I need help and a big hug

[poz1970]

hi

Not sure which forum to put this in, because its relationship issues/mental health, and I'm sorry if its a bit disjointed, i'm a little scatter brained at the moment.

Been in a poz/neg relationship for about 10 years (off and on, only a break of a few years near the beginning).

Before I was diagnosed, when we weren't together, I believe I may have 'exposed' 5-6 people to the virus, no idea if any of them ended up getting it or anything.  This is part of my issue that I am terrified of infecting another person.. So our sex life these days is basically just me giving him handjobs. (PEP nearly killed him, as he has a bad heart, and I don't want to take the chance)

I've given him my blessing to have a fuckbuddy (and he's given me his blessing to have a poz fuckbuddy).. I've met his fuckbuddy, and he's a lovely guy... Our ground rules were that he wasn't to get emotionally attached.. The problem that I've had lately is that he has been describing himself as 'having two husbands', and I've let it slide for quite a while, until last night, when he went to his fuck buddy's parents house for dinner (I'd had a hell of a depressing day, and just needed to speak to someone, and basically he's the only one I have to talk to, as I'm very isolated here at home.

Tonight, when he's come over, I've outlined my problem is that he's describing his FB as his 'other husband', which has me feeling replaced and isolated.

We've talked about our lack of sex life, and I've outlined that I still have alot of guilt about the people that I might have exposed to the virus before I was diagnosed.. his question was how many people did I expose, and when I've told him.. he's said "so you've murdered 5-6 people?!?!?"

I honestly have no idea if any of the people that I exposed ever ended up seroconverting, but it plays a very large part of my depression..


I'm just totally lost at the moment, and need someone to be a shoulder to cry on, as I think I'm single, but I'm not sure.. I need a hug


Jim

[Texan38]

Oh Jim,

That was a horrible statement your boyfriend made to you. You had sex with these 5-6 people before you were diagnosed. I can tell it's been weighing heavy on your heart. You don't know if they became positive or even if they were already positive. You'll never know so please don't beat yourself up over the fact.

The good thing is, you're going to discuss describing his FB as his 'other husband' tonight but you should also bring up how that statement made you feel.

In my opinion, no one takes a FB to have dinner at his parents house...a BF does that. Sounds to me like he has found someone else and is trying to hurt you emotionally to push you away. Talk to him.

<<HUGS>>

Good Luck tonight. Please keep us posted.

[David_CA]

Hi Jim,

I'd give you a big ole hug if I were closer to you (and probably a bit more, too!  ). 

There seem to be several symptoms going on there and one root cause - guilt.  Like you, I probably exposed several people prior to my diagnosis.  I had no real reason to think I might have been HIV+, as I had not done anything that I thought was extremely risky.  I don't so much think of myself as the bad guy here, but I do feel bad that I possibly exposed these people.  I do feel completely responsible for one infection - my own.  As to infecting your partner, you know the statistics, facts, etc on safe(r) sex.  You also know that the risk of transmission is much less when on HAART (according to that Swiss study).  Until you can deal with the guilt and move past that, I don't see your sex life with your partner being 'normal'.  I wonder if there's anything you can do to treat the cause - guilt - instead of the symptoms here (counseling, etc).

I really don't know what to tell you about the situation with your partner and his 'other' husband.  To me, that he would even call him that is a problem.  My hubby and I also have FB's, but they're generally mutual.  Maybe it's time for him to drop that particular FB and for you guys to renegotiate the rules.  Perhaps a FB for the two of you, as in a three-way, would be safer for your relationship.  Even if the other partner is negative, there's a lot that you could be involved in that would put neither of them at risk - a blow job or hand job... hell just being present would help keep his relationship with the other guy only physical (assuming that you are always present and participating in some form).  An HIV+ FB could take care of you while your partner plays along safely.  You and your partner could have several FB's - some HIV+ and some HIV-.

Honestly, though, if you and your partner are that concerned for your partner's safety, shouldn't he be playing safely with everybody and not just you?  Medical professionals are supposed to always practice universal precautions... shouldn't HIV- folks when they have sex?

