POZ Community Forums
Main Forums => Living With HIV => Topic started by: StacheBC on May 08, 2007, 12:51:10 am
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Based on another thread.
I wonder how heterosexuals cope with being HIV, not the clinical side of being HIV. How do you get support?
One thing about being gay myself was that all my friends (most 40 and above), all of them lost someone they cared about to HIV/AIDS, they usually know several people that are HIV (if not themselves). So I found a lot of support with all my gay friends.
I'm not into bars, but if I went to a gay bar the chances of meeting someone there that is positive themselves is quite high... I don't think most straight bars, internet sites etc. the situation is the same. Not that there aren't challenges to poz gay males when it comes to dating but I don't think it compares to what straight people face, I could be wrong.
Do you get support from the /gay cummunity/ in your area? Are you seen as an /outsider/? Who gives you support?
Just the fact that I haven't told any Straight friends (that know I'm gay) that I'm poz, to me suggests that even I see a certain challenge about HIV in the heterosexual world. (maybe I'm the one with the challenge/mental block, not them).
How do you see it?
Thanks,
Mauricio.
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Heterosexual woman here. My network of support comprises my family, my friends and these forums. Can't speak for others, but I don't actually feel the need for anything else.
Although, I'm quite sure my HIV diagnosis came as more of a shock to many in my family/friends circles (as it did to me) than it maybe did to others here. Mainly, I think, because it was so unanticipated or even thought about.
I believe that one of the main problems with the HIV/AIDS pandemic is the fact that it is still not actually perceived by society on the whole as a pandemic.
On the large part, in Western society, HIV/AIDS is still viewed as a disease that, apart from those in Africa, affects mainly gay men, IV drug users and promiscuous folk. Until 4 years ago, that's what I still believed. And I consider myself educated. I think that that is one of the reasons that HIV+ heterosexual men and women often feel left out in the cold as far as support is concerned. I think one of the most important messages that still isn't being put out there enough is the fact that HIV does not discriminate.
I had no gay friends in my life until I was diagnosed positive. No particular reason why not, simply that I hadn't met any in the circles I moved in. Now, since being diagnosed, I probably have as many gay friends in my phone memory/email contacts as I do heterosexual. I know that there is nothing coincidental about that.
Admittedly, my main support as far as my HIV issues (apart from Ann here), comes from my gay friends, most of whom I've met through this website. When I want a general view on things I can turn to any one of them. When it's more woman specific I turn to Ann or one of the other female positive friends I've made here or the new Womens Forum.
I'm truly thankful for all my family and friends: male, female, younger, older, gay, straight, bisexual, online, offline, whatever. They all bring something of value to my life. It's why I choose them to be a part of my life.
Melia
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hello, thank you for your question
gotta say my experience is of being the odd one out. where i live in england (and i suspect elsewhere as well) it is as if there are no other white heterosexuals out there. in some ways i blame the fact that they are all hiding somewhere, but actually i wonder if there are any others out there! i think it's probably quite likely that people who are at risk think they are not because they are heterosexual, and i have spoken to doctors about not making this assumption too.
i can count the number of + white heterosexuals i know on one hand. i have met some wonderful + gay guys and i am so grateful for them for just being there, but although that they have been there as much as they can for me it is strange not having anyone 'like me' around. i had a conversation in a gay bar on saturday where a -ve gay guy asked me as i was straight why was i in there, and i replied that it was because i felt less of a minority in there as a + person, even tho i had no idea whether anyone else in the bar was + or not the cultural view of me in there was gonna be less that i was 'typhoid mary'. sadly tho even in that bar i think i am the only publicly + person some of those young guys know. and i think that the denial of this disease hitting all of us is getting worse among young gay guys as well as straight people.
i feel my sense of isolation getting worse... hiv support services in my area have just been awarded to the black health initiative (which is mainly a support network for refugees and asylum seekers) so i think that the chances of any new + white heterosexuals deciding to try to access services is greatly reduced. at a meeting recently i have never felt so isolated. it was a crazy situation where the room divided between gays and the token heteros, and the immigrants. basically every time we said anything we were accused of being racist. it was really upsetting and i felt like i never want to access any services ever again as i felt so victimised. and my gay friends felt the same.
there are so many of us with this thing with so many different needs that sometimes the limits on the support and funds becomes devisive. although i have never felt anything but welcome by the gay community i now fear a split in the uk along race lines. the needs of us who have jobs and health service are completely different from those who have real concerns that they will be deported or homeless or have language difficulties. unfortunately in that room it appeared that some thought there was not room for both of us. i'm not entirely sure why, but i would hazard a guess that it was thought by some that we (whites) had no problems compared to theirs. which is a shame because we should all be supporting each other.
the other thing about being hetero and + is that it is sooooo difficult to date. i disclose on a first date if i want a second date, but havent had much luck. also as i am 'out' to a lot of people it would take a brave person to go out with me knowing that others knew my status. that having been said, i wasnt exactly overrun with guys before my diagnosis so things havent changed that much! i havent had a long term relationship since my diagnosis and i am still unsure whether i want one, and if so with a + or a -. am just gonna wait and see what happened, cant say it rules my life.
so, apologies for a bit of a long-winded response to your question. in short, for me being hetero and + is maybe a bit more lonely in a big city in a social sense than being gay and + as it's harder to meet others, but if you have lots of lovely friends (which i do) then it is ok. i dont think that my experience is any more isolating than a lot of people have experienced being gay and + in a rural area. i do worry now though about those newly diagnosed or in denial. i dont think they know where to go where i live. hopefully they will find out about this wonderfult site!!
apologies again for the long answer
love
xxx
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I echo some of the above sentiments. As a white, heterosexual female, I feel as though I have few places where I can fit in with my status. Almost all of the support in my community is not only intended for a different demographic, but much of it is exclusive to those demographics.
I am fortunate to have found one female friend in my city that is also positive, and she helps me feel human even when it is just a text message or a quick phone call. Looking another woman in the eye really helps. I do not know any heterosexual men in person that are positive, except I suppose the cheater that passed this on to me.
But above all, online support has been my main source. And while I do not post a lot on these boards, I do read them daily.
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Positive white female here. I, too, have things in common with the previous posters. My family and friends are key in my support network although we don't talk that much about HIV--no need to as we're too busy with the things we've always enjoyed together.
I derive support from reading posts here and although I don't post much, I try to log on several times a week because there is always something new to learn. And, as a result of going to Montreal last year, I met a number of the members who are terrific people and have made me feel as if I have positive friends with whom I could discuss any related problems. So far, I've not required that, but I am relieved to know they are there.
I have, I think, reconciled myself to the notion that there may never be support from another partner in my life. I have had the uncomfortable disclosure/rejection experiences and because of my lifestyle, I don't meet that many men anyway. I don't drink, party or attend classes, etc. Nevertheless, I remain open, but realistic. It would be nice to create a friendship with a positive man, but that further winnows the criteria making it less likely than finding a negative person, I suspect.
Like englishgirl, I am out with many people, too, and would envision a positive or negative person having to be pretty confident to handle that setting. Also like englishgirl, my dance card was by no means full.
I am not involved in any +support group, but were I to find I needed that, I would seek it. I am very interested in living a full life---cognizant of my status, doing things to make that world a better place for myself and others who are positive, but also staying fully engaged in the non-positive world.
Support in the form of counseling; Tai Chi; acupuncture; gardening; painting and a good medical team has been most helpful, too---were it not for that host of help, I'm not sure I would be as content as I am. I consider myself fortunate to have some talented people in my life.
Thanks for asking this question.
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Hi I'm Bob from Orlando. Plain and simple, for me its been hell. I've been living with this crap since 84, at first when I was diagnosed I just lived with it (no meds) and waited for it to be my time to die. I told no one but my wife that I was sick.Then in 96 I got the dreaded PCP. I survived ;-) but it kick off my drug addiction and depression, witch drove my wife nuts till she finely said enough and divorced me after 20 years. By the way she was not poz nor was my son Robert.
Thank you god
I'm drug free for 2 years now, I'm still waiting to meet someone POZ so I can try and live a normal as possible life. but I probably be depressed till I find the women of my HIV dreams.
I have no support right now. when I lived in New Jersey I went to meetings but here in Florida the meeting are far and few in between. So I guess you are all my peers
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If I need support I get it here. Every day above ground is a good day.
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This isn't really the question, but this (very) gay guy has a comment. What's strange, to me, is that I've never known a heterosexual individual that's HIV+ except those I've met from this site. What's also kind of ironic is that since being diagnosed, I've had numerous other gay men tell me that they are Poz® without my disclosing first. I guess in addition to gaydar, som people have pozdar or something.
David
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After reading Melia's post, I've gotten the urge to sing "I'm Every Woman". I swear you are so inspirational, I mean that from the heart, not being sarcastic.
Hmm, my life has changed since being poz like everybody else. I received this bug from an ex who was on the dl or the down low. And had to find out from a co-worker who knew my ex. He got the news from a nurse in the correctional facility my ex was at. Hmm, and I thought medical personnel was suppose to keep things confidential?
Since then I have learned to live with it. I have tried disclosing but everytime it was basically a disaster. My gay friends know and when one of them became poz, I was the person they spoke to. It felt nice being able to talk to someone about it then. My family knows but I have sibs that haven't been really supportive and since they haven't seen me in awhile they are now trying to think of ways to try to see me.
As far as a social life, I really don't have one. I go visit friends from time to time. I don't do the bar scene, I figure if I want to drink, I can do it at home. There is no one romantically in my life, not by choice but mainly due to being poz. Around here, mention being poz and folks look at you like you got leprosy or something and then you become gossip. Don't fuck with her, she's got that shit! Basically you can say I have isolated myself but what other choice did or do I have? I don't go to support groups and if I did, I don't feel that would be the place to try to hook up with someone. And I really don't see myself getting with a neg person. So, I have tried to be content being alone. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.
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I am a foreigner living in the Netherlands and I don't blend it with the local support group because they are either gay and Dutch speaking and my Dutch isn't good enough, or the foreigners are (mostly) African. But I have my family and friends and of course my boyfriend, whom I met post-diagnosis (I was ready to kill myself, and I often still have these thoughts). I use these forums not to feel so alone with this, and they really help. The women here are amazing. And I never knew gay men could be so great. That sounds bad... but I suppose I was prejudiced against gays before being diagnosed, because of a few obnoxious ones I met when I was working for the fashion industry in my previous career. How silly is that?! All these separations. I didn't know I was prejudiced, but in retrospect I was.
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I get my support from my husband, Mom, and my friends. I also see a counselor who works with chronically ill people.
AM was the first time I had 'met' other positive heterosexual women. It was very comforting to read their posts. Their struggles, how they overcame things, grew to accept themselves.
