And the loneliness invaded my soul...

[LatinAlexander]

Here I am...
In a very chic, trendy, kinda vintage hotel.
The one. The one that everybody sees.
A somewhat succesfull guy.
In an otherwise, very nice situation.
Alone, in a room.
Well, not a room. A suite
Listening to some lounge music
Sinatra, or some other big band
Naked, after taking a shower
Afraid, of life
Wondering, why?
Sad, do not know exactly why,
even when I have enough reasons
Alone, after a wonderful dinner
Where I had to laugh, smile, be nice
Just to hide
the terrible mess
, my soul

Wanna cry, for the past...
Wanna think, about How, when , who happened this to me....
Alone

Perfect...An otherwise, perfect life
Only that it is not a life. It's a death...A slowly one
The feeling, beginning to lose myself...
My mind, a haze,can't focus on anything else
And i dwell on hiv,
and request another drink.
Go away, to the bathroom, escape. Pill time.
Another one, move on, it's late,
get out of there, Smile again.

Can't help it
Think of dead
At the end, wouldn't everything be easier that way?
I'll end up there, anyway
So why to stay?
My mind would rest
My heart would not take more pain
Can I fake, just one more day?

A brilliant future, the envy of many
if they all would know
I'd give it all
the be like any

scared, sad, alone,
fancy, in a lie, in this world
nowhere to run,nowhere to hide
noway to escape
i am just going to die

Hope? no, not here
sorry Sir, not available tonight
just melancholy
anything else you want?

I want my dreams, my life back
something stole my peace of mind
wanna die, do not wanna think
I simply do not wanna feel
this terrible pain.

It's a mind game, I know
How can I play, if I have already lost?
If I am comdemned to resist, a battle that I cannot win
It's better to surrender, and this is it

But guess what my friends,
Have no balls, to kill myself
What a waste I am
I not even can decide over my own hand

Alex

[allopathicholistic]

my darling latina (LatinA = latina! ) - none of us know what good surprises tomorrow has in store for us, so i'm hoping the "element of surprise" (and hope) can fuel you through any dark times. y'know, like kids right before Christmas Eve (the excitement, anticipation) ..... tomorrow will be brand new and you can't predict it so you'll HAVE TO stick around to see what happens, there's no other way 

    

     

[Val]

Alex,
I will intentionally make mine some of the words and thoughts of a not very acclaimed Greek philosopher, Pyrrho (360 B.C.), to try and answer your queries.  And I will do it purposefully knowing that you are a believer, which is just the opposite of this sage man from Elis --- he was more than agnostic!
I want you to keep in mind, though, that during some fighting in India at Alexander's army, and after a quick shave with death, this fellow decided that..."since Life had not been snatched ungraciously from him, then he ought to start making the best use of it!"
And as you would imagine, War --- like all misfortunes and sorrows --- is the true creator of philosophy in Man, and possibly we should all have just enough of it (I am not suggesting bloody mayhem such as  the one in Irak nowadays!) in order to get our mental processes working efficiently and up to scratch!

Anyway, Pyrrho --- a contemporary of Epicurus and Zeno --- found that war brought out the reflective side of his nature.  Now, isn't it a personal war that we are fighting here with all these challenging moments on Earth,  and this  regardless of Living with Hiv? Hiv is just one extra  burden on our shoulders! A very hefty one, I concur! And although my question is perhaps an all-embracing type of loaded query, hopefully at the end of this reply I'll be able to get you out of your pessimistic way of sensing and accepting your burdens in life. Keep in mind, please,  that it is "normal" to behave the way you are conducting yourself these days!  It is called "philosophying!"
What would not be neither healthy nor reasonable, though, is to wallow in these kinds of negative thinking.

Remember what Pyrrho would affirm regarding Life and Death when you are feeling down and out.  He stated that "Life is not a certain good; just as Death is not a certain evil; and perhaps it is actually good, but it was best" he decided in obmutescence, "to calmly accept, and to be peaceful."
So, after returning from India Pyrrho decided  to spend his entire time in search of tranquillity of the soul.  He sought "Ataraxy", or "Apathy" and found it with the suspension of all thought, since he strongly believed that that would eventually lead to utter tranquillity.  Which is contrary to the very existence of men!  But, then again, Pyrrho affirmed that ..."Everything is opinion, and nothing is true. Every reason has a corresponding reason opposed to it.  Something may be ugly, or beautiful; good, or bad; depending on the mood, and the circumstances...!"

