POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: Disturbed on June 19, 2013, 04:33:11 am
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For the first time since I was diagnosed one and half years ago, I am starting to feel really good, physically and mentally. I don't know why, but I am starting to think that it is still possible to live 100% happy even with HIV. OK, probably I won't live 80 years, but who cares... for now I am feeling good and happy with my life.
Except with sex. Probably sex will never be the same and I'm sure I will suffer rejection when I disclose my status. I am still young and good looking and I used to have a active sexual life with multiple partners, and I don't want to think that this is over because for me sex is one of the most wonderful things in life. I am quite independent person and I have never been much into relationships, but maybe it's time to change my mind? I have been over one year without sex and without any interest, but now I am starting to feel really good again and the desire is coming back.
So I registered in a couple of transgender dating sites to do an experiment: in one of them I disclose my status, in the other one not. In the first one I am glad to see that there are some people who still feel interest in my even with HIV, not so many, but I also get many supportive messages. Mostly from people looking for serious relationship, but even one of them was OK for only sex. But that few ones who I really like, they were not OK with my status, only friendship and nothing more...
Then in the other one I get many more messages, and many just for sex. So I could get lot of fun if I don't disclose my status. But I am not sure if it's right or not, legally speaking here is OK but morally I don't know. Of course I will always use protection. I still didn't meet anyone and I still don't know what to do, I really like some of them but I am so scared that if I say something about HIV they will stop talking to me! (that already happens to me).
So I am a bit confused about how is going to be my sexual life from now... probably the best is if I could find my special one who can accept and love me, but meanwhile I still want to have some responsible fun! Is that still OK or I am expecting too much from a life with HIV?
How much did HIV change your sex life?
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If you are on meds, undetectable and use protection I see no merit in disclosure if you are after a bit of fun.
But, for more, yes, well, meds or no, condoms or no, the question arises. Which leads to: the above might lead to more....
In my experience the internet is rarely rewarding in terms of LTRs but well populated by weirdos with warped moral reasoning (or perhaps, on occasions, other assets that are statistically speaking outliers).
Getting an HIV diagnosis didn't change my sex life, but I was in a relationship with a positive bloke at the time.
- matt
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If you are on meds, undetectable and use protection I see no merit in disclosure if you are after a bit of fun.
I really disagree with this. I'm sure you're not concerned what *I* think, but my point is that this is a really big deal to some people. If I were going to sleep with someone, I would prefer they told me if they had any sexually transmittable disease from syphilis to crabs to HIV. Then I could make an informed choice about whether or not I wanted to take that chance at that time. Keeping this information secret not only turns it into a 'dirty little secret' that can come back to haunt you, it also robs your partner of the freedom to choose what risks he or she wants to take. Imagine that you're still negative. Would you want someone to do this to you? HIV was never a deterrent for me personally, but I got to make that choice for myself (usually).
Besides, there are plenty of people who don't mind sleeping with a positive person, and there are some who prefer it. I've never been hit up for sex as much as I was after I seroconverted, and I'm not even "good looking", as you put it. There's no need to trick someone into sleeping with you based on incomplete information when there are so many willing people around.
Like it or not, you are HIV+. That's part of the package. Why fight who you are?
/end rant
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So I registered in a couple of transgender dating sites to do an experiment: in one of them I disclose my status, in the other one not. In the first one I am glad to see that there are some people who still feel interest in my even with HIV, not so many, but I also get many supportive messages. Mostly from people looking for serious relationship, but even one of them was OK for only sex. But that few ones who I really like, they were not OK with my status, only friendship and nothing more...
This is rather a tangential question. I'm just wondering why you mentioned that your registered with transgender dating sites... Is something about this adding to complexities of your considerations about sex and disclosure? Sorry, not that you need to answer, obviously.
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In the USA people can and are prosecuted for not revealing his/her status, even if there was no transmission involved. Even if there was no CHANCE of infection because the intimacy wasn't unprotected penetrative sex.