These forums are a huge support for me. Since joining, I found people who I can talk with, ask questions, laugh with.
A few months after I was diagnosed, I went to a local ASO, and the woman I spoke to did not believe I only had 5 tcells. She did everything but call me a liar to my face. Then I inquired about a support group, and her response was: "Sure we have a support group, but it is full of hookers and drug addicts...I don't think you would fit in..."
I walked out of the place in shock. It took huge amounts of courage for me to go in the first place, then to be treated so poorly really pissed me off.
After that I was afraid to try another support group, so I relied on my family.
Christine
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Family. They're nuts. They must really like me.
Friends slowly alienated me, wouldn't return my phone calls, always afraid to talk about it. My overall impression was just FEAR.
I had a great therapist for awhile. He sent me to a gay community center for a support group. That was good and nice. But then it got a little weird when it came out that I wasn't gay. I then felt like an intruder so I stopped going.
I had to stop seeing my therapist because of money. I started feeling like I had been set far adrift, and then I found this place which I think kept me from falling into a dark dark abyss.
I'm hoping to get back out there and meet more people in the city now that I'm not working as much as I use to.
brian
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Hello, Cristy here. Heterosexual poz female. Most of my support I get here from you all and my mother and father I don't really socialize because the majority of the people I am around do not know my status. I live in a very small community and work at the best restaurant here so do not disclose to them. I do have a Therapist that I go see ever couple weeks,just to talk or cry about me being stuck. I wish I could come to The AMG and meet some of you wonderful people. Oh well, Maybe next year Cristy
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Well, I'm a bi poz female, so I guess I'm 1/2 way entitled to answer! First, Chrstine, I'm sorry you had such a bad experience at your ASO. Go to the support group anyway, I say! As for me, I don't know any other poz women in my town. They're like all in hiding. I have friends that I've met through the years in Narcotics Anonymous and AA that have always been supportive. As far as relationships..... frankly, I'm glad I'm not in one right now. I think they're way too much energy and I need all the energy I can muster up right now for school. I've had a few relationships though. I married a guy in 1991, two years post diagnosis, but he started shooting up drugs again and wiped out my bank account. Then I had a union with a woman and it didn't work. The last relationship I was in, turned out to be a very abusive one. He pushed me down a whole flight of stairs and I had to have a titanium plate put in my upper jaw and it shattered my sinuses. All these people were negative. The place I go when I need support for HIV is on here. I've found many wonderful people and I thank them all. My family is also supportive. They've been educated, mainly through me. I used to work for a doc who's an immunologist and a large part of his practice is HIV+ people. He taught me a lot which I passed on to my family. I just thank God they were receptive enough to hear it. I've ran across the regular bias, but I just disregard it and move on. Since I have no sex drive right now, that makes the sounds of a relationship even less appealing. Anyway, that's been my experience. In the early days of my diagnosis (1989-) I knew two HIV+ women. They have since died and I miss them terribly! I wish they had a support group in my town for women, but as yet, that has to be started. Anyway, those are my 2 cents. I think we can find strength through each other.
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so far in my journey i've found the following to be my support links: this sight, my therapist, my doctor and the guy who passed this virus on to me (yes, we are still very good friends). i'm not sure if i find this odd or not, or just a person God has blessed me with and placed in my life for a purpose...but, a few weeks back, my friend from work (who is very gay) and i were talking about std's...i was totally stepping around the topic of hiv, but i finally said something about it (this was when i didn't know my status for sure) and i came forth with my concern of my own health. at that time, he disclosed to me that he was positive - just like that. he only recently became positive (october) and was totally cool with telling me his status and assured me that i will be ok...regardless of the outcome of my test. i only see this guy once every 5-6 weeks and saw him again last week...and told him my news, just like that. for me, it was very comfortable and it was reassuring that he understood. i guess i don't have that same feeling about having to tell either my family or my girlfriends...or straight guy friends for that matter. i just know i wouldn't get the same response and i dread figuring out and determining who will remain and who will walk away. i'm quite sure i'll be and "outsider."
as far as dating goes...good God, i don't even want to think about it as i feel it will certainly be a pretty lonely battle in trying to find that "prince" who will accept me for all that i am, and am not. it will be tough.
for now, i'm just thankful for having found this site...
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after reading soooo many posts from hiv + women i couldn't help but add my 2 cents as a poz man for 22 years.
it was very interesting to read the number of hetero women who have found much comfort and support from the gay male community. i, too, must admit that if it wasn't for the gay male poz community i might never have made it this long.
i have posted in other forums here that i feared the thought of joining a hiv support group in my city, after losing my fiance to aids in 1989, because i didn't feel i could identify with IDU or gay males. i just didn't think we had anything in common.
so i tried to live this disease on my own, with the help of alcohol, and very supportive family & hiv negative friends. problem was, they had no idea what i was going through, and as supportive as they tried to be, i needed to be with others i could talk to that had what i had.
once i got past the nervousness of all that phobia i had and got to talking about the hiv issues that were pertinent to me, i felt like i had found a whole new family. phobia melted away and enduring friendships were developed, many of which were terminated by this deadly bug. each time the quilt comes to town i make it a point to take time to visit those i have lost. they truly made a difference in my life.
during those support group years several of the halfway houses in my city were being overpopulated with hiv + women from ny city. because i had a car, i became their chauffer. their program allowed them to attend an hiv support group once a week. as a newly widowed and anxious for companionship poz male, i found this to be an opportunity to meet poz females and maybe find someone i could develop a relationship with.
i had tried dating negative women and had felt that panic of going with them to get their test results after we had a spontaneous moment with no protection, even though she knew i was poz. that moment was the most difficult of my life, waiting for her to come back out after getting her results. i swore i would never date a negative woman again.
the parade of women from the city continued coming through those halfway houses, and never once did i have a relationship with one of them. i can't explain why, but our friendships were genuine. many made it through their programs and went onto graduating from our local community college, setting up roots in the community, working as social workers and case managers helping others who came from the city. they were very courageous women, and unfortunately, now deceased. so trajic were the early years of aids!
i did, however, meet one woman from that halfway house/support group connection who, as it turned out, had moved back to our town from the city after she learned she had hiv, thinking she wanted to be closer to her family knowing death was near. we met in 1992 and married in 1994. our wedding ceremony took place in the room where our support group met regularly, at a local unitarian church.
we bought my parents house in the town we both grew up in, have four grandchildren, spend a great deal of time working together in my insurance business, and have several hiv negative friends who support our open hiv staus every step of the way.
however, we have also gone to the high school we graduated from to talk to students about life with hiv, have been subjects of local news stories on world aids day, have gone to area colleges to speak to graduating nurses about the way positive patients used to be treated in our local hospitals, and were even open about our hiv status when extreme makeover home edition came to our town to build a home for a woman with 2 hiv positive kids & we were choosen to be her insurance agent.
my wife and i are mystified by the lack of positive hetero's we have met over the past 15 years we have been active in the hiv community here in upstate ny. yet we know; after 9/11 the red cross reported over 1000 positive blood donations in our community; our city has a 1 in 4 teenage pregnancy rate; and our local paper reported in a recent story on area prostitutes that every one of them was believed to be positive; hiv must be an issue in our hetero population.
why have they not come forward? STIGMA!!!
and until we do something to end the stigma associated with this disease, most hetero's will live this disease in silence. it is a sad fact, which i am not proud of.
i have walked the halls of congress and marched the streets of washington dc, and in most every case, few hetero's were present.
i hope those hetero's who visit this site gain inspiration from the posts i make here from time to time. our gay brothers and sisters have fought this battle far too long on their own for the most part, and i for one, hope to be a voice for change. it is long overdue!
thanks for asking the question.
kellyspoppi
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Thanks for the post kellyspoppi.
It is time we left the shadows. Still being under the 2 year mark with this virus and trying to put my life back in order I realize that one of my main goals in life is to live openly as an HIV+ person. Thanks for the hope and inspiration.
much love,
brian
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I agree that we need to come forward but sometimes it is not easy as we all ( Hetero, bi or gay) know. I worry about not just me being stigmatized in my small community but also my HIV- 4 yo Son and my HIV- 56 yo parents. I have been selfish so long that is why I got this but don't want to subject them to that. Cristy
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To answer the question of the subject line ... I think it's like being homosexual and having HIV. Only without the Streisand records and flare.
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just to introduce myself....without these forums last year I swear the unbearable pain of a diagnosis of cancer could not have been handled without the support I found from these forums. I am doing well now & the last two CAT/PET scan came back great...just getting on with my life again which takes a VERY long time......and treating my body the best way I can...eating well,working out 3-4 times a week...and the whole experience has made me & also the people around me more special...takes a situation like that to happen because it never happened with the HIV diagnosis
........so to go back to this topic I had to put experience here.......my younger gay brother's best friend is a straight girl and more than 15 years ago she says she got the virus from a dentist...and what stories I heard from her about meeting guys...I would never go to the lengths...as soon as she told the potential BF about her status they literally "headed for the hills"..I'll get an update this summer as we'll all be spending some time together on Fire Island.
...but the better story comes next...so when I was diagnosed last March with lymphoma right behind my ear canal ..the size of a small grape......I had lost my hearing..so I call my oldest brother(64yo) & his wife who is a nurse..so I'm letting the tears flow...they were so cool about it....last yea IF you said CRY!...I could cry on cue:-)...so where's my OSCAR??...so same conversation and my brother says to me (over the phone)...I have something I want to tell you but you have to swear to secrecy....6 months ago they did an HIV test on me and it came back POSITIVE....I said why this is a really SWELL TIME TO TELL ME THIS STORY..but they swore me to secrecy because it was only the wife ,brother & the medical people that knew anything...they refused to tell anyone else for fear of that STIGMA I guess....so I said how did you get this?...he said because of all the neck surgeries he's had over the years and the CADAVERS bones that they used...were unknowingly contaminated with the HIV virus..he had been suffering through the years with the neck but also shingles,thrush etc & if it was a gay friend those are the major signs of HIV....so I never thought to ask him about that....so to end this story for now...they live in solitude with this secret...have two older daughters who do not know...they know all about their uncle(me).......I don't know how long they will continue this needless charade..it wasn't their fault, they do not want to take legal action because the surgeries happened in the hospital where she works....so he's on meds and doing well...imagine 64yo and getting that diagnosis! that's all for now.
cheers...
