I had just emerged from depression.

[kumquatgarden]

Hey guys...first, want to say I never considered that there would be an HIV community online so to find this forum has been very comforting. (I can't believe how ignorant I was to HIV prior to a few days ago)

This is kind of long but..I will allow myself to get out whatever needs to come out, in order to respect my natural coping process. i actually am considering it like a grieving process...I don't know if that's common for newly diagnosed people?

So, I'm almost 22. Since the age of 16 I have been severely depressed and suicidal on and off.
I started taking Wellbutrin about 2 months ago and it has allowed my mental health to blossom as I never imagined it could. I finally have a stable place to live, a job I enjoy, and secure and enjoyable prospects for my near-future. I realized that is is mostly my own self limiting beliefs that have been keeping me from pursuing my dreams.

And then 3 days ago, I learned I am HIV+. I'm a straight woman, only ever been with 1 man, and have only been with him for 8 months now. He has cheated on me consistently throughout our relationship, and had been promiscuous for a long time before we met.

So now it's like my newfound optimism and goals for my future are utterly void and dead.
Something I feel that is essential to my happiness, is having a beautiful relationship with a life partner. This faith that I will find my life partner has been a large piece of my recent optimism. I had decided to end my relationship with the aforementioned emotionally abusive boyfriend, and that I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and also wants a monogamous relationship.
I thought I could leave my current relationship "unscathed", (just simply having learned about life's realities, human nature, etc).

But now knowing I'm positive...I feel "polluted"...and like I must take the negative consequences of my actions (unsafe sex, stupid boyfriend choice, naivety)...I have to lie in the bed I made, you know??

I fear that I have no choice but to settle for my current boyfriend, and hope he somehow changes, heals from his sex addiction (which he has expressed distress over) and starts to actually respect, value me, and see me as an equal. We already know we have the same strain (is that the terminology?) of HIV, so no worry there.

I fear it would be impossible for me to find an HIV+ life partner. Mostly based on statistics..I would be looking for a straight/bisexual male without a promiscuous history (I don't condemn this trait in general; when it comes to my partner however, my current boyfriend's behavior has scarred me). And then of course we would want to have similar life goals, interests, values, etc. The likelihood of that seems extremely low. (I acknowledge that I have an odd set of interests, values, etc. especially for my age group)

And idk if this is a horrible way to think....but I don't feel I could be with someone HIV- because I don't like the aesthetics of 'safe sex'. it feels so artificial and sterile to me.. it doesn't do much for me emotionally. Also I could not bear the worry of being the one responsible for them becoming HIV+.

I also feel like I horrifically, irreversibly betrayed myself....I grew up in a hyper religious environment and never learned about std's, never considered I would ever need to be cautious. And so I happened to choose, in my very first relationship, someone who rarely has safe sex and is promiscuous, and also rarely screens for std's on a regular basis.

And now with the +results, I also have a concrete, physical reminder that my bf (who I still have utter loyalty and love towards), is being intimate with other people, looking into other people's eyes, feeling strong emotions while with them, and without any apparent conflicting emotions when he is around me. it is torturous i cannot stop thinking about him being with dozens of men and women, mostly pre-planned one night stands through Facebook, craigslist and forums. 

I am starting to feel so worthless again, like I am just a 'trophy' so he can keep a certain appearance with his family and friends...but then his true actions are extremely hypocritical.

I apologize for the length, and I hope I don't scare you guys off I am so relieved to have found you guys, people who can relate.

Also, my concerns of course do not simply revolve around romantic relationships. This is just what is in the forefront of my head right now

[mecch]

How did you test HIV+?  Western Blot confirmation by clinic or hospital or your doctor?

[kumquatgarden]

By my doctor. It was a regular physical, and when they did my blood work, they found it out.
I was referred to a pathologist lab (?) where they also drew my blood and will be doing confirmation testing.

[mecch]

Ok I'm going to respond piecemeal - with the goal to unpack some of your statements and reactions. Hopefully you will find something useful here, anyway that's my good intention.

First of all, I notice in this post that you say you have the same strain as you partner. So, I shouldn't have asked if your test is confirmed!  I am going to assume if the doc already knows this, you really do have HIV.

We ask about Western Blot confirmation because only through that is someone considered HIV+

Hey guys...first, want to say I never considered that there would be an HIV community online so to find this forum has been very comforting. (I can't believe how ignorant I was to HIV prior to a few days ago)

This is kind of long but..I will allow myself to get out whatever needs to come out, in order to respect my natural coping process. i actually am considering it like a grieving process...I don't know if that's common for newly diagnosed people?

Sure, its common and human to grieve. 

So, I'm almost 22. Since the age of 16 I have been severely depressed and suicidal on and off.
I started taking Wellbutrin about 2 months ago and it has allowed my mental health to blossom as I never imagined it could. I finally have a stable place to live, a job I enjoy, and secure and enjoyable prospects for my near-future. I realized that is is mostly my own self limiting beliefs that have been keeping me from pursuing my dreams.

And then 3 days ago, I learned I am HIV+. I'm a straight woman, only ever been with 1 man, and have only been with him for 8 months now. He has cheated on me consistently throughout our relationship, and had been promiscuous for a long time before we met.

So now it's like my newfound optimism and goals for my future are utterly void and dead.
Something I feel that is essential to my happiness, is having a beautiful relationship with a life partner. This faith that I will find my life partner has been a large piece of my recent optimism. I had decided to end my relationship with the aforementioned emotionally abusive boyfriend, and that I deserve to be with someone who cherishes me and also wants a monogamous relationship.

