Negative feedback on having babies

[HealthyMomma]

The other day I was giving my toddler and bath and was thinking how cute she is and how happy I am that I got to be her mommy. Then I remembered something the nurse that tested me for HIV said to me. After I found out I was poz, I decided I was still gonna have a baby. She told me that having a baby was not a good idea and I should reconsider. That hurt my feelings but several weeks later was still in the mindset to have kids eventually. She told me that having kids was one of the worst things I could do and that it would be selfish of me to do so. I moved and thankfully dont have to see that bitch anymore. My docs here are WONDERFUL and my little girl is negative. Even though she is healthy and I know I made a good decision by becoming a mother I can't help but get her nasty comments out of my head from time to time. How is it that a nurse can be so uneducated and cruel? Just wondering if anyone here has had similar issues where they got negative comments about getting/being pregnant because of their HIV status?

[Ulong]

I had a Gyn who was just dying to do a hysterectomy. If I had agreed, I think he would have done one on the spot with any available instrument. Really, every time I was in for a regular pap smear he would thrill me with new and different ways to get my uterus out of my body. His motivation was clearly to have me "fixed", the first time I met him he told me I had a 75% chance of having a baby who was HIV positive. Thank goodness I blew him off and still have all my equipment, even if I haven't used it for childbirth. Just goes to show--- having a medical degree doesn't mean you aren't a judgemental ass. Or that you have a brain, I mean, 75%? What was he smoking when he made up that statistic? Must have been a damn good drug connection.

HIV is so different from other diseases, everyone (doctors, nurses, the mailman, grocery store bagboys, etc.) thinks they have a right to tell you how to live your life. Do you think that nurse would have told a 42 year old woman she was selfish to have a baby because of a slightly higher risk of Down's syndrome? No.

Sounds like you've filed her comment where it belongs, under "mouthy statements from weenies that mean nothing". That's where it belongs. But it is hard to hear that crap, even when you know it's garbage. I know exactly what you mean when you say it's stuck in your head. I hate it when that happens.

[cjc]

The other day I was giving my toddler and bath and was thinking how cute she is and how happy I am that I got to be her mommy. Then I remembered something the nurse that tested me for HIV said to me. After I found out I was poz, I decided I was still gonna have a baby. She told me that having a baby was not a good idea and I should reconsider. That hurt my feelings but several weeks later was still in the mindset to have kids eventually. She told me that having kids was one of the worst things I could do and that it would be selfish of me to do so. I moved and thankfully dont have to see that bitch anymore. My docs here are WONDERFUL and my little girl is negative. Even though she is healthy and I know I made a good decision by becoming a mother I can't help but get her nasty comments out of my head from time to time. How is it that a nurse can be so uneducated and cruel? Just wondering if anyone here has had similar issues where they got negative comments about getting/being pregnant because of their HIV status?

                                                                                 Hello, I was  thinking about how best to respond to your post. i have a young child(4 yo) but was negative when I had him. So, I think it should go like this. Everybody has an opinion and that nurse should have kept hers to herself, very unprofessional. It was your decision and I'm really glad she(your baby) was negative. They sure do light up your life. I am very sorry you had to deal with that and glad you moved so you have  more professional providers.  Cristy

[shotis]

hey as a nurse myself l feel that t times we tend to think things in stereotypical manner, not thinking of  other people's feelings. l mainly work with people with ms (multiple sclerosis) most of them are young and vibrant, they want to achieve things that l find impossible for someone in a wheelchair to do. But l have never took it upon me stop them or discourage them or even judge them on their capabilities. l think this nurse should have stuck her opinion elsewhere, she is not God to people what they can or cannot do. we have the right to life and all that comes with it as much as she does. You were not supposed to be subjected to those comments from someone who should suppoeting health wise. Those are the kind of people who perpetuate stigma amongt poz people.

[Dragonette]

Although the doctor who diagnosed me was very religious, the first thing he said to me was "you can still have children". I think that's amazing as I am sure it contradicts his personal beliefs.
And ever since then I have had mostly encouragement, and I really think that if I come across idiots like said nurse, or the kind of people that criticize you for even being in a relationship with a neg let alone having kids, I have built up a strong base not to care (I hope). But not everyone is fortunate to encounter supportive people right at the start. I've been really lucky.

[confusedme]

Wow. Thanks for this post. I know how lucky I am now to have such a great, open-minded doctor. Not only did she tell my husband and I that we can still have children, she told us the safest way to go about conceiving. I'm sorry that some of you have dealt with these kinds of jerks.

[IzPoz]

You know, the mindset of some people is really amazing. Goes to show you that no matter what kind of education they receive, they can still be complete dumb asses.

I'm 39 years old, have been widowed for two years, but recently fell completely in love with the most wonderful man who doesn't have children. The one thing in this world that I want is to give him a child. I can't help but think about all the negative comments, yet they aren't enough to sway my decision. I think the age factor may, but not the negative comments.

If you have a doctor, or their staff, that gives you feedback like that, then it's time to find another one. I'd even feel out the maternity ward at your hospital to see how they react.

[HealthyMomma]

Thank you everyone for giving your insight....I hope none of you listen to any negative comments if they should arise...

[tendai]

here in Zimbabwe you wouldnt hear that. we have an ad that comes out on TV almost everyday of this pregnant woman who's with her husband over a baby's cot and they're discussing how they felt when she tested positive for HIV when she got pregnant and the help, advice and information they received on how to have a negative baby. u'd have to be a complete ass to make a comment like to someone here.  the HIV/AIDS campaigns here are so intensive i think even the little kids in nursery school know everything they need to know about it

[Blessed1974]

I'd have to say from my personal experience it depends on where you're at like Tendai said.  I'm a native New Yorker and when I lived there it wasn't a problem.  Then for awhile I lived in Florida, still no problem.  But now I live in Southern Cali and you would think since I live in California there would still be open-minded people here but theres not.  When I first went to the doctors here they acted as if they had never seen a positive women before and asked me a whole bunch of stupid and ignorant questions.  Unfortunately, my other half is at a military base in the middle of the desert and I'm just stuck with doctors who are idiots.  Right off the bat they told me that the hospital here is not equiped to delivery a baby to a person like me.    I was mad and hurt for a little while but I got over it because sometimes you just can't fix stupid, LOL

[tendai]

amazing how ignorant educated people can be huh?