TC
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CJC,
I know we can't all come forward. I fear losing my job and my insurance, but on the other hand it's just me and to be honest I don't care much about what people think about me. I've always been a bit of an outsider. HIV just made that reality much starker. I was thinking today that I should just try and be more open about it in conversation. If it got back to work so be it, although it probably wouldn't. I think part of me fears living in fear of the world's unjust rules. So I have to see it as worthy goal for myself.
best,
brian
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cadavers, wow, thats a new one on me, and i've been living with this a long time. not that i'm questioning it as i guess if it was being transfered through blood transfusions (how my deceased fiance got it) it makes sense that you could get it from cadaver bones.
but at 64, to be living with this secret is such a shame. life is too short, and for him, even shorter. these discussions were prominent in support groups of the 80's and 90's..... when to disclose to your kids. if he's 64 i have to assume his kids are adults by now. he doesn't think they are mature enough to deal with that info. i would think they would resent it more if he got real sick and died before they knew.
my feeling was i wanted to be the one to tell my son, not someone else. but at 10 years old, i was afraid he would share it with a friend who would blab it to his parents and then spread it around the community. i was a little league and babe ruth baseball coach for my sons teams and it really scared me that parents would find out back then and pull their kids from the team. again, this was in the late 80's/ early 90's.
because there was so little education about hiv back then, it was reasonable to assume disclosure would result in acts of discrimination and other unmentionables.
but damn it, we are now 25 years into this disease and people have had plenty of time to get educated, especially young people. my attitude now is that if you can accept the fact that i am no threat to you by now, then go get your ass educated and then come talk to me, you illiterate jerk!
it really saddens me hearing folks talk about not being comfortable enough with this illness that they cannot disclose to their families and loved ones. it is such a crime.
enough of that.
i do want to talk to the hetero ladies ( including bi's, betty), especially those with partners, about something of a personal nature. hope you all don't mind the question.
when my current wife and i first met, having sex for the first time with a positive person was like finally getting back to the way things were supposed to be. remember, this was pre-haart and, believe me, even if cross resistence was an issue back then, having sex for the first time without the fear of passing the virus was such a turn on.
my wife and i were very active sexually right up until we started taking protease inhibitors. within a few months we both noticed that are sex drive was getting weaker. for me it was like i started losing it in the legs, then the mind, and now altogether.
part of that has to do with the many lazor surgeries my wife has had to have (3) due to abnormal pap smears, a common occurence in poz women. i feel like my wife has experienced so much pain as a result of those surgeries that she has lost her willingness to have intercourse.
so i guess what i'm asking here is, did protease inhibitors reduce your sex drive as well, or do you think those surgeries have more to do with her losing interest? i think she's afraid that if we have intercourse it will bring on another episode and, as a result, another painfull surgery, so why risk it. am it right?
so in answer to the original question, how is it being hetero and having hiv, i say this....... i'm soon to be 57, fearing my days of being able to have intercourse are slowly slipping by, and despite the intense love i feel for my wife, i see no end in sight of that ever happening again. very sad!
am i happy about that aspect of being hetero with hiv? ....... lets just say i have never heard a gay male or seen a post by a gay male who ever mentioned having problems having sex. so, if i'm wrong here guys, feel free to put in your 2 cents.
kellyspoppi
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Well. my friends pre-diagnosis are still my friends post diagnosis, so thats good. I have limited disclosure to those that are real friends. I was diagnosed 2 years ago, so a lot of the experiences are still new.
It was tough at first as I am probably the only HIV+ person that my straight friends know.
Certainly, the personal relationship issue is the most difficult one that I face. I have dated a few poz women, but nothing came of it, more as a result of distance than compatibility.
I avoid getting into situations where meeting a negative woman might lead to anything else which is difficult. Also, its sad to know that I can never have real initimate sexual relations again. I am fortunate however, that this happend to me at close to 50, so I have experienced relationships without this issue. I know several women who were diagnosed in their early 20s, and so they have lived their whole adult life with this.
So, if there are women in this forum who would like to meet a nice guy who lives in Vancouver, or just to chat, drop me a PM. ;D
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ahhh, to be 20 again.
jack, my prayer for u is that i day you will feel u have gained enough strength from these forums that u will be able to come out of that cave and shout out to the world "i'm positive!
to have to live your entire adult life in secrecy seems absured to me, and quite unhealthy. but i understand your wanting to be guarded about your status initially.
you need to find a way to get comfortable in your new found status. if you have no one you feel you can talk to in person, then hang around here and ask lots of questions. there are many compassionate folks here to help with your fears.
stay connected man, and i look forward to seeing you post more in the future.
kellyspoppi
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I am living with HIV for well over 20 years now.......and my older brother being diagnosed last year, is no different than this young man who remains hidden...it is disgusting this stigma after all these years & I just never knew it existed like this... but the gay community dealt with it in a different way than the straight community...we still were going to have sex..most men want sex & we were going to find the way to do it.....but being gay HIV pos has it's ups & downs.....but not being able to speak to another soul on earth is a horrible sentence......I hope my brother, in his own time, as for this young man in college, that they have some means of "venting"...my brother does talk to a psychiatrist and has his wife and there's me, who knows the A to Z's about this virus...and I wish for this young man to go speak to at least ONE OTHER PERSON....make it a professional off campus...you can do a search online...there are many people that will do it anonymously....good luck to you!! and there's always us you can ask any questions...please feel free to "pick my brain"....god knows I've been there!
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I think the biggest issue for "straight" guys (and I use quotes to try and make the emphasis that some have this virus as the result of non-heterosexual activities in the past, but who otherwise lead straight lives) is that we're not supposed to have this disease. By that I mean, it just seems more accepting to be gay and have HIV. My gay friends are more comfortable with it, talk about it more, embrace it more - which is why the only 2 people who know about my status are gay men. I knew that they'd be okay with it - not to mention, tell me about all the other people they know that have it.
Straight guys just don't talk about HIV, or about their friends who have HIV, or go to HIV awareness rallies. I am generalizing here, but my point is that there is less community to connect with. If you don't identify as "gay" then it's dually hard to go to those rallies for fear of being seen as "oh, there's another gay guy with HIV."
But more important is this: I don't think most guys are going to talk about this kind of stuff because they just don't talk about this kind of thing. I doubt I'd go public with any other diseases (well, maybe cancer) either. I just don't really think it's necessary to always share everything about one's personal life. My sense is that gay men are a bit more comfortable socializing with this disease because of it's history and identity.
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Another heterosexual woman here and my support comes from my sisters and friends.Like so many of the other women here l have not met one poz female in the city where live.
I have to say for me though my biggest suport has come from my gay "big brothers".They were friends of mine before l found out and their support and care since has kept me going many times.
This site also keeps me sane l may not post but l do read and it has made me feel less alone many times.
But some days l still feel very alone living with this.
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ChaplinGuy:
I think the biggest issue for "straight" guys ... is that we're not supposed to have this disease. By that I mean, it just seems more accepting to be gay and have HIV.
im totally feeling you on this one - the opinion seems to be that if youre gay (or 3rd world african) and have hiv "oh, right, no big surprise it was always a scary possibility, there's tons of it out there, i sympathise"
but if youre a first-world heterosexual "damn, you must have tried REALLY hard and done some REALLY kinky stuff to get THAT and you SO shouldve known better"
and that is the attitude i have received from a clinical nurse specialist as well as the general population!!
drives me crazy. the only normal attitude i seem to get is from the WONDERFUL gay community and a couple of friends.
on a completely different note - wow, we now have online proof that there at over 20 first-world/middle class heterosexuals/bisexuals with hiv!!! couple more and we can start our own football league!! :D
(ps is there a generally-accepted term for what i am trying to say? ie first-world/middle class rather than 3rd world/african? aargh terminology!!)
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And what if a doc say to your wife with smile : ( because she is HIV- )
" You know my dear , you cannot get this desease so easily " >:(
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I think the biggest issue for "straight" guys (and I use quotes to try and make the emphasis that some have this virus as the result of non-heterosexual activities in the past, but who otherwise lead straight lives)
Perhaps it's not worth noting, but I do find it a curious distinction to now indicate straight with quotes. I point it out because I feel there's alot of discrimination in regards to this. It seems if you ever venture off the socially sanctioned pasture your straight card is revoked in perpetuity and you're never allowed back on the pasture. Women wish "you'd just make up your mind that you're gay already", and gays think "oh, he's not sure...still in the closet". And if you refer to yourself as straight (i.e. I walk around and look at women and think they're cute/beautiful/hot all day, not men) you have to now qualify it in some way?
I wonder how many gay men have slept with women? And I know some of you guys have kids, so I figure it happens. Does that mean they're "gay"? Not the full fledged gay, but the kind you have to put quotes around. And if one's sexuality ever moves at all it only moves in a homosexual direction?
In relation to the topic at hand I feel as if I'm an HIV+ straight man, and oh my plenty of people have questioned me on that mark. But my sexual identity is MINE...not theirs. Stereotypes about HIV will now always follow me around about that, and that's fine as I don't feel bad about being called gay. It's when I tell someone I'm not and they think I'm lying or don't want to admit something....that bugs me.
Just some thoughts.
brian
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HIV does not discriminate. it kills everybody equally and with out bias.
my wife knows and that's it because people are cruel. if work knew i would be the joke of the shop, people would have a field day with that one.
i have a couple of close friends, but i afraid if they knew that would be it.just there comments on the subject at work made me sick to my stomach i couldn't listen to that crap anymore and had to go somewhere else for lunch that day.
my one dear friend of 20 years passed away from this damn thing, i miss her. she may have understood.now shes gone, and i wonder if i killed her.
LORD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL.
i don't cope to well, dont want my kids to know. nor do i want my family to know.
i came here to learn about things and to make friends.and hopefully this will help me deal with it
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In small group discussion in the L.I.F.E. program, I remember a young man who said he was heterosexual and had gotten HIV from a blood transfusion in surgery.
One of my childhood friends whom I had known since we met at the babysitter's at age 5 had gotten HIV from plasma as he was Hemophilliac and no one was checking blood products that early in the pandemic. He died about 15 years ago, after his parents had both died, his brother, sisters, neices and nephews found a bank book in his personal possessions. That account had $250,000.00 in it and was a settlement from the drug company which sold the tainted blood products. The only money he ever spent from that settlement was for a new dishwashing machine for his mother. Have the best day
Michael
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It's hardest because there is so little support, Hetero guy here. Very few people know of my status, in my family my mother and my godfather are the only ones who know, I'm ashamed to even let my father know.
For dating which used to be so easy for it's almost non existent, I dated a few girls I met online, and they definitely weren't my type. I have so many girls who flirt with me, ones that I like, and I find myself distancing myself from them, afraid to get too close because I already know where it's going to lead.
I think this is the hardest part, when we find out we have HIV we realize, just from our own views on it from our lives from before, that we are going to bare almost all of the burden alone. We've seen the prejudice that goes on behind closed doors. I think it's harder to face that where you might have once been respected and accepted as one of the group.