In another words, dear Alex, tomorrow is another day and the sun will be shining for all of God/dess children! You've just been infected and are still going through some growing pains about Hiv.  When thinking about this struggle --- I don't like to use the word "war" --- think of it as just one part of large, much larger picture! We all have our ups and downs in life, and it behooves you to try and find the appropriate way of dealing with Hiv since it is, unfortunately, a reality in your world just as much as it is in mine. 
Be well, sweetheart, and do your best to enjoy your precious time in beautiful Madrid.

Love,
Val
___
___
P.S. I would love to join you and Juan, but am off to Dusseldorf and Berlin next week on a spiritual trip!

[DanielMark]

Alex,

Thank you for sharing your honest heart this way. I found your poem disturbing and heartbreaking at the same time.

It's a mind game, I know
How can I play, if I have already lost?
If I am condemned to resist, a battle that I cannot win
It's better to surrender, and this is it

What you are feeling and thinking is perfectly normal for someone just recently diagnosed (two months ago if I'm not mistaken). Nothing is “already lost” (even if it feels like it) – your life has just changed in major ways. If you take care of your overall health and don’t abuse your body you will undoubtedly live a long life. Yes, everyone dies, but no one knows 100% for sure how.

Easier to say than do, but try not to push back too much. It will only make you tired. In other words, try to go on with your life and let go of the negative self-cursing thoughts when they come. Go easy on yourself. You are not alone. Life can still be good.

Daniel

[penguin]

Alex,

Life, it is proper pants some times.

On such days, it is entirely appropriate to be sad, beyond sad even - for things past, and unchangeable,the emptiness, your self.

And then it recedes, n you pick yourself up - enjoy the feel of a new jumper, perfect a play list, crunch through leaves, eat m&s custard straight from the tub - small, now things, which make the being here magic.

Somewhere, somewhere in between, you work out how to do it -  life, the long-term, acoustic, living version.

Big hug   
Kate

[blondbeauty]

Alex you should think you are young and have a bright future. Do you know who Irene Villa is? She is a young lady. At the age of 12 the terrorist band ETA put a bomb under her mother´s car. She lost both legs and fingers in both hands. Now the Spanish government is negotiating with the terrorist band giving the murderers, of more than 1000 people, what they want. In Spain murdereres get what they want. Victims as Irene are being treated as criminals even though they are only victims. The government talks about peace. But the truth is there has never been a war: there were only murderers and victims like her, but they want us to forget them. Those victims are really lonely today.
I prefer to have HIV than being victim of a terrorist attack like her. Now she is a girl full of courage. When there is optimism the barriers disappear.
See these links:

http://clientes.vianetworks.es/personal/angelberto/irene.htm

http://www.minutodigital.com/noticias/irenevilla.htm

http://aula.el-mundo.es/aula/noticia.php/2005/01/12/aula1105464994.html

http://www.elmundo.es/suplementos/cronica/2006/553/1149372013.html

http://www.humanizar.es/formacion/revista/2005/jul_ago/entrevista_002.html

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[Life]

Alex you are very gifted...  If you can write so eloquently about the "sad and lonely side" I cant wait to read the page when you turn the corner!  You will sweetie..

Love,

[wellington]

I just wanna give you a good spankin, that you'll enjoy

I'd be surprised if the suicide hotline did not send me a christmas card this year. Then again, they don't know my address. I hear you loud and clear though. The doldrums are no place to hang out, for long.

I'm going to be near Orlando for Christmas if you want to draw outlines of naked bodies in the sand for the tourists to stand agog over *evil grin*

Life's way to short for us to be considered victims, or useless, or anything else downtrodden. Carpe diem.

[ndrew]

Alex,

Be sad and then come out of your mind.  Writing sure can help with the painful oozing...

Do things, take different kinds of action.  You are not to be victimized by your emotions.  (We have other people's for that, jk...)  However, you are some much more than feeling blue...

4U,
Drew

[Eldon]

Hey Alex,

There is magic in writting. It is quite therapeutic. There is nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. But I want you to know one thing...YOU ARE NOT ALONE. We are all here to give you the support you need on this roller coaster ride we call life.

There are brighter days ahead of you!


Make the BEST of each Day!

[anniebc]

Dear Alex

Just something from my collection of poems...I hope you are feeling a little better..you are surrounded with love.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

We can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts,
or fears. But we can listen to you, and together we will
search for answers.

We can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with its untold stories.
But we can be there now when you need us to care.

We can't keep your feet from stumbling.
We can only offer our hands that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your decisions in life are not ours to make, nor to judge;
We can only support you, encourage you,
and help you when you ask.

We can't give you boundaries but we can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself.

We can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But we can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

We can't tell you who you are.
We can only love you and be your friend.

Hugs
Jan