disclosure to my daughter...need some advice

[hjeffs]

need some advice, especially if you have children or understand this situation.
I have 2 children a boy 18 and a daughter 11. My son knows my diagnosis as well as my partners, HIV+.
I was diagnosed in June of 2005. The children's mother, these are my biological children, wants to tell my daughter. She believes she is showing signs of anxiety and believe that it is because we are all keeping a secret from her.
The children's mother my partner and myself have a good relationship. Her belief to disclose now is to eliminate my daughters signs of anxiety she has been exhibiting. She was born pre mature 1lb 7 oz. The prematurity comes with some issues including behavioral.

My first thought is to make sure my daughters needs are taken care of. I question if telling her now is a solution to her anxiety or will increase it. Yes we have not told her but there is not a big deal made around our taking meds and doctors appointments or any health issues. I am concerned this is there mothers anxiety more than my daughters.

I am a bit upset and my partner is off the charts. The kids mom is a therapist and a bright lady. She could just tell her without my concent but she hasn't and this reflects the kind of relationship we have.

OK.....question. I am looking for your thoughts, how do you tell an 11 year old that is displaying anxiety already and not have her flip out, and what about the fall out when she tells her friends?

I can't tell her not to tell anyone and then make it seem OK. I have lived my life in front of them as a gay man to make sure they see it is OK to be gay and it is good. I need to make sure she sees her dads as carring an illness but we are OK.

Help

Jeff

[Alain]

Jeff,

Family members especially children know far more than we adults are willing to admit or realize.

Your daughter is still very young and perhaps she suspect something is going on.

It might be the simple case of wanting to belong and be part of everyone's life.

Maybe. Take care.

Alain.

[jack]

You need to do what feels right to you.  I had a therapist tell me I needed to tell my girls when they were teens. She said it was most likely the reason my one daughter was having problems because she knew i was keeping a secret from her. TOTAL BULLSHIT! and of course I told the therapist that.
My daughter has outgrown her teenage problems and is now about to graduate from college,magna cum laude,has a boyfriend, and is very happy. I have not yet disclosed and really dont see any reason to.

[Ihavehope]

Hi

One thing I can advise you to do is to not think about disclosure on a daily basis or even often because there is so much fear involved in disclosure that it can drive you sick. I promised myself that if I ever did disclose it to my family (no kids here) I would do it there and then without much thought. I don't want to schedule a day to get them all together and reveal my secret but instead when I feel that I can no longer hold it in. Why? Because it would worry most of my family sick which means I will get more sick. One thing I can tell you is that this can change your relationship with your daughter in a good or bad way, depending on his/her personality. If you choose to tell your kids please educate them immediately. Also PLEASE don't get down if your kids need some time alone to think about things and don't talk to you, it takes time for a family member to take all this in. Good luck in your decision.

[Alain]

Every parents I know have told me the same thing, that they want to promote a dialogue and foster the kind of a relationship that was different from their own experience.

I see this as a very good opportunity, because HIV is such a big part of your life, and so is she.

Letting her deal with it on her own time, and has she become comfortable she will tell whom ever she needs to and deal with it.

I view this also as part of someone education and knowledge. It can happen to anyone; in some cases even their own dad.

Alain.

[Lisa]

Hi Jeff,
You may think me an outlyer, but when my kids were at the eleventy, twelvish number, I had a very frank conversation with them. This was even before I knew I was HIV positive.
We really don't give our kids enough credit for being thinking people. I schooled them about sexually transmitted diseases before they were old enough to go out and fiddle with classmates. I taught my sons how to apply a condom before they became sexually active. It was not a permission to go have sex, but rather, a preparation to face real life issues.
I never talked to my kids like they would trip the life eternal. The real issues were whether they were willing to enter a sexual encounter with their eyes open. Every encounter holds the possibility of being infected with a deadly virus period.
The choice they had was to either wait for sexual intamacy, or be absolutely sure they protected themselves from HIV or other STD's.
I chose to inform them of the real dangers awaiting them in the world at large.
You have a duty to inform your children of the sexual dangers that may await.
I'm not saying telling boogeyman stories either. I simply laid out the facts, and answered their questions.
HIV/AIDS is a fact of life. It is fluorishing in every segment of society, and our kids deserve to be armed with the truth. I don't know how to plainly state it any more clearly.
Give them the facts, and allow them to make their own informed decisions. Love them no matter what.

[Elizabeth]

From the 'Out of the Mouths of Babes' category....even when they are 6 feet tall....

I was trying to read the replies to your question when my 17 year old son popped up behind me.

So I asked him what he thought.  He was told about his step father and myself when he was ten.

His advice:  "Tell.  It's better than hiding and keeping it a secret.  Besides I don't think about it, unless someone brings it up." 

We've always treated it as just a disease we deal with, no big deal.  I think in the long run being open and calm about it, helped to stabilize their lives about the whole issue.  They have learned how to protect themselves as Lisa's kid and they also don't buy into the whole paranoia about HIV, since they have lived with it and know better.

[Andy Velez]

Jeff, I think it's important that you and your ex-wife especially have a clear understanding of the parameters of what you're going to say.

At this moment it's not clear to me that the issue with your daughter is actually related to HIV/AIDS, but it might be. Before you get into disclosure I think it would be a good idea for you to talk with your daughter and tell her that you and her mother are wondering if there is something worrying her. If she says no, I wouldn't immediately force the issue. I might say a little more about what has made her parents think something is up.

She may just come out and say something.

If health and HIV does become the topic then I would keep it very, very simple. You don't have to give lots of details. You have a virus. You're healthy and it's being well taken care of by your doctor. If she ever has any questions about it she should always feel free to ask them. See how she reacts and what she says.

She may want to know why she wasn't told before. You can truthfully tell her that you wanted to wait until she was grownup enough to talk the way you're talking with her now.

Maybe a few days or so after the conversation you might ask her if she has had any further thoughts about your conversation. Or if she has any questions. If she says no, remind her that if she ever does she should feel free to ask.

And if you have any further questions or thoughts please discuss them here. I know for sure that others here have people in their lives with whom they are facing similar concerns.

Good luck. It'll work out. Just keep it simple and truthful.