Far to often I find myself alone with nobody to talk to and it wares me down. I work, I exercise, I go to school, and I still have that lingering fear, the fear that people I know will find out.
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to all the hetero/bi poz females who have posted on this thread. i don't mean to sound impatient, but i asked a question of you ladies and i have yet to get a response from any of you.
was my question too personal or do i need to browse the poz women forum to hopefully see some answers. i was being perfectly frank with my question, and would honestly like your thoughts.
i look forward to hearing from someone on my question.
thanks, kellyspoppi
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I like Jack feel like I'm living in a little cave with this other than my wife who knows. As someone else said I'm treated like I'm not supposed to have this or something like that. I do feel like some in my medical staff may have the thought that I have some secret homosexual life that I haven't told them about but I don't. I get this by just reading their facial expressions and the types of questions that they have asked me.
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Support was here, and very good but the then flame wars and constant bickering spoilt it and I began to look around for something closer to home, and I found, THT ( The Terrence Higgins Trust) here in the UK, which was better as they offered counselling, and helped me through my financial and other health problems, by writing the relevant letters and filling in the necessary forms and pointing me in the right direction with introductions to specialised and free help, they also offered free massage and reflexology, it didn’t do much for HIV but it did give brief relief to the anxiety and relaxed me out for a while. Two days a week they have a drop in, where you have lunch and freely meet and chat to others with HIV, they are a mixed bunch of Gay Straight, and African, from newly diagnosed to long timers, At Christmas they laid on a buffet and the Large room was full of people who were Living With HIV/AIDS, for me, that was quite wonderful and I have not felt so alone since, from not Knowing any one to meeting so many fellow sufferers.
For any of you in the UK Look up THT in your area even if all you need is a chat, I have found they listen, care, and help unconditionally.
I know I don,t contribute here very often but I lurk, meeting others face to face I find so much more rewarding than just knowing some one in print, please don’t take me wrong here, the support from many on this site was over whelming and appreciated but its not the same as a face to face.
Family know my status and are understanding, friends I don’t tell as it is very much a stigma thing here.
my Partner is my life line and amazingly understanding and supportive, I feel that I have come along way in 20 months since diagnosis day and its so good to see so many doing well with this disease, in 25 years of HIV thankfully things have improved, well here in the west, Please remember the Horror of the 80’s is still here, from me, here in the UK it’s only a 6 to 8 hour Air Trip away, In Africa. Where the majority is Hetro.
Take Care John
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"and I use quotes to try and make the emphasis that some have this virus as the result of non-heterosexual activities in the past, but who otherwise lead straight lives"
This is something that really irritates me about gay men. This was posted in this thread and in another thread where a gay man asked heterosexuals how they were coping, it was suggested that they must have gotten it from a gay experience somewhere hidden deep in their closets of the past. It's catty, immature and disrespectful. If someone says they're straight, then they're straight and you are in no place to question whether or not that's true.
I'm fortunate that my family has been very understanding as have all my friends. I haven't lost any contact with anyone I was socializing with before becoming diagnosed and announcing my status to those close to me. I no longer access any services in Vancouver because I feel like the subject of sexual harassment by older, sleazier gay men. I've tried being nice to gay man, and really, I have no problem of them. I respect their decisions to be gay, to live gay lifestyles, to pursue relationships with other men, to celebrate their sexuality, and even to get married and have families. What I've found in being nice however is that they see it as an opportunity to try and get me into bed. "Lets exchange phone numbers in case you ever need someone to talk to" almost always leads to a phone call no more than a few hours later where I'm invited over for some wine, DVD's and whatever... If I hear "It won't make you gay if you let me suck your dick" one more time, I'm seriously gonna punch someone. It's sexual harassment, bold and in your face sexual harassment. If I talked to a woman like that, wow, I'd be in some serious trouble. There's no course of action for this sort of behaviour either, because they're gay and just being cheeky and fabulous... Try complaining to the director of an organization who is gay about how the other gay man made you feel uncomfortable and all you'll get is a lecture on tolerance or be branded a homophobe... Either way, you're screwed!
I choose to find support only online because women are segregated in Canada and I'm tired of being harassed by gay men. I'm tired of the lecherous stares of middle aged gay men who tug at their crotch while staring me down like a piece of fresh cooked meat when they haven't eaten in days. I'm also tired of hearing more about white priviledge in America than I am about services that are going to be offered to effectively service those of the heterosexual population. Choose your causes people!! Race issues in America, while they do exist and are a problem, are not your problem when you're on the clock. You are working at an AIDS organization in Canada that is meant to service those in the area. Keep the social crusading to your free time.
I don't date at all anymore. I've tried a couple times in the year and a half since being diagnosed. I never make it more than 48 hours past disclosing before being turfed. It's tough. I had always managed to do pretty well for myself in terms of meeting women and pursuing relationships. Attractive, intelligent women who take care of their minds and bodies. Women with ambition, and personality. Women with pride, and self esteem. It seems that these types of women are going to be a part of my past. The only interest I get these days are from women online who I will never be attracted to on a physical level. Does that make me shallow? Some might argue yes but why should I settle for less?
In the meantime, I'm trying to figure out what I can do to better my social life. Living in Canada and in particular Vancouver I see nothing for me. I'd really like to move away from here. Perhaps to the US where there are more people and more people equals more poz people. Maybe South Africa or the Ukraine where the numbers of those living with HIV are so high that I'd have no problem meeting a woman who was poz and would be happy to have me.
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Just for the record, I can think of 2 positive heterosexual single women - a friend and, um...another friend - who are watching this thread very closely, keeping tabs on all the positive heterosexual single men. ;D
Tis reassuring to know that, although seemingly rare, they are not a totally extinct species.
Melia ;)
(who isn't hijacking just commenting)
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personally i was really chuffed that anyone cared enough to ask about my/our experiences
i have never felt segregated by gay men in support groups and know that the 2 heterosexual +ve men i know have also felt very welcomed at tht meetings in the uk - im sorry upallnight that you have had such bad experiences but i think that you have just been unfortunate. i have myself recently experienced segregation and animosity from a group of african +ve people so i am aware that sadly it can happen within the +ve community. all i can say is dont tar everyone with the same brush and keep giving people a chance. altho you are entitled to be pissed off at your past experiences you need to be careful that you dont think that you will never experience anything else. maybe you will meet some people in your area thru this site who you can get support from..? hope so xx
as an aside tho, like you are pissed off at some people wondering if you have contracted during a moment of gayness, i find that people assume that i mustve taken it up the ass, been a complete slut, or been involved in something REALLY rough and kinky to contract - i can almost see their opinions of my sexual morals head south in front of my eyes - i still dont think that a lot of people really realise that it is possible to get it from boring heterosexual sex with a regular partner (maybe you can tell from the way i write this that it wasnt even a good shag ;) i mean, at least if it'd been earthshatteringly good i could have taken some comfort in that ;D )
anyway, letting people know differing experiences is why i welcome people asking me about my own experiences and why i want to know about theirs, so once again mauricio thanks for starting this thread xxxx
ps pozbrit - yeah i got a lot of support from tht too - until earlier this year when our local social services removed all funding and gave it to the 'black health initiative' .... so now these forums are my only support (and occasionally meeting up with a couple of friends i met thru tht in the pub) hopefully things will improve but i gotta be honest and say i dont hold out much hope
pps kellyspoppi - not ignoring your Q just not on any meds or getting any sex so cant comment
ppps melia - hear hear!
pppps (!!!) should not be reading/posting this at all have an accounting/stats exam tomorrow & should be revising - uuurg!
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UpAllNight
I hope you can find better support through these forums too.
I've never attended support groups, so I can't comment about them. Although, after I get back to the UK, I do intend to make more use of Body Positive. So it will be interesting to see how things work there...
i still dont think that a lot of people really realise that it is possible to get it from boring heterosexual sex with a regular partner
I think this is one of the crucial messages that is just NOT getting across to folk. And that needs addressing.
pps kellyspoppi - not ignoring your Q just not on any meds or getting any sex so cant comment
Ditto and ditto. (waah at the 2nd ditto! :'()
pppps (!!!) should not be reading/posting this at all have an accounting/stats exam tomorrow & should be revising - uuurg!
So get offline woman! :P And good luck! xx
Melia
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I do this from time to time. I search for support groups in Chicago that I might be able to attend. I was just at the tpan website and this is what strikes me over and over again. It's 2007 and look how segregated all their services are.
There's a gay support group, a female support group. a hiv+ and in recovery support group, a support group for "gay and bi men of african descent", a newly diagnosed support group, and a daytime support group.
Well, daytime is out because I gotta' work. I find it especially weird that the group for black men specifically does NOT include straight men. And really the existense of a female support group speaks directly to what is missing. I seriously doubt all those females are IV drug users and lesbians.
I've said this before. I don't really want to go to a straight support group. I'd like a support group that doesn't care who I am or how I found the virus. I also see nothing wrong with focusing on certain groups, but it shouldn't be done to the exclusion of all inclusive groups.
I wonder when HIV activists and services design these campaigns that say, "HIV doesn't discriminate" do they really believe that? I look at the services offered and it reinforces old stereotypes in one of the US's largest cities.
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The one thing about Chicago is, though, you have that diversity of support groups. The only one we have here in this town is one for people who are poz and want to be drug and alcohol-free. I quit going though because I'm the only one who ever stays drug and alcohol free.
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UpAllNight, I never attended a HIV/AIDS support group here in Vancouver, but I think if you are going to a support group and being harassed, I think you have every right to be pissed off. I think you should take you concerns above "the director of an organization who is gay", since what you describe is not right period.
Just because people are gay, doesn't mean they can't be jerks. Be it in Vancouver Canada, Brazil or SA.
Yet as EnglishGirl mentions in her post, I would not assume that what you have experienced is a standard practise for all gay men. I for one would say heterosexual men turn me off sexually. Just like a woman, I can find them physically attractive, but sexually it just doesn't cut it.
I would encourage you to keep your options open to woman outside of Canada as well. Since Canada unlike some countries does allow HIV+ people to gain permanent residency in the country if they become a spouse of a Canadian citizen (this is one of the few exceptions. Since most poz people are denied this privilege, at least for residency, due to the medical burden this could cause to your social medical system). So you never know if one day you'll be sponsering that hot Brazilian woman to Canada :)
I'd like to thank you for your post, I'm glad to see more heterosexuals becoming more visible here in AM. Since although many issue brought up here are human issues that apply to all of us, there certainly are issues that affect heterosexuals in particular. Being able to attend a support group without being harassed is one of them. Plus as a gay man, I think I can only grow as person by reading some of these posts and replies.
