"Release with Love"

[Life]

My Mom told me that the other day...  In the grand scheme of things,  I am greatful for what we had the past six years.   I thought I would check in and just tell everyone that William has now been in Denver since the end of June.  I have been coming home to an empty house that was full of love and family.   It strange to think I am on my own again, but I am.   Our love for eachother has changed and we keep in touch, but we are apart and it still hurts.   Life in Aspen goes along without Will and our dog Johnny and I maintain some semblance of balance in my life.   It seems that I just planted the flowers and now the frost is starting to show each morning taking one flower at a time.  I have fought many challenges but I fear this one in the short term is not winnable for me...   I will never close the door on William and I am finalziing our assets together.   We moved our things back from wence they came and I am going to help him financially until he has his feet back on the ground.   He has yet to find a job, he will be without heathcare in one month and is due to go on meds soon.  He has a mortgage and new car to deal with in a strange economic world.   Yet his faith drives him that he is doing absolutely the right things...   He is taking care of his Mom and Dad, he is reuiniting with old friends and family in a city he grew up in and around.   I have the support of my friends and way to many girlfriends that want to take me out to dinner and movies etc, but this does not always make up for that man I had in my life. Loss can really suck the air out of ones sails.. 



Never thought this song would mean anything to me...  But now it does......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-OiV_5kEt6A

Well, I am back in the gym, bought new ski's and I am ready to be a ski bum again.  There is a lesson here and I will find its meaning..

Eric

[bocker3]

Eric,

I know things are tough -- but you appear to have a pretty good outlook.  There is always something to be learned from things that happen in our lives -- whether good or bad.  Of course, one never knows what the future may hold, but it's good to look toward it with a sense of wonder.

Reconnecting with friends and "former" activities (I meant the skiing.....    ) can be a great release.

Remember that you can always come here for support -- and I hope you know that PMs are always welcomed.

Hugs,
Mike

[Life]

Mike thank you..  I have been talking to so many people in the past 2 months my head is spinning..   Many of them are right here whom I have grown to love and respect their knowledge, experience and judgement just as I have yours.   I feel my decisions are sound and are not ones that were made out of anger, sadness or despiration or depression.   Keep moving forward...  See what happens...

Love you Mike...

Eric

[Robert]

eric.

Your mother is a wise woman.  It's not easy, but you're doing the right thing.  It's sounds like it was a solid relationship that just hit the rocks.  That happens.  That you're both working hard to make sure the other survives shows just how much the relationship means to both of you.  You'll both carry on and be just fine.  Those blue columbines keep coming back, right?

robert

[Moffie65]

Just remember Eric, we are born alone, and we die alone; anything inbetween is simply gravy.

Tim. 

[bear60]

Well, Eric, I hope everything works out for the best with this. 
Come visit Philadelphia.
Big Hug

Joel

[Basquo]

  He has yet to find a job, he will be without heathcare in one month and is due to go on meds soon.  He has a mortgage and new car to deal with in a strange economic world.  

Wow, Eric, I knew he was looking for a job but I thought you wrote previously that he had perfect insurance. He has a new car and you're helping him out financially? Why doen't he sell that new car and get a beater if he's hurting so much he needs your help? If it's his decision to move to Denver with or without you, why are you calling this a "release with love?" I'm sorry to sound hard here, but it sounds more like "release with love, and strings attached." I guess I'm missing something.

I'll follow that up with some sayings I've learned to recall form time to time (and I've learned the hard way):

1) If you force me to choose, you lose.

2) I love you, I'll always love you, good luck!

[Life]

Will put some money in to the condo up here which I own.  He paid for it intirely on credit.  I could tell him to remove all of this and take it with him, but since he cannot now afford it, I will buy the furnature fixtures, sinks, countertops.    I would have put these things in eventually and they do look nice.   No strings, I am being very generious in buying this stuff....   In the end, I do not want any regrets, I do not want William to hurt and I can help him in as much as prolonging his ability to stay afloat.  I hope he finds a job soon.  On Tuesday, he will find out if he can stay off meds or will be told that its time.   If he goes on study thats a nice and swell, but what is it??  And whats happens if he has problems??  No insurance is going to take him out faster than I care to imagine and I try not to....   None if this was my decision.  The goal was never clear and the communication was zero.  If I knew he was in such despiration to move to Denver, we could have modified our plans..   Most likely if we moved a year earilier, we both would have lost our new jobs and both be in a world of trouble as we would have been the new hires in Denver.   

Hic-up in the road??  Seperation?   End of the Road??  I dont know....   

I do love your two options 1 and 2.....  I I guess I have used both of them in the past seven weeks..