David

[Cliff]

I agree with David.  You two had ground rules established and he broke them.  You need to renegotiate the rules or reassert them somehow.  You also need to be clear to him how the choice of his words (murder) was extremely hurtful to you.  Does he think you are going to die?  Murder requires a death!  Perhaps finding out where his head is with regards to your status would be helpful.  Does he have someone to talk to about it?

May I also suggest counseling/therapy for you.  I think being able to talk to a professional about your guilty feelings could help you tremendously.  You need not be afraid to have sex (full sex) with your boyfriend or anyone else for that matter.

Consider yourself hugged mister!

[Miss Philicia]

First off -- here's a big ole hug:  ~~~HUG~~~

Second, several thoughts:

a) The most important thing is YOU, and you have some very, very major issues with this pre-occupation of something you have no control over, namely the pre-diagnosis infection thingie.  You've allowed this to fester it seems and that's not healthy mentally, and it's seeped into your relationship (though frankly what your partner said to you is not excusable).  Have you ever sought one-on-one therapy for this issue?  If not, why not?

b) while I agree with Cliff that the ground rules as established were broken, I have to add that the ground rules sucked from the get-go if you wished to avoid this situation.  Telling a partner to not have emotional responses to a fuck buddy, one that he's allowed repeated dalliances with, is not a realistic request.  If you both had wished to avoid this trap you'd have stipulated that a fuck buddy not ever be revisited -- only one offs.  Yeah, that's more work for your partner but it's the only way to do this -- trust!  I've been there.

3) the bottom line though is that, IMHO, both you and your partner haven't addressed the base reason for all of this no-sex stuff.  I'm sorry, but this isn't healthy for either of you and makes me question whether this relationship is going to work for either of you.  Again, it's YOUR sanity I'm concerned with, as you're the poz one and have enough shit on your plate.  There is no reason that you can't have sex together, unless you have issues using condoms together.  None.  And some may take issue in the thread with my being blunt, but in light of your partners atrocious comeback about murdering people I think he's got some major issue with HIV people, though he'd deny it to the cows come home.

But here's the bottom line: you're miserable.  Life is too short to be miserable, and definitely too short to be stuck in a non-sexually fulfilling miserable relationship with someone that thinks you're a murderer.

[dixieman]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles... sometimes its just best to look at it from a distance... like someone else observing whats happening... for the record I would suggest to move on... in my own personal life I chose this option... not easy but, best in the long run... sincerely, John

[mjmel]

Here's a BIG HUG for you.
Advice: well, you've already had some really good stuff written to you.
One Comment: If anyone ever spoke to me what your BF told you they'd be forgotten quickly. Don't take that crap from anyone.

Mike

[poz1970]

I just got off the phone with him, and I told him that I cannot be in a relationship with someone that considers me a murderer, so "its over"... the call lasted a minute and a bit, and he didn't seem upset at all, I've given him his exit, so he can go on and have a life... me on the other hand, I'm more than a bit teary and upset.

J

[jampdx]

I'm very sorry to hear this.  What an emotional earthquake.  I'm not really quite sure what to say except time heals (almost) all.  I'm glad you reached out for support.  Please know I'll always listen if you need someone. 

[Ann]

(((((J)))))

You did the right thing. You cannot have a healthy relationship with someone who considers you a murderer - you are NOT a murderer!

Hang in there mate, and don't look at it from the perspective that you've set HIM free - you've set YOURSELF free.

Hugs,
Ann

[mjmel]

Hallelujah! Good for you!
You are hurting now ........I feel for ya. It's difficult.
ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE....you have just open a window to possibilities.

Mike
(who still wants to rip the shorts off you each and every time I glance at your avatar.)

[David_CA]

Hallelujah! Good for you!
You are hurting now ........I feel for ya. It's difficult.
ON THE BRIGHTER SIDE....you have just open a window to possibilities.

Mike
(who still wants to rip the shorts off you each and every time I glance at your avatar.)

Amen to that!   