Cheers,
Mauricio.
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these last couple of posts are disheartening to me. when i think back to the early 90's when funding for services here in the usa were at a minimum, you were truly lucky to be able to find a support group period. therefore when you did, there were gays, straights, idu's, minorities, a true mix of how hiv does not discriminate.
as i have said before, as a hetero sexual white male non idu, i was in the minority. it took alot of courage for me to get up the nerve to attend that group because of the sterotype aids first presented itself. but as time elapsed and i was craving to be with those i could identify with ( having hiv/aids), it didn't matter to me who was in the group, just that they could help me to work through living with this disease.
back then people were dying and relationships were gained and lost as quickly as you change underwear. but through it all, we were one, in trying to survive this disease. over a 3 year period of time a 30 person room dwindled down to 7. we became known as the long term survivors, although we didn't know it at the time. we just knew we were still standing and weren't getting sick. soon we were no longer showing up for group, deciding that it was time to start living with hiv instead of dying with aids, and we all began to get on with our lives.
by then, money started pouring into agencies as the numbers also began to rise. minority communities began dominating most support groups, and it was then i noticed splintering of groups occuring.
women, who were not being represented adequately by agencies in the meeting of their needs, or in clinical trials, began forming their own groups. gays began breaking from minorities, as they did not wish to talk about addiction issues. this sadly became the trend, because the topics discussed no longer dealt with one another helping members through sickness and death issues, but more about how folks could coup with living with hiv. therefore you wanted to be with those you would socialize with in every day life.
as a board member of an area ASO, we have noticed a significant reduction in support groups all together. agencies want to concentrate the reduced funding levels they have had to deal with under republican rule in congress by meeting the emergency needs (housing & utility assisstence) of those financially strapped. slowly but surely the frills have been stripped away in favor of meeting mental health and case management needs only, just to keep from having waiting lists as the numbers of newly infected rise.
and now that ryan white transportation rides (buses,cabs, and subways) are limited to those services which provide medical outcomes, plwa's can no longer expect a ride to support groups, social dinners/luncheons, and limited support case management appointments. it won't be long before support groups will become non-existent again.
for those who feel socially disconnected i feel extremely bad that this is the current trend, for without support groups and social meal gatherings to go to, they will become less connected with their peers, in many cases, the only folks they feel comfortable with.
i feel even more saddness for the newly infected individuals, because without a place to go to meet those who have been living with this disease for as long as i have (22 years), how are they to gain hope without a chance to hear our stories. these forums only reach so many, but as we have noticed, when a newly infected person begins to read these threads and realizes how long many of us have been living with hiv, hope replaces doom instantly, and with that type of newly inspired mental outlook, they gain a much better chance of staying healthy in mind, body, and spirit.
so i guess what i am saying here is that if we are LTS's with deep ties to our ASO's, we need to do what we can to try to maintain some type of support system for those who need it. advocate to become members of your agencies board or client services committee, and be a voice for those who fear speaking for themselves.
in the end, the only thing we can truly count on is ourselves, and 1 support group is better than no support at all.
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I think overall it would be a lot better if there was just one place to go. One HIV/AIDS organization that offered different services for people of different needs on different days of the week. I'd like to see us all have to walk through the same front doors, share the same lounge/common area and be able to interact with all PWA's. I don't understand the need for discrimination. All it does is help people with HIV stigmatize others with HIV and we're all stigmatized as it is. It seems like everyone is so hell bent on being identified as an individual rather than part of a collective whole. Ahh, to be politically correct...
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This all being said and for the fact that my partner and I are also from the Vancouver area I can only imagine how hard it must be for heterosexual people. We are not into the bars either and we live in the burbs, and have no real support except for each other and it has been very difficult for us as I unknowingly passed it on to him and he has a real grudge and blames me, and I do understand how he feels and do not blame him for this. I wish that there was a group for both to meet together, not for gay or straight people, but just people that are Hiv + and need to have support. No one else knows but the 2 of us and we have no intentions of telling others at this time, we only found out a year ago. Seems from what I have read that most of the heterosexual people have more courage than I as they have told their family and friends and I tip my hats to them, and I'm sure they have the best support system going. We have been offered to attend some kind of a support group downtown but have not attended as we do not feel that sitting in a circle with other gay people is what we are looking for right now, we do wish we knew others that we could talk to about this but not at one of these meetings. It is more complicated in our case as my partner is still angry and feeling betrayed.
It is nice however to come here and talk to everyone, straight, gay, who ever, and talk as people with Hiv and get that support that we all need.
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I had always managed to do pretty well for myself in terms of meeting women and pursuing relationships. Attractive, intelligent women who take care of their minds and bodies. Women with ambition, and personality. Women with pride, and self esteem. It seems that these types of women are going to be a part of my past. The only interest I get these days are from women online who I will never be attracted to on a physical level. Does that make me shallow? Some might argue yes but why should I settle for less?
Yup.
You know UpAllNight I might be the only one reading your comments this way, but what the heck. It seems to me that you're suggesting that HIV positive women are the sort of women who lack those things you find attractive.
Like ambition, personality, pride and self esteem.
Now I'm just another lecherous gay man, but I've met a couple of HIV positive women in my time and they seemed to have all of those qualities and a whole lot more.
But then none of them lived in Vancouver.
MtD
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What I'm suggesting here isn't that women who have HIV lack the qualities I found attractive in those I have dated in the past. What I'm saying is 1. I don't get to meet them. 2. The women I do meet are hardcore drug addicts and between about 12 of them, they could put together a full set of teeth. And 3. I'm not going to settle for dating HIV positive crack whores because they're the only HIV positive women I'm exposed to. I'm also not going to start dating the obese. I'm only going to date those who take care of their bodies, as well as their minds to a level that I feel is on par with how I take care of both my mind and body. That was what I was saying.
I appreciate the cheeky lecherous gay man comment though :)
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cadavers, wow, thats a new one on me, and i've been living with this a long time. not that i'm questioning it as i guess if it was being transfered through blood transfusions (how my deceased fiance got it) it makes sense that you could get it from cadaver bones.
but at 64, to be living with this secret is such a shame. life is too short, and for him, even shorter. these discussions were prominent in support groups of the 80's and 90's..... when to disclose to your kids. if he's 64 i have to assume his kids are adults by now. he doesn't think they are mature enough to deal with that info. i would think they would resent it more if he got real sick and died before they knew.
my feeling was i wanted to be the one to tell my son, not someone else. but at 10 years old, i was afraid he would share it with a friend who would blab it to his parents and then spread it around the community. i was a little league and babe ruth baseball coach for my sons teams and it really scared me that parents would find out back then and pull their kids from the team. again, this was in the late 80's/ early 90's.
because there was so little education about hiv back then, it was reasonable to assume disclosure would result in acts of discrimination and other unmentionables.
but damn it, we are now 25 years into this disease and people have had plenty of time to get educated, especially young people. my attitude now is that if you can accept the fact that i am no threat to you by now, then go get your ass educated and then come talk to me, you illiterate jerk!
it really saddens me hearing folks talk about not being comfortable enough with this illness that they cannot disclose to their families and loved ones. it is such a crime.
enough of that.
i do want to talk to the hetero ladies ( including bi's, betty), especially those with partners, about something of a personal nature. hope you all don't mind the question.
when my current wife and i first met, having sex for the first time with a positive person was like finally getting back to the way things were supposed to be. remember, this was pre-haart and, believe me, even if cross resistence was an issue back then, having sex for the first time without the fear of passing the virus was such a turn on.
my wife and i were very active sexually right up until we started taking protease inhibitors. within a few months we both noticed that are sex drive was getting weaker. for me it was like i started losing it in the legs, then the mind, and now altogether.
part of that has to do with the many lazor surgeries my wife has had to have (3) due to abnormal pap smears, a common occurence in poz women. i feel like my wife has experienced so much pain as a result of those surgeries that she has lost her willingness to have intercourse.
so i guess what i'm asking here is, did protease inhibitors reduce your sex drive as well, or do you think those surgeries have more to do with her losing interest? i think she's afraid that if we have intercourse it will bring on another episode and, as a result, another painfull surgery, so why risk it. am it right?
so in answer to the original question, how is it being hetero and having hiv, i say this....... i'm soon to be 57, fearing my days of being able to have intercourse are slowly slipping by, and despite the intense love i feel for my wife, i see no end in sight of that ever happening again. very sad!
am i happy about that aspect of being hetero with hiv? ....... lets just say i have never heard a gay male or seen a post by a gay male who ever mentioned having problems having sex. so, if i'm wrong here guys, feel free to put in your 2 cents.
kellyspoppi
Hey there Kellyspoppi
Well im a gay male and it's not an easy thing to tell anyone that you are having problems getting it up, male ego thing I guess. But in the last year since I found out it has gone down hill, I talked to my doctor and it all comes down to stress, and for me guilt and feeling tainted all adds to the mix in the pot.
So that's my 2 cents worth...lol....
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Wow, its odd that I've missed out on this thread. I'm a 20 year old college student, straight, white, HIV+ male. I've shouted to the moon all of the exact things that you've all said here.
I'm not able to tell anyone. Period. I'm even afraid of someone seeing me when I'm going to the ID doc. I don't go to support groups for the same reason. Sometimes its weird being around family and friends and not saying anything, for my infection is often the center of my thoughts. It adds a whole 'nother degree of difficulty to having HIV. On top of that, I've got a prescription sitting here that I've gotta fill for the first time.
Anyway, its been great to see that HIV+, straight, females do exist....Maybe one day I can meet one!
And to whomever had the sneaking suspicion that the straight, white, positive people were hiding.....I'm one of them..
I'm gonna crawl back into my HIV cave now, and hide from all the neggies. Goodnight.
Hey Jack
Totally understand where you are coming from, Im 42 and for many of us that are gay and speaking for myself have already been in that dark cave just hidding the fact that I was gay and though it took many years to finally come out to other gay people and a handfull of straight friends, I still hide that Im gay to most, Hiv just drives me deeper into that dark cave. It's a double yammy.
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Yet as EnglishGirl mentions in her post, I would not assume that what you have experienced is a standard practise for all gay men. Cheers,
Mauricio.
[/quote]
Hey UpAllnight
I am sorry to hear of the negative experiences that you have had, I too have not been to any type of support group, but trust me, it is not typical of all gay men.
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I'm also not going to start dating the obese. I'm only going to date those who take care of their bodies, as well as their minds to a level that I feel is on par with how I take care of both my mind and body. That was what I was saying.
