Author Topic: I'm Disclosing to My Mom - UPDATE (Read 9976 times)

woodshere · « **on:** October 29, 2007, 10:12:58 am »

Well, I just returned from a 4 day visit with my mom. Besides taking care of the to do list she had made for me, I had decided before going home to tell her I was HIV+. I spent most of the visit trying to find the right time, between cleaning out the basement, painting the front door, putting up curtains and putting up the Christmas tree (she likes to get a head start) I really couldn't find the right time. Then I realized there isn't an opportune time to disclose to one's mom. So Saturday afternoon I told her we needed to talk. I made a couple of introductory remarks and then calmly said, "In March, 2006 I found out I am HIV+". As predicted the first thing she said was "Ronnie Woods" and then she began to cry. It was the first time I have felt guilty for being poz, because I saw how sad and worried she was. She really was caught off guard and was somewhat numb. I explained CD4 count and viral load, talked about my meds and told her I was really doing well. I asked if she had any questions she responded that she really didn't know what to ask. So I went through all the labs and charts I had, told her what the past year has been like, talked about finances and anything else I could think of to avoid silence. She said that she was sorry that I had been going through this without her. I explained how hard it was to tell her and that I had struggled with disclosure for some time. We talked for a couple of hours. I apologized for putting her through this and she said that I didn't have to apologized or feel guilty. She said she had failed as a mother, I assured her that she had not. The reason I have handled everything so well was because of the way she has lived her life. I made her promise that if I played the AIDS victim card she would call me on it and that she would still get mad at me and yell at me. She laughed and said that wouldn't be a problem. I knew things were going to be ok when she said through her tears that she shouldn't have spent that $120 at Wal-Mart (sorry Auntie) and given it to me. We exchanged hugs, wiped our eyes, powdered our noses and went to the Burger House for supper.

This was one of the most difficult things I have had to due perhaps in my entire life. But I am so glad I did it. I feel sorry for her that she really has no support system for this right now. I am going to send a couple of web sites to check out. A counselor from my church had a son that passed away due to HIV and she said she would be glad to talk with my mom. I am sure there will be difficult times ahead and she will get mad at me but in the end she is there for me.

Two more things:
First, often times people ask the question, "When should I disclose to family and friends?". I think the answer is when the time is right. There is no rule or set time, it is an individual decision and you will know when it is time. And when that time comes, I don't believe there is an opportune time. You just have to say now is the time.

Second, there is another thread going on currently that talks about what is going on here and how bad things have gotten on the forums. Let me say this, had it not been for the support and encouragement that I received in my thread last week about deciding to disclose I feel certain that I would not have done it. Thanks to each of you for your kind words.

Woods

Nygurl225 · « **Reply #1 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:37:43 am »

I am still struggling with the disclosure issue. I have not disclosed to anyone yet. I'm so glad it went well for you. You must feel as if a huge burden has been lifted. This is def a step in a positive direction for yourself and your mother. I'm sure she will be ok. She prob just has to go through the same process we all do when we get information like this. Being a mother myself I can honestly say that your childrens pain often hurts you more then it hurts them. As a mother I'm sure she is struggling with the fact that this is one situation that she can't just take away or make all better. That is the worst part of being a parent, watching something hurt your child and having no control.

I wish the best for both of you on this journey!!

As far as the forums, being newly diagnosed I must agree with you. These forums have offered me so much hope, insight and support over the past few days. They are def a God sent!

emeraldize · « **Reply #2 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:44:54 am »

Woods,

Congratulations. I've been waiting to read of your disclosure. Your mom sounds like a great woman and you paid her the highest compliment by acknowledging her as the example and source of your strength that allowed you to steel yourself.

I thought back to my disclosure. You ate afterward. I made sure we ate before as I wasn't sure how it would go for my gut. I'd brought steaks, the works and fixed dinner (this was on my birthday, no less). Like your mom, she, too, said why did you wait so long? No tears though.

