POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Someone I Care About Has HIV => Topic started by: alejofm05 on May 22, 2012, 08:11:46 am
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Hi. I have to say that this forum is great! I have been dating a HIV positive man for 2 months; I think he is fantastic; he was up front and honest about his status from the start. He told me before even asking me out on a date. However, our sex life is not very active. I thought that I was the one that was going to be afraid (I'm still a little bit, but this forum has given me a lot of great info and peace of mind) but it turns out that he is the one that has trouble performing because he is afraid of me getting sick. I understand what he feels, he is an amazing guy and I know that if I were to get sick the guilt would kill him, but the bottom line is that the relationship won’t work out if we can’t have a healthy sex life. He has been positive for over 8 years, his last relationship was 4, and since he was so honest up front I thought he was in a more comfortable place. I’m here to find people that went through a similar situation with their partner and to see how they overcome this problem. I’ve been thinking of talking with him about getting professional help, I think he would be open to that, but I want to see what other options there are and how other people worked through similar situations.
Thanks!
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Ale, did you two know that if he is on meds with an undetectable viral load that you are unlikely to become hiv positive because of him? Even if a condom were to break.
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Hello Ann, yes, I've read the studies (although other reports claim that undetectable viral load on blood does not necessarily mean the same for semen, could you give me a little for info into to this? thanks) He is on meds and undetectable and is aware of the studies too. We have talked about the risks and what sexual behaviors I would be comfortable with. But as it turns out, he is the one that is having the most difficulty dealing with the matter. I think this is the first time that he is actually facing the fact that he can infect a person he cares about with a clear mind. After finding his status he went into a depression for a while and into alcoholism, while he was on a relationship for 4 years after his positive status, he was a drunk for all that time. He finally made a change in his life 2 years ago, he has been sober since, he's going to the gym where he has lost over 40 pounds and is having great success on his professional life. Now, this is the first time that he is trying a relationship after being sober.
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Hi Ale, i am actually working through a relatively similar situation right now myself. The difference is my bf found out about his status as we were starting our relationship. We are still slowly working through the sexual part of it, but i can say that for us, experimenting and living out some fantasies that are absolutely 0% risk has helped to keep us very much sexually connected and active while we work towards both feeling comfortable with having intercourse.
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This sounds almost exactly like the situation I'm in now! My guy has been HIV+ for about 10 years, has an undetectable viral load, and seems otherwise very healthy--but he definitely seems (overly?) cautious about being intimate. It's hard to figure out the risks myself sometimes with all of the conflicting information available on the internet, but good luck and know that you're not the only one dealing with this!
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at first, i was dealing with the same matter. i am hiv positive. my boyfriend was afraid at first but he got over it too quickly. he read studies and all the info about healthy sexual life. i am still afraid of getting him hiv, because it would be too much guilt to bear. but after one month, we started to do anal sex. i am not on meds, not undetectable at all. (look at my signature) but we used condoms (special maximum protective ones) and we saw it is the only thing you should do. why are you so afraid of, condom break? if you use a good lube and good condom, it is almost not possible. so there is no need to kill your sex life, or turn it to a fantasy masturbation periods. you can do whatever you want as long as you use condoms.
UD blood viral load doesn't mean UD semen viral load, but it is highly unlikely, because HIV like CD4 cells, which is mostly in blood. but mucosal parts of the body, and central nervous system have CD4 cells as well. semen viral load mostly lower than blood VL, if your BF is UD like years, i don't think his semen VL is high. and this is the scenario for condom break! and if condom break, of course you can realize it before ejaculation and change it.
so i think you can ignore this minimum chance. it is almost impossible. people have children with unprotected vaginal sex when they are UD for years.
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Thanks everyone for your responses. lpd19852001 if you don't mind me asking, how frequently are you guys having sex? it has been 3 weeks since we last had sex, granted it has been difficult for us to spend time together this month since it's the craziest month of the year for him, he is working now 7 days a week. Things should go back to normal at work next week.
songs06 if I read correctly you have been positive for 3 months now? Were you guys already together with a healthy sex life before your positive status? maybe that helped you guys a little bit. Are you seeking professional help? I'm really interested in knowing how are you approaching the situation. thanks!
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Hi Ale! I have a somewhat similar situation and even though we have not had sexual relations yet (due to distance) I have a similar situation. What has really worked for us so far is communication. We have both communicated our fears and expectations. What we want and how we can acheive that. Luckily we were on the same page so there wasn't much we had to negotiate on. Perhaps if you tell him how you feel about it and have an open and honest conversation about what he feels, then you can have a healthy sex life. I know that my partner and I will have quite the sex life when he relocates. We have come to an agreement that neither one should ever feel afraid of the other. I don't want him to ever be afraid of infecting me and he doesn't want me to ever feel afraid of being infected by him. Just having that kind of dialogue can go a loooooooong way.
Just my $0.02. :-)
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Hi Ale,
My situation is the opposite. I was not lucky enough to find someone who is so honest about their status. But it may help for you to know that I have had unprotected sex with him for almost 2 years and had his baby and I have tested negative in total 8 times. I was tested 3 times during my pregnancy before I even knew his status and then once I discovered he was hiv+ had 3 antibody, 1 antigen and 1 pcr test that were all negative...
You're very lucky to have someone who cared enough to inform you and try to protect your heart, body and mind.
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Hi Ale! I have a somewhat similar situation and even though we have not had sexual relations yet (due to distance) I have a similar situation. What has really worked for us so far is communication. We have both communicated our fears and expectations. What we want and how we can acheive that. Luckily we were on the same page so there wasn't much we had to negotiate on. Perhaps if you tell him how you feel about it and have an open and honest conversation about what he feels, then you can have a healthy sex life. I know that my partner and I will have quite the sex life when he relocates. We have come to an agreement that neither one should ever feel afraid of the other. I don't want him to ever be afraid of infecting me and he doesn't want me to ever feel afraid of being infected by him. Just having that kind of dialogue can go a loooooooong way.
Just my $0.02. :-)
I can only hope that one day I can find someone like you.