Up,
Considering that the hiv meds can really do a number on a person's body, you might end up being quite lonely with that sort of attitude. I know quite a few women on the meds who have a hell of a time keeping their weight down - because of the meds, not because they don't take care of their bodies. Hiv meds can really disfigure a person. Can I suggest you look at the personality before you reject someone who is overweight?
I don't mean this to be an attack on you, by the way, I just wanted to point out that not all positive women who are heavy are that way because they're not taking care of their body.
Good luck mate, I hope you find a special someone to share your life with someday. Don't sell yourself short by dismissing someone who has a weight problem without getting to know them first - it just may be a result of the meds.
Ann
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What I'm suggesting here isn't that women who have HIV lack the qualities I found attractive in those I have dated in the past. What I'm saying is 1. I don't get to meet them. 2. The women I do meet are hardcore drug addicts and between about 12 of them, they could put together a full set of teeth. And 3. I'm not going to settle for dating HIV positive crack whores because they're the only HIV positive women I'm exposed to. I'm also not going to start dating the obese. I'm only going to date those who take care of their bodies, as well as their minds to a level that I feel is on par with how I take care of both my mind and body. That was what I was saying.
I'm curious. What sort of places do you hang out in? If the only positive women you’re meeting are "hard core drug addicts" and "whores", I mean…
Maybe you need to choose alternative places to socialize, if possible.
If everything you wrote above is true and you really do want to meet someone who has all the qualities you desire (which is absolutely your prerogative), and there don’t seem to be any such women where you are, and you’re not comfortable trying to meet someone from online, then you may well have to broaden your horizons where you socialize or even up sticks and move.
Extreme? Perhaps. Impossible? Why, no siree.
Most things are achievable if we’re not too afraid to make changes. Just saying.
Melia :)
PS: Bear in mind what Ann said too. She's an owl that one (as in wise old bird :D...just kidding hon...don't give me a TO!). I have some fabulous friends, male and female (negative and positive) who are beautiful in every sense of the word. Beauty isn't only skin deep.
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Regarding Up` s post :
Maybe he just want to say that it is hard to find HIV+ woman because they are( I think )more scared than we males are .Also if they have contracted virus in hetero way a majority would have their eyebrows raised with Q : " What kind of nasty thing did you do in past ?"..........
......... forgetting that someone could catch a virus in some ways that could be just a bad luck : blood transfusion ( due to a hemophilia or some accident), or hetero relationship with a person who hide " his skeletons in a closet" .............but public opinion would not believe such a thing especially in a countries where prevalence of high risk group`s is > 90-95 %
2 Cc
Al
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Kellispoppy, I tried to find your question but I am not sure where it was, can you ask again?
Sasa, regarding what the doc told your wife, that may have been maliscious, but I have heard the same thing (& my negative BF has been told the same thing) and we took it to mean: you two can have safe sex, and the virus will not be transmitted. I would check if this is what the doctor meant and whether he was trying to encourage your wife to sustain your marriage. Maybe I am naiive, I say this based only on my own experience....
I used to think "oh if only i were a gay man" when I was diagnosed, and that people considered me a slut (back then I thought I may have been infected by one of the 3 guys I had unprotected sex with). But, I think the "better to be gay" thing is highly indivudual. Probably better to be gay and poz in NYC or London or Amsterdam, because there is a large gay community, with a large percentage of poz people, and gays are accepted in society. What I see where I am from, from being active on HIV forums, neg gays are absolutely horrible to poz gays (you see posts such as "rot away and die" and things in that vein, beleive it or not). Why? because gays are generally not accepted, a large part of society is outright homophobic (and racist, and chauvinist), and so I suppose the poz gays reallt threaten the self-image of the neg gays. So right now I am happy being a woman (not that it mattered if I was happy or not since I can't do nothing about it).
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I have been reading post after post and finally decicded to add my two cents. I dont think dating is any different then it was before I became poz. Of course I had a lot of sex back then but now just ease my mind and do it when she wants to. My GF is very attactive and she understands condoms and lube must always be used but she wanted to continue dating me b4 I became poz. We actually had sex during my serconversion luckily she is negative, thank god. Now I am home from college in her town and we still talk on the phone and arrange meetings half-way.
It is hard being surrounded by homo- men in all the dating/chatting sites but they went through the sorst of pandemic and they deserve props.
If there are any poz women here that want to email me they can do so @ john.young@park.edu Re: AIDSMEDS and I will reply. It is always nice to talk with others living with this.
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I'm curious. What sort of places do you hang out in? If the only positive women you’re meeting are "hard core drug addicts" and "whores", I mean…
Maybe you need to choose alternative places to socialize, if possible.
I know it seems crazy that I would only be meeting women who fall into this category but it's not because I'm hanging out in skid row, or loitering in shooting galleries. I live in Vancouver, BC. As most people don't know, Vancouver is the worst place in the whole of the western world for HIV infections from IV drug use. If you're interested in seeing how truly terrible it is, go to www.google.com and look up "downtown east side." That should help to give you an idea of who most of the people in Vancouver (who aren't gay) are who are accessing HIV services.
Relocation is seeming like the best remedy to my situation but my family is out here and it's been really great having them so close...
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White married ,middle aged male. Nobody except my wife and the doctor/clinic workers know. Not my employer (I had my annual physical today and I lied on the forms and to the company doc. about any conditions/and/or meds.) My two kids don't know (living at home 20 & 18 yrs old) none of my p
family or friends know. I hope to take this secret to my grave.
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Hey southernmetro:
I hope you find the support you need. This can be a very lonely path trying to walk it alone. :-*
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Relocation is seeming like the best remedy to my situation but my family is out here and it's been really great having them so close...
I can totally relate to what you're saying about your family. And I hope you didn't mind me asking what I asked. I think most decisions are about prioritizing. I said this in a post in another thread that when faced with a decision, it often comes down to weighing up the pros against the cons and seeing which list is longer. As crass as that sounds, sometimes that's what it takes.And whatever decision we end up making, we rarely end up with absolutely everything we want. Yep, reality sometimes sucks.
Wishing you the best with your endeavours.
Melia
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Hello All, long time no post from me! I'm a straight positive Male living in SA, I've been poz for 11.5 years and have yet to meet another straight pozitive male and have only met 2 poz females in SA, and both of them were through a website, and they both lived 1000kms away anyway.
There is VERY little in support groups of any sort here (especially Durban). Most poz people keep it to themselves which I did for the first 2 years, but now everybody that knows me knows my status, as do all my family members to, and no one has ever had a problem with it, altho I'm sure those that do not know me very well but do know my status have made assumptions as to how I got it!!
Even tho SA has one of the highest hiv rates in the world it does not make it any easier as the same assumptions are made here of hiv+ people, and amoungst both blacks and whites.... actually black people have it worse as there have been cases of hiv+ black people being cast out by their community, or indeed own family, and sometime ago even being stoned !!!
I have found dating extremely difficult, since being open about my status I have noticed I am not even considered dating material by negative women, despite having many really good female friends..... I've even heard the "I wish you weren't positive" line a few times.
BUT, I have finally met someone who is also positive and we have spent a lot of time together recently... even tho she does now live in the UK she longs to come home to South Africa and we hope to make that happen somehow, but NO National Health here is a prob and she would lose her National Health cover if she leaves the UK. (we were both originally born there but grew up and lived in SA most our lives)
Anyway, just wanted to say how I totally relate to what many have said... and I would love to walk into a support group for ALL hiv+ People and to socialize with others who understand how I feel. To whoever thought SA might be better, I'd think again, hiv Stigma is very alive and well here!!
Cheers
Peter B
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I dont understand the very negative attitude towards gay men, from a general tolerance perspective as well as from an HIV angle. Its because of the fight that gay men and women have conducted for over 20 years that those of us gay or straight who have this disease, can live more or less normal lives. Its because of the gay community that we have the support groups, education, medical research and programs that I and others like me have the meds that allow me to live and work and play and laugh.
I live in Vancouver and its a wonderful city. Its not where you live but how you live. Life is short, energy is best spent positively.
"and I use quotes to try and make the emphasis that some have this virus as the result of non-heterosexual activities in the past, but who otherwise lead straight lives"
This is something that really irritates me about gay men. This was posted in this thread and in another thread where a gay man asked heterosexuals how they were coping, it was suggested that they must have gotten it from a gay experience somewhere hidden deep in their closets of the past. It's catty, immature and disrespectful. If someone says they're straight, then they're straight and you are in no place to question whether or not that's true.
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I'm sure those that do not know me very well but do know my status have made assumptions as to how I got it!!
Sorry this just makes my blood boil: a HIV rate over 20%, a denialist government and no national health scheme, and you still need to worry about people sticking their nose in your business!
Take good care and lots of luck with your relationship,
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Naftalim,
I don't think anyone likes their sexuality questioned whatever category you identify with or shade of grey inbetween you may or may not inhabit. I'll be the first to say I owe my life to the gay community. My therapist right after I got this was gay, and I'm almost certain my doctor is gay but I've never asked as it doesn't seem all that relevant. Nonetheless, I have had gay hiv+ men question my sexuality and I think it was a bit shocking as it was the last group I expected to receive judgement from. I don't think anyone here is saying all gay men are like this, but we are discussing prejudices we encounter and it is a real impression that exists. We expect your average straight person who hasn't a clue about HIV/AIDS to be judgemental, but we don't really expect that from your average gay person.
Anyway, I think this site is proof enough that there are plenty of non-judgemental gay men out there, which is why I keep hanging around.
Peter B,
I found your post very interesting and a bit shocking that this sort of stigma persists in South Africa of all places. And I've had negative women say some strange stuff to me too (roll eyes).
best,
brian
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Peter i am so shocked and disappointed to find that things are that bad in SA. i had this nice - and clearly way off the mark - vision that SA would be a lot more understanding and tolerant simply because of the numbers of +ve folks there. i am very saddened to know that this is not the case. thank you for posting and i wish you all the best.
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We expect your average straight person who hasn't a clue about HIV/AIDS to be judgemental, but we don't really expect that from your average gay person.
Whyever not? Gay men and lesbians are prone to all the same sorts of prejudices that any other group are. Some of the most obnoxiously racist people I've ever encountered have been white gay men. Not to mention mysogynistic.
It's called being human.
MtD
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Well, no doubt Matty, but you'd think that if someone has been persecuted and judged for being gay they wouldn't turn around and do the same to someone else. That is why. I don't think being attracted to one's own sex automatically endows someone with enlightenment, this is for sure. But I think some of the more open minded people I've met were either gay or transgendered in some way, and it is precisely because of the crap they've had to deal with from others judging them all too often.
brian
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Well, no doubt Matty, but you'd think that if someone has been persecuted and judged for being gay they wouldn't turn around and do the same to someone else. That is why.