There is a LOT to sort out in there.
First of all, congrats on treating your depression.
I am sorry an HIV diagnosis is throwing a big greasy wrench into something that was going so well.  But, there were probably signs that things were amiss.  It seems to me that you have been aware of your bf's infidelity and lack of respect for you, and your couple, for some time.  And yet you continued. Maybe this is because you were depressed.  Maybe, as you say below, you were naive about safe sex and sexual risks.  But really, you don't write like a naive young person....  I find it hard to believe a literate and normally educated person has no knowledge of STDs....  What I am getting at is, most HIV+ people finally have to accept personal responsibility for taking risks that led to an infection.  Yeah, some get HIV by other means, but many of us get it by making bad decisions in sex and that is human and sometimes the sex was good (but yeah sometimes it was not...)

Your thinking about your partner is quite confused. You had decided to quit his cheating ass, before your diagnosis, but now, post diagnosis, your feel you don't have much choice.  Slim pickings.  NOT TRUE.  You have all your qualities, and your new esprit - not depressed - so don't let this hiccup destroy the resolve and self.esteemed you had come by....   Really my dear, an HIV+ diagnosis can be taken in stride even on the dating scene and the chances for love.  There is still that special someone out there for you.

Its common enough to feel damaged or dirty after an HIV diagnosis but the only thing to do is change your mindset and put those "perceptions" aside.

I thought I could leave my current relationship "unscathed", (just simply having learned about life's realities, human nature, etc).

But now knowing I'm positive...I feel "polluted"...and like I must take the negative consequences of my actions (unsafe sex, stupid boyfriend choice, naivety)...I have to lie in the bed I made, you know??

I fear that I have no choice but to settle for my current boyfriend, and hope he somehow changes, heals from his sex addiction (which he has expressed distress over) and starts to actually respect, value me, and see me as an equal. We already know we have the same strain (is that the terminology?) of HIV, so no worry there.

Yes, you've been scarred.  Burned.  By your own choices in sex. And sure, by a cheating bf. Remember, by this scarring you are simply joining the adult ranks because we all have our battle scars.

How about this.  Keep the affection you have for your current beau, but break up with him, and look around and hold out for someone for a fresh start.  You can stay friends with your current, planned to be ex (go through with it! break up) if you forgive what you feel is any transgression.  Also more important forgive yourself and move on.  As I said, you ALREADY decided to quit, so don't feel like you have to stay because of this HIV diagnosis.

I fear it would be impossible for me to find an HIV+ life partner. Mostly based on statistics..I would be looking for a straight/bisexual male without a promiscuous history (I don't condemn this trait in general; when it comes to my partner however, my current boyfriend's behavior has scarred me). And then of course we would want to have similar life goals, interests, values, etc. The likelihood of that seems extremely low. (I acknowledge that I have an odd set of interests, values, etc. especially for my age group)

There are PLENTY of HIV+ people who are not promiscuous, were not promiscuous, and did not get HIV from promiscuity.  Hello!

And idk if this is a horrible way to think....but I don't feel I could be with someone HIV- because I don't like the aesthetics of 'safe sex'. it feels so artificial and sterile to me.. it doesn't do much for me emotionally. Also I could not bear the worry of being the one responsible for them becoming HIV+.

You have the right and responsibility to pursue your sexual gratification on your own terms.  But, I dunno, my experience over 30 years of relationships is that the most fulfilling and workable relationships didn't necessarily come with someone who was THE ne plus ultra (the summit) of my sexual needs and desires...

You settle in with someone who hits a number of priorities, and generally, its best not to have too many "deal breakers" because "deal breakers" (things you absolutely cannot work with in a partner so don't pursue it) drastically limit the dating pool. 

What if you meet a dude who really floats your boat.  He's HIV-.  You disclose. He's ok. Open. You go out. You become a couple.  You are on HAART. You are undetectable. Voila, he might be down at that point for unprotected sex.  MANY couples are doing that.

So, chill. Open.

I also feel like I horrifically, irreversibly betrayed myself....I grew up in a hyper religious environment and never learned about std's, never considered I would ever need to be cautious. And so I happened to choose, in my very first relationship, someone who rarely has safe sex and is promiscuous, and also rarely screens for std's on a regular basis.

And now with the +results, I also have a concrete, physical reminder that my bf (who I still have utter loyalty and love towards), is being intimate with other people, looking into other people's eyes, feeling strong emotions while with them, and without any apparent conflicting emotions when he is around me. it is torturous i cannot stop thinking about him being with dozens of men and women, mostly pre-planned one night stands through Facebook, craigslist and forums. 

I am starting to feel so worthless again, like I am just a 'trophy' so he can keep a certain appearance with his family and friends...but then his true actions are extremely hypocritical.

(people find hook ups on Facebook? oh geez, I am so gay..... I am out of touch...)

Common to feel polluted.
But you are not polluted.
Sure you made a mistake, putting yourself at risk with a person not to be trusted.
Forgive yourself.
As explained above, IMO, protect your hard fought self esteem and break up with your Bf but keep him as a friend if you love him. You OBVIOUSLY can't deal with his sexual and affective M.O modus operandi:  And its your RIGHT not to deal with it. Live your life. 

I apologize for the length, and I hope I don't scare you guys off I am so relieved to have found you guys, people who can relate.

Also, my concerns of course do not simply revolve around romantic relationships. This is just what is in the forefront of my head right now

OK.

And when will you know more about your immune health?  Have you found a doctor you like?