I Need Advice on Disclosng to family

[brooklynpoz]

Hi everyone,

Since I was diagnosed, I have kept my status to myself, my negative partner, and 1 close friend of mine.
My partner and I are together 4 years now, and we want to go to the next level.
The next level being, liberation of this secret, obtaining a domestic partnership certificate, etc.
I am unsure on whom to disclose to. My choices are, my brother and his wife or my uncle.
I also have been readiing extensively on as many sites that I can find on proper ways of doing this,the right words, etc.
I feel so bad that I will forever change my loved ones lives by disclosing.
I would be devistated if I cause them to get sick over this. My health is great ( thank God), and I am not disclosing for that reason.
But, it is important to disclose for both myself and my partner.
Please give me all your feedback, your experiences , support groups in NYC, books you may know of, etc.

Thank you all in advance for reading this and for your responses.

[mjmel]

The right words and the timing comes from your heart. There is no "by the book" way. Have a sit down and speak from your heart.
You don't need a guide book to do this.

Mike

[anniebc]

Hi Brooklyn

I have removed your other two posts from "Off Topic" and the "LTS" forum, you will get the answers you need right here.

Disclosing is a personal choice no-one can tell you how, where or when..but when the time comes and you make the decision to disclose you will find the right words.

Hugs
Jan

[Andy Velez]

Brooklyn, I am assuming you've read our lesson on disclosure. Whomever you decide to disclose to, keep it simple. Don't overload them with too much information. And it's important to make clear that your health is good and you're under good care.

Be as clear as you can with yourself and in talking with your partner about what your purpose is in disclosing. And then know to accept letting the chips fall where they may. The way I see it, I wouldn't spend too much energy and worry on the upset for those to whom you disclose. It's a part of the price of loving that we are sad and worried and otherwise react when someone we care about has a problem. Seeing that you are getting on with your life and doing well and that you're happy with your partner will be very reassuring to them.

Keep us posted on how this goes and any further thoughts you are having about it.

Good luck with sorting this challenging issue out successfully for yourself.

Cheers,

[BrooklynGuy]

from one brooklyn guy to another, better to disclose than what i went through.  i was diagnosed in 2005 and avoided my family for the next 2 years - always having an excuse not to see them or go home for holidays.  it was eating me up inside but a tiny portion of me was afraid they would disown me or not love me any more.  then in the spring of 2007 i came down with a nasty case of menengitis/encephilitis - not definately caused by my hiv but to this day, no doctor can explain the infection.  anyhow, because my partner admitted me to the hospital because i was incoherent and convulsing, he was faced with the task of calling my family to a) tell them i was in the hospital in a coma and b) i was also hiv+.  in the end i came out of the illness and my family (who came down to brooklyn to be at my bedside the whole 2 weeks i was in the hospital) loves me just the same, if not more.

don't wait until you have to disclose - be proactive - i'm sure your family will love and support you.

[BT65]

Brooklynpoz, like others have said, there is no textbook answer on this subject.  I tested poz in 1989 and immediately told my parents.  Luckily I had the type of mum who found out the information she wanted (i.e. does the silverwear have to be washed seperate etc.) on her own.  And my family, although worried, was 100% supportive.  They saw that I was getting on with my life, and that was all they needed. 

Just let the words come from your heart.  No one can say how they will react.  But you will have done your part. Good luck and let us know how it goes.
   Luv,
Betty

[woodshere]

Like others have said disclosure is a personal decision and one many of us struggle with.  It took me several tries before telling my mom.  Finally I just sat her down and calmly said, "I'm HIV+".  From there we just talked.  Trust your instincts and do what feels right. 

Best of luck,
Woods

[Miss Philicia]

My parents actually got mad at me for NOT telling them for so long, saying "Well, you would have told us if you had cancer!"  You know you waited too long when you have actually explain the stigma concept.

There's also no one technique for this stuff.  I actually did it over the phone because 1) I lived 5 hours away and 2) because I was a weakling.

Good luck.

[David_CA]

Brooklyn, I am assuming you've read our lesson on disclosure. Whomever you decide to disclose to, keep it simple. Don't overload them with too much information. And it's important to make clear that your health is good and you're under good care.

This wasn't exactly how it went for me, which is why, if I had it to do over again, I would 'voluntarily' disclose.  My disclosure came about due to  my being hospitalized with PCP pneumonia.  I was under good care but was sick as hell.  Laying in a hospital bed breathing oxygen, multiple IV bags dripping, and being connected to all sorts of monitors is not the way any parent wishes to hear about their son's HIV infection (AIDS, actually).  I guess I'm trying to say that I'd rather have disclosed when it 'didn't matter' instead of when it really did.  Not disclosing earlier was a poor decision on my part.  I'd stressed over not disclosing for months prior to actually doing it; the stress and anxiety were terrible.

Why didn't I disclose earlier?  I knew in the back of my mind that my parents and sister would handle it.  I just felt too stupid and like a screw-up for becoming infected in the first place.  I guess disclosure mostly depends on the relationship you have with your family.  Take care.

David

[billy]

I just felt too stupid and like a screw-up for becoming infected in the first place.  I guess disclosure mostly depends on the relationship you have with your family.  Take care.

David

That's true... although I told my family quite fast.
As my first test came out positive... around 2 hours later I called my sister and told her... Somehow I had the feeling that I have to tell... to be honest with my family as usual. I did not want to tell my parents also via phone... cuz it sounds tough... but I wanted to. Anyhow... my mom came 2 days later to take care of me cuz i was sick... and asked me about the tests I did and what doc said. I told her... "the results are not so good... the doc found antibodies which are similar to HIV..." - well as you see... i was not able to tell her directly. So I started the case what if... and try to explain her what means HIV / AIDS / Treatment... of course she was shocked... but she gave me also strength. 3 days later I told my father too... same story... OK... then we went alltogether to the labotary for Western-Blot Test... and so what ever the result would had been... I knew my parents would stand by me.

But the only thing I was worrying to disclose my status was not that I was afraid of my family... just as David said... "I just felt too stupid and like a screw-up for becoming infected" and was thinking that I disappointed my parents in a way.

Anyway... When should you disclose? If they are happy & won in lottery? When they are said? In my point of view there is actually NO GOOD timing for such a case... you can only make the difference if you are ready to tell and to explain what that means.

You can also start to ask your parents e.g. if they know what happens in your body if you get a flu... like antibodies are produced... the cd4 cells... which are important to fight against any viruses... but there is a virus which cd4 cells cannot fight against longterm... so you have to take meds (one day)...  bla bla bla

You'll find out what to say...
Good Luck

[J.R.E.]

I told my family ( first my mother, then my siblings) shortly after my diagnoses back in 1985. It was a very emotional period of time. It is also something that I  have never regretted doing. The only one I never told was my father, he would never have understood. I had the greatest of support from my mother and older sister, both have passed on. I still get incredible support from my younger sister. I have seen family's give unconditional support. I have also seen families torn apart by it. I think as Andy mentioned,  Keep it simple, but be prepared.



Take care----Ray