Well Brian, you'd think lots of the things, but it don't make 'em so. Very often persecuted groups turn around and exercise exactly the same sort of power over others that has been exercised over them.
Like I said, it's called being human.
MtD
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As I read this post I am struck by a number of themes that seem to run through it and I would simply like to offer the following as food for thought.
Until you learn to stop labeling people, you will always find yourself at odds with another's view of themselves, because each of us are so unique. Unless you can accept that we all have HIV, no matter how we contracted it and accept each of us based on this simple truth, you will find yourself constantly focusing on the wrong part of people.
So many of you lament what your local ASOs lack and I have to ask each of you: When was the last time you advocated for increased funding and services??? If you voted Republican in the past two elections you are directly responsible for the underfunding of HIV services in America for the last 6 years. The Republican-controlled Congress is more interested in protecting our oil interests overseas than they will ever be about caring for pozzies. What did you think would happen when the party so many of you elected used the "gay" card to help win the elections?. If they hate gays so much (and they loath us) why would you think they would properly fund HIV services, when HIV is still considered a "gay" disease. Saddest of all, is that even after 4 years of underfunding HIV services, over half of America still voted to let these people continue to kill AMERICANS with HIV, by denying the basic care that all pozzies need.
So rather than complaining about what you do not have, get off your duffs and make some waves. One person can make a huge difference and all it takes is that you care enough to do something, ANYTHING. This is what is known as empowerment and there is absolutely no reason that a new legion of AIDS activists could not arise to once again demand the HIV services that are so desperately needed.
My last thought would be to encourage some of you to look deeper for the true meaning of life. Beauty is only skin deep and fades with time and ugly is to the bone. Try to stop looking to fall in "lust" and instead try to make a friend that may represent a real future for you. Take the time to look and learn what makes a person truly desirable. Looks are fine, but the person really had little to do with that, as we are all a product of the genetic lottery. What matters is how the person uses their talents and abilities to become a well rounded human being. Stop insisting on the "perfect" mate, because perfection does not exist, nor are you perfect and if you cannot learn to adapt to others foibles in life, then I suspect you will be a very lonely person.
Above all, many of you need to stop the pity party. I do not say this to be mean, rather to be realistic. Yes having HIV sucks, it screwed the hell out of your life and at times you wonder if all this crap is even worth the effort. However, the bottom line is you have HIV and since that will never change, you must decide on how you will live your life from here on out. You can wallow in self-pity and I guarantee you will become like some of my acquaintances who have allowed themselves to become bitter and miserable people, because they will not take responsibility for their own life.
It is your life and you control your own destiny. You can ignore that truth and plod through life, or you can accept that truth and harness your energy to chart your own course. Only you can decide if you will lead, follow, or just wander aimlessly. It really is that simple.
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We expect your average straight person who hasn't a clue about HIV/AIDS to be judgemental, but we don't really expect that from your average gay person.
Whyever not? Gay men and lesbians are prone to all the same sorts of prejudices that any other group are. Some of the most obnoxiously racist people I've ever encountered have been white gay men.
MtD
I know that is so true! I think the cattiest conversation I've ever had was with two white drag queens.
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stigma is stigma whether its gay stigma or HIV or any other type of stigma....
stigma is Fear that is expressed often in different levels of manifestation.
and to be honest, because of our good world leaders, and society .....a heterosexual person, get both, the gay stigma and the HIV stigma.....which means, no ones better than another just because of thier preferences, thier incomes, etc....until the world is shown something different, expect the same from them to continue*
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Thanks to everyone who responded to this topic. While it is unfortunate so many of us feel isolated it is somwhat comforting to know that I am not the only one. The dating/relationship thing has been the most difficult aspect of this for me. I am very healthy and expect to live a long time. I work, pay my bills, have good credit, look good, ect. ect. and it is very frustrating to be having such a hard time meeting people. Has anyone else found the internet dating thing to be a real zoo?? I have been on a few sites for a while but find only 6 or 7 women in my area (Minneapolis) . I know there are at liest hundreds of us around here. Where are they all. Then there is the large number of frauds on the sites who say they are from the U.S. and then say they are in Africa on business or something and want money. Their pictures are not evern real. I think that this is very unfair. Some sites have done a pretty good job of blocking these types. I went to a local agency today that helps hiv infected people with many things. They have no knowledge of a hetero group in this area. I am considering starting one my self. If anyone reading feels the same as I do feel free to email me. It would be good to make some new friends and get different perspectives on this subject. John. jlongman05@msn.com
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Wow. This has unfolded into such an interesting thread (and not just because it’s managed to lure some more heterosexual positive folk out of the closet… :P).
I've been following it for several days and there were lots of comments that I was ready to respond to. And I know that essentially the thread question was about heterosexuals and how they live with HIV. And some really interesting points have been raised.
However, in the end (and since I last posted in this thread), this is what stood out most to me (especially for those of you who aren’t seeing what you want to see, in terms of HIV support groups or services etc and for those of you struggling with your demons):
So rather than complaining about what you do not have, get off your duffs and make some waves. One person can make a huge difference and all it takes is that you care enough to do something, ANYTHING.
Hear hear, Joe! And this approach can be applied to any situation, not just the state of HIV services et al. For a long time now I have been of the mindset: If you are not prepared to be a part of the change you wish to see, then you have no right bitching about the changes that are not happening. It’s the same principle for people who can but don’t use their vote; if you don’t vote, then don’t complain about the things your government fail to improve.
Don’t forget, people: It has only been about 80 years since all women were allowed the right to vote. But women had to fight for that right for about 100 years and it wasn’t an easy battle.
How long do you think the atrocious state of affairs for people living with and dying from HIV/AIDS will be allowed to continue, if the majority of us just continue to sit back and let it do so?
Above all, many of you need to stop the pity party. I do not say this to be mean, rather to be realistic. Yes having HIV sucks, it screwed the hell out of your life and at times you wonder if all this crap is even worth the effort. However, the bottom line is you have HIV and since that will never change, you must decide on how you will live your life from here on out. You can wallow in self-pity and I guarantee you will become like some of my acquaintances who have allowed themselves to become bitter and miserable people, because they will not take responsibility for their own life.
It is your life and you control your own destiny. You can ignore that truth and plod through life, or you can accept that truth and harness your energy to chart your own course. Only you can decide if you will lead, follow, or just wander aimlessly. It really is that simple.
Joe, you took the words right out of my mouth.
Melia
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Facts :
Quote myself :
1.The hospital condition there are horrible – like a “Fly over a coockoo nest “ . Only 3 doctors with more than a 500 active-on therapy , and 1200 occasionaly paccients , lausy food , 22 beds WITH ONLY 4 SHEETY TOILETS AND ONE BATHROOM , lousy windows and radiators , 50 % of patients are a intravenous drug users , who have their fix even in a dining room , lot of steeling , ……………….and medical sisters who doesn`t care too much due to a poor wages……………………………
2.And because I don`t have a job I could not go anywhere else out of my country - my country is notorious due to a war state in a past 15 years and every country wants a visa to go in ,and it is hard to get it without a job.
3.I`m socially secured thru my wife and she is working in an Institute where anybody wants to KNOW EVERYTHING about ENYBODY.At the top of that from the next year all citizens must have a social card with a bar-code so that everyone could see what kind of ilness they have due to a fact that a information about my ilness are not restricted in my country.
4.My wife is now-and-then with her parents and her brother and his wife and she is been questioning all the time about me...................
5.OVERHERE 99% OF PRIVATE PRACTICIONERS/DOCTORS DO NOT WANNA MESS UP WITH hiv+ BECAUSE THEY WOULD LOOSE THEIR NORMAL PATIENTS IF A RUMOUR SPREAD UP....................sorry about the caps ......did not ment to be unpolite..........
6.Social funds were stolen and consumed for a private purposes, and no one was brough to trial for that.
7. There is a shortage of supply of medicine drugs , and some of it are a pure SF to us .....(Procrit , PCP nebulizer......last HAART generation ) ,and also a applied technology devices ( CT scan....)
8.We do get a money but no one knows for shure where that money ends
http://www.thebody.com/cdc/news_updates_archive/2006/nov8_06/global_fund_serbia.html (http://www.thebody.com/cdc/news_updates_archive/2006/nov8_06/global_fund_serbia.html)
or worse we do not get any money or drugs because our goverment does nor five a damn about HIV (our state healht ministry was in N.Y just at the time when a global HIV conference was held in Oct. but he did not want to be present.Or worse we do not get a money because of quarreling between the officals..........or because we did not srrested our war criminals which has been prosecuted by the Hague tribunal.
And in two supporting groups , there are kids (neggies ) who automatically direct you to your GP.
9.A some few years ago almost all of Serbian hemophiliacs were infected with HIV due to a import of contaminated African blood (government was avoiding to import blood from moresecured countries due to a higher prices )
Instead of suing the state , all of them were advised to shut up , because nobody would believe them without proper evidences.
10.And a recent news: a Supreme court Of the State of Serbia was obligated to pay a 14000E~ 17000$ to a mother .That mother HIV+ was prohibited to see her only child for a period of 8 years , just because she is + http://www.blic.co.yu/hronika.php?id=347 (http://www.blic.co.yu/hronika.php?id=347)
11.Shortage of medicine supply and stopping it when your CD is round 500-600( 250 two years ago). By that I mean not just HAART shortage but also other medicine like Fluconazole , and some newest treatments are a SF to us over here.
12.Poor overall medical state ( I was yesterday in the control and a doctor was talking to a colleague how to provide a pension for a certain patient with 30 years of working , removed spleen , diabetes and HIV because the commission would not admit that he has enough reasons to go for an disability pension )
13.There is NO gracefull death for us in Serbia because in a two-million city of Belgrade there is a shortage of intensive health care bed departments due to a wasted social funds.
And that kind of beds with lung-heart machine or oxygen are always reserved for the people with cardiac diseases , or a stroke , or cancer , or for some local (or state) politician..............we are at the clear end of a line.................................
14.Until three years ago there was a refunding period for drugs overhere meaning :
If you wanna be cured you have to pay ~ 35000 euro ~ 42000 dollars at your first year , and then after 12 months that money would be given to you by social insurance , but always with a loss due to a inflation.
And if you did not have the money..............lots of previous patients have sold their houses to be cured for the first year.......................and believe me it is true also.................
15.There is a kid HIV+ who attends a school near us.He is alone in his class and school dep. has changed all waterpipes in school to a electronically controlled because of him.He has no frends at all.