Eric

[PeteNYNJ]

Eric

Big hug from NJ for you    

I know what you are going through and it is really tough.  Sometimes it feels like it would be easier for people to just leave our lives in a dramatic way.  I have found that most of my relationships end in a nice way but I still have love for them which does make it harder to deal with...I didn't express that well but I think you get the gist.


xoxox 

Pete

[Life]

Will called me and was crying about his tests results...  He did not get all the values but he did report that his cd4 count was 86.  December 200..   Dr. Ben is wanting him to see a Hemotologist and get some things checked out on his low platelett levels.   He was praying to go on study but the studies currently running only accept new patients in the 100-200 cd4 count.   Will has a very strange body chemestry.   He can have low cd4 counts but have 30% cd4/cd8 ratio's.   The last time I remember his vl was aroun 15,000.   We had a very wonderful talk tonight on the phone about our time together and how much he misses me.   I dont get to hear Will cry very often, but it was very nice to here the emotion be released.   I hope we are over the negatives of the decisions we have made.   I pray that William gets the chance to live a quality of life.   He has a heart of gold and something I truly miss.   Maybe in time, things will grow into something yet again.   I am just happy we are talking again.   I keep encouraging him about all  the feelings he is having and aprehension about meds, paying for them and what the future will be...   Pete I know, sometimes I wish I could just slam the door shut and move on, but gosh darn it,  I still have feelings for him.   Its not of being alone, its not just of companionship, its much much more....   But yet I cant put my finger on it.   

Keep William in your thoughts as he stuggles to find his place living with hiv...

Eric

[Blixer]

Hey Eric,

I've been thinking about you often lately.  My heart goes out to you in this time of turmoil.  It sounds like you have a good attitude about it.  I can totally understand your feelings about William and wishing him the best in everything.  Sometimes we do have to turn loose but that doesn't mean we have let go.  I'll always remember the support you were for me when I got my diagnosis and just know that I wish you the best and I'm here if you need to talk.

[PeteNYNJ]

I understand your feelings as well, I think we are kindred souls    Big hugs to William as well.  Question, why has he waited so long to go on meds?  Does Dr. Ben think that is a wise decision?  No judgements, just concern.

xoxo

Pete

[Life]

Pete you can lead a horse to water but you cant make him drink.   For the past six years Will has not been very punctual in getting his labs done.   He knew in December he was at 200 but his cd% was 28 to 30.   As I am not privy to everything I don't know the reasoning.  I know his % is still high and his vl is pretty darn low so there are some strange things going on and that's why he has been ordered to see a Hematologist this coming week to get a true handle on what his blood chems are doing.   I think aot of denial, fear is to blame.  Everytime I pushed him the more he resisted, so I tried not to push as hard.   I would think Ben would have slapped meds on him this week if he felt he was in any kind of jeopardy or that the values returned are being questioned by Ben.   I wish I knew.   I am glad William is now 4 blocks away from Dr. Ben's office and that he is getting the care he needs.   To add to the difficult state of affairs his mother and father are sickly and they are now going to have to move down from 11,000 feet to Denver and Will is going to have to orchestrate that on top of not having a job,  selling his parents home of 55 years, not having health care in a few months, going on meds, finding a place for his parents and finally having to take care of them as well....   I don't think God could even handle all this at once.   I have told him, whatever he needs, I am there.   And I pray for him every night.   I finished the financing for him today and that will keep him going for about 4 months..   I am walking around the streets of Aspen without my sole mate.   So many great memories and its really tuff thinking that our paths are growing apart or perhaps converging on the other side of the mountains (as it were).  I say alot of prayers for him.....

David,  You have helped me just as much as I helped you..   It nice to know our friendship continues...

Love

Eric

[bocker3]

Eric,

You are truly one of the most caring people that I have met in these rooms.  I am very happy to see you handling this in such a calm manner -- I think your program is showing itself -- hang on to it.
I know that you don't know where your relationship with Will will go -- but no matter what happens, continue to hang on to the good.  If you two are destined to go your separate ways, it in no way diminshes the times you shared -- they were good and you should hang on to those.
When you find yourself starting to worry, remember the serenity prayer and deal with what you have the power to deal with -- let the rest go.

Remember -- I'm always here when you need an ear or a hug.

Mike

[Life]

Thanks Mike.  I have a entire shelf of codependancy books with dust on them... I am getting out the feather duster    Off to a meeting tonight, then to the gym, the pool and then come back and maybe even try and fucking cook something.   Its so ironic that now I have 2 days off a week.   Will never got to see that.....  We talk everyday and I am so happy the doors have not shut...  Nothing wrong with carring for someone from a distance I guess... He knows I would be there immediatly if something goes completely south on him... I talked with Dr. Ben's office and they said not to worry Eric, we are getting him the care he needs......   That was the best thing I heard today...

3rd step prayer seems to be uttered alot these days as well...

Love ya Mike,

Eric