need advice- new relationship w/ poz guy

[split2125]

hi all-

I have read through the strings here and while I feel slightly better, I still cannot shake the anxiety I have.  I am a gay man and I just recently met a guy who is just...wow.  I can feel myself falling for him already.  However, he told me yesterday that he is POZ.  My knee-jerk reaction was that it doesn't bother me and that it wouldn't stop me from pursuing a relationship with him.  I mean...I have quite a few friends who are like him- positive but on meds and undetectable.  So I thought at first that ya...no big deal.

But then the anxiety creeped in.  Could I really deal with this?  Could I deal with potentially never having the spontaneous (albeit risky) sex that makes for a spicy relationship?   I am 99% a top (insertive) and so I know that my chances are lessened and that his being undetectable also makes my chances extremely low.  But I still cant shake this anxiety. I don't want to break it off with him but I am in extremely uncharted waters for me.  What can I do to increase my comfort with all of this while also being safe?  And what kind of behavior is considered too risky?  I enjoy oral sex- both on the penis and the anus.  Is that considered too risky to do with someone even if they are undetectable (especially on the anus)?  He is the most incredible guy I have ever met but I just cant shake this anxiety.  Help?

[Jeff G]

Hi Split , HIV is acquired from ....
Sharing IV drug needles immediately after use.
Unprotected anal and vaginal sex.
Mother to child during or shortly after birth
Very specific healthcare situations.

There have been no fewer than three separate serodiscordant couples studies (where one person is HIV positive, the other negative.) These couples were tracked for three. five and ten years. The couples used condoms for penetrative vaginal and anal sex, but NO BARRIER at all for oral sex. Any kind of oral sex.

These studies yielded NO infections.

Im sure many others will give you excellent advice as well but I wanted to leave you with this thought . The protected sex you will enjoy with your new BF is the same protected sex that you would enjoy with any other person you just met if you are to remain HIV negative . Give yourself time and educate yourself and see where your feelings take you later down the road .

   

[mecch]

But then the anxiety creeped in.  Could I really deal with this?  Could I deal with potentially never having the spontaneous (albeit risky) sex that makes for a spicy relationship?   I am 99% a top (insertive) and so I know that my chances are lessened and that his being undetectable also makes my chances extremely low.  But I still cant shake this anxiety. I don't want to break it off with him but I am in extremely uncharted waters for me.  What can I do to increase my comfort with all of this while also being safe? 

Read the info Jeff G put out.  Have sex with a condom.  Maybe if you fall in love and are together quite awhile, you might even lose the condom - but thats down the road a bit. 
Dump your silly conception of the spontaneous risky sex acts that make a relationship spicy. WTF?
So, since you are able to live in a fact-based world, and act accordingly, you can accept your anxiety is irrational and go forward.  If you can't get a grip, please leave Mr. Wonderful alone until you can chill out.

[split2125]

thank you jeff.  i never really thought of it that way...that sex with him with protection would be the same as sex with protection that i normally have.  that perspective did actually help quite a bit.  sometimes things you know already, said in the right way, can make a lightbulb go off.  i am going to try with him because hes worth it and we want the same things in life.  hopefully i can keep my anxiety in check and i have already talked to him about it and asked for a bit of hand-holding through it all.  are there any support type groups for situations like mine?  i think i will always be a bit worried but if i get tested regularly and use condoms i can hopefully abate most of that worry. 

and yes, i know its a wtf moment on my "spicy" comment but i suppose i just should have said unprotected sex since condoms are not something i tend to think about having to use for the rest of my life with a committed monogomous relationship.  but hes worth the compromise.  thanks for the replies.  i think just knowing being crazy in this helps me.

[Jeff G]

You are welcome Split . If it helps any , many of us on the forum have husbands and wives that are HIV negative and have remained so .

What you are going through is an understandable reaction so don't beat yourself up , you cant be blamed for not being able to wrap your head around something you don't fully understand . Now that you have begun to gather the facts about HIV it should take the edge off of your anxiety .   

[Ann]

Split, I would suggest that you go to a doctor appointment with him to talk about the possibility of you going on Truvada as PrEP. It means taking a pill every day, but it also means that between his undetectable viral load and your use of PrEP, you'd be more likely to find a winning lottery ticket lying on your front doorstep than you would be to end up poz, with or without condoms.

With him being undetectable, you not wearing a condom for topping would be highly unlikely to get you infected. Bottoming is more risky though, but not by a whole lot. This is without PrEP.

Don't worry about oral - it's only a risk when the person you're blowing has a very high viral load and you've got bad oral health. With his UD VL, it's a non-issue.