

TO ANN !

BT65 · « **Reply #36 on:** August 11, 2008, 11:54:47 am »

Now back to Sparks and the topic at hand........

Edited to add: Weasal, I haven't sent you a pm for quite awhile; since the crazy pm's you sent me a few months back.

dixieman · « **Reply #37 on:** August 11, 2008, 03:42:43 pm »

I've thought about this before... but, in reality there's not much one can do about it. Many of my friends are deceased now... I've been to more funerals than I care to count... this year alone so far I'm on number 7... 5 were my age. So who will attend my funeral? My sisters close friends etc... if their still here... at least if I'm home alone I'm on camera... whether inside or outside I'm the star of this movie...lol just enjoy life... life is for the living... we all live, die and our energy passes from one form to another... I make sure when I'm sick I am well dressed either in my pj's with a wonderful smoking jacket on... one must be prepared for the inevitable... don't worry about it... just live life. Oh think of this my aunt passed away in her bathroom.... it took six men to get her out... she was a big girl! no one thought anything less about her... and I know she did not want to be found in her moo-moo but, in reality she was not there to be upset about it... she moved on to a better place!

Ann · « **Reply #38 on:** August 11, 2008, 07:29:54 pm »

At the end of the day, we all die alone.

sparks · « **Reply #39 on:** August 16, 2008, 11:08:58 am »

thanks bubba pat,,, was a bad day yesterday had three die but it was nice to see family at their homes who had been taking care of them....sometimes with the elderly it amazes me to see them at home alone not tooken care of and it just looks very lonely and sad...i love texas maybe ill visit sometime

Graywolf · « **Reply #40 on:** October 21, 2008, 01:15:28 pm »

I know what you mean, I live alone and have no living friends of family. My phone will not ring for months except for telemarketers, wrong numbers and doctor appointment reminders. There have been times when I have been sick in bed alone that I prayed God would kill me in my sleep and it would be over, but I always woke up.

Although many tell me what a bright, honest, sweet spirited guy I am, amazed that I was never able to make friends, especially among gay men and although i have been out for 37 years never had a gay friend who I was close to. I always reached out to help others and was taken advantage of many times, whenever I enter a gay space, everyone would scatter giving me wrinkled nose disgusted looks

back when we had HIV support meetings the topic of dieing alone came up, and one guys said it didn't matter because when you die, you can't take everyone else with you.

I look at my life as a total failure socially, most people have families and at least a few close friends, but the fear of having died days weeks earlier before anyone realizes, except for the horrible smell coming from my apartment

hades01 · « **Reply #41 on:** November 24, 2008, 05:00:00 pm »

I agree with you!

Quote from: MYSTERY on August 01, 2008, 12:56:43 am

Sparks,

I think the only thing anyone of us can do is live life every day to the fullest. I to work in a field were I see human tragedy and have learned to deal with it in a spiritual way. Death will encounter us all, so if you can find a purpose to life, and understanding that death is just a part of life , and that we have a greater purpose than just this life I think it might help. Also, I do not think anyone ever dies alone. I believe that your hand will be taken into the next life. Just a few of my own thought I hope they can find you some comfort.

Rural_oz · « **Reply #42 on:** November 25, 2008, 04:51:48 pm »

When I was about 20 I worked in a bar catering to Returned Servicemen & Women. Here I met an old bloke that came in every morning and bought a small beer which he sat on for a few hours, then he would go off home. He told me that he had been a bomber pilot over Europe in WW2, he had been married but lost his wife several years before. He had 3 children. He would bring me lemons from his garden for me to use in the bar. One day he arrived in a suit and tie, telling me that his son was coming to take him out for the day. He sat by the front door. By mid afternoon he came back into the bar and proceeded to get very drunk. The women I worked with then told me that he would do this every few weeks, get dressed up and sit by the door. The son never came.

This is a true story. I am not making it up and I do not tell it as a sad story. Far from it. It made me realise that we have no control over our lives. Here was a man that had a family and yet was still very alone, maybe more alone because they ignored him.

My own Mother was much loved by me and my family and yet she passed very suddenly by herself.

As for me, I prefer to think about living. The dying bit will happen when it happens.

maddalfred · « **Reply #43 on:** November 29, 2008, 07:42:26 am »

Quote from: sparks on July 31, 2008, 07:12:51 pm

i work in emergency services and at times ill respond to someones house that had passed away and no one had found them for a day....it scares the hell out of me because im single and live alone and am a private person and am afraid i will be gone and no one will realize it,, if im sick or ill i get afraid to sleep at night

Sparks,

I read your post shortly after it appeared and shied away from a response because it triggered some very bad feelings in me that I have tried to gain some perspective on. I dealt with my own mortality issues several years ago and came to realize that dying really doesn't scare me all that much, it's the manner in which I die that concerns me. Other dear friends who have gone before have died slow horrible deaths, mostly because of families that refused to let them go. Since my own recent diagnosis, I came to the realization that there is NO one in my life to tell anyone I DO NOT WANT artificial life saving methods used to keep my body alive, and I have been trying to interest the few people in my life who know of my diagnosis in being willing to sign papers to act on my behalf should it come down to that.

I believe as others may have said that we all die alone in the end, I would just like a little dignity in the end is all. When I compare my life to others, I really have been fortunate, seeing and doing many things others only dream about or are too afraid to try. There are still many places I would want to visit in the world and many people yet to meet between now and when I finally do meet the reaper and that is what I try to concentrate on in the darkest days.

I DO understand your concerns Sparks and I DO "hear" you.

Rex

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Author Topic: dying alone (Read 28277 times)