She said something interesting. Summarized: You notice I didn't cry. There's a reason for that. I've reached the age where I've cried all the major cries and can handle news like this without tears.

I have never regretted telling her. Our relationship is better for it. I'm glad you have the internal relief and informed maternal support that makes navigating so much easier.

She's got her Christmas tree up already? Amazing.

Em

bear60 · « **Reply #3 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:53:18 am »

Congratulations Woods.
Your Mom sounds a lot like mine.

komnaes · « **Reply #4 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:01:01 am »

I feel so happy for you Woods.

Sometimes I wonder if it's still the stigma and all those horrific images of dying patients that make it hard for us to tell others and for the others to accept the fact that a loved one is battling the virus. I wonder if I would have been more forthcoming if I had, say, leukemia, and could expect people's sympathy and supports instantly.

I was so close to telling my brother last night in a relative's wedding, but I halted and told him instead to call me up for lunch soon when he's less busy and in town (he travels more than I do). He probably already suspected something was wrong as I had to call him the week after my diagnosis to ask for his ID number and other details so I could update my family members' information on my life insurance.

Anyhow, I wish you the best Woods,

Shaun

(who's feeling a bit morose while listening to some wimpy music, currently Christopher Cross' "Think of Laura....

)

Modified to add this, can't help it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5RcUO0PPE7c

"You and me against the world"

livingpositively · « **Reply #5 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:08:52 am »

Woods,

Glad to hear to things went well for you in your disclosure.

I would have to agree that there is no right time to tell your mom. I had the same struggle during a visit, having decided that during the visit was when I would disclose to my mom. Once you decide, you just have to do it. There is no good segue into it. As you did, I had a lot of information ready to tell my mom, which I think was very benficial.

Your mom sounds like a great lady and I'm sure she appreciates the confidence you put in her to tell her your news.

Shane

keyite · « **Reply #6 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:19:56 am »

The inkling from your original thread was that it would probably go okay. I'm so glad to hear it really did. Got quite emotional reading about it.

Something tells me my parents will be able to cope too, but like Shaun, I think it's the horrific images from the 80s and early 90s that makes it so difficult. I know my mom in particular will struggle to shake them off. A friend of mine came out at the same time as me and he died of AIDS when we were both in our early 20s. My mom knew him well and I know it made a big impression on her. Throughout my 20s she was so fearful I'd end up positive. I'm now 41 and I guess she just assumes I'm now 'out of danger'.

Like for you, telling them will be one of the hardest things I'll ever have to do...

northernguy · « **Reply #7 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:35:47 am »

I'm glad things went well, and you and your mum can now support each other through this.

Peter6836 · « **Reply #8 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:51:11 am »

I am so glad that things went well for you. I am sure you will now be able to relish in your mothers support. I know that since I have told my parents I have found that each moment we spend together is more of a blessing than ever and I think they feel the same way. It is a shame that something like HIV makes us understand that more but it does. Your a brave man Ronnie Woods. Peace to you and your family.
Peter

pozattitude · « **Reply #9 on:** October 29, 2007, 11:51:50 am »

Congrats Woods,

I know how hard it is to tell the people you love the most about being HIV positive because you don't want to cause them any pain.
I'm sure you feel lighter, like a huge burden has been lifted of your shoulders. From my personal experience I can say that I am very glad I came out about being positive. I always felt guilty about "lying" about my HIV status to my family, and now I don't carry this guilt and shame around anymore.

I AM SO PROUD OF YOU !!!!!

give you mom a big hug and a kiss for me, she sounds just like my mom did when I first told her about me and HIV...Gosh, gotta love those ladies!!!!!