[sharkdiver]

Good for you and standing up for yourself!

big ole hugs to ya

[Miss Philicia]

I just got off the phone with him, and I told him that I cannot be in a relationship with someone that considers me a murderer, so "its over"... the call lasted a minute and a bit, and he didn't seem upset at all, I've given him his exit, so he can go on and have a life... me on the other hand, I'm more than a bit teary and upset.

J

I totally think that, in the long run, you'll see that you made the correct decision.  Sucks right now for you though, assuredly.  But I hope this will bring you some emotional stability in the week's and month's ahead, and as always we are here to listen.

~hug~

David

[mecch]

I just got off the phone with him, and I told him that I cannot be in a relationship with someone that considers me a murderer, so "its over"... the call lasted a minute and a bit, and he didn't seem upset at all, I've given him his exit, so he can go on and have a life... me on the other hand, I'm more than a bit teary and upset.

J

Oh my, my heart goes out to you.  Rally your friends around you and get support.

I agree with most others here - your BF had no right to call you a murderer. How awful. Good riddance to him.  You need to concentrate on you, and getting ready for the next relationship where you have a good sex life.  Seems like that is a big task and there was too much baggage with this bf. 

Put this person behind you. He broke the rules. Maybe its only human to have a feeling for a regular lover, but if it was against the rules, and he broke them. His comments meant that the relationship was done for him. Also that he didn't mind abusing you.  Ah isnt this too true, you were the one putting more into it, and you were the one who had to break it off, maybe even breaking your heart.  Damn. But frankly my dear, he sounds like a cad.

[aztecan]

Hey Jim,

I rarely comment on threads discussing relationships because I am not very good at those sorts of things.

But, after reading what he said to you, which I consider unconscionable, I can only say you made the correct step in ridding your life of him.

As others said, it really hurts right now, but, in the long run, I think you will find there are plenty of guys out there who will be more than happy to spend time with you, and undoubtedly more.

HUGS,

Mark

[joemutt]

The healing will hurt but it will hurt less than the wound did.

[poz1970]

He phoned this morning, and he's coming around with the kids.. he is standing true to his promise of getting me a new kitten!!!!!! (I'm extremely excited about now !! :-D - there will be photos within a day or so :-D


J

[mecch]

Ah, could you fill us in a bit on the background, those of us new to the story.
What kids?
Also, I thought you broke up with him. 
Are you excited to see the kids, the kitten, or him? Or all the above?
If you plan to stick to your self respect and stay broken up, then some distance is required at the beginning of the split.  Otherwise you or he will just get confused and manipulate each other.
I dunno, I highly doubt you can go from 10 year relationship to cool buddies instantly. Be careful man.

[poz1970]

Ah, could you fill us in a bit on the background, those of us new to the story.
What kids?
Also, I thought you broke up with him. 
Are you excited to see the kids, the kitten, or him? Or all the above?
If you plan to stick to your self respect and stay broken up, then some distance is required at the beginning of the split.  Otherwise you or he will just get confused and manipulate each other.
I dunno, I highly doubt you can go from 10 year relationship to cool buddies instantly. Be careful man.

He's a divorced father of 2, which he only gets to see fortnightly.. The kids are now teenagers, but have called my dad as well for the past 10 years :-) . . for the past few years I've done the dad thing with them whenever I can (generally over msn) helping with homework, playing games, etc etc

I'm excited about my new kitten!! (as soon as I manage to get one of the images to load in cs3, I'll be able to upload some photos :-D

I won't have any/extremely little contact with him now for a few weeks (as we agreed).. but he has said he wants weekly photos of the kitten :-D (He promised me that he would get me a new kitten about a month ago, so thats' why it was important that he stuck to his word for him, as I'd really had my heart set on it.. Life has been very lonely and depressing since my furry little partner of the last 20 years passed away last year, mid november...

Her name is Tigger, and she's a cutey :-D (I will post pictures in offtopic)

J

[mecch]

Ah, thanks for the clarification.
Kitten sounds cool.
You could have gotten one yourself, you don't need the ex. Honoring his promise of a gift of a kitten is small compensation after calling you a murderer. I'd say its a form of f-ing with your mind.