All it takes is one jilted/vengeful/spiteful person to, for example, Google you or otherwise discover your status and start a process which, even if you end up exonerated, will ruin you socially and financially.
There is no more juicier bit of gossip, and as big as the world/your city is, it can be mighty mighty small.
I am aedently against criminalization, but I think it's very important that you know about these laws. Research your state's statutes so that YOU can have the information you need to make an informed decision.
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If you are on meds, undetectable and use protection I see no merit in disclosure if you are after a bit of fun.
Someone disgarees, how come?
How is this a risk? And how is disclosure interesting for ships that pass? << my point about more than 1 night notwithstanding... <<< and the stupid laws of many Sates notwithstanding, which is good to understand, but ships that pass vs the law vs no risk vs a good time for a short time on both sides....
- matt
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This is rather a tangential question. I'm just wondering why you mentioned that your registered with transgender dating sites... Is something about this adding to complexities of your considerations about sex and disclosure? Sorry, not that you need to answer, obviously.
No, not really, only that I think that it is much more difficult to date with a trans woman than with a gay man or even a woman, there are not so many... but my considerations about disclosure would be the same for all genders.
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I think it's very important that you know about these laws. Research your state's statutes so that YOU can have the information you need to make an informed decision.
Yes, I know that the laws in USA are really hard, but here in England as far as I know you can only get prosecuted if you actually infect someone.
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Yes, I know that the laws in USA are really hard, but here in England as far as I know you can only get prosecuted if you actually infect someone.
In this case your dilemna, if you have one, is purely moral/ethical and not legal. It really is up to you and your conscience.
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but my considerations about disclosure would be the same for all genders.
Yep, obviously.
I guess if your desired partner will be transgender, I dunno, transgender people have a lot of self-knowledge and power in their centre, have their feet on the ground, and may deal matter of factly with a disclosure such as yours, without playing games or not understanding their own thoughts and feelings. So I'd say just put it out there pretty quickly.
I haven't found gay guys to be consistently great responders to an HIV disclosure.
All that being said, I put "no, I'm sorry, I'm not interested" to be a good response. Its clear and to the point. Its the cloudy responses that can get to you....
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I haven't found gay guys to be consistently great responders to an HIV disclosure.
No kidding :)
Personally, I find if you are 'dating' ie have an eye on 'more than' you need to disclose sooner rather than later, if just for practical reasons that this will have to be done in a LTR (or even a potential LTR) and you might as well save time (for life is short, HIV or no HIV).
Online, however, I find (ok, found) people's ethics/sense of courtesy go out the window, and also they lie about how okay/not okay they are about things. But also, sometimes, I was surprised at people's okayness with HIV.
Do you wanna be with someone who isn't cool with all you having HIV? there's only one way to find out if they are cool with it or not.
- matt
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Do you wanna be with someone who isn't cool with all you having HIV? there's only one way to find out if they are cool with it or not.
Yeah, and how nice it is (would be) if someone you liked said "so, what?" when you told them. It happens. ;) Did I ever mention that a guy I had liked for like 6 years from afar asked me out on a date, like, 2 weeks after my diagnosis? I told him I couldn't and why, and he said he didn't care without missing a beat. I replied that I cared, so no, thanks. Were I asked now, I might (might) have a different answer, but things happen when they happen, and then they've already happened.
Obviously, people in some situations can't disclose (rural? family troubles? school? work?), and that sucks. But each time one of us who can disclose does disclose, it makes it that much easier for everybody else to come out (I knew this this felt familiar, lol).
I know it sucks for you at the time, but if you tell a guy and he freaks out, he might not freak out as much the next time someone discloses. We become normal.
Sorry for the hijack, Disturbed, but I guess these are points to consider, and jkinatl2, as usual, is right that it's a personal decision. It's so much more fun to moralize, though. ;) I hope you have good luck with this whatever you do. :)