Rich

Dragonette · « **Reply #10 on:** October 29, 2007, 12:19:13 pm »

It's great to hear that it went so well and it was such a relief. It's good in a way that she cried and said that she failed as a mom and all that, b/c you are able to deal with it. I suspect that my mom thinks these things but doesn't want to say it, the worst things are the things unsaid. Once it's out in the open you can both deal with it. And what an amazing relationship it sounds like the two of you have.

thunter34 · « **Reply #11 on:** October 29, 2007, 12:39:48 pm »

beautiful thread, woods. congratulations on having it all go so well.

allanq · « **Reply #12 on:** October 29, 2007, 12:53:43 pm »

Hi Woods,

I'm so glad that everything went so well with your disclosure to your mom. She sounds like a wonderful person.

Allan

Dachshund · « **Reply #13 on:** October 29, 2007, 12:55:14 pm »

Now that you got that out of the way we will work on getting your mom to vote a strict Democratic ticket and unionizing your local WalMart.

Woods I could not be happier for you and it certainly sounds like the apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

Aunty D

woodshere · « **Reply #14 on:** October 29, 2007, 01:24:23 pm »

Thanks to each of you for your kind responses. My mom and I have a great relationship. The only problem is we have too much in common especially our taste in men, we don't find very good ones.

And Aunty D the only time my mom ever votes Republican is when my dad runs for office and she can vote against him!!!

marc11864 · « **Reply #15 on:** October 29, 2007, 02:55:13 pm »

Quote from: woodshere on October 29, 2007, 01:24:23 pm

... The only problem is we have too much in common especially our taste in men, we don't find very good ones...

BOY can I relate to this relationship!

Hopefully these last couple of years of relationship "downtime" have helped rehabilitate my "taste".

MOONLIGHT1114 · « **Reply #16 on:** October 29, 2007, 03:09:50 pm »

Hi Woods~

I'm glad to hear that you've disclosed to your mother and that she is supportive of you. For me, I waited so long to disclose to family because I felt like I had to protect them, and not lay my burden on them. The biggest fear for me has always been another person's reaction after getting the news. Most of the time they immediately think the world is coming to an end because of the stigma that's out there, and I spend hours educating them and telling them its just not that way with me. I feel that its through disclosure and promoting awareness that we can really show others that we have a chance to live our lives.

I am so glad your mother is in your corner and that you went to get your burgers for dinner together!

~ Cindy

Queen Tokelove · « **Reply #17 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:00:30 pm »

Woodsy---

Glad things went well with your Mom. Having the support of family is a good thing to have, trust me, I wish I had it. I think that is why I have bonded with so many here on the forums.

Suntropic98 · « **Reply #18 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:09:01 pm »

Quote from: Queen Akasha on October 29, 2007, 04:00:30 pm

Woodsy---

Glad things went well with your Mom. Having the support of family is a good thing to have, trust me, I wish I had it. I think that is why I have bonded with so many here on the forums.

Internet friends are like underwear. They're only around for awhile.

thunter34 · « **Reply #19 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:20:09 pm »

Quote from: Suntropic98 on October 29, 2007, 04:09:01 pm

Internet friends are like underwear. They're only around for awhile.

I've had some last for years and years, quite comfortably so. All it takes is proper care. The hardest part is getting rid of those annoying shit stains that can come along from time to time.

Suntropic98 · « **Reply #20 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:27:39 pm »

Quote from: thunter34 on October 29, 2007, 04:20:09 pm

I've had some last for years and years, quite comfortably so. All it takes is proper care. The hardest part is getting rid of those annoying shit stains that can come along from time to time.

I would not know about shit stains, I wipe pretty good.

structuredjen · « **Reply #21 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:30:55 pm »

Congrats woodshere! So happy to hear it went well.

That has to be a huge weight off your shoulders. I hope the benefit is worth 10 times the strength it took to have that conversation.

Kudos-
Jen

thunter34 · « **Reply #22 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:31:15 pm »

Quote from: Suntropic98 on October 29, 2007, 04:27:39 pm

I would not know about shit stains, I wipe pretty good.

well, congrats on being a world-class ass wipe.

(that's a joke...too easy to resist)

Suntropic98 · « **Reply #23 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:38:51 pm »

Quote from: thunter34 on October 29, 2007, 04:31:15 pm

well, congrats on being a world-class ass wipe.