The kids, however, that changes the situation. As you have your own relationship with them.  So how does that relationship change now that you aren't with their father?  This is delicate and will take some honest communication.  Keeping something with them, means keeping something with the ex.

Its a very fresh wound, the break up, but it seemed to many of us readers that the breakup was necessary because the ex lost respect for you and that was a rather long-term experience. 

Maybe you are the forgiving type, I hope so, but you don't have to rush into forgiveness of the ex just to be able to see the kids.  They aren't going anyway. They'll still be around after you get some distance from the ex.

Pretty complicated situation. Before you find a new way with the ex FAMILY, then, talk this over with your friends to be sure of your feelings and test your strategy.  Good luck.

MODIFIED - Well I was thinking some more about your description of the relation in your first post. It has some similarities to my last relationship, so obviously that's contributing to my advice. 

Has anyone told you, or do you realise yourself, that its human and appropriate to be angry at your ex. ?  Besides the loss and pain and compassion one feels during or after split. He really was a cad, in my opinion at least.

Secondly, since he called you a murderer, and you yourself feel "guilty" about being some kind of accidental Typhoid Mary (remember - she didn't at first know she was contagious!) - HIV infection and HIV epidemiology seems to be the skeleton in the closet for the both of you.  You need to resolve this for yourself, for your mental health sexuality and mental health.  Later on if this guy becomes a friend you can help him overcome his own grossness. 

Coming to terms with HIV infection is pretty damn complicated, challenges everyone, doesn't it?

Pema Chodron tells this story about the Dalai Lama. And old monk comes to see the Dalai Lama to say he wants to start some kind of intense physical activity this is some sort of spritual act. The Dalai Lama advises the old monk against it, saying he's too old for that sort of thing. The monk leaves and then commits suicide - the reason is then the spirit comes back and can do the activity.  The Dalai Lama feels bad, guilt as it were.  Someone listening to the Dalai Lama asks him, Oh my, you must have felt really terrible about that. How did you get over it?  And the Dalai Lama thinks for a long time and says he never did. The guilt is still there.   

I kind of understood the point being that the Dalai Lama is still a happy guy and fully functioning.  Maybe we have to accept that we can't really erase bad feelings or questionable actions, just accept them, compartmentalise them somehow, maybe atone or make amends if possible, but basically go on our merry way.

[jampdx]

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree, you can get your own cat.  I'm sure he's cute, but weekly pictures? If you're going to stay together, I guess it's different dynamics, but after breaking up...... hmmm.....

[WillyWump]

This guy called you a murderer and now in your mind everything is ok since he is following through on his promise to get you a kitten?? ....REally?

This screams of mind games! Please stop and take control of your life starting now!

YOU can go to the local pound and find the kitten that is jsut right for you, one that needs you just as much as you need it.

YOU can tell this guy that based on everything thats happened you feel it would be best not to see him for awhile. Period. Has he even attempted to apologize for the murderer remark? Not that it would solve anything but still....

YOU can ask him that based on your 10 year relationship with the kids you would like to continue helping them with their homework, etc... over MSN.  If he is the type of person that you want to be with, caring, compassionate, understanding he will say yes. If he is vengeful and spiteful he will say no and bar you from having any contact with them...which will be further eveidence of his snakiness and incompatability with you.

Im not trying to trivialize the previous 10 years youve had with him, but seriously it sounds like its time for a change...There IS someone out there that will treat you like a king/queen. much better than this guy.


Hugs
Will

[Miss Philicia]

Yeah, the "kitten" thing means your ex isn't planning on going anywhere.  Your quick excitement indicates that you don't really want him to either.  His kids are just a distraction.

By the way, the heart of the issue is still your unresolved issues with your thinking you "murdered" others pre-diagnosis, not just your ex's.  I see no where in your replies to what other expressed about that topic where you've indicated a willingness to seek some counseling on this.