16.http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=10875.msg134904#msg134904 (http://forums.poz.com/index.php?topic=10875.msg134904#msg134904)
17.Quote a letter from a dear friend two months ago :
"I met a man from Serbia online. He is gay, and said he wanted desperately to meet someone from the U.S.A. so that he could possibly develop a strong relationship with and move to this country. His reason was because he said his country is very anti-gay, and full of hate for gay people. He also said how bad the medical care is for HIV people. He described many of the same conditions that you have. It is difficult for me to imagine that life is like this for people in other countries. I am very blessed to be living here. Some people here think they have it bad. They just do not know how lucky they really are. "
18.VL and CD4 device are broken , no resistance test
19.In Serbia a goverment is already in fear of a collapsed social system : not to mention who would be first to strike if it come true.They have already printed a donation bills along with comunal ones for all households to donate for a fight against AIDS .Minute later they have ended in garbage can with famous reply :
" Damn ******* , They have got what they have deserved.I got a kids to look after , not to give them........., or I`m going to save that money when I`m ill"
20.Stigma overhere is enormous.
There was a man Ivan Radojicich who was attempting something like fighting the system and public opinion, but seeing what is happening ( his little daughter although she is - , was enforced to give a blood test for a 4 times...............by other parents in a kindergarten),he had to stand off the fight and now he only lead an radio emission on miner local radio at Thursday from 2-4 AM ...........................
Do you want more ?
Now before anyone said that I`m doing pity party or that I`m not trying hard without booze , recreational drugs , or else, I `m inviting him to come and be my guest here for a month and see if it is true or not.
I have great respect and admiration for all LTS overhere , but I just do not know how I`m alive due to all that facts.........
I would give all that I could go freely out and said : " FU I have AIDS so what? "But due to my children I cannot do that..............
Al
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here here melia & killfoile,
this is my second time trying to make this post >:(
it is great to hear others making the same kind of statements i have been making when it comes to advocasy. recently another member asked me to start a thread on aids activism forum about "getting involved" so that those that wanted could have a source of organizations in their state that they could contact. that was my purpose, however the response has been weak. apparently no one goes to this forum unless they are bored :-\!
anyway, my motto for the past 13 years of advocasy has been "what services are going to be around when i need them?" from the moment i got connected to my ryan white network, i found myself empowered with the belief that i could make a difference in my own dservices as well as others. now i sit on the board of my ASO & aids treatment center. that helps to further my points when doing legislative visits both in my state and in DC.
sooner or later folks need to wake up and understand that things are changing with services, and not for the best. and it is coming sooner than they think, just with regard to transportation services. i wonder how folks will feel the first time they want to take that cab to a support group meeting and their ASO won't approve it anymore. or when they want to get a bus token for a case manager appointment (limited support services) just to talk to him/her about medicare part D questions they have, and the agency won't provide it.
life is about choices folks! WAKE UP!
kellyspoppi
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hello, thank you for your question
gotta say my experience is of being the odd one out. where i live in england (and i suspect elsewhere as well) it is as if there are no other white heterosexuals out there. in some ways i blame the fact that they are all hiding somewhere, but actually i wonder if there are any others out there! i think it's probably quite likely that people who are at risk think they are not because they are heterosexual, and i have spoken to doctors about not making this assumption too.
i can count the number of + white heterosexuals i know on one hand. i have met some wonderful + gay guys and i am so grateful for them for just being there, but although that they have been there as much as they can for me it is strange not having anyone 'like me' around. i had a conversation in a gay bar on saturday where a -ve gay guy asked me as i was straight why was i in there, and i replied that it was because i felt less of a minority in there as a + person, even tho i had no idea whether anyone else in the bar was + or not the cultural view of me in there was gonna be less that i was 'typhoid mary'. sadly tho even in that bar i think i am the only publicly + person some of those young guys know. and i think that the denial of this disease hitting all of us is getting worse among young gay guys as well as straight people.
i feel my sense of isolation getting worse... hiv support services in my area have just been awarded to the black health initiative (which is mainly a support network for refugees and asylum seekers) so i think that the chances of any new + white heterosexuals deciding to try to access services is greatly reduced. at a meeting recently i have never felt so isolated. it was a crazy situation where the room divided between gays and the token heteros, and the immigrants. basically every time we said anything we were accused of being racist. it was really upsetting and i felt like i never want to access any services ever again as i felt so victimised. and my gay friends felt the same.
there are so many of us with this thing with so many different needs that sometimes the limits on the support and funds becomes devisive. although i have never felt anything but welcome by the gay community i now fear a split in the uk along race lines. the needs of us who have jobs and health service are completely different from those who have real concerns that they will be deported or homeless or have language difficulties. unfortunately in that room it appeared that some thought there was not room for both of us. i'm not entirely sure why, but i would hazard a guess that it was thought by some that we (whites) had no problems compared to theirs. which is a shame because we should all be supporting each other.
the other thing about being hetero and + is that it is sooooo difficult to date. i disclose on a first date if i want a second date, but havent had much luck. also as i am 'out' to a lot of people it would take a brave person to go out with me knowing that others knew my status. that having been said, i wasnt exactly overrun with guys before my diagnosis so things havent changed that much! i havent had a long term relationship since my diagnosis and i am still unsure whether i want one, and if so with a + or a -. am just gonna wait and see what happened, cant say it rules my life.
so, apologies for a bit of a long-winded response to your question. in short, for me being hetero and + is maybe a bit more lonely in a big city in a social sense than being gay and + as it's harder to meet others, but if you have lots of lovely friends (which i do) then it is ok. i dont think that my experience is any more isolating than a lot of people have experienced being gay and + in a rural area. i do worry now though about those newly diagnosed or in denial. i dont think they know where to go where i live. hopefully they will find out about this wonderfult site!!
apologies again for the long answer
love
xxx
I understand completely :(. The only support groups i have been able to go to here in atlanta have been like 30 blacks and me and 1 other caucasion with me being the only hetero that i could tell. They do seem to think being a caucasion hetero we have life on a silver platter :s. Its not the case we are all sufferring the same fate and and uncertainty :(. I have wanted to start something for us hetero caucasions but it would get shut down for discrimination here in the US :(
Anyway i just wanted to sound off and say u arent alone. Stay strong and never give up the fight i guess. I personally welcome the end myself but thats another story :((
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This is an old topic, but I went through it again.
I have to admit that when I was first diagnosed, I wanted to join a support group, and went to the BCPWA (British Columbia Persons with Aids) Society meetings. I even signed up for a retreat that they do every year ( I was supposed to go with a female hetero friend, who bailed) so I did not go either as it was too soon post diagnosis for me.
However, i did go to one of the evenings at the BCPWA but did not stay long. I think I was the only hetero male there. I did not feel comfortable I have since then gone to one other event, with this female friend who has been poz for a long time, and she knew a lot of people there so it was more comfortable for me as well. Now that its been 2 years for me, I would feel more cpmfortable So I guess what I am saying is that going into a primarily gay group so early after diagnoses might have been too soon. I needed to get settled with the disease in my life first.
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Stache,
My husbdand has just found out that he is positive and just started meds. I am negitive. When we first found out I was quite shocked. But I just told myself that what is done is done and you can not change the past. If there was anytime in our relationship that he truely needed me this is the time. I love my husband and even with his faults. We all have faults and we all make mistakes. I would have to say that I am his support as most of our friends do not know and none of our family knows other then me. I get my support from this forum. We have our best friends that know and they are great. I am actually looking for someone that I can talk to on yahoo messanger that I can talk to without having to wait on responces from the forum but I just dont know anyone. I was hoping there would be a group or something on there but I cant find one. I dont know if it is different in the gay community as you say but Im sure it probably is. I have learned that the gay community is more open and understanding then a "straight" community is.
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worried wife,
well my wife and i are both positive so i don't know if we represent the kind of support from the heterosexual community you're looking for, but we are here for you just the same.
i know after my fiance passed in 1989, i was in your husbands shoes while trying to date negative women. there sure are allot of responcibilities to consider when being with a negative partner, and the pressure to make sure when having sex that all opportunities are safe can be overwhelming.
the difference though for me was that i had the choice to keep relationships going or not, where you folks are married. but whether you are married or not, to be responcible for passing this virus on to another, especially your loved one, is not something we poz's take lightly.
so i just want you to know that here in the forums there are hetero's who will support you and help you in any way we can.
i'm sorry this happened in your marriage but it is not the end of the world. please do your best to communicate your feelings & fears to one another, and love will find a way. ;D
kellyspoppi
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Hey i already talked to her and turns out we are both in Ga so i was able to tell her of a place or 2. 1 in particular that has saved my life and i dont mean medically i mean psychologically ;D
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Thank you Kelli and you to David :)
Kelli, To me it doesnt matter who I get support from, gay, straight, married, single. To me it is the fact that there are people out there that support me in the decision I made to support my husband. That is really what I need. I dont want to ever get to the point that I regret the choice I made about all of this. The people that I talk to in here make me feel great about my choice to stand by my husband and not run away like a scared chicken. I am scared but there is a difference between being scared and just being selfish. I am trying to do not only what is best for me and my family but also for my husband. I know he needs me and appreciates me and that is what I am focusing on.
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I am scared but there is a difference between being scared and just being selfish.
Worriedwife I was POZ and married for 20 years and my wife was fine (NEG) the whole time.
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That is amazing :o :o
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Hello hetero woman here. I think the hardest thing is the dating aspect. I'm in a relationship with a man who was infected. Its a bumpy relationship as you might have read in some of my other posts. We go through the on again/off again periods so I have tried dating. (We are in the "off again" currently). It is very difficult when I get to that point when your ready to move onto the next step and I reveal that I tested positive. I get left in the dust which is really painful obviously. It happened a few times.
As far as support systems, I have great faith,family, friends, co-workers and this site which keeps me sane.
My sister and her partner were really strong pillars in the beginning. She was one of the first people I told and she went with me to my first doctor's visit. She also had a lot of people get in touch with me from the gay community who are infected. They became a new extension of family. I was really honored, for some people their status was confidential, but put their trust in me because they wanted me to know that I was not alone.
Sorry, can't answer the sex drive question regarding meds since I am not on them.
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hey camille,
just got to say i really understood your comments about the way it felt when you disclose and then watch the rug catch fire as the feet burn rubber on their way out the door. just has to be the worst feeling in the world.
but keep your chin up, and please don't settle for just anyone. maintain your values and priorities you expect in a mate. the best is yet to come.
besides, your a jersey girl, probably beach bronzed to the max. i will be down in ocean city 7/9 just to get rejuvenated by that jersey shore. maybe we'll cross paths.
kellyspoppi
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In my case, I actually had my best friend (straight and married) disclose to the small circle of friends, all of whom are straight, that we have who meet on a fairly regular basis. I knew that she would handle it well and she did. Its interesting in that I have "friends" from other parts of my life (the athletic one) that I cannot disclose to at all.