(that's a joke...too easy to resist)

That made me laugh.

Miss Philicia · « **Reply #24 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:42:16 pm »

Congrats Woods. How was the Burger House?

Andy Velez · « **Reply #25 on:** October 29, 2007, 04:44:19 pm »

Guys, cool the hijacking here for wiseguy remarks.

Keep the focus on Woods' original subject which has nothing to do with asses, wiped or other.

anniebc · « **Reply #26 on:** October 29, 2007, 06:06:30 pm »

Hi woods

I'm glad things turned out well for you both, I know how hard that must have been on you and Mum...but like I said Mums are stronger than you think.

Love and hugs
Jan

AlanBama · « **Reply #27 on:** October 29, 2007, 06:46:36 pm »

You did the right thing Woods......glad it turned out well.

hugs, Alan

StrongGuy · « **Reply #28 on:** October 29, 2007, 07:26:41 pm »

Very happy it worked out well for you!

Andy Velez · « **Reply #29 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:05:59 pm »

And good for you, Woods. Glad you took care of yourself and did something that was an important load for you to get off of your back.

Cheers, buddy.

GSOgymrat · « **Reply #30 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:11:19 pm »

So glad your talk went well. That was a very brave thing.

Matty the Damned · « **Reply #31 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:14:03 pm »

Hey Woodsy,

Matty the Damned commented in your other thread earlier, wishing you well.

He now offers his congratulations.

MtD

aztecan · « **Reply #32 on:** October 29, 2007, 10:22:55 pm »

Hey Woods,

I could have sworn I commented in your earliar thread, but apparently didn't.

In any event, congrats on the way things turned out. Your mother sounds like a trooper.

HUGS,

Mark

Longislander · « **Reply #33 on:** October 30, 2007, 01:01:53 am »

Glad it went well for you , Woods. Now you two can concentrate on finding some good men.........

DanielMark · « **Reply #34 on:** October 30, 2007, 05:00:27 am »

Good for you, Woods!

My general approach to disclosure is that it's always better to be honest with those who are important in your life, no matter how difficult or not it may be. We have enough to carry without carrying it alone. I’m glad your mom will be there for you.

Daniel

BT65 · « **Reply #35 on:** October 30, 2007, 05:57:53 am »

Ron, I am so glad that things went well. It must be a huge load off of your mind. And now you have the added (and ever important) support of your mum. My mum supported me through everything that went along with having HIV, and I wish she were still here. Don't ever take your mum for granted. It sounds like she's a treasure.

woodshere · « **Reply #36 on:** October 30, 2007, 08:12:25 am »

To each of you who have responded, THANK YOU!!!! Your support, encouragement and kind words expressed about my mom are very much appreciated!!!

Woods

englishgirl · « **Reply #37 on:** October 30, 2007, 08:27:34 am »

hey woods
this is fab and a lovely story
congratulations, and your mom sounds lovely
lots of love
xxxx

David_CA · « **Reply #38 on:** October 30, 2007, 09:32:48 am »

Hi Woods,

I'm glad it worked out as you anticipated. My parents were also a bit upset that I felt I couldn't disclose to them earlier, but they understand why. Take care.

David

Morethan · « **Reply #39 on:** October 30, 2007, 10:11:26 am »

It is very interesting for me to read about your experience telling your mom about your status.

I couldn't do it. I figure that I was stupid enough to get myself in this situation, I have to be strong enough to deal with it. She has gone through enough pain in life plus that is her biggest fear. She saw two guys that worked for her died from it and it just made it worse.

I have relied on my friends for support and strength. It is good to hear that your mom is there for you.

srmn98 · « **Reply #40 on:** October 30, 2007, 10:26:45 am »

Woods,

Your post made me burst into tears ... but in a kind of inspirational way. Congrats on telling your family, and thank you for posting as it gives me hope for planning my own disclosure to my family.

S

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Author Topic: I'm Disclosing to My Mom - UPDATE (Read 9976 times)